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Original poster

AIBU to think that losing a cat is NOT the same as losing a husband?

235 replies

MummyDoIt · 02/11/2011 19:05

Just had a conversation with a friend whose cat has been put down. Now, I'm a pet owner and have lost pets in the past so I'm well aware of how much they become part of the family and how you grieve for them when they die.

However, I was rendered speechless when friend said to me 'you know just how I'm feeling because it's the same as when your husband died.' Er no. No pet, no matter how well-loved, can possibly compare to a husband and father to your children. I know how I felt when my last cat died and I know how I felt when DH died and it was certainly NOT the same!

OP posts:
manicbmc · 02/11/2011 19:08

What a hugely insensitive thing to say to you! Yes, losing a pet is very sad but there's no comparison.

FetchezLaVache · 02/11/2011 19:08

How crassly insensitive!! Poor love.

thenightsky · 02/11/2011 19:09

How completely insensitive of your friend Shock

However, there is a good chance she went home and suddenly realised what she'd said and is full of shame right now and scared to ring you to apologise.

travellingwilbury · 02/11/2011 19:09

No it is not the same thing to you as you have lost both , but one persons worst grief is the as far as they are concerned as bad as it can get .

And I say this as someone who had to bury their son at 14 months old .

I don't know why some people feel the need to compare but that is how some people work .

I am sorry you lost your husband .

Sparklingbrook · 02/11/2011 19:09

Just Shock basically. Much as we love our pets it is not the same.

whathellcall · 02/11/2011 19:10

YANBU What a ridiculous thing for her to say! So sorry about your husband Sad.

travellingwilbury · 02/11/2011 19:10

I bet she isn't nightsky I actually had a friend compare my son dying to the pain she felt when her boyfriend moved out , she did this twice so no shame from her at all .

We are no longer friends , I didn't hang around to let her say it a third time .

MenopausalHaze · 02/11/2011 19:11

Shockingly insensitive but if she's never lost a husband she can't be expected to know can she? The best she can do is think and keep her ill-informed opinion to herself - which she didn't. YANBU but she, I'm afraid, is.

Pagwatch · 02/11/2011 19:12

People are breathtaking aren't they.

GiganticusBottomus · 02/11/2011 19:12

It was hugely insensitive but I am sure she didn't mean it, if she is really upset at the moment she probably wasn't thinking what she was saying and would never really compare losing a husband and a pet as a similar experience. Maybe she just meant, you know what grief is.

I am sorry for your loss.

LaurieFairyCake · 02/11/2011 19:12

It was very insensitive to your grief but grief is entirely personal to the griever.

I've lost a foetus and a father and an adored grandmother who brought me up but I still felt the pain of losing my 17 year old cat more.

unfitmother · 02/11/2011 19:13

Bloody hell. YANBU at all.

Original poster
MummyDoIt · 02/11/2011 19:21

I fully understand that grief is personal to the griever. This lady is single, never had children and has no family so her pets are very important to her and I'm sure their loss is devastating to her but it was still bloody insensitive!

Still, I also had divorced friends tell me that splitting up was as bad as losing a husband so I guess I should have developed a thicker skin by now.

OP posts:
kerala · 02/11/2011 19:27

I would imagine your jaw hit the floor. Just....incredible. Why do people say such things?

BleedyGhoulzombiez · 02/11/2011 19:28

What Pagwatch said. Breathtaking.

So sorry for the losses people on this thread have experienced. Sad

travellingwilbury · 02/11/2011 19:33

It is an odd human trait I think , thankfully not all people , that they try and bring their own experience to anything someone else is going through .

The better friends are the ones that just nod and smile , listen and hug you .

Henrythehappyhelicopter · 02/11/2011 19:48

I had a very similar discussion with a work collegue. He said people do not understand how terribble it was when his DDs cat died and that it was as bad as losing a person.

The cat had been run over and the DD has found it, they then buried it in the garden, the DD was distraught. She took a long while to come to terms with it. I think my collegue was shocked at the strength of his DDs emotions.

I said do you think it was the same as my DDs emotions when then buried her baby sister and he obvioulsly accepted that it was not.

I do not think people mean any offence when they say these things, they are just trying to express the fact that feel real love and real grief for their animals.

OhDoAdmit · 02/11/2011 19:52

Speak to any group of bereaved parents and a few would tell you that these things have been said to them.

It is very sad to lose an animal. It is NOT the same or as bad as losing a human being for lots of reasons.

I love my animals but I would kill them with my own hands if it meant I could have my DD back.

I wouldnt kill any of my children to get my lovely old dog back.

YANBU

Towndon · 02/11/2011 20:00

YANBU. Perhaps she had just realised she was complaining about the cat, which couldn't be compared to your loss, and was trying to backtrack, but it came out all wrong and insensitively.

Xmasbaby11 · 02/11/2011 20:03

Well, I agree you can't compare, but she can't have meant it as it sounded. She's grieving so you have to make allowances. I'm sure she's had her share of insensitive comments, eg So are you getting another one? before it's been buried, etc.

NoobyNoob · 02/11/2011 20:05

What the actual fuck?

YAsooooooNBU. Massively insensitive and damn right disgusting comment.

manicbmc · 02/11/2011 20:06

I had a similar but different experience on hearing the news that my lovely mum had died suddenly - the ex's mother said 'I'll be your mummy now'. Seriously, I know we all say daft things when put on the spot but fgs.

People are weird. Hmm

OhDoAdmit · 02/11/2011 20:07

To the people who think its was a bit of a slip of the tongue - it might have been but honestly, people say stuff like this. It is far more common than you could imagine.

topknob · 02/11/2011 20:09

Oh come on, it's a cat. We lost our 15 yr old cat on New Years Day and yes it was very sad, BUT it didn't interfer with out plans or anything, we didn't need time off work...she was a lovely cat, the kids were very upset but it does not in anyway compare to losing a husband or child. You are not being unreasonable at all and I am sorry you lost your husband xx

troisgarcons · 02/11/2011 20:11

This lady is single, never had children and has no family so her pets are very important to her and I'm sure their loss is devastating to her but it was still bloody insensitive!

Insensitive maybe - but as a singleton, her life would have revolved round her love for her pets. (I know many a batty cat woman who uses cats as child subsitutes.)

No one is able to discern whos loss is greater. I've seen posters here denigrate their parents and occassionally look to the time they are dead. The loss of my father is the biggest tragedy in my life. So the loss of my father wont be the same as someone eles with a different up bringing.

Im very sorry for your loss.