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Original poster

Why is it OK for dads to work fulltime, but less acceptable for mums to do it?

251 replies

hunkermunker · 28/09/2005 13:01

That's it really. Just pondering it. I work four days a week (three weekdays, one weekend day).

And I've had surprised looks from people that I'm working so much. But I like my job, DS is happy with his grandparents for three days a week and his dad for the other.

And I was just wondering why people don't think it's odd that dads often don't take much time off after their baby's born (two weeks isn't much!) and then work five days a week. Nobody says to DH, "Aw, you must miss your DS" like they do to me - so why is this?

I don't want a debate about WOHM and SAHM - I know there are people who couldn't do whichever one they're not and have read all that before. I just wondered about the mum/dad working thing.

OP posts:
puff · 28/09/2005 17:40

lol Fio

Thomcat · 28/09/2005 17:41

jesus man, I'm sick of feeling like I'm treading on eggshells with every word I type.
Fine, we're all the same, whatever.

Fio2 · 28/09/2005 17:42

oo err, i am on another planet. Why is anyone treading on eggshells :S

Thomcat · 28/09/2005 17:42

FWIW, for the sake of this thread there im my opinion there are 2 types of mother, WOHM and SAHM, for the sake of this thread. i don't think like that day to day.

Anything in that anyone wants to swear at me for?

Thomcat · 28/09/2005 17:43

i just do Fio, okay.

puff · 28/09/2005 17:43

TC, don't think Fio was swearing at you, and anyone who made insulted comments to you earlier should be put in the village stocks forthwith.

puff · 28/09/2005 17:44

oops insulting.

Fio2 · 28/09/2005 17:45

stop being so precious I wasnt even on about you or anything, i just hate people lumped into groups

Fio2 · 28/09/2005 17:47

last post was to TC and not puff before i get into trouble with anyone else for anything

Thomcat · 28/09/2005 17:48

ohhhh, i'm not being precious, but your swearing post that said there weren't 2 types of mum came straight after i said that there were (for the sake of this thread) 2 types of mum, it seemed very much like you were shouting at me.
I'm not being precious, I'm really not, I'm just tired and hormonal and felt like I was being shouted at and sworn at, again.

Fio2 · 28/09/2005 17:49

whatever
i dont really care

Thomcat · 28/09/2005 17:52

lovely, that's just great Fio.
have a nice evening.

colditz · 28/09/2005 17:52

Has anyone seen my new socks? I left them on the kitchen table, and they're gone.

They are blue ankle socks.

Thankyou.

Thomcat · 28/09/2005 17:53

LOL colditz

happymerryberries · 28/09/2005 17:56

Coldiz, I think they are at the bottom of my airing cupboard....do you want me to have a look?

FairyMum · 28/09/2005 18:06

Going back to the original question. Yes, I do think it's odd that many men don't take much time off when their babies are born and I think it's very strange when I see the guys in my office who work late, socialise a lot after work and then play football at the weekends. I wonder when they spend time with their families. I do think men are staring to take fatherhood more important though and as women go out to work they are forced to share the childcare more which can only be a good thing for both mums,dads and not least the kids!

Enid · 28/09/2005 18:07

I dont have to go to work. We could manage on dh's salary. But I do because I like it. But I wouldn't go full time. And I appreciate the fact that dh works so hard so that I can sit around doing plasticine with the kids for a couple of hours in the afternoon.

He wouldnt dream of taking paternity leave or time of for my scans etc either - he runs his own business and we both think that is as important as the kids sometimes.

not making any point really just telling you how it is chez Enid.

Enid · 28/09/2005 18:10

he does get home at 6 though and gives the kids a bath

pacinofan · 28/09/2005 19:28

Well, in our household we have practically zero flexibility from dh's employer. He works in a predominantly male environment, unsociable hours and is away 2-3 nights minimum a week (next week it's 5 nights and am dreading it tbh). Frankly, if he was to approach his Line Manager and request time off for a family related event I think they'd laugh him out of the office. Heck, even his parental leave on the birth of a child is not 'guaranteed' but the company endeavour to 'do their best, subject to rostering restrictions'. The guys he works with just get on with things and I rather suspect men like my husband who openly admit to missing their families stand out like sore thumbs. I am used to the lifestyle we lead but always envious of others who have their other half with them to share the daily routine of family life (especially at bathtime/bedtimes)! The only advantage to this type of lifestyle is that when he is home, we sure as hell make sure we have a good time together and try not to waste time bickering!!!

Seriously, I predict in 100 years, long after I've left the planet, there will be far more family-friendly policies in force in the workplace.

Eaney · 28/09/2005 19:57

I work in the Civil Service. A Male colleague's wife had a baby. It was after many years of trying and they both thought it unlikely that they would ever have another one. So, my Male colleague and his wife decided to share the Maternity leave ( they both worked in the same office). She took the first half off, he the second. One of the good things about the Civil Service is this type of flexibility.

Anyway his boss and a few other male colleagues were dumbfounded and said as much. His boss didn't mind losing his skills for a few months but honestly couldn't understand why any sane man would do this. It's like as if men are not allowed to or expected to show their more caring side.

tegan · 28/09/2005 20:11

When I had dd1 I worked full time and had taken on a mortgage 2 weeks before finding out I was expecting. So when I had her my mum looked after her and due to financial commitments I went back to work 5 days a week 12 hours a day when she was 5 weeks old. I got made redundent in 2003 when she was 5 years old hence i now have a 17 month old

Tanzie · 28/09/2005 20:45

When I worked with my DH, someone I was having a run-in with in the admin office called DH into his office and told him to "do something about his aggressive wife!" Fortunately he had the sense not to tell me until after I'd left.

mishmash · 28/09/2005 20:49

Tanzie - what did you do?

mishmash · 28/09/2005 20:52

I haven't managed to trawl through all of this but I had DD in the office with me for her first twelve weeks so I could BF her - long story - but she was literally under my desk in a little bouncer all that time. But unfortunately at the time I couldn't take Maternity Leave and still wanted to give her the best start in life.

Wordsmith · 28/09/2005 21:24

Pacinofan and Eaney, those are really depressing stories, but all too common I think. One of the great things about DH running his business from home (well there has to be something to compensate for not really earning anything) is that he will be able to do the school and nursery pick up on the days I work, as I won't be leaving the office till 5.30. So he'll have to cut short his working day at 3.13pm, just as I have had to do ever since DS1 started school. He doesn't bat an eyelid about it but I have had quite a few 'oh isn't that good of him'-type comments from some friends (particularly the SAHMs mentioned in my earlier posting). I sometimes feel like saying 'yes, and I think it's good of me to to go out and earn a regular income enabling him to work at home and have all the flexibility that entails'. Which isn't how I feel, by the way, but it's an equally valid argument.

The original question about it being OK for dads to work full time but not mums could be turned round into: "Why is is OK for mums to take part-time or flexible work options when they have kids, but not dads?"

Pacinofan, I really hope it doesn't take 100 years for family friendly policies to bcome the norm! I'm hoping for about 20-30 years, so my DS's and their wives or partners don't have to faff around like we do.