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Original poster

Caught redhanded being spoken about. What would you have done?

200 replies

tooshyshy · 03/10/2005 14:06

As this is a sentsitive matter I have changed my name although it would hardly take Miss Marple to figure out who I am.

Ok, this is going to be a little long winded but here goes.

A little while back Dh and I were really lucky to come into quite a bit of money, enough to sort out our debts buy a decent house outright and a couple of cars with enough money for a rainy day. We considered DH giving up his job but he decided against it and is pretty happy now he?s cut his hours down.

Don?t get me wrong, I am not trying to brag or be showy but it sets the scene for what happened last weekend which has really shaken me.

A few months ago we were asked to be (first time)god parents to our friend?s daughter, we were thrilled about it and that ceremony happened in August, for the sake of clarity I?ll call our god-daughterher Emily.

Last weekend we were invited out to Sunday lunch by those friends and their family who we are also starting to know quite well and there was one other family who we?d never met and were introduced to. We had a lovely time and towards the end of the meal Emily?s Uncle asked us if we?d like to be their son (Declan?s) god parents too, naturally we said yes, we were really delighted and we all had a little laugh about us being the role model god parents etc .

Anyway, I hope I am explaining this story properly. I went to the loo in the restaurant and whilst there I was shocked by what I heard, well no shocked isn?t the right word, gutted I think would be more appropriate.

Emily?s aunt was telling someone else, I wasn?t sure who that she had asked us to be god parents and we?d agreed which was fab as it would mean we?d get her son (Declan) huge gifts for life and he?d be ?sorted? for Christmases and birthdays, she also said she didn?t really like either my Dh or myself much but that wouldn?t bother her much as we?d come up with the goodies like we had done with Emily.

I just sat there in the cubicle trying not to breathe, hoping they wouldn?t hear me , then fantasizing about coming out and facing them, unfortunately I just didn?t have the bottle to do the latter (wish now in hindsight that I had) I was just way too embarrassed.

It?s left me feeling betrayed and used. I am now even wondering how genuine our relationship ever was with Emily?s mum and dad. I?m really confused and even questioning even really old friendships. Their motives, are they interested in me or do they see us as cash cows that they can milk when they need.

Sorry to ramble on but I haven?t managed to tell Dh yet as I know he would of blown his top if he?d heard about this. Look I know it's hardly like anyone's died or anything and I understand there will probably be some who will think this matter totally trivial but how on earth do I handle this situation? I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me right now.

OP posts:
Cam · 03/10/2005 15:38

I wouldn't send any money but would write the letter (along the lines of Twig's) pronto to get it over with.

What is the exact relationship between the woman you overherad and Emily's parents?

pumpkinosaur · 03/10/2005 15:38

Really sorry, tooshy. How awful.

Agree with ggglimpopo.

RachD · 03/10/2005 15:38

The Twig letter is brilliant.
Perfectly put.

A letter means that there would be no chance for face to face conflict.

And they can read & re0-read your letter and hopefully chew over what an waful thing they have done to you.

NotActuallyAMum · 03/10/2005 15:40

The first thing you should do here is tell your DH asap - you really shouldn't have to shoulder this on your own, that's not fair on you and I'm sure he'd want to know

Agree that you can't possibly be godparents to this child and definitely think you should tell them yourself the reason why, I would do it in a letter cos if you try to do anything face to face things never come out the way you want them to

Good luck to you

marthamoo · 03/10/2005 15:44

Oh you poor thing. Fwiw, I would have stayed in the toilet too - confrontation isn't my thing and you must have been so shocked. Try not to make it doubt your relationship with Emily's parents - if you have always felt it was a genuine relationship before now then don't let this dreadful woman spoil that.

I would go with a letter too - short and simple. You overheard what she said, you are very hurt, and there is no way you can now be Declan's godparents. I do think you will have to tell your dh - otherwise how will you explain why you are pulling out? He may well blow his top (my dh would too) but you need to talk to a real life, supportive person about this too.

Do you know who the other people were who were agreeing with her in the toilets? It may well be that they thought she was being a cow too but none of them had the nerve to say so.

I am so sorry you were hurt in this way - it does knock you for six when you hear something like this. But it's not you - it's her, she's a despicable woman. Poor Declan.

ediemay · 03/10/2005 15:46

How awful. I agree with sending the letter - and I would talk to Emily's parents to explain breifly what has happened and to say that you really don't want this to affect things between you, nor do you expect them to have to act as go-betweens. Just say that you have sent a letter to them and won't be communicating with them in future.

Janh · 03/10/2005 15:51

Oh but what about the future, Emily's birthday parties etc, it's going to be cringemakingly embarrassing unless they don't much like Declan's mother...but he is her cousin, he will be at her parties and so will they...unless tooshy has a separate celebration...

This is soooo horrible, sending twig's letter and an insultingly small voucher sorts out the immediate problem but it doesn't stop here, does it. Total nightmare. What a vile woman.

Roobie · 03/10/2005 16:00

I am probably going against the general grain here but if I were you I would decline to be Declan's godparents but merely inform his parents that it is for personal reasons. Of course this woman is a absolute vile creature etc etc but I have never been one for confrontation and catching people out. Is anything to be served by letting her know that you overheard her apart from making her feel bad (I know she should but...) and as JanH says potentially creating friction and embarrassment in the future?

ThomBat · 03/10/2005 16:13

my original post also said just to ring and say you had had a long think about it and decided you couldn't be responsisble for being Godparent to Declan. Trouble is a) why the hell should she get away with it, you're not being nasty if you write a letter like twigglets b) why should you feel awful when yu see her and feel uncomfortable when it's her that should be feeling this way not you c) she'll just slag you off for changing yu mind and thing you're a rich bitch etc rather than a really nice person who feels sick at reason behind being given what is supposed to be an honour.
No bollocks, sorry, but I think do it nicely but don't let her get away with it. She needs to stop and think about how nasty nad disgusting she is and she should feel ashamed of herself and why should you be made out to be the bad person for apparently changing your mind?

Mallarky · 03/10/2005 16:14

What about saying that since you have come into money you've been inundated with people wanting you to be godparents/etc and because ofthe numbers involved that unfortunately you not in a position to accept their offer.

madmarchscare · 03/10/2005 16:16

Or, you could be Godparents and then buy really crap presents. No?

ggglimpopo · 03/10/2005 16:17

Message withdrawn

handlemecarefully · 03/10/2005 16:19

Another vote for sending Twig's letter...

marthamoo · 03/10/2005 16:21

madmarchscare - I was tempted to suggest that too. Go along with it and send really crap presents over the years - freebies from McDonald's for example.

I also agree that going public on why you don't want to be godparents may make things very awkward at future gatherings. How hard are you going to find that?

I'd be torn - part of me really would not want to let this awful woman off the hook, I would want her to know she'd been overheard in all her full blown bitchiness. But part of me would think, for the sake of future meet-ups, to just decline for vague personal reasons and let her sweat out why.

I don't know...

ggglimpopo · 03/10/2005 16:22

Message withdrawn

RachD · 03/10/2005 16:23

I'm afraid I disagree with roobie & mallarky - saying that you can't do it, might lead them to think you aren't doing it because of may other requests.
But that is not the real reason.
The real reason is because they are abusing your trust and that they want your money and don't even like you.

I agree with Thombat.
They must be told.
But in a way that you are happy with.

hunkerpumpkin · 03/10/2005 16:23

GGG, that's evil. Therefore, I love it!

TB's point about why the hell should they get away with it (and possibly end up making you look like the bad guys) is extremely valid - you need to make it clear why you're stepping back from this.

foxinsocks · 03/10/2005 16:25

You poor thing - it's like something you see on TV

I would first tell dh and then I think I would pick up the phone and speak to Emily's parents. They are the ones who appear to be your true friends. From your story, Declan's parents are just some of Emily's family who you have come to know from being friends with Emily's parents (but they obviously heard the story about your wealth from Emily's parents, I take it). As you will obviously want to maintain your friendship with them, I think you should speak to them first.

Cam · 03/10/2005 16:25

Suggest they ask Elton John instead

Roobie · 03/10/2005 16:28

Or perhaps if you can't stand the idea of not saying anything just have a word with her alone informing her of what you heard, saying how hurt you were and that you are subsequently declining. Make it known to her that you are not going to mention it again and it is down to her to explain to her dh, sister etc why you can't do it. She can put whatever spin on it she wants as long as it doesn't make you look bad.
That way, any embarrassment will only be between you and her (all on her part hopefully).

MaryP0p1 · 03/10/2005 16:28

How about you say to the couple thanks but no thanks giving no reason at all, site family vague committments or problems with religion or something. Then tell the couple that are your friends the real reason and hope they're be too embarrassed to ever bring the subject up again. Your joints friends are bound to let the other couple know why and I'm sure they're be too embarrassed to do anything but pretend it never happened.

FauxVampire · 03/10/2005 16:28

My inclination would be to bring it all out into the open, but retain as much dignity as possible, ie don't resort to bitchiness yourself. It's a weird thing for someone you've only just met to ask you to be a godparent.

It's really horrible for you, but just to put her bitchy comments in perspective, having a lot of money is bound to incite envy. So her comments have nothing to do with what kind of people you and dh are - and after all this woman scarcely knows you.

ThomBat · 03/10/2005 16:30

i keep wondering who thombat is!!!!!! Sorry, what I really wanted to say wqs - ROFL ggglimpopo ! Fab

Socci · 03/10/2005 16:30

Message withdrawn

lilibet · 03/10/2005 16:31

I love Twigletts letter and would send a copy to Emily's parents and let Declans parent's know that you had done that.

I would have stayed in the loo too, hate confrontation.

But you do need to talk to your dh

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