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Original poster

Call off my wedding?

160 replies

weddingBlues · 05/03/2012 09:39

Have namechanged for this.

I will try not to drip feed but i will apologise in advance incase i leave things out as i have only had about 3 hours sleep thanks to my 7 week old dd.

As the title suggests, i'm really having cold feet about getting married. Dp and i have been together 4 years and we have 2 small children. We got together quite quickly after i split from my ex (we were together 7 years) and he had never had a serious relationship before me.

Usually we are very happy together but in the back of his mind he still believes i'm going to go back to my ex. Have a dd with my ex so still need to contact him with regards to her but dp thinks i shouldn't be nice or friendly to him in any way as apparently this will give ex the wrong impression. I have no problem with ex, we broke up amicably and get along for dd's sake. Dp thinks this must mean i still have feelings for him.

Since our dd was born 7 weeks ago things have got progressively worse. We are arguing all the time and even though it won't be about anything to do with my ex he will make it about that EVERYTIME. The rows are getting so bad he shouts so loud at me, belittles me, like saying the house is a shitpit (which it really isn't btw) and i must be a lazy cow even though i'm looking after a 20 month old and a newborn all day plus dd when home from school all because my 20 month old had a few toys out! I am sick of being accused of allsorts and told i must feel like this or that just because thats what he thinks.

I think i've had enough and my feelings for him have really died since all of this kicked off. He is always telling me he loves me and i can't even bring myself to think it let alone say it back Sad. I don't know if its just hormones as i've just gone onto the mini pill and just had a baby or genuine feelings. I don't even want to have sex with him and that really isn't like me at all, normally we can't keep our hands off eachother but now i won't go near him. Obviously this has been met with him asking me if i'm getting it elsewhere Hmm.

I'm so down about it all, everything is booked for the wedding and almost paid for. On the outside we look like the perfect couple to everyone and behind closed doors its really not like that. But is that a good reason to call it off, which means we would probably spilt up and the children not have a happy family? He is not the most understanding of people so if i called it off i know it would not end well Sad

OP posts:
Cherriesarelovely · 05/03/2012 11:49

You are not bad at all! You are a great mum who is doing her absolute best in an incredibly difficult situation. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you when you are only just 7 weeks from having had your baby. There are so many wise people on here that have experience of what you are going through. I know it must be so hard but make those calls, cover your tracks and act normal but don't just do nothing. Please.

Original poster
weddingBlues · 05/03/2012 11:49

He is on his best behaviour atm as he has sensed a change in me, eg not saying i love you too when he says it to me, not cuddling or kissing him. He even said the other day he realises if i left it would be becausde of him not because i want my ex, but that was prob in one of his crying moments.

I'm hoping i can stay in the house and he will leave as we haven't long moved here and dd had to move schools etc

OP posts:
PineCones · 05/03/2012 11:52

I am going to say you should maybe try and appear to be unchanged till you take steps- wouldn't want that to trigger a dangerous situation for you and your DCs.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 05/03/2012 11:52

Sorry I have just realised that you have three children, not 2! Apologies, misread at the beginning.

Contact your bank and explain that you are in the process of leaving a violent partner and explain the situation with his control of the accounts and financial abuse. They may VERY WELL be able to help here by removing his link to your account if it is in your name, thus allowing you to withdraw funds from the joint account and putting them where he can't get his hands on them. Speak to the DV officers/WA about this first maybe.

Please, please start calling WA and the police TODAY. You can get out of this with their help. It's what they're there for.

Archemedes · 05/03/2012 11:55

Just read your other replies, hes already very dangerous isnt he?????

So he said to you repoeatedly go and see your ex? and then when you said fine he physically assualted you he told you'its the one thing you should never say??

He's just finding any excuse. please leave now .

BettyPerske · 05/03/2012 11:56

I don't know if you will get to keep the house. That's something WA will know loads more about than most of us.

He sounds incredibly insecure. That gives us a hint at where this behaviour comes from but is not an excuse for it.

You're doing well...keep on keeping on.

Jackstini · 05/03/2012 11:59

WB - staying in that house means he can find you.
Get out, today and call Women's Aid.
How long do you have before he gets home?
Pack whatever you can - can one of your friends store anything larger?
Just take DCs, bank stuff, laptop, ID etc.
Call them now and get out asap

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 05/03/2012 11:59

Yes you can get him out and under threat of arrest if he comes near you if you can report this violence and threatening behaviour. He is a danger to small children.

Surely you can't be THAT bad - no, you aren't. You sound perfectly normal - in fact, lovely, sensible, caring, responsible, intelligent. The issue is that he's a complete nutcase. That's it in a nutshell - but you know that. You've lived with him for four years- you are normal, he is not. That's why this is such a dangerous situation for you and your girls to be in.

solidgoldbrass · 05/03/2012 12:07

This man can be made to leave you alone, and if he doesn't do so he will go to prison.
Also, please bear this in mind, even if you had been sleeping with 50 different men a night your partner would still be the one in the wrong for attacking you. People who use violence or the threat of it to control a partner's sexual behaviour are scum, end of. The only ethical sanction against an unfaithful partner is to leave the relationship. Please don't worry for one second about him saying that you have 'cheated': tell everyone about his violence and abuse. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

Talk to WA first, then the police DV unit, both of whom will give you lots of help. You'll also need to have a word with your XP, not only might he be able to help you, perhaps lend you money or at least give you some support as you say you are on good co-parent terms - but TBH your XP needs to be warned of how vile and dangerous this man is, as XP may be in danger himself and might need to make his local police station aware of a possible threat.

You can get away. Scumbags like this man are frightening, but they do not have superpowers, they do not get to abuse other people with impunity and they often collapse when the authorities step in and put them in their place.

Original poster
weddingBlues · 05/03/2012 12:13

crunch my middle dc is a boy and i certainly do not want him growing up thinking this is how you treat women.

I understand he is insecure and that is my fault. I've never once cheated on dp but i have hidden conversations with ex and lied about it. Mainly because i didn't want it to cause any arguments and i knew it would cause me trouble when i shouldn't have been doing itg in the first place. That sais i KNOW i do not deserve to be treated like this even if he says its justified because i'm a slag or whatever.

He really doesn't have a clue about my feelings at all he thinks we're all fine and dandy.

Not sure where i would be able to go especially with 3 kids one being a newborn. I will need to take a lot of stuff and i want to be 100% sure i know what i'm doing or have a plan in place weith friends in the know incase it goes tits up and i'm stuck

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 05/03/2012 12:17

I think you need to get out of this one babe. That's just not right.

Pozzled · 05/03/2012 12:21

His insecurity is absolutely NOT your fault. You "have hidden conversations with ex and lied about it. Mainly because i didn't want it to cause any arguments and i knew it would cause me trouble"

His insecurity led to you lying, not the other way round. In normal, healthy relationships, both partners are able to have friendships with both men and women, without constantly being questioned about it. When their are children involved, normal people understand that it's necessary to maintain a good relationship with the other parent.

He has subtly changed your perceptions of what is normal and acceptable, making you think that it's not ok to have the occasional conversation with your ex. That is a classic sign of abuse.

KatAndKit · 05/03/2012 12:22

It isn't your fault he is insecure.
You need to have conversations with your ex because he is the father of your child. My partner has conversations with his ex sometimes for the same reason. I don't even question it.

You don't need to take a lot of "stuff". If you get help from Women's Aid there is very little you will actually need. "stuff" can always be replaced, or lent to you by other people while you get back on your feet.
You need to call womens aid and get a plan in place to keep you and your children safe. You are the only person now who can take responsibility for their well being, they are depending on you to be brave and do this.

Cherriesarelovely · 05/03/2012 12:30

It is NOT your fault! My DP was a bit insecure about my ex because of past experiences. It was very difficult for a while. DP could not understand why I thought it a good idea to be cordial and reasonable with ex. However, this insecurity was never expressed violently or in ultimatums, we talked it through month after month and in the end it worked out fine. This is not the same as in your situation at all though.

You HAVE to have a connection with your ex because of your DD. That is never going to change. Your DP is never going to be able to cope with this. His behaviour is in NO way normal or reasonable. It is the actions of an abusive and manipulative person who you need to protect yourself from.

butilikesalt · 05/03/2012 12:38

You can talk to your bank about the account. You can also set up an entirely new account at any bank of your choosing, often for a very small minimum deposit. He doesn't need to know anything about it. Then, when you are leaving him, drain the funds from A into B.

imnotmymum · 05/03/2012 12:40

Just a question OP but how are you now OK i hope bet it been a mad day for you have you been able to talk to anyone yet today

Jackstini · 05/03/2012 12:41

WB - Please, please call WA and ask them about where you could go and everything else you are worried about logistics-wise.

Then you will know and can take some action.
The number is 0808 2000 247

mrstiredandconfused · 05/03/2012 12:56

It is NOT YOUR FAULT - if he was in any way "normal" you would NOT have to hide anything from him. He is insecure, violent and aggressive - NONE of which is a result of what you have ir haven't done. He has manipulated you into thinking that you have caused him to be like this - darling, you are not to blame.

You must get out, agree with others - take even a couple of days if you need to, but the bottom like is he has threatened to kill you.

I don't want to scare or upset you, but what if he succeeds? Do you really want your babies growing up without a mummy?

You must stop doubting yourself - it is preventing you from doing what you know you must. None of this is your fault love, please please believe what we're all telling you x

ilikecandyandrunning · 05/03/2012 13:52

Sorry but he sounds horrid

BettyPerske · 05/03/2012 13:57

Does anyone know if the police will act to remove him from their property under the joint tenancy?

What are her options? If he was to go, surely it would be better for the time being so that the children aren't uprooted with immediate effect - could she get an injunction against him preventing him from coming anywhere near their home? Or get someone/children's father/ someone else to move in for a while so she feels safer?

I'm sorry I don't have this kind of info - WA will have it - I think you should ring them and just talk.

BlueFergie · 05/03/2012 14:08

Agree with others you do need to leave. Get affairs in order ie important documentation etc. Ring WA and talk to them, they can advice you better than anyone on here.
Re finances can I ask some questions? Assume you are on mat leave? Are you being paid? Into what account? Do you receive CB and TC. Where are they paid to? Once you resolve to leave go and open another bank account. Ring your workplace and change the account into which they pay your wages to the new account. Ditto the agency in charge of CB and TC (am Irish so don't know the name). Make sure you leave before he notices this money has not been paid into the normal place. The day you leave transfer money from your joint acc and your own account to the new account.

solidgoldbrass · 05/03/2012 14:21

Between the police DV unit and WA it should be possible to find your way to a solicitor who will sort out an emergency occupation order and non-molestation order; you may be advised to move out for a couple of days while these orders are processed. WHat it means is that the man will be forbidden to return to the house and if he appears on the doorstep he can be arrested immediately.

And it serves him right. He has abused you and threatened to kill you; he's not fit to be in civilised society.

TooImmatureTurtleDoves · 05/03/2012 14:46

Is there anyone you and the kids can stay with for a while? Friend, relative, even your ex if you have to? You need to get out, so you need a place to stay. Failing that, if the police can remove your P, do you have another adult to come and stay with you? You need support. I would be petrified to stay alone in the house even if there was a restraining order in place.

PBandJSandwiches · 05/03/2012 14:54

No advice, but just wanted to day stay safe and stay strong.

Lunabelly · 05/03/2012 15:11

Please, please get out. I'm reading this in tears because I remember what it's like to see my mum carted off in an ambulance. There are so many organisations out there who can help you get out before it reaches that stage. Use them. Please. They are there for you.

You've made the first step. Well done. Stay strong.