Why do you think that so many people just don't consider it an option to have only one child?

[Gunnerbean]

Is it because of social pressure to conform to the "2.4 children" model?

Is it because of pressure from family?

Is it because people don't think that a family with just one child makes a "proper" family and you need more than one to have and enjoy the full "family expereince"?

Is it because people think that they are doing thier first child some awful disservice if they don't give them a sibling or siblings?

Is it because people always want to try to have one child of either sex and to do that you have to have more than just one?

Maybe it's just that people are genetically programmed to have more than one to perpetuate the species?

These days, having just one child makes sense on so many levels. Particularly financially as bringing up children has become such a huge fiancial responsibily expense and so many people want to carry on working to maintain a lifestyle and standard of living for thier family too.

It seems to me that lots of people would like to stop at just one child but that something stops them and it just got me thinking what that is...?

Great!

Gunnerbean - I have been trying really hard not to post on here because I don't want the negative sides of this thread to stay in active conversations...but... I have decided to let heart rule head.

Basically I have noticed on mn anything that can be seen to be able to be turned to hacing an only child v having several children conversation gets blood boiling! Like you, I think of it as a fun and interesting thing to discuss. Perhaps because we see others having second, third and so on babies and wonder - well what is it that is making all of my friends feel it is the right thing to do for their family when I don't have any desire to do that myself? Am I a product of modern living? woman's lib? Better education? Are they? Are we? and so on!!!!

However, there are many people with strong views and deep feelings on family size and it seems to be a dead cert. explosive topic. From my understanding so far I think publicVstate education, breastVbottle feeding, calling your child Princess Waynetta or buying a pair of crocs can also get some emotions going!!!!

Hey, Gunnerbean - Seriously there is a glass of champagne with your name on it in the tea room... come and join us anytime you fancy drinking it!

Hey teafortwo, thank god I've come across someone likeminded!

Honestly, I only started this as a general topic for conversation - I must have been so naive!! I never set out to throw myself to the wolves!

I really didn't think for a minute that it would go the way it has in places. I thought I would be safe posting it in the One Child Family area - how wrong was I?

I agree with you that it's best not to keep negative stuff active so I'll come and have that glass of champers with you in the tearoom and use it to propose a toast to one absolute wonderfulness of one child families!

obviously I meant "having" not "hacing"!!!

And I meant better education compared to say 100 years ago not that I am better edukatid than my friends with PHds (what I 'aven't got) who have many lovely children!!!!

And - Sorry I spent so long writing that, that I have x posted with your convo with Bocca!!!

And... and.... and - actually I have finished - see you in the tearoom Gunnerbean!!!

And T42 x-posts again!!!!

Ha ha ha!!!!

Sorry about that one too, Gunnerbean!

Gunnerbean wrote: "Honestly, I only started this as a general topic for conversation - I must have been so naive!! I never set out to throw myself to the wolves! I really didn't think for a minute that it would go the way it has in places. I thought I would be safe posting it in the One Child Family area - how wrong was I?"

Oh Gunner, dear, I could have warned you . I started a thread here a while back on celebrating one child families. There were lots of lovely posts but it got very unpleasant in places.

And then there was another thread I started in this topic which led to the opening of the tea room as a place of refuge ... and I'm off there now to join you in a toast to our wonderful, life-enhancing onlies

Yes, it seems to be a feature of MN life that some threads go a bit like this

First post: "I really like apples"
Posts 2 - 11: "So do I. Aren't apples great?"
Post 12: "How dare you insult the honesty and integrity of bananas! I have never seen such a banana-ist comment in my life! You are obviously only eating apples because you are too ignorant or inadequate to drag your fat self to Bananas Are Us to buy yourself a bunch. Get a life."

That sums it up in a nutshell !!

Oh the beauty of hindsight!

I think I'm going to stay in the safe haven that is the tearoom from now on - and make any comments that I do from behind the safety of one of those lovely comfy sofas!!

Bocca ... and don't forget

apples are spoilt, have no social skills and will have to look after their frail parents all by themselves. At least bananas have each other to play with ...

I can't believe some of the insensitive comments that people with more than one child have written on this thread. I almost feel like they have come on here to gloat. Ok- we know the wonderful things about having lots of kids but some of us just want to celebrate our georgeous only children.
BTW- some of the most well adjusted kids I know have been only children.
I have a sister and ok we love each other but we are not close and I don't feel like I have a comrade. Nor am I particularly well adjusted and I am spectacularly selfish!

I have to say, this whole topic really depresses me

I have an only and I feel like I've made a huge mistake not having any more children

Do you want to say any more about that, yappybluedog?

I would love to be able to give my daughter (nearly 2.5 years) a sibling but had 3 m/cs before her and 2 since. The last m/c was a couple of weeks ago at 16 weeks and will haunt me forever. As I will be 40 this year I am terrified that my daughter will face all the negative things related to being an only child that have been mentioned on this thread, especially as we are older parents. For that reason I'm going to try again. For her. I hope that I'm doing the right thing!?

My sister is 7 years younger than me and we hardly talk to each other and live opposite ends of the country. I think it would feel strange not to have her though. I imagine that knowing you are an only child is what makes you feel lonelier than you would if you have an estranged sibling? If that makes sense?

I would love to be able to give my daughter (nearly 2.5 years) a sibling but had 3 m/cs before her and 2 since. The last m/c was a couple of weeks ago at 16 weeks and will haunt me forever. As I will be 40 this year I am terrified that my daughter will face all the negative things related to being an only child that have been mentioned on this thread, especially as we are older parents. For that reason I'm going to try again. For her. I hope that I'm doing the right thing!?

My sister is 7 years younger than me and we hardly talk to each other and live opposite ends of the country. I think it would feel strange not to have her though. I imagine that knowing you are an only child is what makes you feel lonelier than you would if you have an estranged sibling? If that makes sense?

"As I will be 40 this year I am terrified that my daughter will face all the negative things related to being an only child that have been mentioned on this thread, especially as we are older parents."

Ignore the negatives things that were posted here. This is your life and your daughter's life - not anyone else's. It's up to you, DH and DD to make the life you want for your family, whether you have another child or not.

We are a one child family by choice (there are lots of us actually )and we're as valid a family as one with 10 kids. No one can avoid negative things in their lives, or their kids' lives, you just have to give them the tools to deal with it. Being terrified yourself isn't going to help.

A lot of the negative things mentioned on this thread were things that parents of more than one child imagined might be the fate of only children. There are plenty of mums of only children here (whether they have one child by choice or by force of circumstance) who can vouch that these negative things aren't inevitable. Nor, for that matter, are they the sole preserve of only children. It simply isn't true that all only children are social misfits while all children with siblings are popular and socially adept. Nothing in life is ever that simple or that predictable.

Scoopster - As you have said, not all sibling relationships are close or harmonious. And, really, who is to say that being an only child is a lonelier experience than having an estranged sibling? That isn't a comparison that can be made with any meaning as nobody can have both experiences. I am sorry to hear of your sad experiences and hope that you manage to have the second child that you want. But please don't beat yourself up by telling yourself that, if she remains an only child, your daughter is doomed to a lonely life. She isn't and, as her mother, you can make sure of that.

My own reasons:

I am one of two children. Two always seemed the norm to me. Guess I wanted to perpetuate that with my own family.

I had a boy first - and yes, I did secretly hope my second would be a girl (she was ).

I thought it might be more fun having more than one child in the house. It is (for us). I've always imagined a 'family' to include at least two children and pictured a noisy home filled with kids, I guess.

I did think it would be nice for DS to have a sibling. To be honest, though, right now he is a rambunctious 4 yr old boy and she is a sleepy little 6 mth old angel baby, so there isn't much common ground...

None of the OP's reasons. I had more than one because I was an only child (not through my parents choice) and I would not wish to deliberately inflict that on my heirs. Society and pressure absolutely nothing to do with it.

Scoopster - sorry you are feeling so bleak. Trying to have children and facing difficulties is a hard and lonely road, and you must be particularly suffering in your present situation - so sorry for you

But MadBad is right - life can be good with many or one (or no) children. Be gentle on yourself and take care

Yappy Blue -sorry you are depressed - can we help?

"I had more than one because I was an only child (not through my parents choice) and I would not wish to deliberately inflict that on my heirs."

Oh here we go ...

I am one of several and I decided that if and when I had a child, it was only going to be one

But it's reading things like the post from PrimulaVeris that makes me think I've done a great diservice to my dd, she's a great kid and I think she would have been a great big sister too

I don't think I'm going to have any more and I do feel regret about that now

Yappybluedog - I know that when one is feeling low it is very easy to be swayed by other people's opinions. But PrimulaVeris's view (to which she is of course perfectly entitled) is just one among many. Who is to say that your decision, based on your own life, is any less valid?

If you ever want to drop into the tea room to chat, we'd be glad to see you. We do seem to have spent a lot of time recently larking about with windsurfing bishops, but we also mull over what it means to be (and how we feel about being) the parent of an only child.

Probably a bit late but I'm going to add in my bit too - my Mum was always moaning on and on about being an only child and how I should be grateful that she gave me my brother and sister.
Well I'm not. I don't have anything to do with my brother at all and I only really started to find common ground with my sister when she was getting married - we see each other but not very often and we are not particularly close, although if in trouble we would help each other out.

I don't think you SHOULD choose to have one or more than one child "for the sake of the child" because you have initially NO IDEA what the child itself wants. Given the choice, I would have preferred to be an only but my Mum didn't want me to feel the same way as she did - projecting her negative feelings onto me - WRONG thing to do, imo.

Make your choice according to how YOU and your partner feel about it, not second-guessing from the child's point of view.

I think I would be happy with just the one child but my DH is determined that we should have 2 so that it mirrors his own good experience, so we are trying for #2.

thank you MadBadandDangerousToKnow

I may do that (one day )