AIBU to think that losing a cat is NOT the same as losing a husband?

[MummyDoIt]

Just had a conversation with a friend whose cat has been put down. Now, I'm a pet owner and have lost pets in the past so I'm well aware of how much they become part of the family and how you grieve for them when they die.

However, I was rendered speechless when friend said to me 'you know just how I'm feeling because it's the same as when your husband died.' Er no. No pet, no matter how well-loved, can possibly compare to a husband and father to your children. I know how I felt when my last cat died and I know how I felt when DH died and it was certainly NOT the same!

Mummy - you certainly cannot cut her out of your life for that one crass remark but if she brings it up again can you be very courageous and challenge her on it? I know you wouldn't try and top trump her in the grief stakes, but could you say "actually dear friend I am truly sorry that you are grieving for your cat but it upsets me when you say it is similar to my loss of MrMummy"? cos then you will both know where you stand and you might just possibly prevent her from saying something equally insensitive to other bereaved friends.

Complex - I have responded to your post personally as I'm sure that you did not mean your post to be insulting.

OP YANBU at all.
However, I am someone who tends to suffer from foot in mouth disease! I seem to panic in situations where I don't know what to say, and just blurt out some crappy kind-of-related experience in a feeble attempt to show I am trying to understand. I hope you are able to give your friend another chance, if this is just a blip in an otherwise good friendship. Sorry for your loss x

It was an insensitive thing to say but may have been a clumsy way to try to express genuine sympathy. Something similar happened to a friend of mine some years ago although in her case she received a sympathy letter from someone which she said was the warmest letter she got at that awful time and it was actually quite comforting. The letter just ended, "I do have some idea of what you're going through because of how I felt when I lost X last year." Only later did friend realise X was a cat. After she got over the shock of the comparison being made in that way, she decided just to concentrate on how the letter helped her before she knew about X's identity. And the woman who lost X was a single unemployed pretty isolated middle aged woman so X filled many roles for her, I guess.

Right - next question. Friend in question has rung and left a message on the answerphone, asking me to ring her for a chat. Do I ring her back or not?

I probably would reply (benefit of doubt) but leave it a day or so to see what your instinct tells you, and if you do see her think afterwards if its just more of the same or whether she helps you or not.

I would give her a chance.

Its the only way you are going to know if that remark was insensitive but kindly meant or indicitive of a more selfish nature.

Maybe she has thought about it and wants a chance to redeem herself?

I think sometimes people just don't think before engaging mouth.I am on a site with fellow widows and a few have posted some shockingly insensitive things people have said to them,though if these people had stopped to think probably wouldn't have.My personal bugbear was someone saying to me the other day "Well its been over a year do you think you will start dating soon?" like there is a time limit on adjusting to loss.I dunno.Maybe she has realised the crassness of her comment and is ringing to apologise.If she is a good friend I would probably give her the benefit of the doubt and a second chance but it depends on the level of your friendship and if you can broach the subject and how it upset you.Big unmumsnet hug xx

MummyDoIt - I would call her. She may want to apologise? Give her another chance, some people just suffer from foot in mouth. However, one more strike and she'd be out!

People still ask me if my mums dating yet nearly 17 years after my dad died, she isn't and I don't think she ever will

Lying - I really have no idea what you are on about. I posted a couple of comments to a poster that was hounding Zuckie asking them why they felt the need to live up to their name and another one calling them a muppet - both posts for being unpleasant to Zuckie.

You are the only one to have, as you call it, 'picked me up on it'. They were both such 'non comments' that no one else even noticed them. They were deleted because apparently, all of a sudden it's 'a personal attack' to ask someone why they are being so nasty & to call them a muppet.

^As far as the other thread goes, I went back to post to you because I hate seeing anybody upset but actually, I don't care having seen you here. You don't care about blurting your opinion letting shit hit whomever because you have the right to do that, yes? Works every which way not just the way that suits you. I didn't say I was sorry for what I said (I'm not), but I was sorry that you were upset.

Nobody has the monopoly on not liking somebody's opinion. Who the hell has the right to say that anybody's way of grieving is wrong? One might not agree with it, fine. Doesn't change a thing^

Honestly - what are you on about ?? I called her a muppet for being nasty to Zuckie - where did all this shit come from??

Mav - A year and they want to know when you will be dating again? You really have to wonder don't you :(

Everlong - your sister blimey. Probably just as well she said it on the phone and not to your face. I'm sure she meant well, but blimey...

Moomin - you'd think by now they'd work out it's not likely to happen wouldn't you. Your poor Mum, it's not fair to have been without your Dad for such a huge part of her life (nor for you :( ).

I know, he died when I was 16 and my sister was 12 and I suppose at that age I was pretty self centred. It didn't cross my mind till years later that she lost her husband at 36 and that she would probably be on her own for the rest of her life.

Mum has never been interested in dating and says she's happy as she us but I sometimes worry if she's lonely

Moomin I am sure your mum threw her energies into looking after you and your sister,its certainly what I am doing with my kiddies.I have a lovely circle of friends and hopefully your mum does too,Im a short way in on this journey and really can't see myself with anyone else tho i am relatively young (39) I have 2 lovely kids,a job I enjoy (mostly) and lovely friends and family.I guess I do get lonely now and then for the past but I think bereavement forces you to really evaluate your life and try to see the positives of what you've got in the here and now,and appreciate life is short and to be enjoyed.Maybe that sounds a bit crass I dunno,but its how I try to look at it,you have to be positive else you would sink,not swim xxxxNot always easy but for me my children are the main priority and what keeps me going xxx big hug to you and your mum xx

I've just come back on here to apologise to Mummydoit for posting on her thread without making any reference to either her OP or her loss.

I am truly sorry. I meant to type another post but got sidetracked by a sickly newborn. I do hope your friend simply wasn't thinking rather than this be her genuine feelings.

The thread was not about how Zukiecat feels about her pets and whilst I cannot empathise with her 'statement of equality' at all, we have no idea what drives people to feel the way they do, however off the scale it seems to the majority.

My mother was killed by a drunk driver days before I delivered DD2. DD2 is now almost 5yrs and I am still bitter and angry yet I believe that ridiculous as it sounds, one of the things that gets me through is telling myself, 'at least it wasn't one of my kids.' So the cat comment probably hit too many nerves.

Moomin - I know what you mean. My Mum went through something really really awful when I was 16 and she was in her 30's. She's your Mum, she's an adult - you feel sad for her, but you don't really see the full impact. It was only when I got to the age my Mum was then that I realised that actually - she wasn't 'old & OK' she was still actually quite young, didn't have a lot of support and was probably shit scared whist pretending to be OK - for us :( It's really sad that your Mum has lived the rest of her life on her own, but I guess your Dad was the love of her life and she still feels 'with him'. It must be lonely for her, no matter how much she sees you or how many friends she has - but sadly there is nothing you can do to change that for her is there? You can fill the gap a bit, but it will always be there :(

Mav - I think you have come such a long way, in such a short time. It doesn't sound at all crass - it sounds really 'balanced' and like you are in quite a 'good place' all considered. You really are an inspiration - your kids are very lucky to have you x

mavend I don't think it sounds crass at all I think your right. My mum has a job she loves and friends that she has worked with for alot of years. My grandparents moved closer to us after my dad died and she spends slot of time with them. They go all over the world on holidays.

Me and my sister have 4 children between us and both my mum and grandparents are very involved in their lives and she says this is enough for her .

Hugs to you and your children too xx

LovingTheCoast - I'm not surprised you are still bitter and angry :( It's not fair is it? Not fair at all...

Hi there
WE're going to move this thread of AIBU Now.
Thx
M Towers

chipping I think your right I probably thought she was an adult and I don't know, some how that she would be ok because she was old
( it seems realy selfish of me looking back now )

In fact she was only a few years older than I am now. Not only that but I had ds1 6 weeks before my dad died so she was also my support as a new teenage mum.

Moomin - I think we were both 'something' - I don't think 'selfish' is really right. I think you just don't know any better at that age. I think it's actually a sign of having good parents, you feel safe, secure and you don't even question your parents ability to deal with stuff/life. Does that make sense?

Oh my - a six week old baby at 16 and your Dad dying - that's a lot for you to have coped with :(

I suppose the only good thing is that it gave your Mum something else to focus on :/

Had your Dad been ill or was it sudden?

everlong I am so sorry. My best friend's son committed suicide, and I have never seen such pain. I remember that she told me that the memory of her son and her grief was such a central part of her, sometimes the grief moves over a bit, but it is never forgotten. I cannot imagine why your sister would say such crazy things 3 weeks after his death. I am so sorry, I cannot imagine how you feel about losing your son.

It was sudden, he had a brain haemorrhage just after he got up for work one morning. His car had gone in for it's mot and the person who was picking him up was running late so he was still at home. I hate to think what might have happened it had been any other day as he would have been driving at the time.

everlong I'm so sorry , loosing a child is the most awful pain what was your sister thinking,.

I do think some people just arnt very good in those sorts of situations. We lost a baby 5 weeks ago when I was 20 weeks pregnant and when my neighbour found out a few days ago she gave me the these things happen for a reason speech. I should probably have asked her what she thought that reason was but tbh I just wanted to get away

Oh Moomins - so :( to hear about your recent loss. x I suppose your neighbour was doing the standard "I don't really know what to say but this might help" thing - but sometimes saying nothing is so much better than trying to fill the gap. :(

And awful about your Dad. My DH's dad died when DH wasn't quite 18 - he'd been ill for years so not much of a surprise - and his mum never dated again. Some people just don't need or want to.

Everlong - sorry about your DS too - how awful. :(