Call off my wedding?

[weddingBlues]

Have namechanged for this.

I will try not to drip feed but i will apologise in advance incase i leave things out as i have only had about 3 hours sleep thanks to my 7 week old dd.

As the title suggests, i'm really having cold feet about getting married. Dp and i have been together 4 years and we have 2 small children. We got together quite quickly after i split from my ex (we were together 7 years) and he had never had a serious relationship before me.

Usually we are very happy together but in the back of his mind he still believes i'm going to go back to my ex. Have a dd with my ex so still need to contact him with regards to her but dp thinks i shouldn't be nice or friendly to him in any way as apparently this will give ex the wrong impression. I have no problem with ex, we broke up amicably and get along for dd's sake. Dp thinks this must mean i still have feelings for him.

Since our dd was born 7 weeks ago things have got progressively worse. We are arguing all the time and even though it won't be about anything to do with my ex he will make it about that EVERYTIME. The rows are getting so bad he shouts so loud at me, belittles me, like saying the house is a shitpit (which it really isn't btw) and i must be a lazy cow even though i'm looking after a 20 month old and a newborn all day plus dd when home from school all because my 20 month old had a few toys out! I am sick of being accused of allsorts and told i must feel like this or that just because thats what he thinks.

I think i've had enough and my feelings for him have really died since all of this kicked off. He is always telling me he loves me and i can't even bring myself to think it let alone say it back . I don't know if its just hormones as i've just gone onto the mini pill and just had a baby or genuine feelings. I don't even want to have sex with him and that really isn't like me at all, normally we can't keep our hands off eachother but now i won't go near him. Obviously this has been met with him asking me if i'm getting it elsewhere .

I'm so down about it all, everything is booked for the wedding and almost paid for. On the outside we look like the perfect couple to everyone and behind closed doors its really not like that. But is that a good reason to call it off, which means we would probably spilt up and the children not have a happy family? He is not the most understanding of people so if i called it off i know it would not end well

It's not that we don't know that you are in a very difficult position OP, of course you are. You have 3 young children and very little family support from what you have told us but what you describe makes me feel that your life is in danger. Please, please do something to protect yourself and your DCs.

As others have said postpone the wedding and go for counselling. I don't know what you can do if he disagrees or even becomes agressive and abusive because of the idea but a councelor would make him see what you (yourself) are going through and that he is totally unreasonable. Surely, we wouldn't be able to use the same cheap, aggressive, abusive and totally inapropriate and out of place and proportion comments in front of a qualified stranger, would he? Especially if you were to mention knives etc. they might even alert the SS to intervene and restrict him from having access to the children. Wouldn't this scare him?

You have a choice here, you can cancel the wedding. Yes it's difficult to do when everything is booked, and you may lose money, but that's a much much better outcome than trapping yourself in an unhappy marriage. You need to take control of your life here.

Even before I read about the incident with the knife I was thinking you surely can't want to marry a man who shouts at you, belittles you, calls you lazy and accuses you of cheating on him - and only a few weeks after you've given birth to his child!

It's a shame for a relationship to break down when there are children involved, no doubt about it, but what's done is done, you can't go back in time and not have kids with him. All you can do now is try to make the best decisions for you and your children - and that does not include marrying a man who behaves like this.

Funnily enough the only person i have told any of this too is my ex. Not because i have any feelings for him or wish to be with him but after being together for 7 years we were good friends and i guess he understands me, plus i have nobody else. I find it very hard to talk about my feelings, mainly for fear of what others might think of me.

Dp would go absolutely mad if he knew, its so bad i'm having to cover my tracks so carefully. All texts are deleted, i even have to check if i have text anyone else as it their name stays in my recent list and i have to make sure it all stays in the same order so i'm texting people randomly just to keep that all straight. Yes dp goes through my phone, but he has stopped checking computer history, well i think he has but then again theres nothing for him to find there so he may still be checking and not saying.

He just text me saying "love you xxx". It actually turns my stomach and normally i would write yeah love you too but i know its all fake.

He sounds a real piece of work. Alarm bells reading that. Knives?! Joking about killing you?
IMO you should see how you can protect your children and get away from this man. Maybe someone in your family who can support you?
I would say you should start a secret emergency fund.
Is your house yours or joint name?
Has he ever been violent?
And how does he behave towards your dd with your ex? Does he love and cherish her? If not, I believe you have an answer.

Goodness I just read about the assault.
Might make sense to contact a women's shelter or talk to the police.
Please don't endanger yourself or your children.

Going for counselling is not appropriate in this case. Counselling is not the answer to being threatened with being stabbed. This is not a situation where you should sit down and talk about your feelings and explore why he is turning into a potentially violent abuser who wants to kill you.

This is a situation where you should remove yourself and your children to a place of safety. Don't wait for him to actually follow through on his threat to stab you.

"Whether things can change and get better i have no idea."

They can't and they won't. Not while you are with this man.

He doesn't respect you, he thinks that he has the absolute right to control you, your actions and even your feelings. He thinks that if you don't behave as you 'should', he can't be expected to control his own actions- he will lose his temper, be violent towards you and it will, in his mind, be 'your fault'. He is slowly getting you to believe this as well, but at the moment you can still see the injustice and warped logic behind it. If you stay with him, you will stop realising that it doesn't make sense. You will blame yourself for his behaviour and when he starts on the children, you will try to get them to change their behaviour so as not to provoke him.

Think logically for a minute- he blames you for things that aren't even happening (a closer relationship with your ex than you're telling him about). But when he completely and utterly in the wrong (brandishing a knife) he still blames you.

He can't change because he can't even acknowledge that he is wrong.

You need to leave him, or make him leave.

weddingblues - you're in a very vulnerable situation at the moment, so I think you need to be careful how you handle this. If I were you I would take a day or two to collect your thoughts and gather everything you will need. There is advice about this on the WA website I linked to earlier. Basically you will need all your and DD's documentation and some essential clothing, etc for both of you. Given that there have been threats to kill, I would go into refuge, from where you will be given help to access emergency housing and eventually end up with a place of your own. You can insist on contact only at a contact centre independent of your own house, so there is no need for your X to ever find out your new address. That said, in your position I'd actually be witholding contact as domestic abuse is a big marker for child abuse, especially when carried out in front of the child as in your case. But that's your call. SS will be able to help you if you contact them about this. They can be very supportive

I'd also get WA/the refuge to talk you through using the full extent of the law to keep this man away from you. MAny victims of abuse don't want to do this - they either think it's not serious enough or that it will escalate things. But IME it is the only language these abusers understand. Once they realise that the system is fighting back as well as you they often back off.

Good luck.

He does love my dd with ex but he doesn't see why ex has to be in her life as he should be all she needs as he is doing everything for her. Ex really upset dd at xmas by not seeing her and not contacting her for 2 weeks, i was very angry and had words with ex and rightly so. But dp thinks this means he does not love her ( i know he does, when he is with her he is great) and i should stop him seeing her. I told him he had no right to say that and he did back down eventually. I was not allowed to contact ex with regards to maintenance so went through csa to keep dp happy and the result is we are £100 a month worse off which dp isn't happy about!!

I know this is completely doomed, and when i totally get my head arounnd that i will do something about it. Deep down i know i don't want to be with him, just got to find a way of sorting that.

Oh God this is terrifying

OP I am so sorry. Paivia is totally wrong, if he has to be in your life at all, so much better it's only under supervised contact (if any - do you have a decent solicitor?) than in your home, making you all scared and unhappy.

I am afraid this is the sort of man who would take your children on an access visit and not return them. It happens. I dont want to freak you out but he is displaying some very worrying behaviours.

First of all, log everything with the police. Everything so far; give a statement, they will write it all down (better face to face I think so ask to see their domestic violence person). Every incident will count against him if you separate and he tries to get residency/access to the children.

The police won't act unless you ask them to so they'll just keep all the details and if it comes to it, you will then have a good record of what he was doing to you. (and your children)

I hope you have got some family support or just friends, anyone, someone on your side IRL because you will need as much of a support network as you can gather. I feel as though he is doing all this crappy stuff because he thinks he can get away with it. He thinks no one knows; classic bullying tactics.

If he realises you've begun to detach somewhat, you will tell people etc he may tone it down. He doesn't want them to think he's a bastard.

Be really careful though and keep your cards close to you, because you don't want him to have any advance warning of your own plans or feelings really. Dont tell him if you talk to anyone especially the police.

Womens aid are the experts and will talk you through all this step by step.

Am not trying to be provocative here OP but what would happen if your DP did find out that you had been talking to your ex about this, found a text or whatever???

In terms of worrying about what others think....I once taught the most gorgeous lovely little boy who was aged 5 at the time. His parents would come and visit me at parent's evenings and I thought they were just the absolute perfect family, he particularly struck me as the most wonderful, attentive father. Fast foward 5 years later I saw the mother looking like a shaddow of her former self in Tescos with her kids in tow. She ran up to me and hugged me and blurted out that she was living in a womens refuge after years and years of abuse, the stories she told me made my jaw drop to the floor. Even at the time I saw this apparently charming man every day dropping his child off in my class he was going home and beating the crap out of his wife. I am happy to say that the mum now has a nice home funnily enough in the village where I teach today and she has made a great new life for herself.

I suppose I am telling you this to reassure you that not EVERYONE will think that you are cheating or that you are lying about your DP. I would bet that others have seen glimpses of his behaviour at some point anyway.

I hope you have the courage to leave this man for the sake of both yourself and your children. It isn't fixable. Living with him is not a good experience and it would only get worse if you stayed. Good luck - hope you can get some support from somewhere, whether or not that includes from your ex.

Couples counselling is not recommended for abusive relationships - all too often they are used by the abuser (and that's what he is) to further the abuse.

Please come over to Relationships and find the Surviving abusive relationships thread (I will bump it for you). Here you will find lots of women who understand this stuff only too well and who all support each other. You could also start your own thread on Relationships.

When I was writing my post OP had yet to drip feed the fact this man was abusing her, which obviously changes her situation completely.

i just don't believe that our relationship will be forever

my feelings for him have really died

If a friend said these things to you, you'd advise them to cancel the wedding, wouldn't you?

And that's without taking his twatty behaviour into account. He doesn't sound like much of a catch, to put it mildly, I can understand why you feel like you do!

Sod the money, cancel the wedding and go to Relate. You can't get married feeling like this, it would be the wrong thing for you, for him and for your DC.

Do you really think they are in a "happy family" at the moment? You're not happy. Your partner can't be happy or he wouldn't be acting like an abusive prick. This relationship sounds potentially dangerous for you, him, your DCs and your ex, and you can't let it go on as it is.

Please don't marry him in July, get some counselling - if he won't go, go on your own (and give serious thought to what you want to do). If he threatens to harm you contact Women's Aid and next time he gets a knife out to go down to your ex's (!) I would phone the police and let them deal with him.

He WILL leave you alone if you stand up to him - and you can.

Call Womens' Aid today and get advice. The best thing to do would be to go to the police, report his assault and get a restraining order. I don't know if you can imagine yourself doing that - but one thing to remember is - these kinds of men are bullies and COWARDS. He's the big bully when it's a newly delivered vulnerable woman he's strangling... It's a different story if he knows that woman is prepared to call in reinforcements, the police, the courts. You might find that taking action like this actually does solve the problem. It's also worth thinking about access - he is your DD's dad, there will have to be access - if you don't have a record of his violence against you, he will have the right to unsupervised access which a. It doesn't sound as if he should have and b. he will use to abuse you and your DD.

Worst case scenario - yes he's a total nutter and won't leave you alone even if you ended the relationship and reported his violence. It is STILL BETTER BY FAR to have him out of your everyday lives. Staying with him WON'T make him a good or safe person to be with - the only thing that will happen is that your children will grow up being terrorised (presumably there's no way your first DD will maintain a good relationship with her dad, and goodness knows what kind of abuse will eventually come her way as 'that bastard's kid' instead of his). There's no comparison in the two situations - even if he made your lives hell, you and your children would have incomparably better happier lives without him living with you. And the longer he keeps on harassing and threatening, the better chance you have of getting him put away and or refused access altogether. That's what DOES eventually happen with the ones that 'won't leave you alone'.

His family? Not important. I'd write a letter detailing everything to his mother - then you know you've said your piece. She won't believe it of course... But in years to come she'll be reading it again and again and the more he harasses you, the more she'll remember your words.

Get out now. The best (and totally possible) scenario is that he walks away screaming what a bitch you are and how he wants nothing more to do with you and his DD. oh, and let your other DD's dad know about what's happening, if you can and if it's safe to do so- nothing like there also being the threat of another man watching out for the welfare of HIS dd in the background to see off a bullying abusive little coward like this.

I just can't quite believe it has all come to this. I've worked hard to get where i am now, used to be a single young mum with dd on benefits living in a shitty flat etc. Now i have a great job, which i was going to give up after maternity leave because dp thought it was easier and would rather i was home with kids instead of his mum having them or nursery.

I learnt to drive, but sold my car which i saved so hard for when i met dp so we could buy a bigger family one (even though he had hgis licence taken away then for drink driving) and had the car put in his name.

We have only joint bank accounts except one which is solely in my name, he has pestered me into getting it changed i just told him its more hassle than its worth. I really do not have access to much money and he would certainly be able to have access to it all too.

We have a lovely house which we rent, the tenancy is in both our names so not sure what i would do with regards to that?

I don't want to go back to thatn shitty life and he bloody knows it

Crossed posts with you, I'm glad you realise it has to end. That's so sad I know, but such a positive step

It's having that permission and the practical assistance to get out, isn't it - WA are really good on that, they're not just a helpline, they have local outreach people that can meet with you over a coffee and get you free legal advice, all sorts of things, they will organise everything for you if you need them to.

I had their help once and they were fantastic. They are always available when you need them. (may not get through always on the helpline but once they've put you in touch with the local people, they will take over and look after you really well)

Please keep posting
We are here x

The "I am all you/she should ever need" is a classic thought process of family annihilators. I don't want to freak you out and I know I'm going to so I'm really, really sorry, but you need to be aware of that. Combine that with the threats to kill and the next article in the newspapers about a man who kills his partner and children really could be about you.

Please do not discuss any of this with him, as the point at which you leave is often the most dangerous. Fake it but pretend everything is normal until you are ready to leave and then just go. When it comes to abusers, you don't owe them a face-to-face exit or an explanation, though if you really want to you could leave a Dear John letter.

Don't worry about what others think. Most people won't actually care either way TBH. Some will believe you (and it will be more than you think), some will believe him. But if they do then that's probably because they're the sort of people who condone abuse or believe a man is the head of te household, so they're not really people you want around your or your DD anyway and you're better off without them.

OMG x posts!

GET OUT NOW.

NOW.

Don't dally.

Get on to Women's Aid for advice now, this morning.

Good luck x

pinkPussycat i read that entire thread the other day and its what made me see sense! One of the links on there, something like 20 signs of abuse struck a chord with me and actually frightened me a little.

I left all the history on the laptop after reading through the links in the hope he may see it and realise he is being a twat but i don't think he has seen it.

I'm not sure what would happen if he knew i had text my ex about this, i know he would go mad. There is no way on earth i would want him to find out put it that way.

Just a thought, but if he has gone through your internet history in the past, you might want to make sure he can't find any reference to this thread ...

This man is trying to isolate you. This isn't about jealousy and being worried you might get back with your ex, this is about disempowering you so that you have nowhere to turn and have no choice but to stay. He wants you to have nobody but him, which is why he thinks that your child should not see it's father. Completely unreasonable, but if you stay with him he will wear you down to thinking that this is ok. he already has you believing that him attacking you is your fault. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

You MUST leave this man, and in my opinion, you need to do it worth support of somewhere like women's aid, because you have no idea how he will react to you leaving him.

What he says to his family is irrelevant. Whether they believe him is irrelevant. You need to protect yourself and your babies, and you need to do it sooner rather than later.