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Why is it OK for dads to work fulltime, but less acceptable for mums to do it?

251 replies

hunkermunker · 28/09/2005 13:01

That's it really. Just pondering it. I work four days a week (three weekdays, one weekend day).

And I've had surprised looks from people that I'm working so much. But I like my job, DS is happy with his grandparents for three days a week and his dad for the other.

And I was just wondering why people don't think it's odd that dads often don't take much time off after their baby's born (two weeks isn't much!) and then work five days a week. Nobody says to DH, "Aw, you must miss your DS" like they do to me - so why is this?

I don't want a debate about WOHM and SAHM - I know there are people who couldn't do whichever one they're not and have read all that before. I just wondered about the mum/dad working thing.

OP posts:
oliveoil · 28/09/2005 14:57

Hasn't this been done before?

SAHM - D'ya wanna be in my gang
WOHM - My gang
SAHM - MY GANG!
WOHM - D'ya wanna be in MYYYYYY GANG
BOTH - ohhhhh YEAHHHHHH

Prettybird · 28/09/2005 14:59

I agree with Thomcat - I personally have never had a problem with working f/t and choose not to feel any guilt.

I went back to work when ds was 4 months old (he's now 5, so it was when maternity leave was only 4 months). I love my ds, but never felt any guilt, as I knew he was happy in at the childminder's, who was the house next door.

He only stopped going there last week, as he started full days at school (plus after school club) this week (for the past year he was been going half days - mornings at nursery and then since August at school). He has been happy there the entire time - runs in smiling, sometimes needing to be reminded to say good bye - and, just as importantly, running out smiling, with a biiiig hug for his mum or dad (whichever of us picked him up).

For the first few years of his life, both dh and I worked full time - and neither of us had any problem with that, even though we could have "afforded" to have one of us stop. For our perspectives , and the character of our son, we knew we were doing the right thing for us. And no, we don't think we missed out.

We both still loved the early mornings and the evenings from 5.30 when we picked him up, to 8 when we put him to bed. I even continued to breastfeed him till he was 13 months old, expressing at work.

As it happens, dh took a package about 3 years ago - but has used the time since to explore various other options and is currently studying (near enough full time) to be a Master of Wine. We never even considered taking ds out of the childminder's - although dh's flexibility did mean that if it were a really nice day, he could go and get ds and take him to the swing park, for example.

The one thing I have missed is "me" time: my dream has been to drop a day (or three days over two weeks), so that I have some time for myself. If I'd been able to do it before ds started school, I wouldn't even have reduced the childminder's hours - as that day would have been for me. Now some weeks, I might have chosen to take him out and go and do something together - but other weeks, I would just have used the time to relax, see friends, whatever.

Selfish? Perhaps. But ds is a loved, happy wee boy and I don't think he has missed out on anything.

Even though ds has now started school, I still dream of being able to reduce my hours - but will probably need to wait until dh starts earning again. One day it will happen .

I suppose what all that rambling comes to is while I can understand that some mothers/people can say that they don't understand how other mothers can choose to leave their children and work full time, as they themselves couldn't, I don't understand how they can judge or apparently condemn mothers who choose to do so. What is "right" for them is not necessarily right for others.

I am not a natural "earth" mother - and would go doolally if I were at home all day. I am however, still a good mother!

bosscat · 28/09/2005 15:02

Olive oil, I don't think anyone is behaving as childlishly on this thread at you suggest. Isn't MN about discussing issues like this that are important to people? Should we just talk about cooking and lipsticks?

Toothache · 28/09/2005 15:04

PB - But you're an irresponsible parent remember!?

Great post though.... couldn't have worded as good as you have!

KristinaM · 28/09/2005 15:05

One of the things I like about Mumsnet is that you get to learn a lot about mums in different situations than your own. Mums you might not meet down your street or at your work. Then you get to understand things that perhaps you might not have understood before.

Perhaps you couldn't understand why someone woudl let their 6 year old lie on the supermarket floor having a tantrum. until you read about kids with some special needs like autistic spectrum disorders.

Maybe you didnt know befroe why parents of kids with other disabilities need disabled parking. Or why anyone would "choose" to have kids or bring them up as a single parent. Or why anyone woudl "choose" to have a home birth or an elective C section. Or have fertility treatment. Or not. Or feed their baby a different way from you feed yours. Or work different hours or in different places. For money or unpaid.

If you read mumsnet carefully and thoughtfully, Lovecloud ( sic) you will learn a lot of things you didnt knwo before. It can help you be more tolerant of others and not judge them because you "dont understand".

oliveoil · 28/09/2005 15:05

Bosscat - where do I mention childish?

Toothache · 28/09/2005 15:08

KristinaM - Wow! I'm constantly amazed at how well MNer's can say things.... that message is so true and there are many MN'ers that should read and absorb your post.

Thomcat · 28/09/2005 15:09

good post PrettyBird.

KristinaM · 28/09/2005 15:10
Blush
Prettybird · 28/09/2005 15:10

Toothache - I forgot! .

You're right, I'm really a baaaaad parent (....but ds still wants me to be the one who brushes his teeth, takes him upstairs and reads him a story)

Caligula · 28/09/2005 15:13

Quite right Kristina.

But I let my kids lie on the supermarket floor having a tantrum and they're not SN!

Prettybird · 28/09/2005 15:14

So do I Caligula!

Or rather, used to, as he's now (mostly) beyond that type of tantrum.

Bugsy2 · 28/09/2005 15:15

I'm sorry I don't buy into this children "need" their mothers. Children need a reliable, loving regular primary carer - IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THEIR MOTHER!!!!!!
Breast is best but not essential, an enormous quantity of us grew to healthy adulthood without a drop of the stuff.
The reality is that society is slow to change and because mothers stayed at home for the last 80 years, we think that's the way its always been - utter rubbish!!!!

hunkermunker · 28/09/2005 15:18

OO, if you read the original post, it was about fathers working fulltime. It's, er, possibly veered off a bit, but heck, that's MN

Thomcat...sorry my love!

OP posts:
bosscat · 28/09/2005 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

oliveoil · 28/09/2005 15:23

I meant that these threads always end up with people arguing their corner and the same arguements get rehashed. No mention of childish, just your opinion of.

Prettybird · 28/09/2005 15:27

Hunkermumker - to go back to your original point, no-one has thought it odd that dh is at home at the moment. They have commented that he is lucky to have a wife who is prepared to continue to work full time to support both of us (and ds of course!) while he explores whether he can make something out of his passion (wine).

Fio2 · 28/09/2005 15:28

apart from calling thoimcat a twat I dont think lovecloud has been offensive, she has just put accross her opinion.

Honestly, we are all adults, why does someone elses opinion of you upset you that much if you believe in your own heart and life you are doing the right thing?

and sobernow having been (and I still am) in your situation, i know exactly how you feel

Toothache · 28/09/2005 15:29

PB - I'm still amazed that your DH is studying wine!

puff · 28/09/2005 15:29

My own experience of this is a lot of questions (often downright rude and nosey) about when I'll be getting back to work (am currently a full time sahm), so, kind of the opposite to the attitude you're talking about HM. If I was a full time WOHM I'm certain instead, I'd encounter the attitude you describe. Whatever our choices, there are always people who will try to "do them down".

When ds1 had just turned 2 and ds2 was about 6 weeks, someone said to me,"So, how do you fill your day?"

Purleeeaase!

expatinscotland · 28/09/2005 15:30

That's SO cool, PB!

suzywong · 28/09/2005 15:34

has this think kicked off yet?

Toothache · 28/09/2005 15:34

"i have no problems with mothers working part time but i just cant understand mothers working full time with a child under one years, i just cant understand how they could do it.
i would prefer to step down and budget rather than be away from my child for basically most of their life."

Fio2 - I find the above insulting! Just coz its an opinion doesn't mean its not offensive. For example: In my opinion abortions are entirely wrong, but I would never dream of putting that on thread on MN... because its an offensive thing to say.

Fio2 · 28/09/2005 15:37

yeh but its just her opinion

if you are happy and you ahve to work, take no notice like everyone else does

oliveoil · 28/09/2005 15:37

Toothy - I don't think it is offensive, it is just an opinion. I agree with her, that doesn't mean that I think all woman who work are shrews!

I knew there was a reason for me to stay off this damn site. Parp.