Call off my wedding?

[weddingBlues]

Have namechanged for this.

I will try not to drip feed but i will apologise in advance incase i leave things out as i have only had about 3 hours sleep thanks to my 7 week old dd.

As the title suggests, i'm really having cold feet about getting married. Dp and i have been together 4 years and we have 2 small children. We got together quite quickly after i split from my ex (we were together 7 years) and he had never had a serious relationship before me.

Usually we are very happy together but in the back of his mind he still believes i'm going to go back to my ex. Have a dd with my ex so still need to contact him with regards to her but dp thinks i shouldn't be nice or friendly to him in any way as apparently this will give ex the wrong impression. I have no problem with ex, we broke up amicably and get along for dd's sake. Dp thinks this must mean i still have feelings for him.

Since our dd was born 7 weeks ago things have got progressively worse. We are arguing all the time and even though it won't be about anything to do with my ex he will make it about that EVERYTIME. The rows are getting so bad he shouts so loud at me, belittles me, like saying the house is a shitpit (which it really isn't btw) and i must be a lazy cow even though i'm looking after a 20 month old and a newborn all day plus dd when home from school all because my 20 month old had a few toys out! I am sick of being accused of allsorts and told i must feel like this or that just because thats what he thinks.

I think i've had enough and my feelings for him have really died since all of this kicked off. He is always telling me he loves me and i can't even bring myself to think it let alone say it back . I don't know if its just hormones as i've just gone onto the mini pill and just had a baby or genuine feelings. I don't even want to have sex with him and that really isn't like me at all, normally we can't keep our hands off eachother but now i won't go near him. Obviously this has been met with him asking me if i'm getting it elsewhere .

I'm so down about it all, everything is booked for the wedding and almost paid for. On the outside we look like the perfect couple to everyone and behind closed doors its really not like that. But is that a good reason to call it off, which means we would probably spilt up and the children not have a happy family? He is not the most understanding of people so if i called it off i know it would not end well

Jealous and demanding....not exactly a dream man. I would postpone it, and go to councilling, and see if he improves. And see if when he improves, you feel better towards him.

I would not want to live my life, or have my children raised by someone who calls me names and insults me.
Just don't rush into marriage, no need, and divorces are expensive.

You had a baby seven weeks ago and because you don't fancy sex he is asking if you are 'getting it elsewhere?' Blimey, I didn't feel like sex for about a year after giving birth. That comment alone, let alone all the other examples of horrid behaviour you describe, would be enough for me to throw the guy out on his ear.

About everything being booked and paid for. If I could un do something in my past, I would not have gone through with my first wedding. I almost didn't, called it off the night before, but he talked me back into it. I remember looking for the exit door during the ceremony, if I had been thinking clearer I would have walked away.
It was a mistake to marry him with all of the doubts I had.
And all my fears came true. We split up 5 months later.

I would suggest to him that you go for couples counselling before the marriage so that he can deal with 'his' issues . I appreciate that having small children can put a strain on any relationship , but he needs to work through why he keeps throwing your ex in your face and how how he can go about letting it go . If im honest i think it would be an ultimatum situation for me , no counselling equals no wedding . Perhaps if he hears from a stranger that your behaviour is positive and rational he might just believe them . Bit concerned about your last statement though , what exactely does that mean?

When is the wedding? can you postpone it?

Things sound awful at home at the moment, but perhaps much of this is due to the new baby, a toddler, little sleep, hormones, etc. And he has suddenly had to adjust to being a father and step-father and husband-to-be.

Not that this is any excuse for how he is talking to you, or the accusations he is making. He sounds quite immature to be honest.

I really think you both need a bit of time to get used to the new family. You've had a heck of a lot happen recently, a bit of time might be all you both need.

By the way - I couldn't even contemplate sex 7 weeks after giving birth, regardless of how active we had been before. I wouldn't take your lack of sexual motivation for him at the moment to be a sign of the death of your relationship.

Does not seem the right man for you !! where the support and understanding, you should wait and see how things go a ring will not change anything look after yourself and your babies and talk to him how you feel and if he has a paddy then there you go you have your answer

What a horrible time you are having weddingblues. You really do have alot on your plate. I can understand your DP being a little bit insecure about your ex at first but to carry it on to this extent is really, really silly especially as you rightly point out you need to be on good terms with your ex due to your DD.

Some of his verbal attacks on you sound abusive which I think is worrying, especially when you consider that you have only just given birth to his child and are no doubt exhausted and a little fragile, not that they would be acceptable anyway but you know what i mean.

It beggars belief that only 7 weeks post partum he is asking you why you wont have sex and assuming that you are getting it elsewhere?!! He sounds like quite an aggressive, inconsiderate person.

What would be the financial implications if you did cancel the wedding? Would you lose ALL the money? I really don't know what to advise, but my gut feelings are that you ought to postpone the wedding if that is at all possible to give yourself some breathing space.

I would call it off. Doesn't mean you can't get married later if he pulls his socks up, but if you get married and he doesn't you are trapped and have lost all negotiation power.

Stop thinking about splitting up meaning your children won't have a happy family life. If he doesn't stay change and you stay together, they definitely won't hav e a happy family life. You can provide a much more stable, happy and secure environment for a child by being a well-adapted single mother than you ever can being in a miserable and abusive relationship.

Personally, I think it's unlikely he will change. Parents often struggle after the birth of a child, particularly with sleep deprivation, and any cracks in your relationship will be exposed at this time. However, even couples in this situation don't resort to name-calling and paranoia unless those traits are already present. They won't go away when the baby starts sleeping and more a normal routine resumes. However, it's your relationship and your decision and if you want to give him the benefit of the doubt and let him try to work through it (because his jealousy issues are his own, not yours) then that's up to you. However, do it from a position of strength, not one of vulnerability.

Good luck.

Wedding is july this year so i probably could postpone it.

We have had sex since dd was born 7 weeks ago but have just started bleeding again so him being told no was what made him ask if i was getting it elsewhere, that and becsause i don't seem interested in him. He's right there, i do not feel interested in him atm.

I guess i just don't believe that our relationship will be forever and i would not want to get married with feelings like that, kind of makes a mockery of it all in my eyes.

I'm not sure what i meant by my last statement. I thinks things were fine til he said the other day that if he found out anything had gone on between me and ex in the time i've been with him (which it hasn't of course, all in his head) then he would kill us both. I asked if he meant it and he said yes. When i told him that frightened me he backtracked and said he was just joking and i should have known that? But last time we argued he took out a knife ans was going to go to ex's house (he lives down the road) now i don't think for one second he would have done that but the thought was enough to make me go off him just that little bit more.

YANBU Don't marry this man unless he makes some drastic changes.

How DARE he accuse you of cheating on him because you dont want to have sex right now- helloooooooo! does he not realise you just had a baby? And that you have to look after 2 babies under 2 everyday, plus your older DD, PLUS your "D"P, surely the biggest baby of them all?

IMO the sex (or lack of it) is a red herring- not many people want to fuck their brains out 7 weeks post birth. He is an insecure bully who picks on you to make himself feel better.

Oh my god. That changes everything. I would leave him right away. Sorry OP but that is seriously a very scarey threat and he does not sound like a rational man. Please look after yourself and your DCs.

Holy shit, please call this wedding off. He's threatening you with knives? Abusing you because the house isn't clean when you have a newborn and toddler? Demanding that you change your behaviour around your ex?

This bloke is bad, bad fucking news, love. If he's willing to threaten you with a knife (and yes i know it was aimed at your ex, but in the context of 'kill you both' that's a threat to you) he WILL get violent with you, and very soon.

please, please talk to a real life friend or your mum or something about this. Today.

"i must be a lazy cow even though i'm looking after a 20 month old and a newborn all day plus dd when home from school all because my 20 month old had a few toys out!"
"Obviously this has been met with him asking me if i'm getting it elsewhere." Sorry but he doesn't sound very nice. :( I don't blame you for wanting to call the wedding off, or wanting out of the relationship to be honest.

"I thinks things were fine til he said the other day that if he found out anything had gone on between me and ex in the time i've been with him (which it hasn't of course, all in his head) then he would kill us both. I asked if he meant it and he said yes. When i told him that frightened me he backtracked and said he was just joking and i should have known that? But last time we argued he took out a knife ans was going to go to ex's house (he lives down the road) now i don't think for one second he would have done that but the thought was enough to make me go off him just that little bit more."

Sod it. Get rid of him now. Just out of interest- has your partner ever done drugs? Because heavy cannabis use can cause intense paranoia. (Had experience with this myself. Never smoked the stuff myself but it nearly destroyed my relationship with my DP as it royally fucked him up. He had to make some drastic changes and knows he fucks up again, he's out).

Good luck OP. Life is too short for people who treat you this way.

This is a no- brainer after last post you did married !! he does not deserve to be in the same room be strong and leave him for the sake of your kids and yourself and before it goes any Further . GOOD LUCK!!

Get rid of this man. He is abusive and will get worse. Abusive men generally show their true colours during pregnancy or shortly after. Anyone who thinks it's OK, or reasonable, or even 'Romantic' to make threats of violence over imagined infidelities should be dumped immediately. People like that are dangerous because they are thick and selfish.

He is abusive. He has made horrible comments to you, he has shouted at you and belittled you over stupid things. He is INSANELY jealous of your ex and he has threatened to kill you both brandishing a knife. My god, what are you waiting for? This is abuse that is escalating. PLEASE do something, talk to someone and get help. I am really worried for you.

OMFG! The red flags were waving in your original post but the mention of a knife and his threats to kill change everything. This man is dangerous and you need to leave (or get him to) NOW. Please call women's aid on 0808 2000 247 and get some advice ASAP. I really feel for you with a 7-week-old baby in tow, but you need to do something about this right now. Best wishes.

:( back away as fast as you can, it will only escalate. He sounds like a bit of a ticking time bomb to me. He comes across and jealous and possessive and that never ends well IMO

And yeah 7 weeks after having my 2nd Id have been sleeping around to not be giving out to my husband WTF??????? By the time by 2nd was 7 weeks I was barely doing the basics of house keeping and cooking.... sex was no where on mine or my ex's agenda!

Yes you should call it all off, and you know why. He's a twat and you don't love him - unsurprisingly.

Good on you for having the courage and clarity of mind to see it.

Be warned, if you stay you will stop seeing it at some point. He will grind you down until its easier to agree/have sex you don't want/pacify him/ruin the good relationship you have with your DD's dad.

Most of all, you have a massive red flag waving in your face - you and therefore your kids are at risk of domestic violence from this man. He's pulled a knife on you. There should be no discussion after that, not with two babies depending on you.

You got together too quickly- you now know this isn't the guy for you. Get rid. He's chock-full of issues that aren't your problem and that you can't fix. Don't wreck your kids' lives to pander to his.

You sound fab btw, having a good co-parenting relationship with your DD's dad. You will manage fine and will go on to meet the equally fab guy you're destined to make your happy family with. This isn't him!!! Run and quickly. Your instincts are 100% correct.

Jesus Christ. He has threatened to kill you and got a knife out? Definitely leave him!

I doubt getting married is going to make him less paranoid and more reasonable. To put his behavior in perspective, my DD is 17 weeks and my DH can't do enough for us, had put no pressure on for sex (which made it much easier to have) and would never swear at me under any circumstances particularly not if I was run ragged looking after two children.

I'd postpone and get counselling. You need some serious thinking time and July is going to be baring down on you soon.

Sod the money (easily said I know) your happiness and your DCs happiness are more important.

In your position I would be concerned that once you're married he would put pressure on to cut all comms with your ex as he would consider himself your daughter's dad now. He needs to let go and see your DD has a right to see her dad and he needs to stop slagging you and your ex off in front of your children. Your DD might feel when she's older that she has to hide her relationship with your ex from him as if its something bad and could fear he'll guilt her about it.

I think the problem is that you've already had the 'honeymoon period' ie. the last 4 years. The initial best behaviour phase and can't keep your hands off each other phase wear off pretty quickly and children just speed the process up. Then you get to the real meat of a relationship where the honeymoon goggles are off and everyone sees each other in their true colours. This is a testing time and if your relationship is built on something solid, it survives and evolves. If not, it flounders He sounds like a very posessive and insecure man and that you've been overlooking this so far. Marriage is not going to change him or improve matters. A postponement would give you time to think it through.... someone who loves you would understand that.