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Caught redhanded being spoken about. What would you have done?

200 replies

tooshyshy · 03/10/2005 14:06

As this is a sentsitive matter I have changed my name although it would hardly take Miss Marple to figure out who I am.

Ok, this is going to be a little long winded but here goes.

A little while back Dh and I were really lucky to come into quite a bit of money, enough to sort out our debts buy a decent house outright and a couple of cars with enough money for a rainy day. We considered DH giving up his job but he decided against it and is pretty happy now he?s cut his hours down.

Don?t get me wrong, I am not trying to brag or be showy but it sets the scene for what happened last weekend which has really shaken me.

A few months ago we were asked to be (first time)god parents to our friend?s daughter, we were thrilled about it and that ceremony happened in August, for the sake of clarity I?ll call our god-daughterher Emily.

Last weekend we were invited out to Sunday lunch by those friends and their family who we are also starting to know quite well and there was one other family who we?d never met and were introduced to. We had a lovely time and towards the end of the meal Emily?s Uncle asked us if we?d like to be their son (Declan?s) god parents too, naturally we said yes, we were really delighted and we all had a little laugh about us being the role model god parents etc .

Anyway, I hope I am explaining this story properly. I went to the loo in the restaurant and whilst there I was shocked by what I heard, well no shocked isn?t the right word, gutted I think would be more appropriate.

Emily?s aunt was telling someone else, I wasn?t sure who that she had asked us to be god parents and we?d agreed which was fab as it would mean we?d get her son (Declan) huge gifts for life and he?d be ?sorted? for Christmases and birthdays, she also said she didn?t really like either my Dh or myself much but that wouldn?t bother her much as we?d come up with the goodies like we had done with Emily.

I just sat there in the cubicle trying not to breathe, hoping they wouldn?t hear me , then fantasizing about coming out and facing them, unfortunately I just didn?t have the bottle to do the latter (wish now in hindsight that I had) I was just way too embarrassed.

It?s left me feeling betrayed and used. I am now even wondering how genuine our relationship ever was with Emily?s mum and dad. I?m really confused and even questioning even really old friendships. Their motives, are they interested in me or do they see us as cash cows that they can milk when they need.

Sorry to ramble on but I haven?t managed to tell Dh yet as I know he would of blown his top if he?d heard about this. Look I know it's hardly like anyone's died or anything and I understand there will probably be some who will think this matter totally trivial but how on earth do I handle this situation? I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me right now.

OP posts:
meggymoo · 03/10/2005 14:11

Message withdrawn

WigWamBam · 03/10/2005 14:11

I think that the only thing to do is to tell Declan's parents that you heard what they said, that you are very hurt to be used in this way, and that given the circumstances you think it would be better for them to find another set of godparents. If you don't think you'll be able to keep calm telling them, then send them a letter.

cod · 03/10/2005 14:11

Message withdrawn

auntymandy · 03/10/2005 14:12

I would confront them.
Refuse to be godparents to Declan and from now on send token gifts only to Emily

Katemum · 03/10/2005 14:13

But this wasn't to do with Emily though was it, why should she loose out because of her awful aunt. The aunt needs speaking to.

meggymoo · 03/10/2005 14:13

Message withdrawn

Lizzylou · 03/10/2005 14:14

I agree with MM, TSS, you have to say something to your DH. A Godparent's role is nothing to do with their wealth!
They sound very shallow, no wonder you were upset.

GhoulsToo · 03/10/2005 14:14

I'm with wiggy - perfect!

what horrible people

ThomBat · 03/10/2005 14:14

That's just so awful, oh my God, I'm so sorry. how disgusting. Ph I wish you'd come out of the loowhile they were still talking, oh God Iw ish you had but at the same time I don't balme you for being too paralysed to move. I don't know what to say, except I really, really think you should ring her and say that you're really sorry but you feel the responsibility of being a godparent to another child is too much? I really don't think you should go ahead with it, you'll just havea bad tast in your mouth for ever about it and question everything and never feel comfortable about being his godmother anyway, it';s not fair on you or their son. I really am so sorry you had to overhear such a horrific conversation. What an awful, horrendous women.

CountessDracula · 03/10/2005 14:15

I would write to them and point out that you heard the convo and decline to be godparents

What a bitchc

edam · 03/10/2005 14:15

This must have been terribly shocking and upsetting. Do you think, though, that she could have been joking/exaggerating? Just a faint hop[e

I think it is likely that Emily's aunt's appalling behaviour doesn't reflect Emily's parents' attitude to you; don't jump to the conclusion that they only value you for your money too! You can't choose your SIL or sister (whatever relation she is) and some of them we definitely WOULD NOT choose.

But if it's the sort of thing that would gnaw away at you (it would me) then you might have to confront it head on and tell this woman you overheard her and you are not going to be godparent to her son.

expatinscotland · 03/10/2005 14:16

OMG! That is truly shocking.

I'd have been too stunned to do anything about it.

How awful for you!

hunkerpumpkin · 03/10/2005 14:17

You can't be Declan's godparents, that much is obvious. But you need to make it very clear the reason why, and not just to his parents - Emily's parents need to know what was said too. It's Declan's parents who are at fault here, but they sound nasty enough to try to paint you as the bastards.

Poor you - what a horrible, horrible situation. I like to think I'd have confronted Declan's mum, but I know I'd have probably done what you did. You need to tell your DH though.

on your behalf - this isn't what being godparents is about.

Twiglett · 03/10/2005 14:17

send them a letter telling them you overheard and having had an opportunity to think about it feel it would be completely the wrong to do. Back out gracefully head held high .. leave her feeling like the selfish, money-grubbing cow she is

mention to friends in passing that you have had to decline being Declan's godparent too but do not wish to discuss why

how horrible for you

some people make me want to hurl

fqueenzebra · 03/10/2005 14:19

I thought godparents was more about being willing to look after the child in case of the natural parents dying and no one else being able to help out, def. not supposed to be a cash cow.

Oh how I wish you had walked out of the cubicle, said nothing but given them a shocked/icy stare, and walked away in silence.

tooshyshy · 03/10/2005 14:22

I really don't think that Emily's Mum and dad are like them at all, they knew us when we were all broke.

I know there were a few of them in the loo which is what makes me so uneasy about the whole thing. I really don't think it sounded jovial at all. In fact I would go as far as to say Declan's mum sounded, triumphant it's not just what she said but the laughs she got after wards and the strains of "oooh , ahh and yeh". Which keep running through my mind.

OP posts:
Heathcliffscathy · 03/10/2005 14:22

as cd said i'd definitely write and decline explaining why.

how totally horrible for you, to put it in some perspective on it, you're a nice person with a lovely family: declan's parents have a totally warped attitude to life, poor little boy.

hunkerpumpkin · 03/10/2005 14:23

You poor thing. I would love to tell them off on your behalf, but that's just because this kind of behaviour makes me see the red mist...

Can you speak to Emily's mum first?

Marina · 03/10/2005 14:23

Oh tss, how horrible of them and how mean to ask you at the end of a convivial lunch when they presumably thought you would not stop to question their motives.
It's rather tough on baby Declan but I think you have to do what others have suggested and either write to or face his parents and tell them what you heard. And obviously turn down their invitation. If you can summon the courage I would emphasise that you don't feel you could be an effective Christian role model to their son because you felt your relationship with him was based on a false premise.
Can I just be clear - baby Declan is your goddaughter's cousin because his mum is Emily's mum or dad's sister? So the woman speaking so unpleasantly about you in the loos was Declan's mother?
I would like to think that Declan's parents will be so humiliated over this that they will keep the whole sorry saga to themselves, sh*t a few bricks about what you might pass on to Emily's parents, and not try to cause trouble between you and them.
I really am and for you. We are proud godparents to the sons of two lots of dear friends and the relationship means so much to us. I'd be utterly distraught if I thought we had been chosen purely for material advantage. Although that is not a risk in our case.

tooshyshy · 03/10/2005 14:23

and yes I know, to all of you saying I wish you'd walked out of the loo. WHY THE HELL DIDN'T I?

God it's crap being too nice isn't it.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 03/10/2005 14:24

Agree with twiglett they should feel terrible about their obvious greed and nastiness Let them know that you were so happy to be asked only to hear this So sorry for you people are dreadful at times xx

vickitrickortreatmum · 03/10/2005 14:25
Shock
edam · 03/10/2005 14:28

Not surprised you stayed in the loo - probably too shocked to move.

tooshyshy · 03/10/2005 14:30

I was thinking about just telling Emily's Mum and dad and asking them to pass on our rejection of her offer and the reason why. I am worried that I can't substantiate what I heard though, it would be my word against them (2,3,or 4). I love our friends dearly but worry that when it comes to family they may side with them.

OP posts:
tooshyshy · 03/10/2005 14:31

yes Edam I was shocked and my legs were wobbling so much it felt like I was going to fall over.

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