AIBU to think that losing a cat is NOT the same as losing a husband?

[MummyDoIt]

Just had a conversation with a friend whose cat has been put down. Now, I'm a pet owner and have lost pets in the past so I'm well aware of how much they become part of the family and how you grieve for them when they die.

However, I was rendered speechless when friend said to me 'you know just how I'm feeling because it's the same as when your husband died.' Er no. No pet, no matter how well-loved, can possibly compare to a husband and father to your children. I know how I felt when my last cat died and I know how I felt when DH died and it was certainly NOT the same!

go back and read your comment ! ChippingInAutumnLover

ChippingInAutumnLover You make no sense tbh your marked out comments mean fuck all to me and your abuse will not be tolerated. If you have no actual point to make go and play elsewhere !

And still your previous comment makes no sense to the comment above ! Are you aware of what you have previously said?

I've seen many posts from Zukie in the past.
She seems a lovely soul who has had a lot of shit in her life which her cats seem to have helped her through.
People are being very unkind here.

it isn't normal to love animals the equally as human beings.

Op sorry for your loss

There is no need to be unkind, agreed.

Or was it Pot/kettle you found offensive.

you are unpleasant

It may not be 'normal' to some of us, for other people to love their animals equally or even more than they do humans. But we are not in a position to judge since we are (mostly) not in the same situation as the OPs friend. I cannot understand how someone can love an animal more than her children/husband/father etc. but I am not a single, childless woman. And from what I have read here tonight, neither are most of the posters. So of course we are going to find it difficult to see this comment as insensitive. But to the woman who said it, her cat was probably the companion/child that we all have in the form of our husbands and children. I know a single, childless woman who has a cat. In the past she has had several. And each time one of them dies, for her it was like losing a child/ partner. er grief was genuine. Who am I to say that she is mental? She is a person who cares deeply about others but her cats are her life. When I get home from work, I have DH and DCs to talk to, to share a worry or a laugh with. To keep me company. To cheer me up if I am down. To chat to. what does she have? Her cat.

So yes, in my situation I find it difficult to comprehend, but she would find aspects of my life equally as difficult to understand. That doesn't make her wrong, just different.

So of course we are going to find it difficultnot to see this comment as insensitive.

People are being very unkind here

Unkind - oh Yes, perish the thought anyone should think a dead husband is more valuable than a dead cat.

Still, this is MN after all, I suppose, where man hating is de rigeur, but that dead cat stuff should really be on another thread IMO

I am very sorry for everyone who has lost loved ones on this thread - it must be astonishingly difficult to deal with your grief anyway, withiout feeling bowled over by other people's insensitivities.

DOgsBestfriend posted very wise words in her first post - as an absolute animal fanatic she does feel grief very keenly for dead animals, however knows that it would be enormously hurtful to others to express that, so would never be so crass to say it.

I don't understand Zukie's equating love for her cats alongside her children, however I have seen her posts in recent months and think she has had a very tough time of it, and those cats have probably given her a lot of comfort and joy. So who are we to judge anyway.

OP - YANBU, your friend was insensitive and shouldn't have attempted to equate her grief with yours. There is no equating one person's grief with another, and no you can't ever "know how someone feels" - because you are not them.

Not being able to understand or agree with someone's hierarchy of love does not give anyone the right to belittle and demean that person. It's even more insensitive than the OP's thickskinned friend.

ChippingInAutumnLover NO you are offensive and none of your comments make any sense tbh ! Where does pot/kettle come into it? Please give an example to back up your statement. As for name calling, I am older than 10 and do not have to resort to silly childish behaviour to get a point across. That actually makes you look very small and silly.

Is this still going?!

I think that if a person announces on an internet parenting forum that they value their cats as much as their kids, they are going to get a few wtfs slung their way. I think that's a given.

I am not personally responsible for the emotional wellbeing of anyone on mumsnet....this is a forum chocca full of strangers....and if you can't handle being told you're being a mentalist, then keep your eccentricities to yourself.

I get fed up with being told I am horrible/harsh/insensitive because I don't have the inclination to delve deep into every poster's personal circumstances and make a balanced judgement based on the evidence. I don't have to! I never agreed to be lovely to everyone at all times.
It's the internet...and if you can't handle criticism after making crazy arsed statements like Zukie did on here, then stay away or keep schtum.

Cats do not equal kids, and that's the bloody end of it.

Oh dear

People can be very insensitive , there was a thread on here a few weeks ago which turned into a big bun fight over which situation would be more painful, what ever someone's own feelings they should not compare them to someone who's loved one has just died

I don't know why people feel the need to compare but some just do

As for zukie I dont understand feeling the same for your cats as your kids but as you have allready said you wouldn't compare pain to someone who is grieving then that's fine. I hope you are ok

OR husbands!

Grief is grief. There's no hierarchy that I can see. Is losing a partner worse than losing a child or worse than losing a parent?

Sometimes when you don't know what to say, better to say "so sorry" and leave it at that.

and Zukiecat... nobody should be judging you at all. What you feel is personal to you and you're entitled to feel it, without having to rationalise or explain to anybody.

The judgemental attitudes are everything that's wrong with society, people trying to tell others how they should feel. Disgusting.

... and ChippingIn... I'm surprised that somebody so 'upset' on a previous thread can be so nasty on this one. Maybe I'm not, actually.

Mummydoit
I am sorry that your friend was so insensitive. Perhaps it is time to sort out your friends, and think of those who actually help you and support you. It is sad, but sometimes we have to distance ourselves from people if they are making this worse.

As to the rest of this thread, it is astonishing that a thread could be so derailed, particularly on such a sensitive topic.

I agree with Getorf, and find it hard to understand Zukie's viewpoint (and don't know the rest of her story) but I can see that she has issues to work though.

Those piling in to have a jolly bun fight should take the discussion elsewhere, out of respect for Mummydoit.