Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Other subjects
Original poster

Why is it OK for dads to work fulltime, but less acceptable for mums to do it?

251 replies

hunkermunker · 28/09/2005 13:01

That's it really. Just pondering it. I work four days a week (three weekdays, one weekend day).

And I've had surprised looks from people that I'm working so much. But I like my job, DS is happy with his grandparents for three days a week and his dad for the other.

And I was just wondering why people don't think it's odd that dads often don't take much time off after their baby's born (two weeks isn't much!) and then work five days a week. Nobody says to DH, "Aw, you must miss your DS" like they do to me - so why is this?

I don't want a debate about WOHM and SAHM - I know there are people who couldn't do whichever one they're not and have read all that before. I just wondered about the mum/dad working thing.

OP posts:
Thomcat · 28/09/2005 15:39

She may not have been offensive before Fio, but she more than made up for that in my eyes when she called me 'a f-ing t**t'! I have to say that I'm a bit taken aback by having been spoken to like that. I hadn't realised I was doing anything other than pointing out that we havce similar situations in a lighthearted, silly, fun sort of way. i meant nothng by it and as such was a bit shocked at the venom it incurred. I don't think I've ever been spoken to like that when I have deserved it. Some might say I deserved it then but I really don't think I did. Ahhhh well, I'll get over it i'm sure.

Prettybird · 28/09/2005 15:49

ExpatisnScoltand - I'm fortunate in that I earn an extremely good salary (doubly so if I meet my targets), so it is nice to be able to "give" dh this time.

For long enough he was "trapped" in a job (or rather an orgnaisation) where he wasn't happy - but stayed on while i was going though various job changes and then while I had ds.

Original poster
hunkermunker · 28/09/2005 15:53

TC, you have never deserved being spoken to like that, I'm quite sure! And you definitely didn't there

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 28/09/2005 15:54

I'm an oenophile, PB and that's awesome that your husband is going to be pursuing a career in something he loves. Mmmm. Wine!

Fantabulous.

I really think something like 'oh, they can step down and budget' is over-simplifying things and a bit insulting to those of us who would be homeless if we stepped down.

Prettybird · 28/09/2005 16:06

Being on a tight budget must be tough if you love wine ExpatinScoltand!

BTW - have you tried the Soave in Lidl? - only £2.59 and very drinkable! Normally we are really fussy about "cheap" white wines, but this one is very gluggable - helped by only being 11%.

Oops - I forgot, you're pregnant, so might not be drinking at the moment.

I showed what an irresposible parent I was going to be by continuing to drink while I was pregnant - with the GP's agreement - but reduced the quantity and upped the quality!

expatinscotland · 28/09/2005 16:08

I had a few beers in this pregnancy, but in addition to being pregnant I have acid reflux again, so I'm pretty much having to stick to water until December, just in time for my parents to come over for a while and replinish my wine stock!

Wordsmith · 28/09/2005 16:22

I spent 2 hours this morning with 2 SAHM friends of mine and I can honestly say I have never come across such narrow-minded, mean-spirited comments about full time working mums as I did from them. One of whom is in the fortunate position of her husband having inherited £250,000 and changed careers to earn £12K as a teaching assistant, and the other whose husband buys and sells stuff and who scrapes by on next to nothing - both totally opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of financial necessity and reuqirements, but both seeming to think that because they had given up careers for which they trained at the taxpayers expense in order to bring up children, they were somehow holier and more worthy than those who hadn't.

They both exhibited assumptions common to some posters on this thread, mainly that as a mum you shouldn't work unless you needed to financially, and if you demonstrably didn't need to, then you were shortchanging your child.

I am lucky in that I work from home part time, but I'm just about to take a temp job doing an extra day a week and working outside of the home and you know what? I can't wait! I need to feel as though I am part of the economy and pulling my weight, and, yes, justifying my education and training.

I have no problems with anyone who wants to be a SAHM mum but it turns some women into judgmental banshees! I have yet to meet a WOHM who makes quite so many scathing comments about SAHMs.

And as for the original question (sorry hunkermunker), I think it is becoming more accepted, but it's when both parents work full time that society seems to purse its lips.

Original poster
hunkermunker · 28/09/2005 16:28

PMSL at judgemental banshees - yep, met some of those!

OP posts:
Toothache · 28/09/2005 16:30

OO - The part I found offensive is the part that suggests that women prefer to go to work and miss out on most of their childs life!!! HOW IS THAT NOT OFFENSIVE!? I'm not missing most of my childrens lives???????? How ridiculous is that?

Thomcat · 28/09/2005 16:37

It's true actually Wordsmith, I'm not sure about 'scathing' but come to think of it I have yet to meet a WOHM who makes quite so many.. harsh... comments about SAHMs.

I wish we were all more supportive of each other. It's great that some women choose and want to stay at home, either looking after children as her sole role, or running a business from home, but it's also great that some women are happy to work. I'd dread to think what would happen to the world if all the people, mainly women, who have children, didn't go back to work, jeez.

It makes me sad that we mothers don't support each other more and that many of the posts I've read from SAHM's either don't understand how WOHMcan do what they do, or feel sorry for them, or think theyt are doing it becasue they are forced to and are miserable becasue of it etc.

Like i said before, thank God we are all different, just a shame we can't be different but accepting of others choices a bit more.

happymerryberries · 28/09/2005 16:42

On a slightly different point I think that some parts of society just don't expect a woman to be as interested in her work as a man.

For example I used to work in academic research. I loved my work and had worked hard to get my job. When dh shifted location with his job no-one commented on the fact that I gave up my job, that I might miss it in any way.

Later in our marriage dh had to stop flying due to illness for a short time. My family and his were falling over themselves to comeiserate with him, 'How awful, you must be so upset etc etc'

They never saw the disparity in their responces. My job was just not thought to be as important as his.

Fennel · 28/09/2005 16:43

I do think WOHMs can be just as rude about SAHMs. I know ones who are, anyway.

Fio2 · 28/09/2005 16:47

i do the working class thing and our kids are always with either of us

not sure what I am, know i am not a princess thats for sure

expatinscotland · 28/09/2005 16:49

DD is always w/one of us b/c we cannot afford outside childcare.

Fio2 · 28/09/2005 16:52

neither can we expat and have never been able to either

ds goes to nursery for a few hours but that is paid for in vouchers

Jackstini · 28/09/2005 17:08

I will be going back full time after DB is born - not sure when yet - and DH will go part time. We have had a few questions and people saying it is unusual but no really nasty comments so far.
I am lucky enough to work from home 60% of my week so will not miss out on the baby so much. DH would - he would be out 9 hours a day 5 days a week. We felt this was the best option for our child.
Saying that - it's our first so although this is the plan, who knows how we will feel afterwards!

puff · 28/09/2005 17:23

I've met a fair few wohm who have made harsh comments about sahm's. Plus sahm's who have been equally unpleasant about wohm's. What they share in common is a lack of empathy with anyone doing something different to them ie a bit thick.

bosscat · 28/09/2005 17:23

Agree with Fennel. I know plenty of WOHM's who are totally rude and judgmental about SAHM's. I think some of you on here right now are being quite rude actually. I am sick and tired of hearing WOHM's bleat on about how they want to contribute to the economy. Well, good for you but don't assume others who decide for a few years to spend some precious years with their babies are in way less contributing to society.

Fio2 · 28/09/2005 17:25

a bit thick

pmsl

Tortington · 28/09/2005 17:29

i'm not right bothered if i am contributing to society by going to work.

i do care if i get evicted and we go hungry. for some theres is not the choice.

SAHMs start on at WOHMs all the time
WOHM start on at SAHMs all the time.

the only point i need everyone to understand is that in somecases there is no element of choice.

and ladies ladies ladies. do each of us not do what we can to get through from today to tomorrow?

no one is better than anyone else and anyone who thinks that they belong to a section of society that is better than someone else is an arsetit

Fio2 · 28/09/2005 17:32

i agree with mrs custardo who isnt an arsetit

Thomcat · 28/09/2005 17:36

ohhh okay, WOHM's make as many unpleasant comments as SAHM's! As a WOHM I probably just notice one kind more than the other. Sorry. It was said, and I thought hmmmm yeah, I think you're right there but i take it back.

Anyway, I'm not one of the WOHM's who think either is better than the other, and I am glad that there are both types of mum in the world.

Fio2 · 28/09/2005 17:38

we are all fucking mothers though, there arent differnet 'types' imo

we are just ourselves and some people dont have a choice either way

Fio2 · 28/09/2005 17:40

oops torettes again, fucking wasnt supposed to be there

Thomcat · 28/09/2005 17:40

ohhh fio, why are you swearing at me now?

Swipe left for the next trending thread