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My friend slept with a man at the weekend who took his condom off... is this sexual assault?

172 replies

colditz · 21/08/2005 21:05

She went out iwth a group of friends, and ended up in bed with this chap.

She never wants children, is a 25 year old career girl in fact, and she made it abundantly clear that he would have to use a condom, as she is not on the pill.

He really did not want to use the condom, but she managed to ensure that he did.

They had been having sex for about 5 minutes, when she realised the condom had gone missing. She kicked him off, and asked him where it was, and she found it on his side of the bed.

At this point, she got dressed and stormed out.

She says that she could tell by his reaction that it was not a mistake, he had been moaning all the way through about wearing the condom, and when they changed position (at his instigation) she thinks he took it off.

He has not spoken to her since, even though she was at his (shared) house the next day. He made himself very scarce.

Where does she stand on this legally? she is going to g to the GUM clinic this week, but she is sooooo angry, and I would be too.

OP posts:
Caligula · 22/08/2005 23:53

CSAangstfreude?

misdee · 23/08/2005 00:00

oh do it please, and let us know his reaction.

colditz · 23/08/2005 00:01

Kinderfrauderfreude !

OP posts:
colditz · 23/08/2005 00:01

Ok, but you have 9 months to wait.

OP posts:
misdee · 23/08/2005 00:03

oh we can wait. i wont forget

monkeytrousers · 23/08/2005 09:49

lol

Colditz, I don't know if it's immoral or amoral, but an discussion on morals would have to get into some uncomfortable terriory about both their actions, I think...

colditz · 23/08/2005 10:14

Why is it immoral for her to sleep with a man she fancies? She is a 25 year old single woman, he was a single man.

I fail to see the lack of morals. If you are not religious, there is nothing in our society's "Code of Honour" that states you may not sleep with people you have only just met. Inadvisable, yes. Bordering on the reckless, maybe. But don't preach morally wrong, please. Not everyone follows the same moral code.

OP posts:
Easy · 23/08/2005 10:50

Hmmm.
" there is nothing in our society's "Code of Honour" that states you may not sleep with people you have only just met."

No, Colditz, there seems not to be today. But there used to be, and I suspect that quite a few people may be happier and healthier if there still was.....

monkeytrousers · 23/08/2005 11:05

I don't make the rules Colditz! I'm just saying an open minded examination of morals would probably find both of them a bit lacking. I'm not judging her, or him even, but morality isn't just about what should be acceptable, it's what actually is or isn't IYSWIM.

I've been a bit morally dubious in my own past by the way, so it's not a condenmation!

ninah · 23/08/2005 11:06

I don't think it's morally wrong in the slightest
Deception, theft, yes
a one night stand no way

monkeytrousers · 23/08/2005 11:11

loo, no matter how far we think feminism had taken us it's still more likely a woman will be judge harshly (by whoever!) if the sleeps around than if a man does the same. I'm not talking baout how we think it ought to be, just how it is.

There are reasons for this. To understand it you can't just dismiss it.

I'm off into town BTW so if I don't reply it's nto cos I've ran away.

monkeytrousers · 23/08/2005 11:11

Sorry, typo hell!

Easy · 23/08/2005 11:35

Personally, I feel the same way about anyone who sleeps around, male or female.

ninah · 23/08/2005 11:39

me too - not bothered, as long as single

monkeytrousers · 23/08/2005 11:46

I don't either personally. But morals aren't made up of our personal preferences.

(Decided to feed DS first then go shop!)

ninah · 23/08/2005 12:16

neither is there such a thing as a uniform moral code, I don't think (unless you are religious and subscribe to the church's moral code)
In Western society all that is uniform is legality. Morals ARE left very much up to individuals, and are very disparate - albeit similar, possibly, within cohesive social groups

EnidfromtheVILLAGE · 23/08/2005 12:17

I don't think its morally wrong to have a one night stand.

I think its idiotic to sleep around and not be on the pill and use a condom.

Blu · 23/08/2005 12:32

It's completely irrelevant to make judgements about the 'morals' of people who make a mutual decision to do something for their (hopefully) mutual fun, if it neither harms nor involves anyone else.

What this man did was dishonestly destroy the mutuality in their decision, because she made it known that she would only have sex with a condom, and he removed it without her knowledge.

Whatever other decisions she made about additional contraception, how long she'd known him or indeed what colour her knickers were are of no relevance to his bloody awful behaviour, are they?

Sex with a condom and without are completely different events in terms of risks, consequences. if he couldn't 'have fun' with a condom, he should have told her that honestly and found a non-penetrative alternative - or caught the night bus home!

ninah · 23/08/2005 12:37

blu wish I was as articulate

Pruni · 23/08/2005 14:19

Message withdrawn

mummyhill · 23/08/2005 14:56

If I had been in her situation and he had been funny about using a condom I would not of got into bed with him in the first place. However I do agree that what he did was morally wrong as she consented to safe sex and he chose to take away the safety element without her consent.

monkeytrousers · 23/08/2005 15:23

I'm doing Plato and ethics in September. But most of that's about boys not women anyway..Never mind

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