Call off my wedding?

[weddingBlues]

Have namechanged for this.

I will try not to drip feed but i will apologise in advance incase i leave things out as i have only had about 3 hours sleep thanks to my 7 week old dd.

As the title suggests, i'm really having cold feet about getting married. Dp and i have been together 4 years and we have 2 small children. We got together quite quickly after i split from my ex (we were together 7 years) and he had never had a serious relationship before me.

Usually we are very happy together but in the back of his mind he still believes i'm going to go back to my ex. Have a dd with my ex so still need to contact him with regards to her but dp thinks i shouldn't be nice or friendly to him in any way as apparently this will give ex the wrong impression. I have no problem with ex, we broke up amicably and get along for dd's sake. Dp thinks this must mean i still have feelings for him.

Since our dd was born 7 weeks ago things have got progressively worse. We are arguing all the time and even though it won't be about anything to do with my ex he will make it about that EVERYTIME. The rows are getting so bad he shouts so loud at me, belittles me, like saying the house is a shitpit (which it really isn't btw) and i must be a lazy cow even though i'm looking after a 20 month old and a newborn all day plus dd when home from school all because my 20 month old had a few toys out! I am sick of being accused of allsorts and told i must feel like this or that just because thats what he thinks.

I think i've had enough and my feelings for him have really died since all of this kicked off. He is always telling me he loves me and i can't even bring myself to think it let alone say it back . I don't know if its just hormones as i've just gone onto the mini pill and just had a baby or genuine feelings. I don't even want to have sex with him and that really isn't like me at all, normally we can't keep our hands off eachother but now i won't go near him. Obviously this has been met with him asking me if i'm getting it elsewhere .

I'm so down about it all, everything is booked for the wedding and almost paid for. On the outside we look like the perfect couple to everyone and behind closed doors its really not like that. But is that a good reason to call it off, which means we would probably spilt up and the children not have a happy family? He is not the most understanding of people so if i called it off i know it would not end well

Cancel the wedding and get out of this relationship.

Ex is very supportive, has said he will stay out of it for the moment for me and the kids sake (good idea right now) because i seem ok and he knows i can handle myself. But he said if i need him i know where he is. I know its dangerous to be talking to him as he ius the LAST person dp would want me talking to.

I have a few friends i can discuss this with but i'm the type of person who doesn't open up very much or talk about feelings etc, always been like that.

weddingblues Can I just stress one thing? Your priority right now is to keep yourself and your DC safe.

The man you are with is dangerous, and while you do need to leave the relationship, you must be sure that you can do it safely. Make sure that you delete all internet history, change your MN password to something he won't guess. Ask MNHQ if they can move this thread to somewhere less easy to trace maybe? Take some advice from WA and try to keep things as normal as possible so that this man doesn't suspect anything. Can you get yourself a cheap payg mobile and hide it somewhere? And start putting some money in your own account, even just a few pounds here and there if you can do so without him noticing.

What has your ex said?

A car doesn't matter. Joint bank account - can you transfer an amount to your account in your name?

Think logically about the money thing. You are just renting your home - nothing really to lose there. Smaller things like a nice rug or telly are just that - small things. And financial security - hmm, lost his licence through drink driving? Wow, apart from being an abusive dangerous twat, he also sounds like the kind of twat that eventually YOU will be carrying financially. You WON'T find ANY safety and security here - financial or otherwise.

You have reported him to the police once - you can do it again. You should be able to get HIM out of the house as he is a risk to your children. Speak to Womens Aid NOW and get advice, and ideally call your local police station a d ask to speak to the DV team. With two babies on the house and a report of him threatening with knives, threatening to kill, and physically assaulting you I the presence if the children you should be able to get rid of him.

This is really serious, it's way past worrying about finances. Better alive in a hostel right now than knifed in front of your children. PLEASE start speaking to people.

I think you need to start talking to people in real life about this , it needs to become a bit more real for you . This is not a relationship anyone should be in . You need to start sorting out where you go from here .

Womens aid will help you .

The main thing is for you and your DC not to be murdered by this man.

Money, his family (ffs), any of that, doesn't matter.

Phone the police, phone Women's Aid. Do it NOW.

Omfg get you and your babies out now. If you have joint accounts then transfer funds into your account - even if it is just enough to get you through the next couple of weeks.

Get your documents together - passports, birth certificates, drivers licence, bank statements etc. Keep them in a safe place.

Get on the phone to women's aid and report everything to the police. I think it would also be worth either seeing or calling mil ASAP if you're up to it - a letter will take at least a couple of days to arrive and I think you should get in there first.

Also tell ex what is going on - if you leave then chances are that he'll get a visit - he needs to know so that at least he won't be caught off guard.

You are going through hell but you are so brave and strong to even be considering calling the wedding off. You can do this. You can be happy and have a wonderful life with your babies and away from this monster. You can achieve it. You just need the courage to take that step and you can be free.

Another thing - start thinking of this man as your enemy, not your partner. It does not matter a bit that he wouldn't want you speaking to your ex - this man is a nutjob, don't consider what HE thinks is right or acceptable for a moment. Let your ex help you and keep him fully informed - just think how you'd feel if your DD was in a house with this kind of man and you were sitting helpless elsewhere. Your P is trying to isolate you. Whatever HE wants- the sensible thing would basically be to do the opposite.

You are lucky to have your ex around it seems. What about other friends? You say you have no family links - is there anyone else who could help out with a loan or somewhere to stay if necessary?

Not wanting to 'go back to that shitty life' and not wanting him to tell lies about you if you split are not reasons to stay.

Your safety and the safety of your DC is far more important.

You only get one life. Why would you waste it staying with someone who is this messed up? Your children will be damaged forever from seeing this really bad example of what a relationship is supposed to be like. Not to mention the fact they will most likely be scared by his angry outbursts.

It's not worth it. There shouldn't even be a wedding planned. This is just all so wrong. You can be so much happier

All fantastic advice on here. But please don't do anything so hastily that you make a mistake. Give yourself a few hours to think it through clearly. Bide your time for a day or two if needed.
And j don't think you should talk to MiL. She will probably tip this man off.

Sorry, I meant not talk to MiL before taking steps.

Please leave before this gets worse. Marriage will be the final step before he feels he has complete dominance over you and your life.

It must be so hard for you right now with such a small baby but it sounds like staying would be no better.

DC
Passport
Money
Birth certificates
Phone
Phone charger

Please make sure you delete your phone history after you call.
Also if he has access tk your phone bill and for whatever reason you haven't left him yet, it could create an explosive situation. So please call from a PAYG if you can get one.

Absolutely Pinecones - sorry, I meant talking to mil if you decide to start the process of talkung to women's aid/ police - only do it if the wheels are securely in motion.

You are realising the inevitable - you are going to have to get out. This is the first step. Well done. Going through with it will seem overwhelming, at first, but taken one step at a time, you can do it. When I can't face the enormity of something, I find it helps to just sit down and imagine myself taking the first steps. In this case, that would be ringing Women's Aid, and getting all your documents together into a safe place where you can find them quickly. Think it through in your head. Imagine picking up the phone. What you will say. Where are the children's birth certificates right now? Have you got a folder or something you can put them store them in? Teeny little things like that, just to get the ball rolling. Once you've imagined yourself doing these things, it starts to get easier to actually do them. You sound like you are a strong woman at heart, you can do this.

A friend of mine was murdered by her jealous partner. It happens. Don't risk making your children motherless like hers are now.

And as others have said, bide your time and prepare yourself before taking any big steps. Really think through your options and sort yourself out before going. Take a couple of days and don't do it too hastily and trip yourself up.

Don't tell anyone linked to him!

Definitely don't talk to MIL. She won't believe you, not yet anyway. If your 'P' is close to your MIL she'll have heard his side of the story constantly and will go straight to him with any letter etc.

From what you have posted, I think that it would be very dangerous if your 'P' foun out you were planning to leave. You mustn't act too hastily or do anything to make him suspicious.

Once you're safely out of the relationship, you can then try to set the record straight about what actually went on.

You and your DCs are in grave danger. You need to gather up your essentials and get out of there today. If women's aid don't have a spare place then you can apply as homeless to your local authority.

Honestly cancelling a wedding is the least of your problems right now.

Thanks eveyone. Going to sit down and have a think about it all, the logistics, practical side of things etc.

Even though i do have one bank account in just my name he has access to it as it is linked to our other account and he can access it via internet banking. I took £10 from there last week and he questioned that as usually we use it to save for things like car mot, holidays etc.

No i do not want my children to witness all of this and they are my reason for feeling this way, its the shouting and name calling that winds me up the most as i know they can hear it and it is really starting to affect my oldest dd who is 7 and not stupid.

It will be hard to break it off though, i know he won't leave me alone he has already told me that and tbh he is quite obsessive and possesive when it comes to me.

I'm just fed up with being made out to be in the wrong ALL the time, its grinding me down so much. Surely i can't be THAT bad?

I don't think he will check my internet history as he knows i use mn but normally just for the funny threads! I will delete it just to be on the safe side though, although obv that means if he checks he will automatically think i'm hiding something! seems i can never win.

OP you can selectively delete your history.

Glad the other thread helped - do come and post if you would like. Guaranteed no flaming or judging on that thread (though there hasn't been on this thread either, I just mean it's a risk with AIBU and with ordinary Relationships threads)

how to end it in a safer sort of way

I hope this page helps you a little bit. It sounds like you're getting there, it's a really good sign that you are starting to detach in your head already, starting to see him as someone who is not on your team, not on your side, not good for you. Someone you want to be rid of.

Fwiw he is possessive of you as he is getting a huge kick out of controlling and abusing you. If you began to stand up for yourself and get backup. ec etc which is obviously what you do when you're ready to leave (and don't let him know, beforehand) then you won't be nearly so interesting to him, just watch his interest take a dive and he'll just be angry and nasty I think

You're right about the history, it might arouse suspicion - maybe just change your MN password and log out, or delete this thread from your history, or something, and leave the rest.

Also can you change the password on your bank account - not till you've got a plan of what order to do things in though, as it too would arouse suspicion.

He sounds like a Jeremy Kyle guest, immature accusations etc,

Have you had serious conversation with him about your behaviour??

About the history as well- if I were you, I'd be posting on quite a few random threads with your usual MN nickname at the moment, so that if he does look at your history there is a load of other boring stuff coming up. Also, do consider asking MNHQ to move this somewhere less easy to find if you are concerned.