Why is it OK for dads to work fulltime, but less acceptable for mums to do it?

[hunkermunker]

That's it really. Just pondering it. I work four days a week (three weekdays, one weekend day).

And I've had surprised looks from people that I'm working so much. But I like my job, DS is happy with his grandparents for three days a week and his dad for the other.

And I was just wondering why people don't think it's odd that dads often don't take much time off after their baby's born (two weeks isn't much!) and then work five days a week. Nobody says to DH, "Aw, you must miss your DS" like they do to me - so why is this?

I don't want a debate about WOHM and SAHM - I know there are people who couldn't do whichever one they're not and have read all that before. I just wondered about the mum/dad working thing.

Realy though you shouldnt have to justify or explain how many hours you work and why you work those hours to any one should you.

Totally agree with your pondering hm. Personally in our set up I think I have the better (but probably harder!) deal. DH works full time, I work 3 days plus approx 1 evening a week on call which sounds worse than it is in reality. And yes this has been advantagous to DH's career and detrimental to mine - but the financial rewards DH has reaped are shared so that part is irrelevent. If DH had desired I would have been willing to do 4 days each and each have a different day at home with the children but he simply wasn't interested.

Agree though that this is a latent sexist attitude.

I was thinking this very same thing recently.

I haven't worked since ds was born (took voluntary redundancy while on Mat leave) and I am very much at a crossroads wondering whether to find something else or not. Financially it won;t make that much difference at the moment.

I was just mooching down one of the "I'll feel so guilty if I do" avenues, when I suddenly thought, hang on, I bet most Dads don;t feel guilty going out to work full time, do they?

Dads (like my dh) working a traditional 8-5.30 Mon-Fri pattern have a relationship with their children that is only EVER evenings, weekends and holidays, and no-one thinks that's odd. Nor does it mean all kids with a SAHM and a Dad that works, have a better / closer relationship with their Mum than their Dad.

Personally I think that a Mum working a 40 hour week is far more acceptable than a Dad working a 70 hour week. And you could reverse the Mum and Dad in that sentence.

I am a much nicer mum if I've been at work - everything seems easier, somehow. That's mental, because I still have to fit in cleaning, washing, cooking, sleeping(!) - but because I've been right away from it all in a different surrounding, it's easier to go back to.

As for guilt - I don't bother with it. Makes life much easier

I work 4 days a week as well and haven't had a bad reaction from anyone.
I get a bit narked when some people just expect me to be a SAHM, but I've never had a negative reation when they realise I work.

I guess it depends on how old your child is.

I cant understand mums who can leave their child 8am - 6pm 5 days a week under 6 months old because they want to more than they need the money. I guess the older your child gets the less vulnerable and more independent they get, usally by 18 mths they benefir from being in a nursery a few days a week for the stimulation. A few of my friends work full time since their children were about 18 mths an I guess its easier at this age.
I also have a few friends who work three days a week and I think this is quite ideal as it is not too long to be away from then and then they still have the weekend for relaxing and doing family things. Parents who work full time must feel they have no time to relax and enjoy children on the weekend. But that may not be true, just how I see it. Some parents are also better at leaving their children and can cope with it. I went back to work when my dd was 8 months two days a week and for 6 months I almost cried everytime i left her with my parents. I missed her so much, it really hurt. nOe she is 2 and in a nursery a couple of days a week and I can easily cope with that - in fact I love it
But your answer to your question... just realised I went off track is that mums are mums and dads are dads, there is no comparison. when my dd was born I was the main person in her life until she was about 10 mths, I breastfed so we were very close. I was her food giver and hugged kissed and cooed over her all day and when daddy came home, he would also love her but I guess my love was more intense and we had a special bond as women just have that maternal love. altough i will say she now look son me and daddy as equals and sometimes prefers him to me... when I tell her off.
but not every woman is the same and alot of women are not that maternal, not saying they are bad mothers but they just dont have the deep wanting and connection to their child. i know quite a few mums like this, one i remember never seeing her feed her new born, she always passed him to daddy or whoever to feed and never really rushed to him when he cried and would quite happily carfry on chatting whilst daddy tried to console baby. But she loved her child and he is now three and he is lovely and well loved just in a different way, she is not a physically huggy kind of person and i guess her little boy get sher love in other ways.

And I'm with you HM, I'm a much nicer mum cos I'm a WOHM

I must be very right on, because I never think this - nor does DH! We both think that fathers should have far longer paternity leave, and he would love to work p/t, but his salary will always be higher than mine, so it makes sense for him to work f/t and me to work p/t.

TBH I have a bit of a problem with both parents working full time, unless they absolutely have to. IMO the best option is for one to be at home more and one to work more - doesn't matter if it's mum or dad.

LC, I breastfed DS until he was nearly 17mo and he decided he didn't want to any more (he's nearly 18mo now) - I went back to work when he was 6mo and expressed every drop of milk he drank while I was at work until he was very nearly one (when he went onto cows' milk while I was away from him).

Expressing was really hard going, and I didn't really enjoy being away from him for the first few months, but as he got bigger and I needed to express less for him, it got much easier. With the next one, I'm hoping not to go back to work as quickly because I don't want to do the expressing thing for as long again. But last time, I had to - we'd have been repossessed otherwise!

TC, I'm glad you know what I mean - not sure how I feel about mat leave atm really. But think I'll take as long as I can!

Why do you think that people are surprised that you work four days HM?

Yes - it is a shame that dads miss out.

My dh was luck to be with me for the first three months of her life because he lost his job. he did not rush out to get another one and we just went without for a while so he could cherish that time. we were very poor that year but happy!

i have no problems with mothers working part time but i just cant understand mothers working full time with a child under one years, i just cant understand how they could do it.
i would prefer to step down and budget rather than be away from my child for basically most of their life. They are asleeo by 7.30 so you get to see them a hour or so day and weekends?
I just feel the child misses out. so what if it means they have a nice house, holidays and car. why not opt for flat, camping and walking for a year? YOu would get your figure back?

hunkermunker - i have to say i admire you expressing like that, expressing is pain without the nice bits.

i also do not have a mortgage like you so your situation can not compared to mine. i understand when you have debts they need to be paid.

x

Sooner or later, this discussion will come back around to the fact that the state doesn't giive enough support to new parents. If there was better-paid, longer maternity leave available, then we wouldn't be criticising individual parents for going back to work too soon etc, when v. often they cannot afford the luxury of giving up their job/going part-time

Didn't work this much till DS was one, and haven't been on holiday since our honeymoon in 2001. We do live in a house (moved into before I knew I was pg), but not a nice one (could be, but needs work!). And we have one car, and not a new one. We do live in London though...

DB, I think people are surprised because I come across as an earth mother never be away from your kids, breastfeed till they leave home, knit your own muesli type. God knows why - I'm really not!

lovecloud, lots of mothers don't have the choice of scaling down. There is simply no option but to go back full time, because the alternative is to lose the right to go back altogether.

I see!
Earth mothers still have mortgages to pay though dont they! LOL

my two pence worth

WHO CARES???????? if you are happy and so are your kids and everything is ticjking along nicely

SOD EVERYONE ELSE

Lovecloud, you may not understand it but other women make different choices. And sometimes those choices aren't really choices at all - they're about basic survival, not about a 'nicer' standard of living. Or about your own sanity. Actually I found my first tiny baby so damn difficult that I would very happily have gone back to full-time work from around three months.

But then I'm in TC's gang: four days makes me a much nicer mother.

And LC - I know you're not getting at me And I don't feel got at, so don't worry!

Hang on, hang on, hang on. How did that get to be TC's gang, MI?

And frankly, if more fathers actually took more time to be with their children instead of claming in surveys that of course they'd like to if only their places of work would rearrange themselves...

oh I'm hugely looking forward to maternity leave HM, oh sheer bliss, bring it on, but once I'm back at work at the end of it, i know I'll love that too.

Sorry, Hunker, thought you did three!