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My friend slept with a man at the weekend who took his condom off... is this sexual assault?

172 replies

colditz · 21/08/2005 21:05

She went out iwth a group of friends, and ended up in bed with this chap.

She never wants children, is a 25 year old career girl in fact, and she made it abundantly clear that he would have to use a condom, as she is not on the pill.

He really did not want to use the condom, but she managed to ensure that he did.

They had been having sex for about 5 minutes, when she realised the condom had gone missing. She kicked him off, and asked him where it was, and she found it on his side of the bed.

At this point, she got dressed and stormed out.

She says that she could tell by his reaction that it was not a mistake, he had been moaning all the way through about wearing the condom, and when they changed position (at his instigation) she thinks he took it off.

He has not spoken to her since, even though she was at his (shared) house the next day. He made himself very scarce.

Where does she stand on this legally? she is going to g to the GUM clinic this week, but she is sooooo angry, and I would be too.

OP posts:
Pruni · 22/08/2005 14:48

Message withdrawn

Pruni · 22/08/2005 14:48

Message withdrawn

Tortington · 22/08/2005 14:50

this woman should have ripped him a new arsehole. should tell him shes rotten with ghonorea or something and shes pregnant.

he should have worn the condom. its got nothing to do with the pill - its diseases. and i have never seen a diaphram wouldnt know how to use one or if its effective against std's. a diaphram although we know of its existance isn't a standard form of contraception - in that its not what you go into chemist for or ask before a sham " got a diaphram luv?"
whereas a condom it - and besides it was a condition of the shag.

io would seek legal advice if i were her and sue him for days off work going to the std clinic - plus any legal costs incurred
fucker

Fio2 · 22/08/2005 14:52

CD was talking about the female condom custy not the diaphram

Fio2 · 22/08/2005 14:53

although i would reckon it would take me about 4 days solid to insert one, but hey-ho

suzywong · 22/08/2005 14:53

Has this thing kicked off yet?

Easy · 22/08/2005 14:54

nearly I think Suzy !!!

ark · 22/08/2005 14:57

perhaps a better thing to do would be to invite him to the std clinic with her see what his reaction is.

You are right she has every right to sleep with whom so ever she choses she is niave to think there is no risk. But the real issue is he is a turd! Hope she is okay.

Toothache · 22/08/2005 14:58

lol Ark! Well summarised!

Tortington · 22/08/2005 15:02

god i need to do a google i dont know what a female condom is. no hold on i will ask my 12 year old daughter she did sex ed last year.

ark · 22/08/2005 15:03

omg custardo !

what a website!

looks a bit scary t o me!

Easy · 22/08/2005 15:08

Ark, Pruni ... I'm not being argumentative, just devils advocate, but ...

Yes she HAS a right to go out and have sex whenever and with whoever she wants, but alongside rights we all also have responsibilites, in this case the woman has a responsibility to keep herself safe and well.

If he showed reluctance to use a condom at all, she should have stepped away from the situation. I suspect her brain wasn't fully in cotrol at that point either (thinking with her vagina maybe )

And before anyone says it, yes he had a responsibility to wear a condom, if only for his own wellbeing.

So best way to avoid the risk, don't sleep around.

Pruni · 22/08/2005 15:10

Message withdrawn

ark · 22/08/2005 15:17

Easy - I do not disagree - as I have said she has got the right to sleep around as have we all, but she would be silly to assume she is safe or to trust a stranger.

I have always found the conept of one night stands terrifying - but that is just me - for me having sex needs to be more than just shagging to be at all worthwhile. As my mum would say it needs to be making lurve [cheesy winking emotion]

Fio2 · 22/08/2005 15:19

oh no, I think we can clarify no-one on mumsnet thinks she was asking for it

what he did was vile and nasty. Put your arm round your friend colditz, take her out get her raging drunk, let her cry scream and shout and get it out of her system. I think that is more practical than taking her to the police station tbh

Then pay someone to do the bloke over

Easy · 22/08/2005 15:20

I also suspect (possibly wrongly) that if she goes into her local police station and tries to make a complaint, the attitude may well be "well, what did you expect" or "what do you expect us to do about it", or both.

Pruni · 22/08/2005 15:22

Message withdrawn

ark · 22/08/2005 15:31

Can she bear to see him again - if it were me - i would be warming up to some really annoying and intense ranting about where he has gone wrong in life and why he will never be a nice person who deserves to have a relatyionship, would make me feel better. Or I'd call his mum - hit him where it really hurts!

monkeytrousers · 22/08/2005 19:43

I've only skimmed the thread by I agree with Toothache on the whole. It's definitely not sexual assault.

As adults we enter into sexual relations with other adults knowing there are certain risks, both physical and emotional. I'm not even sure what he did was morally wrong if you consider that they were both doing it purely for fun and he couldn't have fun wearing a condom.

He was a twat though.

colditz · 22/08/2005 22:48

MonkeyTrousers!

Are you seriously telling me it is not morally wrong to remove a condom during sex without your partner's consent?!

That is like saying it is not morally wrong to get pregnant on purpose and leave the baby with an unwilling father - because that is essentially what he could have done. He could have got her pregnant, even though she made it clear he was to wear the condom throughout.

Fio2 I agree with you, I can't take her and get drunk with her because I'm pg, but will take her out for a nice meal.

For all the people worrying she is about to embroil herself in a lengthy and pointless court case, well....

The plan of action is for her to visit me in hospital after I have the baby, whip out a nighty and get into bed, hold the baby and I will take a photo. she is then going to send it to him, along with a note saying she will be contacting the csa when she leaves the hospital.

Now, this may or may not be morally right, but we think he deserves it.

OP posts:
Pruni · 22/08/2005 22:52

Message withdrawn

Caligula · 22/08/2005 23:09

Actually LOL when I read that. Inspired. When are you due? Will the dates tally?

colditz · 22/08/2005 23:21

I am due in April sometime. We are hoping he won't notice the 8 week discrepancy, and will be so scared he won't think to count properly.

We will make it look as convincing as possible. she is going to put a nighty on, and be in an obvious hospital bed. Why else would anyone be lying in a hospital bed with a baby?

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 22/08/2005 23:22

you can always take the picture, and send it to him when the dates are right....

colditz · 22/08/2005 23:28

Oh of course, duh, why did I not think of that!

Just eager for reflected revenge, I s'pose. It's like reflected glory, but nasty.

There is probably a German word that describes the glee you feel upon watching someone deserving get some come-uppance.

I have calmed down about it a bit now. I was absolutly outraged when i started this thread, she has been my best friend for 14 years.

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