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Original poster

My friend slept with a man at the weekend who took his condom off... is this sexual assault?

172 replies

colditz · 21/08/2005 21:05

She went out iwth a group of friends, and ended up in bed with this chap.

She never wants children, is a 25 year old career girl in fact, and she made it abundantly clear that he would have to use a condom, as she is not on the pill.

He really did not want to use the condom, but she managed to ensure that he did.

They had been having sex for about 5 minutes, when she realised the condom had gone missing. She kicked him off, and asked him where it was, and she found it on his side of the bed.

At this point, she got dressed and stormed out.

She says that she could tell by his reaction that it was not a mistake, he had been moaning all the way through about wearing the condom, and when they changed position (at his instigation) she thinks he took it off.

He has not spoken to her since, even though she was at his (shared) house the next day. He made himself very scarce.

Where does she stand on this legally? she is going to g to the GUM clinic this week, but she is sooooo angry, and I would be too.

OP posts:
Fio2 · 22/08/2005 12:05

he didnt come though did he?

just think it might be nice if someone reassure her that is it unlikely she would have caught anything, she must feel quite sick and petrified. i have always been very careful and it would make my skin crawl. Poor woman

Original poster
colditz · 22/08/2005 12:06

no fio2. From what she says she kicked him halfway across the room as soon as she realised he had taken the condom off.

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 22/08/2005 12:07

Isn't there a female condom now? Should we have to rely on men for this when there is a way we can ensure that we are protected ourselves?

Agree he sounds despicable

Toothache · 22/08/2005 12:08

Colditz - But having sex at all with someone you don't know is putting yourself at risk or catching something. The condom could have burst! It seems quite common, it's happened to me twice and has happened to just about everyone I know.
And I'm not making any judgements about her sleeping with this guy.... I couldn't possibly coz I've had lots of one night stands and on one or 2 occasions didn't bother with condoms at all!!!

I'm perhaps a bit dim, but I couldn't make sense of the 1st part of your post there!!! But I get the jist of it.

I'm not denying that its stupid and selfish.... but to go as far as to think it was malicious is a bit much IMO.

Fio2 · 22/08/2005 12:10

yes condoms do split an awful lot

nothing is 100%

go and give her a big hug and try and reassure everything will be ok. I really wouldnt go to the police though she will look neurotic

fairyfly · 22/08/2005 12:12

What an idiot. If his reasoning is that he can't perform then surely that is a joint decision and they say do you mind if we don't use one. Too do it sneakily is just plain seedy and revolting. Making a decision to take a risk on someones health or turn them into a parent is foolish, selfish and completely wrong. It's made me feel a bit sick so i feel for the woman involved.

As for assault though, i doubt it could be classed as that. Women pretend to be on the pill and get pregnant which isn't an arrestable offence. But to avoid speculation i would just ring and aske them. Thats what they are there for.

Original poster
colditz · 22/08/2005 12:13

By "the arms are hurting your ears", I meant the hooks of your glasses are digging into the back of your ear. Sorry, it wasn't very clear, was it.

I don't think he took it off deliberatly to infect her with anything, but I do think he deserves to be punished for taking the condom off after she specifically said "I am not on the pill. We must use a condom."

OP posts:
Fio2 · 22/08/2005 12:15

how about we all go round her house and kick him slightly to death

Toothache · 22/08/2005 12:17

We could make him wear a condom on his head until he loses consiousness.

CountessDracula · 22/08/2005 12:17

so no-one else think we can be responsible ourselves?

Original poster
colditz · 22/08/2005 12:17

But when women pretend to be on the pill (yes, a despicable thing to do), the man has to take her word for it. He can decide to use a condom anyway. You can't suddenly decide halfway through sex that your protection from the pill will cease.

what I mean is, you cannot tell from looking at someone whether or not they are on the pill. You can tell whether someone is wearing a condom. So once you can see someone is wearing it, you should be able to trust them to continue wearing it.

he wants a bloody good kicking anyway. the wanker.

OP posts:
Fio2 · 22/08/2005 12:18

well Cd, i agree but i had trouble with tampons until i was about 30

Toothache · 22/08/2005 12:18

CD - Definitely! I think quite a few posters have commented on the fact that she could've used contraception herself.

Original poster
colditz · 22/08/2005 12:19

CountessDracula, I wouldn't even know where to start with a Femidom

They are not an item sold at the average 24 hour garage either.

OP posts:
Original poster
colditz · 22/08/2005 12:20

But it isn't the pregnancy she is so worried about now. It is HIV.

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 22/08/2005 12:20

are they like tampons? Have never seen one myself

CountessDracula · 22/08/2005 12:21

Well no, but you could get one and give it a go, isnt' that what blokes do

Fio2 · 22/08/2005 12:21

they are like a tesco carrier bag with a diaphram inside

Original poster
colditz · 22/08/2005 12:23

But if you are having a one night stand, you want a barrier contraception that is tried and trusted.... such as a condom.

I have advised her to tell her sister to tell every single woman he ever goes near again what he did. He never deserves to have a girlfriend, or indeed, any sex at all.

OP posts:
fairyfly · 22/08/2005 12:29

You should never trust anyone on a one night stand in my opinion.

Fio2 · 22/08/2005 12:30

they could be a member of the mafia after all

CountessDracula · 22/08/2005 12:32

surely that is barrier?

starshaker · 22/08/2005 12:46

in addition to a post a wee while back the guy does not have to come to get you pregnant there is quite a bit of pre-come. ask any1 who uses the withdrawl method as a contraception. it does not work

also think she should tell him she has a nasty std to scare him that way he will worry for a few months that he may have caught hiv

littlesteppers · 22/08/2005 12:48

i think what he did was totally irresponsible, but she did consent to have sex with him.....i know it was safe sex she consented too.. but considering men think with their dicks and not their brains, then women who do have casual sex and are not on the pill themselves should have an alternative contaception.i.e female condom to be exta safe.

i hope you friend is ok colditz

BadgerBadger · 22/08/2005 12:49

I agree that we can protect ourselves, of course we can.

But, if the other partner involved has agreed (albeit reluctlanlty) to wear protection, then they absolutely should, all the way through.

It's not as if the femidom and condom are compatible. Someone had to take responsibility and an agreement like that shouldn't be subject to change, not without the consent of both participants.