to half wish this pregnancy isn't successful?

[hells1908]

Flame me.

Right, long winded rant alert.

I had my DS when I was 19 and at university so far from perfect but we pulled through, and he's about to go off to university himself. We've been through our trials and tribulations - his Dad, who was the college heartthrob, revealed himself to be a violent, alcoholic depressive. I bore the brunt of it, sometimes my DS. DS has Aspergers, which has brought us lows and many more highs. It's not been the most ideal of childhoods, and I have spent most of it as a lone parent, but managed to run various ad agencies in between, DS rocks, bless him, because I wouldn't have wished some of the things he's gone through on anyone, least of all my own flesh and blood.

Anyhows. New DP, have been together 18 months, and I am 5 months with twins. We've been through our own woods too. But now the very successful MD of a global company (sue me, it was sexy that he was powerful) is out of work, is trying very hard, but it's been 6 months and still nothing doing, I am the size of a small elephant because of the twins, knackered, and in a huge amount of pain (scans keep showing up OK and they keep saying it's just ligaments but it's crippling), but am working full time as a freelancer because each week is one month's rent on the new house we need to rent because this one is too small/run down (had bought it before I met DP as a romantic project to do after DS left home, tiny cottage, but fab location, I had a Beeny moment!)...oh, and I don't know whether it's that I'm taking out my ire at my lot on him, or hormones, or just...but simply don't find him sexy anymore and we haven't done the deed since August, and (yes, because he'll be picking up on that) most nights I go to bed and he drinks 3 bottles of wine (I'm not exagerating) and falls asleep on the sofa.

Unless he's been out at networking events - and it's absolutely right he shuold do that to help with the job search - but then he'll come in at 2am and breathe fumes over me and wake me up. I was actually sick the last time I did it; second trimester hasn't brought any respite!

So...ramble ramble. It's just the first time around with DS, when we lived in a damp basement and frogs got into his nursery, and I was at Oxford bloomin university and got a first despite everything, I made all sorts of Scarlett O'Hara promises to myself that next time, if there was one, it would be oh so different.

Yet I am stuck with an unemployed partner, in a rundown house, at work when I shouldn't be (I know that sounds lame, I know everyone gets pregnant and works, but even the hospital has been raising eyebrows), with DP drinking himself silly each night...and the final straw was tonight he's suggested packing DS off for New Year to his Dad's so we can have a babymoon which is a LOVELY idea, but last New Year his alcho Dad beat him up on NY and we had to drive to Oxford to rescue him and there is absolutely no way on earth I am letting that happen again. Ever.

AIBU? Spoilt? The twins were completely unplanned. But I am resenting every minute that I am not enjoying being pregnant. And, yes, I do have Bad Thoughts about how maybe it wasn't meant to be.

I just don't know how to begin to even broach this with him without it completely knocking his self esteem which would be so counter productive. But I get emails from the Pampers bloomin baby club saying 'you may feel like painting your nursery now, don't climb a ladder!' and it's like, what nursery? How did I get to this point?

Argh.

Many people secretly wish for preganancies to go wrong. Even with planned and wanted children. You can feel physically very ill, emotionally drained and have all sorts of founded or unfounded worries. These secret wishes are very common, although many people forget they had them, or pretend they didn't. It is nothing to be ashamed of, just be careful who you say it to, because for some people it is a genuinly upsetting thing to hear.

My baby died aged 1 month. Put yourself in my shoes then post see if you could post what you did.

OP, fwiw, I don't think you should apologise for how you feel about your twins. Nobody else is standing in your shoes and nobody has the right to cast judgment on your feelings. Your thread title says it like it is for you. If people are upset by it they need not read any further.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. You sound like a strong, intelligent, caring woman, with your feet firmly on the ground. Have a heart to heart with your DP and try and support and love each other through this temporary difficult and testing time for you both.

sad10, put yourself in OP's shoes and see how you would feel then.

sad10 I am sorry, it must be hell - but it's your hell, and I am experiencing a different one. The logical extension of what some of you have posted is that we should never complain at all. 'My DH is hitting me'...'well, my DH was murdered last month so shut up because at least you have one'.

crabapple (my favourite jelly that Granny used to make, gosh she would have been a help at the moment!!) quite. Which is why I am not talking about it in RL. But there's not a way of filtering threads here, would that there were!

The OP is not the first person to feel deep dark thoughts in pregnancy and won't be the last. Perhaps a little insensitive to others to express them in the thread title though. Still, if you read the whole thread, the Op feels very alone with a twin pregnancy on the way and an older son with SN, and is coping pretty much alone (as partner drinking). That's difficult by anyone's standards and I think you should be able to come onto MN for a vent about this.

So lunch is shelved because DP is running 2 hours late, tum te tum!!!

Worse things have happened at sea though.

Practical question - if I went to GP/midwife, talked about how painful it is at the moment PLUS being a tad down...I freelance through my own company so can't exactly give myself sickness pay, but are then any DSS benefits before maternity allowance kicks in (which is 11 weeks before EDD)?

Hells, I can understand your frustration with being in the same spot you were 18 years ago, despite having worked so hard. Like you, I graduated from a top university, worked in a top firm, and earned a great salary.

But yet I find myself in the middle of nowhere, in a crummy place and in some ways, having to start again. My colleagues have become partners and earning big bucks, living comfortable, settled lives. Sometimes I wonder whether sticking it through with my DH, moving with him and putting my own career and life on hold is worth it. If he lost his job, I think would find it hard not to be angry with him, even though I love him a lot.

So, I think it is natural and ok to mourn about what could have been. If you work hard, and have talents, it is hard to accept that you haven't achieved or 'lived your dream'. Others telling you that you should count your blessings doesn't really help.

For me, building a strong relationship with DP has been key. I haven't quite forgiven him yet for what I have had to give up for him. But I do know that we have to work together as a team, and that if I am not strong and supportive, he will fail and our lives will be worse off.

So, this is all a long-winded way of saying YANBU. Think of your family unit as a business partnership and what each one has to do for the unit to succeed. Once you have the twins, who will be in a position to earn? If it is you, then both you and DH have to focus on making sure you have all the support you need. If it is DH, then you have to put your feelings aside and focus on making him strong, brushing up his resume, practicing interviews with him, actively searching for jobs for him. Otherwise you both will dissipate the little energy you have, and drift along incoherently.

Wishing you all the very best. And for what's it worth, we are ttc, so I am sooo envious of your twin babies

flatbread I love you, thank you! And best of British.

Sorry to keep coming back to this, but the big problem here is the alcohol.

Everything else - the SN older son, the unemployment, the difficult pregnancy - is challenging but ultimately manageable. (This is not to underplay any of those problems - they're a plateful in anybody's book.) But the overuse of alcohol is going to cause enormous difficulties. Someone drinking that much is not going to be in a position to look after newborn babies - in fact, they're probably not even safe to be anywhere near them.

Neither are they going to be employable. Perhaps the reason nothing is coming of these networking evenings is because nobody wants to employ a drunk? Even if DP is able to get a job, is he going to be able to keep it if he's drinking that much?

I just think the first thing to do is to see if DP is willing to stop his drinking. If he's able to do that, then you can make a start on tackling the other problems.

The big problem here is lack of judgement and failure to plan a family which I find incredible in a person who claims to be clever enough to have achieved a First from Oxbridge and to have operated at the top of a career.

I think you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, decide if the relationship with DP is salvageable, and move on as best you can for the sake of your children both born and unborn. I wouldn't like to be in your position but I find it unfathomable that you are in it.

At different points in my life, I have
a) lived with alcoholics/people with some level of alcohol dependency/people who said they didn't have alcohol problems, but "just liked a drink", and were thus drunk a lot;
b) had infant twins.

A and B are not compatible! I cannot imagine coping with twins, and a drunk, whether that drunkenness resulted in violence, maudlin self-pity, or simply uselessness on the settee.

marriedinwhite have soaked up everyone else's comments but yours are just BTP - perfectly capable of planning a family, thank you, which is why DS is almost 18 with no siblings...was on the pill, DP and I were trekking in the Amazon, probably had dodgy tummy, not absorbed properly, was taking pill back to back as travelling so only found out when I was 13 weeks...

Fathomed it yet? Or should I have aborted?

I am in the situation I am in, so looking for advice on how to handle that, not on how to have avoided getting into it in the first place.

Financially, it sounds like you might be better off if DP becomes a SAHD and you go back to work as soon as you can after the birth. If you can make a month's rent in one week, you must be doing all right. It might not be ideal for DP but if by then he has been looking for work for a year with no luck, I think he should suck it up and be a SAHD for a little while at least.

Also, there is no way that drinking that much is not affecting his job search. Even if he is only drinking in the evening, there is no way he's bounding out of bed at 8 am eager to look for something. Alcohol also saps your energy and enthusiasm, perhaps that's why he didn't pursue the teaching idea.

I think it's entirely understandable that you are struggling, but I think you need to face the fact that you would be struggling a lot less if DP got his act together, and reserve your ill feelings for him.

Frankly you shouldn't have been trekking in the Amazon with a relatively new bloke when you have a 17 year old with Aspergers. If you have been operating at the top of your game career wise for the last 18 years you should have more than a property project in an inadequate home and 79p in the bank to show for it. I'm sorry but I find your attitude to all of your children despicable. Perhaps that's because one of mine, planned and desperately wanted, died in my arms after his birth at 27 weeks. Be very careful what you wish for.

Were you clutching your pearls as you said the bit about trekking in the Amazon marriedinwhite? People do, do these things you know

I don't think the OP's feelings can be dismissed but agree that her perspective would be changed had she experienced the awful loss you did (and others)

I suggest you hide the thread because it can only distress you

Toothbrush thief oddly I am wearing my pearls today. No, I didn't clutch them and yes I do know people take exotic holidays. Our dc are now almost 17 and 13. We have had a weekend break away from them occasionally. I would not leave a teenager for several weeks to go trekking in the Amazon or at all; I would especially not leave a child with a disability whilst I went away with a new man. I may be wrong and perhaps the OP took her son on the holiday with her.

YABU, you know you are. If your pregnancy was not, god forbid, successful it would be the worst possible thing that could happen to you and i sincerely hope you now go on to have two healthy babies. It will be hard of course but you're a capable woman, you'll be absolutely fine. Pull yourself together. It's just hormones.

OP I think both you and your DH need to speak to a GP. I think you sound very down and the dark thoughts you are having seem to be distressing you. It is likely the situation you find yourself in has caused these feelings but you need a proper assessment to see what support you can get with your mood.

In your DP's case there is no way the amount of alcohol he is drinking is healthy, he is in danger of making himself very ill.. Going to his GP would be the first step. Job hunting is soul destroying, I can understand how it would get anyone down.

Job hunting with a partner who doesn't find him sexy any more because he isn't the high flier he once was just adds extra pressure to an already horrible situation.

OP I Think you are one of those people who come up out of a sewer clutching a gold watch.

I don't mean that disrespectfully but you sound tough and capable and quite fearless actually I envy you I would be in a blind panic in your situation I can't lie.
You have come through a difficult situation with a first from Oxford that is a massive thing considering what you went through I think you will be fine.

May I ask what family support you have?

hells1908 -have you thought about adoption ? I do mean after you have exhausted every other option. Not fashionable but can be very successful for every one concerned.

I agree with married-op has contradicted herself. She said pregnancy was planned now she says it was the result of contraceptive failure. Either way she has chosen to have children with a man she knew for barely a year-when she fell pregnant that is.

Sorry op but really expect sympathy when you blythly throw in that you can still still afford a trip to the amazon when your dp lost his job?

I think there have been many kind posts on here for the OP, who I think started a thread with a deliberately shocking statement which has probably upset a number of Mnetters.

I think that there is a certain expectation from the OP that she deserves better than anyone else. And to say that you no longer fancy your DP because he is jobless (or something shallow like that) makes you sound awful. If you were to say, I don't fancy him because he is a drunk I could understand.

Christ there are some unpleasant people around on MN at the moment.

Do any of you ever, ever think really carefully about what it would be like to be in someone else's situation? Because it doesn't seem like it from the holier-than-thou stick-up-the-arse responses here.

If you can't be helpful to an OP and give sensitive, considered advice, why post?