Why do you think that so many people just don't consider it an option to have only one child?

[Gunnerbean]

Is it because of social pressure to conform to the "2.4 children" model?

Is it because of pressure from family?

Is it because people don't think that a family with just one child makes a "proper" family and you need more than one to have and enjoy the full "family expereince"?

Is it because people think that they are doing thier first child some awful disservice if they don't give them a sibling or siblings?

Is it because people always want to try to have one child of either sex and to do that you have to have more than just one?

Maybe it's just that people are genetically programmed to have more than one to perpetuate the species?

These days, having just one child makes sense on so many levels. Particularly financially as bringing up children has become such a huge fiancial responsibily expense and so many people want to carry on working to maintain a lifestyle and standard of living for thier family too.

It seems to me that lots of people would like to stop at just one child but that something stops them and it just got me thinking what that is...?

i'm just like naturalbornmum, one of three and very self cntred, dh an only and is lovely, dar more giving than i'll ever be! probably as he didn't need to prove himself and fight for attention as a child.

What a depressing thread this has turned out to be and how painful it must be for those MNs on this topic who would love more children to read some of these comments.

My DH and I wanted just one child and are delighted with DD and our happy family of three.

I have 5 gorgeous children, and if I had more money, a bigger house and a bigger car I wouldn't stop!

However, I often think that my ds1 would have preferred being an only child.

He seems to be very much the odd one out, and craves, the most of everything, time, money, food (lol)

but they all love each other, and get along most of the time.

My sister has only one little boy, and I often think she has it harder than me.... She is everything to hers, playmate, mum (and dad as she is a single mum) etc etc

oh and sorry for the hijack but ProfYaffle someone said you live near me!

odd question really, not everyone is able to choose, for whatever the reason

I've only been pg once, but with twins, both girls, - financially crippling, but at least the ready made playmate is the same age

In Italy the normal is now to have one child. I am not sure what makes the UK different to Italy but I suspect that it is primarily economic policy.

Families are bigger in France and there are economic incentives for larger families there.

FA - Don't worry you weren't being insensitive at all I was just writing how I feel really. I am very happy things have worked out for you and I know that my mum and uncle who mhad a 4 year age gap were very close as adults so things will improve as your children get older I'm sure. The fact that your ds1 makes sacrifices to play with his brother is a great start and means they will probably have a great relationship in the future.

Subtlemouse- That may be true I suppose, nonetheless I'd have loved some more so the sadness is def there for me. You may be right about ds playing alone more as he gets older - I hope so anyway.

Acynonyx - exactly

Thankyou Lazycow. I really appreciate your comments. Let's hope you're right!

Flight
age gap comes and goes in importance.
This holiday my 15 year old son and 6 year old Dd have played together so much I have barely seen DD ( DS still appears upstairs hourly to glare at the fridge ).
I am sure next week she will be annoying again but most of the time they are great friends.

FWIW I felt no pressure to have any specific number of children. I think that is balls tbh.
People ultimately do what they want to. Which is as it should be.

Thankyou paggy, how lovely to hear that

I wish I'd got on better with my sister, who was 21 months older than me. I guess it depends on the children in question and how the grown ups kind of set them up with each other, too - maybe...

I mean it works or it doesn;t, kinda thing...

Well, I'm approaching this from the perspective of someone who hoped to have two children but (as it turns out) was immensely lucky to beat the odds and have one.

I take the point that very many people have their second (or third or fourth) child because they want to, but I think OP has raised some interesting questions about what it is that makes us want the number of children that we do. I wonder whether part of it is just internalising so much of what we see when we are very little: all of my friends had siblings, in our school reading books, the families always consisted of mummy, daddy and a boy and a girl, and so on. I can't think of any child's book which was around in the distant days of my childhood which portrayed a family with one child (unless it was someone who had been orphaned in tragic circumstances). So, to some extent, we are conditioned from an early age to think that families have two or more children.

Anyway, in RL I know one woman who wanted just one child and stopped at one.

I like a noisy house! Probably says something about my lack of social skills that I can't wait for my 3 to be old enough to have friends dropping round. Wanna hang with teenagers to feel younger.
3 is enough for me though, DH and I are already trying to work out how to organise 1-to-1 time with all of them, don't need any more guilt.

I don?t think you can label the reasons and divide us all up into neat little analytical boxes.

Sometimes there is no thought behind it, other times it is down to luck, bad luck, medical intervention, a whim, a longed for decision, a total suprise, carefully thought through plan.. list goes on.

Personally I think the idea that people aim to have X number of children due to social pressures the most unlikely reason of all.

DH and I only wanted one child, and that is what we have, and are very happy with. As it turns out, it took quite a few mcs to have DS, so having another would have been difficult to contemplate - but I have no urge whatsoever to have another baby - no broodiness at all. And when I had an irrational thought that I might be pg a few months ago, it was total dread that came over me.

We have friends with a 'planned' only too.

Also it depends how young your youngest one is because it's hard to visualise more if it's just a baby. For me my last dose of broodiness didn't kick in until the middle one turned 2. Up til then I was adamant and horrified at the idea of another. Once it was statistically impossible to have 2 under 2, the thoughts crept in and the hormones went crazy.
My DH is having the snip on Monday - I will probably get broody again in 18m time but that doesn't mean I want 4 kids.

We have one, and although I toyed with the idea of having another when DD was about 7 months (eek!) it has never really a great need or wish for us. As time goes on and DD is 2.6 the idea of having another one just seems increasingly not for us. I do think that has been helped by the fact that as DD's personality has emerged I have seen that she is quite an independent little girl and is happy to go her own way and play on her own. I just can't imagine ever being pregnant again, and we tried for over a year for DD, the broodiness took over my life then.

That said, I wouldn't be against adopting another another child once DD is older, so I'm not sure which category that puts me in?

I think that so many people believe all the stereotyping that surrounds only children:

they will inevitably be spoilt, won't share, be selfish, be oddballs who can't socialise, throw hissy fits when all the purple Quality Street are taken etc...

having siblings doesn't give you the moolpoly on being a well-balanced paragon of virtue. Nor does it mean that that you won't be spoilt/nasty/rude/weird/selfish *delete as applicable (or even all of those things). Some of the oddest and most obnoxious people I know have siblings - and some, plenty of them!

only children are lonely children...

not necessarily true - people just imagine they are. In fact, many children who have siblings are lonely because they get bored to death of only having their sibligs to play with. As someone here has already said, one of their reasons for having another child was to "create a ready made playmate" for their existing child. They can get bored to death of one another and sick of the sight of one another too - it's also hard for the younger one as the older one grows up and doesn't want little brother/sister in tow anymore. It's hard for the younger one to take the rejection and they don't understand it when they've been welded together for x number of years.

They carry all the weight of parental expectation on their shoulders...

That totally depends on the parents and can be just as true of children with siblings. If you're the sort of parent who is inclined to boast and brag to friends and family about your kids' achievements and live your life vicariously through them that's going to happen to your kids anyway - no matter how many of them you've got. If like me you're laid back and not that way inclined at all, you'll be like it with only one child, or 10 of them. Luckily I don't judge success on how many piano gradings my son has or whether he obtains 20 A* GCSEs or makes it to university.

They will always have someone when they grow up...

There are countless brothers and sisters around who literally can't stand the sight of one another and would quite happily never wish to clap eyes on them again given the choice. When children grow into adults they make their own way in life and make their own friends and relationships. Who is to say that my only son won't end up in a relationship with someone who has a huge family or that he won't decide to have 8 kids of his own and create his own huge family? He wouldn't be alone them would he? No one knows what the future holds and you can't make any assumptions about it.

They will be able to look after us together when we're old...

In these days of ageing populations you're never more than 30 feet away from someone who moans endlessly about how they look after their ageing mother/father tirelessly with absolutely no help whatsoever from their miserable, uncaring, selfish bastard of a brother/sister or brothers/sisters.

And finally, I'd happily swap my selfish useless cow of a sister for bags of money tomorrow if it could be arranged. I'm sure there are many out there who would happily do the same too

Good points, Gunner.

for me I just desperately wanted to have a 2nd (and would like a 3rd).
Ex, who after 1st was here only wanted one - and in reality probably didn't want any - had a 2nd because of me.

Nothing to do with expectations - everything to do with my needs/wants.

we both just wanted more than one.

we have three.

if i didn't have such difficult pregnancies, weren't so old and didn't have PND we'd have another.

cazboldy someone was talking about me? Blimey, I thought I was among the ranks of the MN invisible! Just had a quick look at your profile and we're in the same county. There are a meagre handful of us around here.

I grew up an only child and knew from that experience I wanted to have more than one myself! My parents both died when I was in my 20s, and I find it pretty hard sometimes having no-one left who shares the memories of my childhood. I'm now expecting baby number 4 so my children will not be in the same boat!
I think if you do only have one child it's important not to move around too much (if that's at all possible). We moved all over the place (including to different countries) when I was a child and as a result I still find it difficult to establish long term friendships. Having one child can be fine i think, but you need to remember that they'll need to form sibling style relationships with someone else (eg. cousins or friends).

I completely agree with you mersman, as an only myself. Dh and I have decided to stay in one place after moving around frequently, in order for dd to have a stable environment and hopefully stable friendships. I myself rely on those friendships to anchor me in the past as you suggest (both my parents are dead too).

I think there is social pressure to have more than one. I'm a GP, and I have one son. I have photos of him on my desk, and I've lost count of the number of times patients have said to me "still only got the one have you? Better have another quickly or he'll be spoilt". It makes me cross actually, especially as I had IVF to have him, so it's not such a simple thing for me.

There is definitely social pressure. My BIL took me aside yesterday to tell me that child number 2 and 3 were much much easier than child number 1, and so I shouldn't be put off having more kids. He has 4. I have one. I had SPD such that I couldn't walk for months, and PND which made me suicidal. I really cannot begin to countenance voluntarily putting myself through that again. My MIL, mother and strangers (like RachelG's patients) have both offered similar comments that I am selfish to not give DD a sibling. It has got to the stage that I think I need to say I am infertile, as fear of crippling pain and depression aren't enough for them. Even though I can't see how they would be any good for my DD. I think I could find myself where Wispa is- Wispa I really feel for you.

Also, my brother and I barely talk, and I know some very unselfish lovely onlies. (Though I also know some complete brats ). I think Gunner makes some good points.

ProfYaffle I mean closer than that - I live very close to Long Stratton