AIBU to think that losing a cat is NOT the same as losing a husband?

[MummyDoIt]

Just had a conversation with a friend whose cat has been put down. Now, I'm a pet owner and have lost pets in the past so I'm well aware of how much they become part of the family and how you grieve for them when they die.

However, I was rendered speechless when friend said to me 'you know just how I'm feeling because it's the same as when your husband died.' Er no. No pet, no matter how well-loved, can possibly compare to a husband and father to your children. I know how I felt when my last cat died and I know how I felt when DH died and it was certainly NOT the same!

My dear friend thought it hurt her more that her husband had walked out on her and the kids than if he had died

that was until he died!

So sorry to hear about your husband dying

I fully understand that grief is personal to the griever. This lady is single, never had children and has no family so her pets are very important to her and I'm sure their loss is devastating to her but it was still bloody insensitive!

That's very charitable of you but should be unnecessary!

Is she worth keeping as a friend? I'd be thinking of pencilling our next meeting in 2013 or later.

Nothing changes the fact it was insensitive.

It's not relevant whether she's single, had children or not, etc. Lots of single people without children would not make such a comment!

Unless it was actually Puss in Boots or had magical powers, the woman is berserk

Some people have zero empathy.And even less tact.Leave her to it,they are the reasons she has no close human relationships.

I'm sorry that you have lost your husband,and wish that you didn't have to deal with remarks like that on top of everything else.:(

No, it wasn't some kind of slip of the tongue. This was a whole conversation, not just one remark.

I shan't fall out with her over it but I'm not rushing to call her at the moment!

Reminds me of the day my dad died suddenly. One of my mum's friends came round to the house as soon as she heard (which considering was just a few hours later was insensitive enough) and said to my mum, "I know exactly how you're feeling, I remember when my dog died...etc etc". We all just stood there open-mouthed.

So sorry to hear about your husband. I can't understand everyone's grief and experience is different. I do know though from my own experience of loss that time will gradually ease the hurt and you'll be left with happy memories and sudden reminders of him some that will make you smile and some that may make you sad.

I am sure your friend was trying to saying the right thing but got it very wrong and would be very saddend if she realised how much she hurt you

"I had a similar but different experience on hearing the news that my lovely mum had died suddenly - the ex's mother said 'I'll be your mummy now'. Seriously, I know we all say daft things when put on the spot but fgs."

manicbmc - I read that as your ex MIL trying to give you support and offer a change in relationship as she was well aware you had lost your own mother.

It isn't within anyone's gift to fully understand the strength of another person's grief, be that over a pet or a spouse.

You probably ALL know how fanatical I am over not just my pets but ones I may only hear of through rescue, you can all guess that I grieve the loss of any of these very much but it would be HUGELY insensitive of me to compare my sadness with someone elses. A simple, "I think I know how you might be feeling" can IMHO be acceptable if referring to the loss of your Husband when another person has done the same and wishes to show understanding. Likewise if you both have lost a pet... but to say that the person KNOWS how you feel and/or to compare the loss of two completely different beings even if they DO feel within themselves that your loss is as painful as theirs is terribly thoughtless.

Mummy - I have no idea how you must be feeling lovey but I am sorry nonetheless for your loss.

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YANBU. Even if she was grieving deeply and believed it to be an equal situation, it was a very insensitive thing to say. So sorry for your loss and also that you've had to endure this woman. I think you're taking it very calmly in fact.

zukiecat,are you seriously saying you love your cat as much as your children?Really?

zukie if it were Sophie's Choice. Cat or kid? WWYD?

zukie But would you say that to a friend who had lost her husband ?

I can understand you thinking that but until you have been through both I don't think anyone can compare .

People can think what they like. They can feel what they like.

...but FFS they should really think before they open their mouths.