to half wish this pregnancy isn't successful?

[hells1908]

Flame me.

Right, long winded rant alert.

I had my DS when I was 19 and at university so far from perfect but we pulled through, and he's about to go off to university himself. We've been through our trials and tribulations - his Dad, who was the college heartthrob, revealed himself to be a violent, alcoholic depressive. I bore the brunt of it, sometimes my DS. DS has Aspergers, which has brought us lows and many more highs. It's not been the most ideal of childhoods, and I have spent most of it as a lone parent, but managed to run various ad agencies in between, DS rocks, bless him, because I wouldn't have wished some of the things he's gone through on anyone, least of all my own flesh and blood.

Anyhows. New DP, have been together 18 months, and I am 5 months with twins. We've been through our own woods too. But now the very successful MD of a global company (sue me, it was sexy that he was powerful) is out of work, is trying very hard, but it's been 6 months and still nothing doing, I am the size of a small elephant because of the twins, knackered, and in a huge amount of pain (scans keep showing up OK and they keep saying it's just ligaments but it's crippling), but am working full time as a freelancer because each week is one month's rent on the new house we need to rent because this one is too small/run down (had bought it before I met DP as a romantic project to do after DS left home, tiny cottage, but fab location, I had a Beeny moment!)...oh, and I don't know whether it's that I'm taking out my ire at my lot on him, or hormones, or just...but simply don't find him sexy anymore and we haven't done the deed since August, and (yes, because he'll be picking up on that) most nights I go to bed and he drinks 3 bottles of wine (I'm not exagerating) and falls asleep on the sofa.

Unless he's been out at networking events - and it's absolutely right he shuold do that to help with the job search - but then he'll come in at 2am and breathe fumes over me and wake me up. I was actually sick the last time I did it; second trimester hasn't brought any respite!

So...ramble ramble. It's just the first time around with DS, when we lived in a damp basement and frogs got into his nursery, and I was at Oxford bloomin university and got a first despite everything, I made all sorts of Scarlett O'Hara promises to myself that next time, if there was one, it would be oh so different.

Yet I am stuck with an unemployed partner, in a rundown house, at work when I shouldn't be (I know that sounds lame, I know everyone gets pregnant and works, but even the hospital has been raising eyebrows), with DP drinking himself silly each night...and the final straw was tonight he's suggested packing DS off for New Year to his Dad's so we can have a babymoon which is a LOVELY idea, but last New Year his alcho Dad beat him up on NY and we had to drive to Oxford to rescue him and there is absolutely no way on earth I am letting that happen again. Ever.

AIBU? Spoilt? The twins were completely unplanned. But I am resenting every minute that I am not enjoying being pregnant. And, yes, I do have Bad Thoughts about how maybe it wasn't meant to be.

I just don't know how to begin to even broach this with him without it completely knocking his self esteem which would be so counter productive. But I get emails from the Pampers bloomin baby club saying 'you may feel like painting your nursery now, don't climb a ladder!' and it's like, what nursery? How did I get to this point?

Argh.

I agree. I don't love DH unconditionally. One of those conditions isn't his employment status, but there are conditions. (Fidelity, treatment of myself and dc etc.)

I think that your DH needs to seriously widen the jobs that he is applying for. He needs to get a job - any job - to keep the money coming in and to bolster his sense of self - losing a job is very hard especially when you have babies on the way and hitting the bottle isn't an unusual reaction.

If he is having problems with being over-qualified then he needs to play down his skills and experience. Maybe a career coach can help with this stuff - I used to work with some and they are really very good at what they do. That might give him a bit of focus too.

Him drinking 3 bottles of wine a night is unsustainable - he needs to knock it on the head before the babies arrive - or how will you cope 2 babies to look after and someone either pissed or hungover around the place. You need to talk to him ASAP and together make a PLAN of how you are going to deal with this situation together.

If he is not interested / won't stop drinking / won't ACT to try and make this better for you all then obviously you are going to need a very serious think about the way forward.

Ninky - exactly.

I think you need to give your DP the chance to talk to you about how he is feeling as well. He has lost his job and probably his whole sense of self along with it. He is painfully aware that he is not fulfilling what he sees as his role by failing to provide for his pregnant partner. He is probably ashamed, guilty, depressed, confused, with low self esteem. He is worried and miserable trying to blot it all out by disappearing into a bottle of wine to escape his thoughts. He can't talk to you as you seem to be avoiding him which is almost certainly making him feel worse and he probably is trying to protect you from knowing just how worried he is. It is incredibly tough for a man in his position to lose his job. He needs your support and empathy. You need to try to be positive for both of you even though this will be hard and you may well need outside help. It is hard for both of you. He is trying to find a new role. He is not a deadbeat. Pregnancy is making your worries greater but it is not all about you. You are a team and your DP is hurting. Maybe you are used to him being the alpha male but at the moment he needs you to take a stronger role and support him. You need to get your support from friends. I would suggest rather than bombarding him with your other concerns which he probably shares you approach him by saying you are worried about him and give him an opportunity to open up to you. One of you needs to take the stronger role here and though it will be hard it may have to be you for a while. With your loving support he will almost certainly get himself back on track. Good luck.

I think it's entirely understandable that you want to be in a different situation than you are right now and half-wishing the pregnancy weren't successful is just one part of that. You probably just want to wake up to a different life.

So my suggestions on what to do with the life you have got . . .

Talk to your DP. You will probably need more than one heart-to-heart here and more ongoing conversations and (dare I say it) intimacy in general. You can ask him how he feels about his drinking, this period in his life, the twins etc. He may have some doubts too that you both can work through. It's possible that you will find out that he is a deadbeat but it's also possible that this is just a chapter that will make your marriage more enduring (like Truffkin's dad wisely said).

Re New Year's, fair point re not wanting to send DS to his dad for a repeat performance of last year, but maybe think about other ways/other times of having a baby moon with DP?

Are you absolutely sure you can't do something with your cottage to make it feel more spacious and less run-down (so that you don't have to rent a place) like painting the walls and floors white (this is something DP can do :)!) and getting rid of some stuff? I assume it's two-bedroom although you mention that the twins would need to sleep in your room for 16 months so maybe it's a one-bedroom which really would be a bit of a challenge.

If you are a high-earner, and it sounds as though you are, you may want to consider going back to work fairly soon after the twins are born. Not sure what your plans are in this regard.

You are definitely in a tough situation but judging from your past (single mum with a first from Oxford? raising son with Asperger's who is off to uni? managing ad agencies?), I have no doubt that you will sort it out fabulously.

Morning all, and what a lovely Sunday breakfast sausage charring I have had from you all!

I know the title is grim. I feel grim. Life looks grim. It wasn't designed as an attention grabber, it's what I have caught myself thinking in my bleakest moments.

One thing I didn't really talk about in the OP is my DS. He'll be 18 at roughly the twins' EDD, he has Aspergers, we're in the final lap with him in terms of getting A levels done and off to Uni...it's been a slog, he needs a lot of attention, and I don't want things to fall apart now.

The main reason for moving (and the house is on the market, forgot to say, just things are v slow at the moment, have lowered the price but still), apart from the ramshackle state of this place, is to be able to have a tall house so there can be space between DS and crying twins while he's revising and sitting exams. He's had on off issues with insomnia as it is.

Sue me.

On which note, I have done something proactive this morning, which was to go and see the lovely Sue who runs a B&B across the road and she's agreed, if we're still here, DS can have a key and just pop over in the middle of the night if he's being kept awake. So that's something.

And have ordered the Xmas tree as realised in the unlikely chance we get to move before Xmas I can probably stand the loss of a few squid on a tree and donate it to the B&B samaritan instead!

I think maybe I just need to be ruthlessly practical about everything. What would I do to look after DS and the twins were DP not here. And that might help with the sense of panic. And then 'sort' DP/me out separately. I think lessening freelance hours/trying to do some of it at home is a good idea too.

He's back at lunch time. Wish us luck.

And for those I've offended because they're TTC, I am really really sorry, I genuinely am, but the benefit of an anon forum like this is I can say what I actually feel rather than sugar coating it like I would for friends/family. It IS how I feel when the black dog comes a-growling, which is why I need help.

toothbrushthief yes, I think you're right. The pregnancy has become a totem.

And timetoask I agree. Have been an MN lurker for a while and there does seem to be a tendency, at the least sign of trouble at mill, for everyone to scream he's evil, flee, the nasty man...I love him. I don't think I have made him this way, but the situation has contributed...so I need to help. But I think the order goes DS, twins, DP.

And sorry, some of you wrote lovely non-flaming things whilst I was posting - thank you!

OP - just wanted to add, that many many many people have had babies in much more financially dire situations than your own. At least you own a house! Between you - you have a job, savings, a boat etc... (money to order a Christmas tree etc..)

Also, I could feed my family of 5 each day on the amount your DP is spending on wine - he needs to address this. He will not get a job in this mind frame - it will be affecting his judgement, appearance, and overall ability to present himself.

Don't blame you babies for how you feel, please talk to your GP or midwife though.

Good Morning.

"One option is to set up his own business - we have some ideas - but that would mean taking more money out of the savings and I just worry that, when I'm no longer earning, I'll have to ask for cash for haircuts, DS university starter kit etc..."

To be honest, this is a good idea. There are so many entrepreneurs at the moment, that some universities are tailoring their MBAs towards business start up! However, I dont think your dp needs that, if he has worked himself up to a very senior level. And if you have worked for him, then you are not "lost behind a chair either" as the famous Norwegian saying goes.

In my very humble experience, the business which starts up with bells and whistles, flash offices and top accountants to do their accounting, are expensive and will often fall flat as a pancake very quickly, losing their owners a lot of money. It does not need to be expensive to start up. Be modest. Develop a sound business plan. Start from home, see your bank, limited companies does not cost much. Inquire about start up loans, use your contacts, and be prepared for hard work and long grit. You will also be eligible for tax credits, especially important if you are running a start up and take little salary to start with.

Hi jenski...I know. But on that same logic we should all stop posting...I hate my MIL! Well, mine got blown up in a Libyan air raid. My DH doesn't help with night time feeding! Well, mine got killed in Afghanistan.

I am aware I am better off than most. We may all be in one room, but at least we have a room etc etc. But I am posting about my situation, and my sense of entitlement, and the fact that, despite 18 years of working at the top of my game, and getting DS to the position he is now, I am in, essentially, the same position I was then - a crummy house, no financial support, a wine-d up DP, and having to be Nancy Drew like about the whole thing. Again. And if this is the situation now - can make a reasonable assumption the next 18 years with the twins will be the same.

Grrr!

OP, the dark thoughts are there, but you seem to be dwelling on the twins as the main problem and not your DP and almost defiant about these horrible feelings.

Only drinking in the evenings does not mean DP does not have an alcohol problem. We cannot tell you if he's an alcoholic, but there is clearly an alcohol problem there, whether it's a recent thing or has been there for a long time only you will know.

With a teen in the house, not good that your DP is drunk every night, even for a short time and in hard circumstances, what is that saying to DS?

It doesn't sound like DP would cope with setting up a business right now, that would be extremely pressured and hard, requiring more self-management in terms of responding to stress etc than he seems to have at the moment. It might actually be better if he took care of the twins and you returned to work, but betcha his ego couldn't cope with that!

Have you talked about relocating if he gets a job (presume that senior jobs often require this?) what would that mean for DS?

oP, you have done a lot and done well, despite the current problems, your Ds is nearly there in terms of starting out on his life, you have a well-paid job and so on. Have confidence that you can handle whatever comes next. And perhaps get some support in RL to help right now? As it's a v rough time.

Op-sorry but you sound incredibly shallow-and your thread title is extremely offensive to some one who has had to bury three babies.

Your dp has issues with drinking-3 bottles a night is not acceptable but he is probably feeling shit due to lack of job. You are hardly helping his self esteem when you admit you dont fancy him now he is no linger the big boss

The majority of people have their babies in their room with them-and why do you need a maternity nurse?

Yes life is tough but you have a house,a job,enough savings to be ok for a wee while-really there are people if far far worse situations.

In its essentials, the OP's problem is this: she's five months pregnant with twins and she lives with a man who's unemployed and often drinks three bottles of wine a night. I'm not surprised she's feeling depressed about it - I think most of us would be in the same situation.

Does the DP have any children of his own? Does he have any idea of the responsibilities of parenthood? Because if not, he's in for a nasty shock. He really needs to get work of some kind soon - if he's that brilliant, I'm sure he could get freelance consulting work of some kind. But I don't see how he's going to be able to do that while he's drinking himself stupid every night.

So he needs to be able to sort out the drinking problem before tackling anything else. If he doesn't realise this, then I have no idea how you can help him realise it. I think the OP is in a horrible position, because the alternative is being the single mother of twins, not a situation anyone would relish.

What I am trying to say is trying looking at the positives! If you are unable to do this it may be that you are depressed and need some help. As for your DP, he clearly needs some help.

AND don't complain about finances, when your DP is knocking back at least £400 a month!!!!

Like others have said, you need to address your relationship issues whilst you have the time to do so. It is difficult to have a relationship with a drunk, and he is still drunk in the morning if he is drinking that much.

shadow yes, we do have a good plan, and who knows I may be back on MN in a few weeks doing research on you all as it's a foodie thing that we'd do with a certain well known supermarket who've expressed interest...But it is SUCH a gamble. And therefore the kind of thing you'd do with an empty nest rather than one that's about to be bulging.

You know what, my head on this misty Sunday morning is telling me, quit whinging. Put DS first. As a) a child and b) one who's actually breathing air. Just rent somewhere. Which will mean mortgage and rent at the same time for Lord knows how long. Keep working until it gets unbearable, then resign and say you won't if you can work from home. If that means no job, the tis Fate. Tell DP I love him to pieces but he needs to be DP not DS2. If he ups sticks then, well, Fate again.

And if we end up broke, well, if we're renting I can always get housing benefit can't I ;)

Or write a novel about the whole pavlova!

The sex thing should be a non-issue IMO, v common not to have much (or any!) in pregnancy and OP has lots of pain etc, may not be ideal but no excuse for DP's boozing etc.

WorraLiberty and hells1908 actually some people on here are qualified to diagnose alcoholism. Not that a professional would from this very limited information

No-one is qualified to diagnose anything at all on a chat board MrsTerry

Yeah - that's more like it :)

But please ask your DP to address the alcohol issue before babies arrive. If stress leads him to drink, I am sure 2 babies will be quite stressful at times (But also fantastic!)

dozer yes, more than happy to relocate and the majority of interviews he's had have been in other parts of the country. I would need to stay here alone till DS finishes school, but that would be do-able if I knew there was light at end of t'tunnel.

pink again, I am really really sorry, I genuinely am - but it is how I feel. If I can't be honest here, then where? I can't admit this to any of the family busily knitting bootees, can I? As hackmum says, I am expecting twins, feeling physically sh*te, with an unemployed DP who's drinking himself to death, and dreading the future ie having to be lone Mum to twins whether literally or because DP is not 'there'.

Anyway. The sun is out now. Going to cook lovely lunch for DP when he comes back, and let's get this sorted.

Hi op,

It does sound like a novel :) I think if you can afford private counselling you should try and do this for you. Everyone has negative thoughts but when you're ok you can dismiss them or not even notice you've had them but if you're down your mind can dwell on them.

Can you extend cottage? Can you reconfigure how you use the space? Can you soundproof your son's room? If cottage is cute could you make it into a holiday rental if you really can't live there?

Yes it's hard being made redundant but it's also hard being in your position too. I think you need to have a sober talk about what your partner's going to do. I don't know what you're husband's area is but he should be able to get a few days consulting through his contacts to get him earning again or do it for free to get his face known. Unfortunately, people stink of booze the day after a binge so if he's doing it every night he might get known for the wrong reasons...

Good luck :)

Thanks crab :)

We could put the twins in the living room, and lose that, which would mean DS being away from them...no way of soundproofing his room, it's an ancient cottage with more holes than an Edam! I have actually in a crazy moment looked into buying/renting a caravan so that DS could sleep in that. Not impossible.

It IS muddleablethroughable...and I guess I'm just down because I don't want to be muddling.

OK, really must go and do lunch now. You're all ace, thank you, feeling so much brighter now.

So many people are facing redundancy and money issues right now, you are not alone (this may or may not cheer you up!) I think you are finding it tough as you had such a tough time with your son, and perhaps had some ideals about what it would be like next time around, and actually in the middle of a recession, things are more difficult for many many families at a time they would like to be relaxing.

It may help to see that this is more than just about you, it's really hard to get work out there and it sounds like your partner has taken being out of a job badly (as did mine). I second those who say talk with your doctor about your down feelings, you are very negative about the babies and that leaves you at risk of PND (and pre-natal depression is surprisingly common).

I took this post as a cry from the heart, and that you will pick yourself up and get on with it, but that you just needed to stop and be upset about the fact life is difficult sometimes. Your husband also needs to stop drinking like that, otherwise even if he gets a job, it will soon be jeopardized by his heavy drinking.

I have to disagree with people advising that the OP gets counselling - the problem is not that she's depressed. She's depressed because of the situation. Sort out the situation, and she'd (probably) stop being depressed.

@hells1908 - I can see why you see sorting out your DS as the most important issue here. But I honestly don't think it is. In four months, possibly less, you're going to have twin babies on your hands. Someone's going to have to look after them. That's either going to be you (which means you won't be able to carry on working), or your DP (and it doesn't sound as if he's in any fit state to be looking after two babies) or a paid childminder/nanny/nursery, which is going to be difficult as two babies are a lot more expensive to look after than one.

I'm not sure, in the circs, that this is the best time to be starting up a new business - in a year or two, maybe, but surely not now, with so much else going on.

Sorry to be sounding so gloomy when you wanted cheering up! I do really feel for you because there is so much for you to deal with.