Why do you think that so many people just don't consider it an option to have only one child?

[Gunnerbean]

Is it because of social pressure to conform to the "2.4 children" model?

Is it because of pressure from family?

Is it because people don't think that a family with just one child makes a "proper" family and you need more than one to have and enjoy the full "family expereince"?

Is it because people think that they are doing thier first child some awful disservice if they don't give them a sibling or siblings?

Is it because people always want to try to have one child of either sex and to do that you have to have more than just one?

Maybe it's just that people are genetically programmed to have more than one to perpetuate the species?

These days, having just one child makes sense on so many levels. Particularly financially as bringing up children has become such a huge fiancial responsibily expense and so many people want to carry on working to maintain a lifestyle and standard of living for thier family too.

It seems to me that lots of people would like to stop at just one child but that something stops them and it just got me thinking what that is...?

No social pressures here and none of the following are "Reasons" per se but they're informing my thinking about going from one to more at the moment. I have one, DS aged 3.5, who I adore. I'm considering having another despite monstrous birth, no sleeping through, and then only occasioally, until DS hit 2. Finally in last year enjoying some kind of return to normality with a child rather than a baby. DS really, really wants a sibling and adores other children and talks non stop about brothers and sistes and wants his cousins to be brothers and sisters. I'm v interested to see what DH and I would produce this time around how the same two people could produce something different from exaclty the same kind of originations. I can't believe I'll love another child as much as DS, but am sure I will and want to know how it will be to love two until you burst not just one. The human capacity for love I guess.

I was one of three and one died aged 30. I was incredibly grateful to have my brother to share the loss of a sibling and to share the emotional care of my parents. If I'd have been an only the pressure would have been enormous, not unbarable, but much bigger sole responsibility. The same goes for caring for elderly parents. I look forward to similar sibling support emotionally when my parents die and will appreciate someone else who can share, in the closest way possible to me, what it means to lose them. The silly little things, comments and moments I'll miss with them not here.

Your siblings are some of the only people that you're likely to know or have known for the whole of your life.

DH and I grew up with bros and sisters, and that´s why we wanted more than 1 child (as we love our bors and sis more than anyone).

It´s more fun I think (also more work).

It´s important to have siblings when bad things happen in the family (like death of parent(s), that sort of thing is hard as an only child.

Loving number 1 soooo much, and feeling I had enough love for another one.

It was NOT for any of the reasons you mentioned at all!

I honestly don't know. We have friends who have a planned only child, and when they talk about their lack of desire for another, I sometimes think, gosh I wish I felt like that, as I find pregnancy utterly horrendous, and the whole childbearing process more heartbreaking and fraught than I could have imagined. I'm not very close to my sister, though my DH is very close to his despite a biggish age gap.

My first child was stillborn, then we had DS. I'm now 22 weeks with a baby who has a (completely unrelated) problem which may mean s/he survives fine with a small operation or the child may not survive; we're waiting to find out how his/her condition has progressed and what the outlook will be.

I don't think I'll ever feel like my family is complete; there will always be a bit missing. We had our sights set on 3 children, but if this one survives we will probably stop at two as we've both had enough stress and agonising.

There is probably a tiny part of me that is just totally stung by the comments made by mums of more than one, patronising those with one. Maybe they wouldn't hurt if we were totally happy with a plan for one child, or maybe it's just because I DID have two children and most people I meet will never know that. I don't know.

All I know is I really really feel the need to have more than one child, despite the fact it would be far far easier for us to have stopped with DS. I also feel if this child dies as well, then I will have to try again. Otherwise there will be too much weight of expectation on DS, from family and friends and from himself.

Sorry. Shall shut up now.

Georgiemama, please show me where I've criticised anyone else's choices to have more than one child? Maybe you're the one inferring criticism around here...?

Yes, I hold my hands up to criticising one person's assumptions (Quality Street person's) - and feel vindicated in so doing when they are so patently ridiculous.

I have not inferred a criticism of my choices from other people holding differing opinions, I have simply responded to some of the misconceptions and stereotypes that are clearly out there and are peddled about only children

In the light of such comments, I think it is only natural to become a little defensive (and perhaps even a little scathing)- I am sure that the legendary Mrs Duggar would get defensive too if I were to infer that she was in some way selfish to have 18 children (not that I would of course )

MrsBoring - I can assure you that, speaking as a person who has only had one child by choice, the patronising comments made by mums of more than one still sting, hence my need to get a little defensive. I truly do hope that your little one's operation is succssful and that you get the much wanted sibling for your little boy. I wish you lots of luck with whatever the future holds for you.

JillyDix - what a lovely positive story of being an only child. I truly believe that life is enriched by anyone who is close to us and that doesn't have to be just family. My DH is the youngest of 8 children and hated the experience, sadly he has few happy memories of his childhood. It is actually a major part of what informed our decision to have just one child. I have one sister and didn't have strong feelings either way but he was quite adamant.

I absolutely love your comment "there is nothing "only" about stopping at one" - it sums up my experience in a nutshell - brilliant!!

Me and dp were not going to have any children, truthfully, i wasnt too keen on them. I was the eldest of 5 myself, and the girls in my family always had loads of kids, so when i was a teenager, i would always get lumped with them. When i was 26 ish, god knows what happened, but started getting terribly broody, going into shops looking at baby clothes, getting jealous of pregnant women, so after 2 years of trying to think of it as a phase, we planned our pregnancy and now have a 5 month ol dd. I assumed that that would be the end of broodiness, as i had what i wanted. Am surprised to find that infact it makes it worse!! for me anyway. i think dp would be happy with one, but since dd has been about 6 weeks, the obsessive broodiness has come back. Can anyone answer does it go away??! so am now planning on another when dd is 3, i just cant imagine not having the experience of another child, even though its hard sometimes.

Thank you MrsMerryHenry and Gunnerbean

I've said my bit on this thread but just wanted to send good wishes (and a prayer, if you're comfortable with that) to mrsgboring.

Oh Bocca, thank you too. Prayers are very welcome. I'm an extremely rubbish Christian but have people of quite a few different faiths praying for us at the moment, for which I'm very grateful.

Gunnerbean, I appear to have killed your thread. I do apologise.

Mrsgboring - over on religion and spirituality, they keep a running list of people who would welcome a prayer. I think this is the most recent one. You could add yourself to the list, if you wish.

Also, please do drop into the tea room for a restorative mug of hot chocolate and a muffin.

my friend is an only and was very firm on having one child too, she did.

i'd rather have more than one, but second has not arrived.

my family is fairly close and i think it is a shame that ds won't have shared experiences in the way that i do with sibs. so i put a lot of effort into making sure he knows his cousins.

Fishie - that stork can be very tardy, alas. We also are lucky in that dd has cousins who live nearby and who we see as often as we can.

I don't have any expectations to burden my one DD with. I'd just like her to be as lovely as JillyDix seems to be and as spunky as Gunner .

There have been some very smug and judgemental posts on here from mums of many. Especially those who think their kids will be there for each other when their parents get frail or die. Sadly, they shouldn't bet on that happening.

Well, I think we need to concede that children with siblings at least have the possibility that those siblings will be there for them when parents get frail or die. But that is by no means a certainty, as a lot of personal testimonies in this topic and elsewhere on MN show. I am hoping that dd's cousins, friends or partner will be there for her when we shuffle off this mortal coil.

I don't think anyone's been smug or judgemental from either position on this thread (but then I can be remarkably thick-skinned, sometimes). The way I see it, if you have more than one child you do NOT give them a guarantee of childhood companionship, or of support in adulthood, or of help to care for you in your old age. You give them a chance of that, with a sibling or siblings. Those of us with one child, don't give our children a chance of that WITH SIBLINGS. We can do our best to equip them with the qualities that will help them to find that support in other people - other relatives, friends, partners.

PS my mum (only) and I (eldest of two by four years) have been known to square up over the last purple Quality Street ...

completely understand wanting and being completely satisfied with only one child. i have two and love both dearly but have found it quite challenging. i have found limits to my patience that i never thought i would have and think i would have been able to give a lot more to either one than both as living in a whirlwind of really rubbish mothering rather than the caring, play dough making , annabelle karmel cooking, fingerpainting, non conceal make up wearing mother of yesteryear

Fab name, isittooearlyforgin. We have some in the tea room.

ds1 was an only child for 7 and a half years. we had only planned to have one, we withstood comments from family and friends about when were we going to have the next one etc etc. we could afford to do things comfortably with ds1 etc and never felt any less of a family for having one child.
ds2 was a surprise but welcome. ds1 wasnt to happy about it but got used to the idea, Now we have ds2, ds1 says he prefers it now that he has a brother and says it was boring before(some time he says he hates him when he breaks his lego up though!lol but soon loves him again). although there is a bit of an age gap they can still play together and its teaching ds1 all about how much it will changehow much work it is for when he has children.

as for hoping siblings will stay together later on in life, although it would be lovely to think they will stay close and be there for each other, it doesnt always work that way. dp and his brother have hardly any contact at all now (bil lives in states)and i only see my brother once in a blue moon, or talk to him if he is on facebook at same time. so no im not relying on them looking after each other when were gone.

for me, the power of hind sight is a wonderful thing. dd1 and ds fight all the time and is nightmare - wonder if is good to have gone from one to two but on other hand if dd had had no child would have wondered if she'd have missed out on sibling - either way would have been fine, can spend hours agonising but it all works out for the best

congrats to jillydix for the lovely, warm, sensible post which cheered me up no end. Am currently wrestling with broodiness v health and other issues over whether to try for number 2, and feeling lots of overwhelming and conflicting emotions. so your post was very welcome.
hugs and best wishes and hopes for mrsg too.

I'm so glad to log back in to see such lovely heartwarming posts here - especially yours dontcallmebaby - my sentiments exactly expressed in a far more articulate form than I could ever manage!

Thank you Gunner, I have been mulling it over for some time!