Call off my wedding?

[weddingBlues]

Have namechanged for this.

I will try not to drip feed but i will apologise in advance incase i leave things out as i have only had about 3 hours sleep thanks to my 7 week old dd.

As the title suggests, i'm really having cold feet about getting married. Dp and i have been together 4 years and we have 2 small children. We got together quite quickly after i split from my ex (we were together 7 years) and he had never had a serious relationship before me.

Usually we are very happy together but in the back of his mind he still believes i'm going to go back to my ex. Have a dd with my ex so still need to contact him with regards to her but dp thinks i shouldn't be nice or friendly to him in any way as apparently this will give ex the wrong impression. I have no problem with ex, we broke up amicably and get along for dd's sake. Dp thinks this must mean i still have feelings for him.

Since our dd was born 7 weeks ago things have got progressively worse. We are arguing all the time and even though it won't be about anything to do with my ex he will make it about that EVERYTIME. The rows are getting so bad he shouts so loud at me, belittles me, like saying the house is a shitpit (which it really isn't btw) and i must be a lazy cow even though i'm looking after a 20 month old and a newborn all day plus dd when home from school all because my 20 month old had a few toys out! I am sick of being accused of allsorts and told i must feel like this or that just because thats what he thinks.

I think i've had enough and my feelings for him have really died since all of this kicked off. He is always telling me he loves me and i can't even bring myself to think it let alone say it back . I don't know if its just hormones as i've just gone onto the mini pill and just had a baby or genuine feelings. I don't even want to have sex with him and that really isn't like me at all, normally we can't keep our hands off eachother but now i won't go near him. Obviously this has been met with him asking me if i'm getting it elsewhere .

I'm so down about it all, everything is booked for the wedding and almost paid for. On the outside we look like the perfect couple to everyone and behind closed doors its really not like that. But is that a good reason to call it off, which means we would probably spilt up and the children not have a happy family? He is not the most understanding of people so if i called it off i know it would not end well

ive recently called off my wedding, and felt like i didnt love my partner anymore, but i went on antidepressants, and the love came back. Still not getting married, and dp has moved out, but we are working things out.

I do think you shouldnt get married (yet), and you should try coming off the mini pill becase hormones make a lot of women depressed, then at least youll be able to see how you actually feel about him properly and then make a proper decision

He has threatened you with knives and made threats about killing your daughter's father. Normal people do not do this. This is a massive red flag for violent behaviour even if right now you think he is harmless. Normal people would not even think of making that sort of comment to their family.

Regardless of the sex and the nasty comments, that alone ought to be enough for you to leave him and abandon any idea of marrying him.

I know if i call it off he will make me out to be the worst in the world, especially to his family who have become my own as i don't really have anything to do with my family (long story!) i know he will tell people he was right all along and that i have been cheating on him and i know they will believe him

I know i said i wouldn't drip feed but i guess i didn't really want to give all of the details. I have only really felt like this for a few weeks since we argued and he pinned me to the ground by my throat, all whilst my dd (who was i think 4 weeks at the time) was lying on the bed next to us, i could have quite easily landed on her. It was my fault for winding him up, he kept talking about ex and telling me to go see him so i said fine, put my coat on walked out the door and said i was going there. Now obviously i didn't, i wouldn't dare but i guess me saying it was enough to push him over the edge. He says that was the one thing i should never ever say and thats why he flipped and he would never do it again but i know men always say that and that they never do actually change?

Since then we are arguing about ex all the time. Which i suppose i can understand as i played on his insecurities. I've told dp i can't take anymore of him going on about it but he just will not stop

You don't love him, he's ridiculously insecure, why in the world would you marry him.

Call it off!

Hadn't read your later message when I posted - knife? Verbal abuse? Completely paranoid? Leave now. Or better still kick him out.

This won't be cured with a wedding.

Oh for fucks sake. He is a danger to you and a danger to your newborn baby. Just get out. It isn't your fault for winding him up. Take responsibility for yourself and your children and go somewhere safe. Calling the police or womens aid might be a good start.

oh god.

Call women's aid.

Do you have any friends or family you can rely on?

This man isn't stable at all and I would be making plans to leave today. I really feel for you. You simply CANNOT stay with a man who believes you are having sex elsewhere, believes you will get back with your ex, creates rows around this, threatens to kill you and produces a knife. It's THAT simple. All the very best x

You need to get out of this and it sounds like you know it already .

The fact you have paid for he wedding doesn't matter , the money is wasted whether you marry this man or not , you either pay for a wedding that doesn't go ahead or pay for a wedding for a marriage that will make you miserable .

Get him out of your life, he sounds insane.

OP, PLEASE!!!!!! This is not your fault. This man is abusing you verbally, physically and is making threats to kill both you and your ex partner. What is all this about "of course I didn't, I wouldn't dare"? You are terrified of you DP, and rightly so. It is hardly just a question of being a bit tired and low after having a baby. What are you waiting for? How bad does it have to get before you realise that this man is dangerous? Sorry, I am not trying to be harsh, it's just that I am so worried for you.

So he's already assaulted you? GET. OUT. NOW.

Yes, he probably will blame you but hey, it's already YOUR fault (in his eyes) that he is jealous, that he has assaulted you, threatened you and hates your ex. In your situation I'd rather have the inlaws think I'm a cheat than my kids Scared that daddy/stepdad will kill mummy one day. Because if they're scared of him yet they soon will be.

Please leave him.

"It was my fault for winding him up"

It's never the victim's fault... always the agressor. He's gone from being unreasonable to knife-wielding to pinning you to the ground by your throat. Police, women's refuge, staying with a friend, changing the locks... whatever it takes but you're clearly at risk and need to remove yourself and your children from him.

He's also removed all your self-confidence, incidentally. You believe that people will think the worst and assume you are cheating. Why? Because he's told you they will. This is classic abusive behaviour. Make the victim think they are worthless and that everyone is against them. I would contact your ex... he sounds like a decent man and you say you're still on good terms. Tell him what's going on.

Please, please leave this man. He has threatened you, he has brandished a knife, he has pinned you to the ground by your throat.

Do you want your children to see this? To be hurt themselves when they dare to challenge his 'authority' or simply don't act in the way his twisted mind thinks they should?

Please leave. Call women's aid and make a plan to get out.

We don't believe him, and I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who wouldn't believe him either (but probably won't tell you their "off" feelings about him until after you have got rid of him).

Do contact women's aid, but don't let him know you are seeking outside advice until you are ready to go. Sorry but he sounds dangerous not just a twat to me.

Call Womens Aid and tell them what you have told us. Please do it now.

Was going to say Iwould probably postpone the wedding and re evaluate at a later time, I have an 11 week old and what I would usually consider to be a very stable happy relationship but my emotions are all over the place, little problems seem huge. However, god he attacked you for me that's a deal breaker, that's how it starts and sooner or later it will escalate. You need to get out for your dcs sake and yours. Think about what you would advise your dd to do if the circumstances were the same.

I was lying awake last night thinking the exact same thing Rhinos

Most of the time i think i would be so much better off on my own but then other times i think it would make me really depressed. I guess i'm a bit confused at the moment and i know people will think i'm stupid for even being with him now but others who have been in my situation will understand how hard it is to break things like this off. Especially as i know if i were to leave then he would NEVER leave me alone and i mean NEVER.

I'm the kind of person who will just go along with things to keep the peace, not a nice personality trait i know but one i can't help. I have this dire need for people to like me so i would really hate it if he turned everybody against me

Wow i sound so sad, evenm reading this back i can see that. But i know deep down i don't have the same feelings now for him that i used to. Whether things can change and get better i have no idea.

Thankyou all for replying, you all make perfect sense and seeing it written down has been a great help.

He doesn't sound very mature :( you have just had a baby, your third child and he is acting like teenager!

It sounds like his problems with insecurity and jealously are not new, just getting more intense. You were aware he had these problems, but have chosen to create a child with him anyway. Now because of the child, he will always be in your life. Why don't you postpone any further wedding plans, and get some serious couples counciling? If he is going to be in your life, it would be so much better that it be as your husband and live-in dad to your DD.

Oh dear I have just read the violence bit :( I agree to ring Women's Aid. They can keep you safe. Could you ring them today?

There are insecurities and then there are downright unreasonable jealousness. He has issues, his problem with your ex is irrational you will never be able to fix it and it'll only get worse and then what? When he hits you it will be all your fault because you rang your ex when he wasn't in to discuss your dd? It's abusive and controlling.

Really Paiv??? Even after what he did?