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Original poster

Caught redhanded being spoken about. What would you have done?

200 replies

tooshyshy · 03/10/2005 14:06

As this is a sentsitive matter I have changed my name although it would hardly take Miss Marple to figure out who I am.

Ok, this is going to be a little long winded but here goes.

A little while back Dh and I were really lucky to come into quite a bit of money, enough to sort out our debts buy a decent house outright and a couple of cars with enough money for a rainy day. We considered DH giving up his job but he decided against it and is pretty happy now he?s cut his hours down.

Don?t get me wrong, I am not trying to brag or be showy but it sets the scene for what happened last weekend which has really shaken me.

A few months ago we were asked to be (first time)god parents to our friend?s daughter, we were thrilled about it and that ceremony happened in August, for the sake of clarity I?ll call our god-daughterher Emily.

Last weekend we were invited out to Sunday lunch by those friends and their family who we are also starting to know quite well and there was one other family who we?d never met and were introduced to. We had a lovely time and towards the end of the meal Emily?s Uncle asked us if we?d like to be their son (Declan?s) god parents too, naturally we said yes, we were really delighted and we all had a little laugh about us being the role model god parents etc .

Anyway, I hope I am explaining this story properly. I went to the loo in the restaurant and whilst there I was shocked by what I heard, well no shocked isn?t the right word, gutted I think would be more appropriate.

Emily?s aunt was telling someone else, I wasn?t sure who that she had asked us to be god parents and we?d agreed which was fab as it would mean we?d get her son (Declan) huge gifts for life and he?d be ?sorted? for Christmases and birthdays, she also said she didn?t really like either my Dh or myself much but that wouldn?t bother her much as we?d come up with the goodies like we had done with Emily.

I just sat there in the cubicle trying not to breathe, hoping they wouldn?t hear me , then fantasizing about coming out and facing them, unfortunately I just didn?t have the bottle to do the latter (wish now in hindsight that I had) I was just way too embarrassed.

It?s left me feeling betrayed and used. I am now even wondering how genuine our relationship ever was with Emily?s mum and dad. I?m really confused and even questioning even really old friendships. Their motives, are they interested in me or do they see us as cash cows that they can milk when they need.

Sorry to ramble on but I haven?t managed to tell Dh yet as I know he would of blown his top if he?d heard about this. Look I know it's hardly like anyone's died or anything and I understand there will probably be some who will think this matter totally trivial but how on earth do I handle this situation? I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me right now.

OP posts:
RTKMonherBroomstick · 03/10/2005 16:36

I am shocked and angry for you

I would deffo not have beeen able to come out of toilet either

I think letter is deffo the right way to go

dillydally · 03/10/2005 16:37

I am afraid I would be so hurt that as well as to decline Declan (using the elegant twig letter), I would scale back Emilys presents too for the time being, and splurge again when I had forgot the whole sordid affair.

Roobie · 03/10/2005 16:41

I know it can feel good to teach people a lesson and see them get their comeuppance but copying the letter to her sister just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. What purpose does it serve other than to create friction within their family? The woman is a bitch, she will probably always be a bitch and that is her problem ....I would decline and send the letter if you must but keep it between the two of you.

MrsDoolittle · 03/10/2005 16:43

Nothing to add but I feel so awful and angry for you. Thank goodness you heard this before the christening!! I really think you need the support of your dh though.
My heart goes out to you.

fishie · 03/10/2005 16:47

you poor thing, what an utter bitch i am sorry she has done this. hopefully you will feel better once have told your dh, but you must be dreading that too.

Socci · 03/10/2005 16:47

Message withdrawn

cod · 03/10/2005 16:48

Message withdrawn

ThomBat · 03/10/2005 16:49

I agree, think copying her sister in isn't worth it. It just makes you look bitchy, which you're not, and blood is thicker than water etc.

cod · 03/10/2005 16:50

Message withdrawn

TaiTai · 03/10/2005 17:42

This is a horrible situation. I don't agree with those that say you shouldn't give the real reason for not being a godparent, though. Given that the Bitch Woman was saying she'd never liked you, having you back out without giving her the true reason will only add fuel to her fire - it will give her a potential reason for not liking (or trusting) you, and may only lead to more bitching. Which may lead to Emily's parents not respecting you for backing out.

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of here. Personally, I would confront the couple face to face. However, if you would prefer to write a letter, why don't you address it to the husband (Declan's father)? Who knows, maybe his wife's comments don't truly reflect her husband's feelings also. If you address the letter to both of them and she opens it, she may well not tell him about it. Who knows? He may be mortified with his wife.

It may be embarrassing in future, but it was not you that created that situation. You are feeling insecure about who are your friends, so I really think you need to discuss it with Emily's parents. The problem is who was in the toilet with Declan's mother. Although it might not have been Emily's mother, it may be the grandmother or another relative that you may see from time to time. I would talk to Emily's parents about it face to face; you might well be able to judge from Emily's mother's reaction whether she was in on the conversation or whether she was clueless.

You poor thing.

TaiTai · 03/10/2005 17:48

Also, bear in mind that just 'cos Emily's parents have mentioned your generosity to their relatives, it doesn't mean they were being money-grabbing or negative about you. Could just be "so-and-so are always so generous, they spoil Emily" kind of comments.

Definitely tell your DH. He has a right to know the true nature of people he's planning on spending his time and money on. And you need some support!

CeeTee · 03/10/2005 17:51

I would like to think that I would have handled things differently, but honestly I would have done the same thing. I'm just not confrontational.
I think if you love the child & want the honor of being godparent, then do it. It is not the godparents job to buy expensive gifts. It is their duty to take care of the child in a loving environment should something happen to the parents. Gifts are usually given by the godparents, but there is no need for them to be extravagent. If you are just too hurt than that is understandable as well. Just decline the offer graciously, If you dont feel like you can bring up what you heard than there is no need to. That would probably cause more animosity with the family. Do you know if the parents feel the same as the relatives do?
& Don't worry about being trivial, you are not!! I must have been be so heartbreaking to hear such ugly things being said about you by people you thought cared about you. Sorry that happened.
I wish you the best.

YeahBut · 03/10/2005 17:52

Tell your dh immediately!!

I would also send the letter so that they know exactly why you can't be godparents. I would also mention it to Emily's parents but on the understanding that it is for their information only and not asking them to get involved. That way, Declan's parents can't bitch about it to the rest of the family making you guys out to be the baddies.

ScreamEagle · 03/10/2005 17:55

If you decide on sending the letter, remember to keep a copy of it.

Roobie · 03/10/2005 17:59

Probably covered on one of the other threads but it's not actually the godparents' duty to take care of the child in the event that something happens to the parents.

Rowlers · 03/10/2005 18:10

Is Declan's mother a blood relation of Emily's parents or just by marriage? How well do they all get on?
It seems to me you need to find a way to dal with this which isn't going to damage your good relationship with Emily's parents.
Would they be horrified by the story?
If you back out of being godparents to Declan, (which I presume you will) then Emily's parents will surely want to know why?
This woman / couple have put you in a horrible situation.
Your DH may have a good idea about how to tackle it.

Lonelymum · 03/10/2005 18:17

OMG what a horrible thing to overhear. I also overheard horrid stuff about me once and I still remember how physically shaken I was (although it was only trivial bitching compared to this). I would be sorely tempted to pretend you heard nothing, carry on pretending you are going to be Declan's godparents and then just not turn up at the church on the day. That would ruin their child's christening good and proper. Sorry, that is just the petty me speaking.

In truth, you should just let Declan's mother know you heard what she said and decline to be the godparents. If you want to set your mind at rest re Emily's parents, I would simply confront Emily's mother with this story and see how much she blushes.

GeorginaA · 03/10/2005 18:22

Would it be worth telling Emily's parents face to face (I know it would be hard though) - if only to see their reaction to judge if it was news to them or if they act embarrassed implying they were in the room at the same time as Declan's mum was spouting off.

Horrible situation, so on your behalf...

puffinthedark · 03/10/2005 18:25

I vote for Twiglett's letter too. The tricky bit is whether Declan's parents will try to sour the good (and hopefully genuine) relationship you have with Emily's parents. Perhaps you could make an addition to the letter, indicating that you wish to draw a line under the matter, which includes not mentioning any of the unpleasant detail of what you overheard to Emily's parents.

Original poster
tooshyshy · 03/10/2005 19:24

Well phew, I didn't expect to see so many responses. It's been really interesting to read the replies/suggestions oh yes and some of the nasty comments about Declan's mummy have given me a wry smile (sorry but I can't resist)

Someone on this thread mentioned that it was like something from TV and that is exactly what I told DH earlier on (I phoned him at work - what a HUGE relief) only if this was TV I would have secretly recorded her bitchings on my handy knicker-dictaphone then played it to all at the christening party!

Ok a little more clarification. Emily's Dad and Declan's dad are brothers and very close they and DH have known each other for years and are all like brothers. There were 2 other brothers at the meal with their partners and kids there.

Essentially it a warm up birthday party for Emily's grandad's 65th so it was pretty busy, Emily's parents, uncles, aunts cousins and granparents who were there as well as 2 or 3 other mutual acquaintances.

We have known Declans mum and dad for a while on nodding terms but in the last year got to know them better. There was only one couple with two children who we had never met. Just to clarify Declans Mum and dad were known to us.

Anyway now I really am rambling dh was so lovely and very disappointed, putting it mildly. Like me, he suspects that (I'll call them Rob and Karen - Emily's parents weren't party to any of it) Like I said we've known Rob and Karen for a while. Dh totally understood that I was having moments of doubt though.

Sorry Twig but I passed off the letter idea as my own and even drafted up a similar one to show dh. He thought it best to see Karen straight away and tell her about what had happened. Gosh am I glad she was in.

We had a fab chat, I really wish we could have spoken for longer - she was sooo shocked that it happened the way it had and thank god she can't stand her SIL(I'll call her Sally (I thought they all got on ok!) she even went as far as to say that it didn't surprise her and how Sally had always made some bitchy comment when talking about anything we had done for Emily or Rob and Karen. In fact Karen had told her dh that she was gobsmacked that they had asked us to be Declan's GP's

She's going to talk to Rob tonight and see what he says. FWIW Karen liked the letter idea alot. We spoke about future cringe worthy family get togethers and she reassured me that they were always very raucous and busy so it would be unlikely that it would be too awkward. (I'm not too sure but I'll have to trust her on that one)

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 03/10/2005 19:29

well done, you were really brave!

Original poster
tooshyshy · 03/10/2005 19:30

Thanks Foxy.
I'm not sure about that but I couldn't have anymore sleepless nights!

OP posts:
Socci · 03/10/2005 19:31

Message withdrawn

Katemum · 03/10/2005 19:32

Karen sounds lovely though and it is nice that she has been such a supportive friend. As for Declan's mother, poor child!

Janh · 03/10/2005 19:51

tooshy that's such good news - I did think she must be an outlaw, not a blood relative, since Emily's parents have been good friends for a long time. Karen does sound nice!

YOu can always check in future if Declan's family will be at gatherings and make your mind up then whether to go or not.

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