AIBU to think that losing a cat is NOT the same as losing a husband?

[MummyDoIt]

Just had a conversation with a friend whose cat has been put down. Now, I'm a pet owner and have lost pets in the past so I'm well aware of how much they become part of the family and how you grieve for them when they die.

However, I was rendered speechless when friend said to me 'you know just how I'm feeling because it's the same as when your husband died.' Er no. No pet, no matter how well-loved, can possibly compare to a husband and father to your children. I know how I felt when my last cat died and I know how I felt when DH died and it was certainly NOT the same!

4madboys - I was assuming pictish had no issues as someone who did couldn't be that mean. I was making assumptions but mine didn't hurt anyone.

Nooo, I didn't call anyone a bully, as I said in my post that I don't want to hurl that accusation around willy nilly. Also, of course pictish you can't be expected to know people's back stories, we are strangers essentially, I certainly don't know everyone on here and have probably put my foot in it with countless posters inadvertently.

I just think when someone says within the thread that they are in a bad way, it's probably best for people to back off a bit.

I am sorry to rant - half the time I don't notice what the hell is going on, but I just felt sorry for zukie as I saw some other posters being a bit brutal to her on another thread a couple of weeks back.

Depends on the husband. Most people wouldn't say this I wouldn't but my sister would and has said similar.

Fair dos - but believe me, I did not see that thread.

Also...it is a very common tactic in rl AND on these forums, for people to resort to guilt tripping tactics when someone says something they do not like...it's a defense mechanism....one which I don't respond well to, as I find it very manipulative and unfair.

NoddyHolder - very true. I haven't seen MerryWidow posting in a while - is she still around?

I think Pictish is getting a hard time on here. If someone posts something so outlandish as to be alien to the vast majority of people then it's perfectly reasonable to show little empathy or sympathy.

Zukiecat may well have emotional issues but pictish and every other poster can only judge her on the comment she made. Zuckiecat must know that her terrible past experiences for which I do have sympathy have warped her judgement somehow and are so bizarre and rare that from a logical POV they make no real sense.

There was a thread years ago about the article in which a woman had seaid she loved her husband as much as she loved her kids. Someone on the thread said they felt the same way and they were hounded as a nutter.

But this thread was about MummyDoIt
Someone who has lost her husband.

Now its about somebody else's cats.

"I've lost a foetus and a father and an adored grandmother who brought me up but I still felt the pain of losing my 17 year old cat more."

...Words fail me.

ChippingIn... Your posts have been deleted, yes, I can't really remember what you wrote now but others picked you up on it as well. You have the right to say what you want, so does everybody else.

As far as the other thread goes, I went back to post to you because I hate seeing anybody upset but actually, I don't care having seen you here. You don't care about blurting your opinion letting shit hit whomever because you have the right to do that, yes? Works every which way not just the way that suits you. I didn't say I was sorry for what I said (I'm not), but I was sorry that you were upset.

Nobody has the monopoly on not liking somebody's opinion. Who the hell has the right to say that anybody's way of grieving is wrong? One might not agree with it, fine. Doesn't change a thing.

Zukie - I have not, to date, ever noticed a post by you before...and that's not a slight....this is a big site and I'm still a relative newbie. I don't know who any of you are.

loveinthecoast... This thread wasn't benign looking at the OP, was it? It was designed to elicit outraged/speechless comments... and it did. It also beckoned posters who don't feel the same way as the OP, is that not allowed? A genuine difference of opinion?

This thread, if the OP were genuinely distressed, would surely have been better off in bereavement board but no, it's here on AIBU. The home of differences of opinion... and then when they come, all hell breaks loose and personal attacks are de rigeur.

Does it matter, Pictish whether you've seen zukiecat before? Would that have made a difference? I particularly thought your "parting shot" post made your point of how you felt. Why backtrack now?

Oh lord! This thread was supposed to be a five-minute vent to express a bit of annoyance over a crass remark made by a friend and it seems to have turned very, very nasty.

The point wasn't whether my friend was wrong or right to feel as devastated about the loss of her cat as I do about the loss of my DH. She feels what she feels, as do I. The point was that you should NEVER compare griefs, particularly not human vs animal as the vast majority of people rate human relationships higher than animal ones.

My own philosophy when faced with a bereaved person is to tell them I am sorry for their loss, irrespective of who or what they have lost.

To those who sent me their sympathies, thank you. I am touched. To those who have been upset by this thread, my apologies for inadvertently starting this off and I hope you're all okay.

Perhaps it's time we drew a line under this?

I'm not backtracking. I haven't changed my opinion that valuing cats as equals to children is bonkers.

Mummydoit... Never in the history of MN has 'Perhaps we should stop now' worked... it's like trying to put a genie back in a bottle.

This thread has shown me that the less one says to anybody else, the better. Never explain, never elucidate and never, ever try to empathise because the results are ugly. What a lesson to learn.

Witch - how true! Serves me right for putting this in AIBU. Asking for trouble!

Zukie thank you. Don't worry about the hijack - threads are like real-life conversations and side-track easily.

Right - next question. Friend in question has rung and left a message on the answerphone, asking me to ring her for a chat. Do I ring her back or not?

A very stupid remark from your friend Mummydoit and I'm sorry for your loss.

No way is losing a cat the same as losing a husband! Not in the slightest. It's just stupid to think so

Unplug your answerphone, cut the plug off, ditto your landline handset if you have one. Then... get a washing up bowl, fill it full of water and throw in every mobile communication device you have... that should do it!

I think if I felt as aggrieved and upset as you do, I'd put a bit of time and distance between myself and friend for now.

Mummydoit If it was me and I have been in your shoes (kind of) I would give her another chance but if she compared again then I would walk away and save myself the heartache .

I did this with my friend who compared my son dying with her boyfriend moving out ,she said it to me on two seperate occasions , I didn't give her a chance to do it a third time .

Can I ask how long ago your husband died ? Not that it should matter but for me "the stupid things people said" and believe me there were many became after a while a source of comedy . It was the only way I could cope with it I suppose .

I wouldn't ring her, nor would I consider her friend any longer.

She would be crossed off my christmas card list for sure!

Oh dear mummydoit - I would leave it for a bit if I were you.

Believe it or not...I'd let it slide and give her another chance.
However, if she was persistent, I would adopt the stance and bodyswerve.

I would give her another chance, but maybe you need a bit more time. Take care.