Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Other subjects

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Call off my wedding?

160 replies

weddingBlues · 05/03/2012 09:39

Have namechanged for this.

I will try not to drip feed but i will apologise in advance incase i leave things out as i have only had about 3 hours sleep thanks to my 7 week old dd.

As the title suggests, i'm really having cold feet about getting married. Dp and i have been together 4 years and we have 2 small children. We got together quite quickly after i split from my ex (we were together 7 years) and he had never had a serious relationship before me.

Usually we are very happy together but in the back of his mind he still believes i'm going to go back to my ex. Have a dd with my ex so still need to contact him with regards to her but dp thinks i shouldn't be nice or friendly to him in any way as apparently this will give ex the wrong impression. I have no problem with ex, we broke up amicably and get along for dd's sake. Dp thinks this must mean i still have feelings for him.

Since our dd was born 7 weeks ago things have got progressively worse. We are arguing all the time and even though it won't be about anything to do with my ex he will make it about that EVERYTIME. The rows are getting so bad he shouts so loud at me, belittles me, like saying the house is a shitpit (which it really isn't btw) and i must be a lazy cow even though i'm looking after a 20 month old and a newborn all day plus dd when home from school all because my 20 month old had a few toys out! I am sick of being accused of allsorts and told i must feel like this or that just because thats what he thinks.

I think i've had enough and my feelings for him have really died since all of this kicked off. He is always telling me he loves me and i can't even bring myself to think it let alone say it back Sad. I don't know if its just hormones as i've just gone onto the mini pill and just had a baby or genuine feelings. I don't even want to have sex with him and that really isn't like me at all, normally we can't keep our hands off eachother but now i won't go near him. Obviously this has been met with him asking me if i'm getting it elsewhere Hmm.

I'm so down about it all, everything is booked for the wedding and almost paid for. On the outside we look like the perfect couple to everyone and behind closed doors its really not like that. But is that a good reason to call it off, which means we would probably spilt up and the children not have a happy family? He is not the most understanding of people so if i called it off i know it would not end well Sad

OP posts:
ChaoticAngel · 05/03/2012 10:48

Paiviaso are you serious!! Shock

The man is an abuser, staying with him should be the last thing she does. Hell, it probably will be the last thing she does if she stays Sad

OP please call Women's Aid asap. It's not easy but you are strong enough to do this...for yourself and your children.

KatAndKit · 05/03/2012 10:48

I don't think it is at all a coincidence that his abusive behaviour has ramped up recently now that you are feeling more financially dependent on him. You mention drink driving so that makes me suspect a drinking problem as well as aggressive and controlling behaviour. He has restricted your access to money and transport and he wants you to give up your job so you are at home and entirely dependent on him. Then you will feel that you have to put up with his abusive behaviour so he will get worse.

Or you could get out now. Before it happens. You still have a job to go back to. Womens aid will be able to help with legal advice about money and your tenancy.

It's better to be a single mum on benefits that a sad statistic of what happens to women who stay with men who make threats about killing them.

TheBigJessie · 05/03/2012 10:50

Don't accept this shitty life, either. Please!

Being poor is shit. Being terrified in your own home is shitter. Being frightened that a raging man is going to hurt your child, when he's attacking you, has to be even shitter.

SydSaid · 05/03/2012 10:51

My post was typed at the same time as your last post.

Everything you say adds up more and more to trying to isolate you. Wanting you to stay home instead of going back to your great job. Wanting you to have no bank accounts in your own name. Wanting the car to be in his name.

This man is dangerous.

AnnieLobeseder · 05/03/2012 10:51

he pinned me to the ground by my throat
It was my fault for winding him up

Your fault? Did you ask him to physically assault you? For god's sake women, it was not your fault. Normal loving men do not strangle their partners.

I know you're scared that life would be hard without him - better the devil you know and all that. But you need to find the strength to leave this man. If not for you (and your life will be infinitely better if you do), then for you children. You are putting them at risk for physical and emotional abuse, and at risk of learning that men treating women like shit is normal and okay.

Please call Women's Aid.

BettyPerske · 05/03/2012 10:51

Jesus delete your history, don't FGS let him see this thread, it could put you in real danger.

WA has some tools on their website that help you delete your history etc.

The worst thing you can do at this juncture is to tell him you're detaching. (I mean in your head, so far). Do what sunshine says and act normal for now till you have a game plan.

ninani · 05/03/2012 10:52

Contact the SS and at the same time inform his family, maybe have a letter ready explaining exactly what happened. Why his family? Because you said you are so worried that they will reject you and that nobody will love you and you seem to be particulalry concerned about it. I think for now your children's love and well being are enough. I know he will keep on blaming you to his family from that you are saying but why should he have the first word and why should you keep being apologetic to him and them if it gets complicated? You don't have to excuse yourself about petty and unimportant issues that arise only to disoriantate and crush you keeping your defences and attack mechanisms away from the real problem which is HIM and NOT YOU. Focus on the reality, what you need, your fears of what might happen and alert the SS please. He is in the wrong and if he sees elephants in the room that don't exist why do you have to justify one not being there when it isn't????? Don't fall into the trap. It is a typical trap abusers use. It's HE and only HE who has to answer and pay the price for abusing you. Let the law deal with it.

Like other posters have pointed out he is grinding you, trapping you into a box of his own invented "reality" and after a while (it might not be too long if his emotional abuse intensifies) you will not be able to see outisde this box. You will believe whatever he wants you to believe and keep on selling off more of traits, your character, your independence, your self respect, liberties, happiness, children's happiness and security, real world.

BettyPerske · 05/03/2012 10:53

Some men choose a vulnerable partner who will want the security he can offer, so that he can own them and tell them what to do and abuse them.

He has some serious issues going back probably to his relationship with his own parents. It's none of it even ABOUT you, it's all in his head.

He's just using you to assert some kind of control. I agree he is dangerous.

AnyFucker · 05/03/2012 10:54

Please call Women's Aid and have a chat with them.

TheBigJessie · 05/03/2012 10:54

Delete your internet history. He won't stop feeling entitled to treat you like this, just because he reads a checkpoint list.

He will realize you might leave, and he sounds stupendously dangerous.

Original poster
weddingBlues · 05/03/2012 10:54

The police have been involved once before and the policeman said to me then that it never gets any better.

After he was violent to me last time infront of our newborn i told him he had to leave and i meant it, i couldn't stand the sight of him. Obviously he wouldn't go he just sat on the sofa so i said if you won't go then i'll have you removed, went to grab the phone for police and he ripped it out of the wall. He had already smashed my phone into pieces.

His biggest fear is that people will find out about his bad behaviour so i know he will make out i'm a liar or that he is justified in behaving like this.

I KNOW he is a bully, found that out when he told me i deserve all of this and bring it upon myself.

OP posts:
BettyPerske · 05/03/2012 10:54

I wouldn't bother risking telling anyone who might take his side, fwiw. Definitely not his family. It doesn't matter what they think, not one bit.

Only tell WA or your GP or someone who you KNOW will not tell him or take his side.

OP have you got anyone like that in real life?

Agincourt · 05/03/2012 10:55

The thing that strikes me too is that you have told your ex what is happening, so surely he is aware of the kind of home situation his daughter is living in. Is he happy about this?

BettyPerske · 05/03/2012 10:57

He doesn't matter. What he thinks of you or tells other people doesn't matter a jot. It really doesn't.

You've left it longer than you should have darling so call WA right now. Ask them how to do it, what to do first etc etc.

Or call the police on the non emergency number (101 I think it is? that might just be here, whatever it is it'll be in the phone book) and say you need to speak to someone urgently about leaving an abusive partner.

I wouldn't delay another minute.

BettyPerske · 05/03/2012 10:58

x posts Agincourt, hope that makes sense. I agree, what does dd's father think. Surely he will be on your side/helpful.

Original poster
weddingBlues · 05/03/2012 10:58

He doesn't have a drinking problem, hardly ever drinks and we never have alcohol in the house BUT if we arguye the first thing he will do is go and buy 4 cans of beer or go to the pub? He is not a cannabis user either so paranoia not from that.

I keep reading all the posts and thinking wow that defo sounds like him!

OP posts:
butilikesalt · 05/03/2012 11:00

It's good to hear you thinking about the practicalities of leaving him (the bank account, the car, etc). I know money is essential, but everything can be replaced, except your lives.

You don't own a home together. You have one separate bank account. You still have a job. You have an ex-P with whom you can work out childcare arrangements. It's easy to dwell on all the things you'll miss, and lose, but you have strong tools there to rebuild a much, much better and safer life for you and your DC.

Do not worry about what he's going to tell people about you, particularly his family. Don't worry about gossip.

You just need to get out. And fast.

Agincourt · 05/03/2012 11:00

I suppose he could be a dry alcoholic? but it doesn't really matter, what matters is you and your childrens safety. It does sound as if your ex will be supportive too. Can you please ring WA? I am worried about you

PineCones · 05/03/2012 11:00

Sending hugs your away. Really worried about you.

TheSecondComing · 05/03/2012 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SarahBumBarer · 05/03/2012 11:01

You're getting off very lightly on here OP. I've seen threads by women who have put up with less from their DP's than you and had a right rollicking for what they are exposing their children to. Never mind worrying about whether his family will continue to "like" you or not - what are your DD's going to think when they are old enough to see what goes on and what you think a woman should put up with for a little financial stability?

Cherriesarelovely · 05/03/2012 11:01

If you have already had contact with the police the they will hardly be surprised if you call and talk to them about leaving your abusive partner. They will take your concerns very seriously and help you, they will definitely believe you as will your GP and WA.

Ephiny · 05/03/2012 11:02

For someone who didn't want to drip feed...you're certainly mentioning a lot of relevant things in later posts. Threatening to kill you, threatening you with a knife, pinning you to the floor by your throat, previous police involvement, attacking to you in front of your baby and smashing your phone so you can't call for help That's looking a very different story from what you described in your OP!

Do you seriously need to ask if you're unreasonable to call off the wedding? It's sounding now as though you have bigger things to worry about, like your own physical safety!

travellingwilbury · 05/03/2012 11:03

Where is he today ?

You know this needs to end , don't put it off any longer , you and your children deserve to be safe and happy .

butilikesalt · 05/03/2012 11:04

Yeah, YANBU to call off the wedding!