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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

Why do you think that so many people just don't consider it an option to have only one child?

180 replies

Gunnerbean · 29/12/2008 00:58

Is it because of social pressure to conform to the "2.4 children" model?

Is it because of pressure from family?

Is it because people don't think that a family with just one child makes a "proper" family and you need more than one to have and enjoy the full "family expereince"?

Is it because people think that they are doing thier first child some awful disservice if they don't give them a sibling or siblings?

Is it because people always want to try to have one child of either sex and to do that you have to have more than just one?

Maybe it's just that people are genetically programmed to have more than one to perpetuate the species?

These days, having just one child makes sense on so many levels. Particularly financially as bringing up children has become such a huge fiancial responsibily expense and so many people want to carry on working to maintain a lifestyle and standard of living for thier family too.

It seems to me that lots of people would like to stop at just one child but that something stops them and it just got me thinking what that is...?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

beanieb · 29/12/2008 11:06

Surely the absolute best right on thing to do would be to have one and tehn adopt as many others as you are allowed?

beanieb · 29/12/2008 11:08

have to disagree with "particularly financially as bringing up children has become such a huge fiancial responsibily expense and so many people want to carry on working to maintain a lifestyle and standard of living for thier family too" bringing up a child now, is no more expensive than bringing up a child in the 70's or beyond. People have this weird idea that they have to give children everything they want rather than everything they need.

Personally I think having a sibling is much more beneficial to a child than having lots of money.

Sadly as I am so old I will only be able to have one child if any

Tinker · 29/12/2008 11:16

I had 2 because I wanted another one with a new partner, not really for any of teh reasons you've cited.

kikid · 29/12/2008 11:18

I think mother nature has a way of creeping up on you, we are programmed genenticallly to reproduce and procreation is the meaning of life...

Tinker · 29/12/2008 11:18

The upheaval to your life happens with the first child so another later on isn't such a culture shock really

Tinker · 29/12/2008 11:19

I also know a few people expecting again who will have 10 year age gaps. In one case, she was definitely stopping at 1...

Reallytired · 29/12/2008 11:20

I have one child who is nearly seven years old and I am 24 weeks pregnant. The OP might change her mind just has I have done. For quite sometime we just wanted one child. However my son was desperate for a sibling and my hormones were making me broody.

It is nonsense that only children are spoilt. There are plenty of families who never say no to their children who have more than one. I know quite a few only children, who are only children for various reasons.

For example my son's best friend lost a sister and his parent's are grieving too much to consider having another child.

I think that only children are often under intense pressure to suceed. All their parents' dreams and aspirations ride on one child. It is not always a pleasent thing to have all your parents' effort, time, money and resources thrown at you and then you still can't achieve what your parents want due to lack of ablity.

I also think its very hard for an only child when their parents die and there is no one to grieve with.

DaddyJ · 29/12/2008 11:35

No pressure here, let alone from 'society' -
we just thought it would be fun
The more the merrier and all that.

NCBirdy · 29/12/2008 11:37

I don't think that only children are spoilt but I do think they miss out on something, in fact I cannot see how anyone can claim they don't! They miss out on having a sibling - and all that goes with that, the good, the bad an the ugly.

I cannot say that the benefits of having a sibling outways the benefits of being an only because I am not sure they do (not having an only to test the theory with!).

Personally, I wouldn't have wanted my dcs to be the only ones, for me, sibling relationships are far more important than having a new bike every year or undivided parental attention.

LiffeyeRamhairAnois · 29/12/2008 11:44

I thnk a poster has already mentioned this but there is a quiet voice in the backs of our subconscious telling us to carry on reproducing, even when we're not sure we can cope/afford the children we've got.

Logically, sensibly, practically, I was an idiot to have a 2nd child. So glad I did though, now it's all the other stuff around us that needs to be fixed. But dc2 is part of me now and not part of the problems that make life hard not plain sailing.

Wispabarsareback · 29/12/2008 11:45

I wish I'd only had one. DD2 has turned our lives upside-down, and not in a good way.

I was certain for quite a while that I was completely happy just to have DD1 - but a combination of DD1's requests for a baby sister and weird hormones meant that we decided to take the plunge. I really wish we hadn't - I love DD2, of course, but if I had my time over I wouldn't have had her.

ketal · 29/12/2008 11:48

Is it because people think that they are doing thier first child some awful disservice if they don't give them a sibling or siblings?

Probably this is the one that comes closest to me. I wanted more than one, for two reasons...

A permanent playmate for my DD1. Given that when they wake at 6.30 - they'll happily play together quietly until we get up at around 8 - 8.30, that was one reason for me. In fact, they play together all the time - so to have a permanent playmate is a real bonus, as I don't have to be that playmate all the time!

It gives them another relationship other than just from older generations. I'm lucky that my DDs are very close. Enough for my DD1 to say that her sister is the most important person to her in the whole wide world - yes, she even says that loves her sister more than she loves me. DD2 cries whenever DD1 goes out without her - they really are inseperable. If it stays this way, I think it would be nice for them to have "family" after I /their father have died - as an adult.

It will help to share the burden if I get old / frail. I think parents can be a real burden and that burden does fall to the only child if there is one - have witnessed that first hand, so it is nice to be able to share the burden (not a major part of my decision making process, but a bit of one).

But I think my major reason was when a friend of mine, who is an only child said to me, "When my parents die, I've got no-one". That stuck me as very sad, she certainly was sad about that fact and I didn't want that for my DD1.

Those were my genuine reasons. I didn't give a stuff about expectations, or family or costs or whatever. I don't think I even had my second child 'for me' so much as for DD1. But I can see that there are different strokes for different folks and no way is the right way, we all have our own personal motivations and things that are right for us individually. For me, 2 girls was perfect. I'm not planning on having any more.

NCBirdy · 29/12/2008 11:48

Wispa, that is a very sad situaion to be in. I really hope that things become easier in the long run, regretting the birth of a wanted child must be an awful feeling

Lazycow · 29/12/2008 12:08

flightattendan - In answer to your question about how people cope with desperately wanting another but not being able to. I don't really. In fact I sometimes wish I'd never had ds as I personally find having one child means you have very few of the benefits of being childless and and none of the benefits of having children (note the plural) eg - big noisy household, with different people to play with and argue with etc

Ds (4 years old) is completely unable to play by himself for more than 10 mins and even then needs constant input. He really doesn't enjoy too many quiet activities and is never happier than when there are lots of people around. In fact he is fantastic at sharing his toys (despite being an only) becauue he would MUCH rather play with someone than with things.

For a child like this I think being an only is very hard even if he doesn't know any different. Also for me as someone who would much rather have a large noisy household having only one is in many ways a constant reminder of what I can't have.

I knoiw this sounds ungrateful because many bpeople can't have one but much as I love ds I

NOT- This is true for me but I know many others are happy with one child and I think that is fine. For me though it definitely feels incomplete and that is hard to live with on a daily basis.

subtlemouse · 29/12/2008 12:40

I have one. Have no desire to have another one. I've never met anyone (other than MIL) who has been rude enough to suggest a) that I should have more or b) that DS is in any way deprived by our choice.

Lazy, that's v sad as it is not your choice, but are you sure you are not projecting your disappointment onto your DS? All 4yr olds need constant input and can't play by themselves for long. He'll develop self-reliance as he gets older, probably more for being a singleton.

naturalbornmum · 29/12/2008 12:54

My 1st was a wonderful surprise, 2nd was because I HAD to have another (broody) and now PG with 3rd - again HAD to have another.

My DH is an only and is the kindest, loveliest bloke ever. I am 1 of 3 and much more self centred.

naturalbornmum · 29/12/2008 12:56

I don't know anyone in RL who chose to have only 1 either!

Colbeck · 29/12/2008 13:10

Because one child does not conform to their view or expectations of family life.

ChristmasFairySantAsSLut · 29/12/2008 13:12

Hm, surely there are as many reasons as there are people for whatever you choose (i.e. an only or several children)....

I think it would be impossible to make any assumptions, lol...

Originally I always thought I would have 2 children (a boy and a girl, of course....lol)...than after es we first were desperate to have another asap, and than went through a phase of just keeping him an only...than changing our mind again (blardy hormones)....so, when he was almost 6 1/2 I had his younger brother....and he was such a good baby (and of course I still blame them blardy hormones) and we had another child....ds 3 was born when es was 8 and a bit and ms was 21 month....!
Not sure if we have always made a completely responsible decision, lol....but it certainly weren't social pressures, etc....lol...

I know several people with onlies...some by choice some by default, and I know equally many with the typical 2 and knows just as many that have more than 2....and well....as long as it is what people want surely it really don't matter whatever

naturalbornmum · 29/12/2008 13:16

Ketal

I am so with you on the playing together thing. Mine wake around 7 and play until around 8 - then I get up - it is fabulous!

ChristmasFairySantAsSLut · 29/12/2008 13:18

hmm naturalbornmum....see...my younger 2 are 4 and 6 now, and whilst they are doing more and more playing together...they still mostly fight....sigh

Flihgtattendant · 29/12/2008 14:02

Hi lazycow

I'm really sorry if I was insensitive in any way. I didn't think very carefully before posting, I should have.

I'm sorry you feel so unhappy. I can empathise - ds1 was 4 before I had ds2 and his loneliness was palpable, and he really needed me to play with him and give him attention a lot and I found it awful and pretty heartbreaking. He is happier now he has a little brother but it was too big a gap really - they do have a way to play together but it isn't too easy and ds1 has had to make a lot of sacrifices to enable the relationship.

LiffeyeRamhairAnois · 29/12/2008 14:07

Ketal, at the same time as a lot of sleb mothers were criticised for having children as accessories I guess I had one as an accessory for my dc1. Not quite as simplistic as that, but everything on your list struck a chord. I did it for the child I already had more than for me.

for MY life it didn't make sense. I could be back at work earning now, independent, if I hadn't had a dc2. I set myself back 5 yrs by having a second really. I still don't regret it exactly but I know it wasn't a sensible decision to have dc2.

Acinonyx · 29/12/2008 15:44

Lazycow - I feel very much the same. I think some children are better suited to being onlies and we have a dd who cannot play alone for a minute and needs constant company. I was an only myself but I played alone a lot more.

I also know what you mean about losing the benefits of being childfree. I don't regret having dd (had much trouble getting her) but we have totally turned out lives inside out as a consequence and it seems a shame not to be able to have more now that all that ground work is done. If we have to stay home nights with one child - why not with 2 or more??

I don't know anyone who had more children who didn't actually want more children. They may have been ambivalent because they knew the costs as well as teh benfits - but they wanted them all the same.

naturalbornmum · 29/12/2008 15:58

Christmas fairy - mine argue alot too - but for some reason in the morning they don't - prehaps are too sleepy?

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