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Caught redhanded being spoken about. What would you have done?

200 replies

tooshyshy · 03/10/2005 14:06

As this is a sentsitive matter I have changed my name although it would hardly take Miss Marple to figure out who I am.

Ok, this is going to be a little long winded but here goes.

A little while back Dh and I were really lucky to come into quite a bit of money, enough to sort out our debts buy a decent house outright and a couple of cars with enough money for a rainy day. We considered DH giving up his job but he decided against it and is pretty happy now he?s cut his hours down.

Don?t get me wrong, I am not trying to brag or be showy but it sets the scene for what happened last weekend which has really shaken me.

A few months ago we were asked to be (first time)god parents to our friend?s daughter, we were thrilled about it and that ceremony happened in August, for the sake of clarity I?ll call our god-daughterher Emily.

Last weekend we were invited out to Sunday lunch by those friends and their family who we are also starting to know quite well and there was one other family who we?d never met and were introduced to. We had a lovely time and towards the end of the meal Emily?s Uncle asked us if we?d like to be their son (Declan?s) god parents too, naturally we said yes, we were really delighted and we all had a little laugh about us being the role model god parents etc .

Anyway, I hope I am explaining this story properly. I went to the loo in the restaurant and whilst there I was shocked by what I heard, well no shocked isn?t the right word, gutted I think would be more appropriate.

Emily?s aunt was telling someone else, I wasn?t sure who that she had asked us to be god parents and we?d agreed which was fab as it would mean we?d get her son (Declan) huge gifts for life and he?d be ?sorted? for Christmases and birthdays, she also said she didn?t really like either my Dh or myself much but that wouldn?t bother her much as we?d come up with the goodies like we had done with Emily.

I just sat there in the cubicle trying not to breathe, hoping they wouldn?t hear me , then fantasizing about coming out and facing them, unfortunately I just didn?t have the bottle to do the latter (wish now in hindsight that I had) I was just way too embarrassed.

It?s left me feeling betrayed and used. I am now even wondering how genuine our relationship ever was with Emily?s mum and dad. I?m really confused and even questioning even really old friendships. Their motives, are they interested in me or do they see us as cash cows that they can milk when they need.

Sorry to ramble on but I haven?t managed to tell Dh yet as I know he would of blown his top if he?d heard about this. Look I know it's hardly like anyone's died or anything and I understand there will probably be some who will think this matter totally trivial but how on earth do I handle this situation? I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me right now.

OP posts:
Twiglett · 03/10/2005 14:32

Dear xx

We are extremely sorry to have to write to inform you that we will be unable to be godparents to Declan.

Unfortunately on xx, xxxxx we overheard purely by accident you discussing your true motivations for asking us to be godparents and understand from what you said that you actually neither like nor respect us. I am sure you will appreciate that the position of godparent is one of trust and love and without either it is impossible for us to continue.

We sincerely hope you consider carefully who you would actually like to fulfil this important role in your beloved child's life and do not base any future decision on what monetary gains you feel may be made.

We wish you a healthy and happy life as a family.

Yours sincerely

berolina · 03/10/2005 14:32

OMG how awful. Beggars belief.
Agree with everyone else, you can't possibly be Declan's godparents. You also need to let them know you overheard the convrsation.
Also think it's important you speak to Emily's parents asap, as if D's parents are that underhand no doubt they'll try to twist the situation.

suedonim · 03/10/2005 14:32

Unbelievable. How can people be so mercenary? I, too, think you have to tell Declan's parents that you no longer wish to be a godparent. If Emily's parents know you've been asked then I guess they will find out anyway and it might be best to get your side of the story in first. How awful and depressing for you.

hunkerpumpkin · 03/10/2005 14:33

Twiglett, that's brilliant.

berolina · 03/10/2005 14:33

x posts
I think you should tell D's parents yourselves - remember you have the moral high ground here.

edam · 03/10/2005 14:33

You don't need to substantiate what you heard. I'd talk/write directly to this hideous woman saying 'I overheard your conversation about your reasons for asking us to be godparents'. No details. She knows what she said and what you overheard!

If you do want to go through Emily's parents, you'll have to say you overheard a conversation about their reasons for choosing you that was pretty distressing as they said it was about money. Don't go into details if you don't want to - in fact probably best not.

hunkerpumpkin · 03/10/2005 14:33

Definitely don't ask E's parents to do the deed for you.

Mum2girls · 03/10/2005 14:34

This is really shocking. Agree with twiglett's approach.

It's shallow and despicable.

aloha · 03/10/2005 14:34

not trivial at all! Horrible and upsetting. What do you think your relationship is like with Emily's parents? Clearly you cannot be godparents to Declan.

turquoise · 03/10/2005 14:36

How absolutely horrible for you! Agree Twiglett's letter is excellent, but I would still tell Emily's parents the basic barest facts, without asking them to intervene in any way.

fireflyfairy2 · 03/10/2005 14:36

the 2 faced b*tch!!! Poor Declan.. wonder if he know's his mumma is so selfish!! What a piece of work

motherpeculiar · 03/10/2005 14:38

tss - I wouldn't worry an ounch about it being your word against theirs/hers. You know what you heard and only you and your DH can decide whether or not to accept an invite to be godparents. If you decide against (which I also think you almost have to after this) they just have to accept it.

What a horrible situation and horrible, cynical woman. Poor you.

motherpeculiar · 03/10/2005 14:38

an ounch? an ounce? oh god how do you spell it? oz is the abbreviation. you know what I mean

tooshyshy · 03/10/2005 14:39

Twig
Thanks for your template. See how simple that was but I just cannot think straight right now. I know I'll be ok when this matter is resoved but right now I am feeling a bit fragile, confused and most definately paranoid. And BTW I didn't make it clear but after what I heard I had no intentions of going through with it. I just didn't know the best way to handle it. I so wish I could have the balls to go to their place and discuss it face to face I just don't think I'll be able to do it without getting over emotional.

The letter ideas sounds more and more promising.

OP posts:
Gobbledispook · 03/10/2005 14:39

Vile, vile woman.

I agree with WWB and Twig - decline immediately and make it clear why too.

I would have felt sick. I'd like to think I'd have walked out and made my presence known, but I can see why you froze.

So shocking.

Blackduck · 03/10/2005 14:46

Twig what a brill letter! So dignified, but making the point......
TSS - how awful it must have been...

meggymoo · 03/10/2005 14:48

Message withdrawn

Marina · 03/10/2005 14:49

Twig's letter is great. Fuelled by steroids?
There are plenty of wealthy, empty-headed people out there ready to be wallets-open, token godparents tss. Loving, committed, genuine ones like you are far thinner on the ground.
Declan is ultimately the biggest loser in all this as he gets to spend his entire childhood with two truly horrible people.
I should think Emily's parents will be mightily embarrassed to be related to them.

vickitrickortreatmum · 03/10/2005 14:51

Still ed!

I really feel for you Too Shy. If they were "just" (you know what i mean) slating you and your DH etc perhaps you could have emerged from cubicle and confronted them or made a smart comment or whatever.

The fact that they had just asked you to be godparents and seemingly put you on such a pedestal to then hear that is just so so cold. I totally understand you being paralysed. I dont know what i honestly wouldve done - hindsight is a wonderful thing anyway isnt it.

My spiteful side would say accept and continue until the day before or morning of the christening and then blow them out at the very last minute so its too late for them to make alternative arrangements.

Or on the day ask the "How much should i write the cheque for?" and when they ask for what say "For Xmas and birthday presents for the next 18 years? Because thats all you want us for isnt it? Didnt you say xxxx in the restaurant toilets on xxxxx date? Lets get it out the way and hopefully we'll never have to see your sorry, cold, callous selves again" Of course you cant and shouldnt do that but its soooo tempting isnt it.

Discuss it with your DH first of course, perhaps an informal discussion with Emily's parents/your friends first as they are unwittingly (?) in the middle of all of this. Although they must have had some thoughts on her brother/sister wanting you to be godparents too in the first place?

Bit of a rambling reply but its just such a shocking thing to do.

saadia · 03/10/2005 14:59

It's awful hearing yourself being spoken about like this. I would bow out gracefully, just say you've had second thoughts and can't be Declan's godparents.

If you're having doubts about Emily's parents' motives then instead of giving gifts on birthdays perhaps you could take her out for the day and see how they react.

doormat · 03/10/2005 15:19

tooshy if it was me in your position the first thing I would do is tell my dh what was said.
I would then tell friend what you overheard and decline being a godparent to declan.
I would then have a serious heart to heart with dh over your friends and whether to be a godparent to emily.

IMO there is no smoke without fire, there has obviously been talk of your generosity.

Also if you both decide to be godparents to emily I think a small inexpensive gift for xmas/birthdays because if they are true friends to you, it will not matter how much you have spent it would be the thought that has counted.

expatinscotland · 03/10/2005 15:19

Gawd what an embarrassing situation to be put in.

Could you maybe tell her you've decided to become atheists/Christian Scientist/cult, etc. and therefore not able to be godparents anymore? .

That's a hard one.

bosscat · 03/10/2005 15:29

I would send twigletts letter with a £5 argos voucher and put ps. nice try!

seriously, horrible for you, but at least you found out.

ThomBat · 03/10/2005 15:31

Bless you Twiggs, that's a perfect letter, you are fab.
Think that's spot on tooshy. i think it's awful you are in this situation. I'd LOVE to be a fly on teh wall in her home when she receives a letter / call from you. Hope it haunts her for years and years and she's mortified by it. uggggg waht an absolute monster of a woman.

ggglimpopo · 03/10/2005 15:35

Message withdrawn