Why do you think that so many people just don't consider it an option to have only one child?

[Gunnerbean]

Is it because of social pressure to conform to the "2.4 children" model?

Is it because of pressure from family?

Is it because people don't think that a family with just one child makes a "proper" family and you need more than one to have and enjoy the full "family expereince"?

Is it because people think that they are doing thier first child some awful disservice if they don't give them a sibling or siblings?

Is it because people always want to try to have one child of either sex and to do that you have to have more than just one?

Maybe it's just that people are genetically programmed to have more than one to perpetuate the species?

These days, having just one child makes sense on so many levels. Particularly financially as bringing up children has become such a huge fiancial responsibily expense and so many people want to carry on working to maintain a lifestyle and standard of living for thier family too.

It seems to me that lots of people would like to stop at just one child but that something stops them and it just got me thinking what that is...?

I'm coming back late to this Gunnerbean but I can't understand you at all. Who said that you were criticising people for having more than one child? I didn't say that anywhere in my posts.

My point is that what you see as ridiculous are some people's perfectly valid reasons for not wanting to have an only child. You asked, and didn't like the responses. This is strange behaviour.

Having seen a firend at Uni who was an only shoulder the burden alone of her mother dying from cancer and looking after her father, I vowed that I would never have an only child.

This was despite the fact that I don't particularly get on with my brother!

However, I had ds when I was 39 and have had two miscarriages sicne then, so I am now having to accept that at 47, it is unlikely I will be able to have another

Fortunately, ds is excellent at playing by himself and we do also work hard to make sure he sees a lot of his cousins, so that he does feel part of an extended family. We are also strong on discipline, so hopefully he won't grow up too spoilt!

Georgiemama

You said:

"How did you expect the thread to go? Because you seem to infer a criticism of your choices from other people holding differing opinions, and resent it, yet you are happy to criticise other people's choices and assumptions."

I think it's clear to see that you did accuse me of criticising other peoples' choices and as the whole thread is about people deciding to have more than one child, I can only assume that the "choices" to which you are referring are to have more than one child.

Anyway, now we've got that out of the way, I repeat that I have not remotely criticised ayone else's choices to have more than one child, nor would I ever and I will invite you once more to show me if you can find anywhere in this thread that I have done so.

I admit, I have criticised some people's assumptions and I am happy to do that for the reasons I've already given.

If anyone is displaying strange behaviour it's you because you clearly just hammer out responses before taking the time to read and digest and reflect on what other peoples have said.

I'm trying to read your comments but all I can hear is blah blah blah.

Other people are just having a light hearted discussion of the factors that led them to make the choices (or not choices) that they have about their families. Why not join in?

I think it is true that people would rather have more but stop for various reasons, rather than people want less but carry on because of whatever reason.
Although after I had DD I finally understood why people choose to have one. I looked at my baby and realised that if I never had another, I would be absolutely fine.

But... I came from a large family and though I am not very close to my parents I am very close to my siblings. So I decided to go through the pain of labour again so that(as someone else said) my DD would have an 'ally'. Who knows how mad DH and I really are underneath it all! Who knows how mad any parents are! I know mine certainly were't sane, and it was really really good to have my siblings to share a laugh about my parents' "idiosyncracies" !! So I would say that that is the main reason why I'm having another. So DD experiences what its like to have a sibling.

There is no feeling more fantastic - imho - than watching my two children play together, interacting, sharing a secret giggle. Beats any feelings I had for dd1 when she was an only child, and they were very powerful, into a cocked hat.

Two children are, however, bloody hard work and the experience left me a husk of my old self. But it's getting easier

I have no issue with anyone having one. If that is what they want, then absolutely fine.

In my circles, three is the most popular number and many people question my decision to stop at two. Doesn't bother me. The OP shouldn't be bothered either.

I didn't have a second child for my DS, I had her for me, if I am honest. I love being a mum and wanted to be a mum to more than one. Also wanted more baby stage, for that read broody again.
DH said he didn't really want another and was happy with just one. I think i might say this when i get to 4 (although sadly i probably won't get there due to age / health reasons, forced to stop at two - perhaps i can just pitch up at people who've had newborn babies for cuddles?). I managed to convince DH to go for no 2 by stating how beneficial it would be for DC1 (playmate, balanced family not too focused on him, easier if we get old /ill etc) but these weren't really my reasons.

Georgiemama you can think and say whatever you like as far as I'm concerned. I've invited you twice now to point out where I've criticised anyone's choices on this thread and you either can't, or won't (not sure which it is or what your problem is to be honest). Very odd.

If you don't like this thread, there's a simple solution, just stop clicking on it?

Gunnerbean you are spoiling for a fight, it is new year, stop tilting at windmills fgs.

Read what people have SAID. If you just want to rant about how people are mean to parents of onlies, start a thread about that please.

I had 3 kids because I don't think its brilliant for kids to grow up as onlies. Not because society made me and I was too stupid to resist.

I have 2. I'm pg with no. 3 and I would like to have 4 eventually.

I wanted more than one because:

Growing up my sister was far more important to me than either parent

My sister is the most important adult in my life apart from dh. None of my lovely friends come close.

My dad told me when I was a teenager that they didn't have more dcs for financial reasons and I felt I would rather have had more siblings than private school and ponies. I was bitter about this for years. Children cost what you are prepared to spend to a large degree. If I had an only then that doesn't mean I would be buying him more stuff. When people lavish material goods onto their only whilst claiming that it doesn't make financial sense to have another child it just adds to the 'spoilt only child' stereotype.

DH is very close to his 2 brothers. They all rely heavily on each other to an extent that you wouldn't expect of an ordinary friend. I want my dcs to have a chance at that. I am not so stupid that I need it pointed out that it is not a guarantee.

My dad is dead and my mother is becoming 'forgetful'. I am glad I have my sis to talk to about it.

My dcs have 3 cousins. They are unlikely to have more as both my sil are infertile. 2 of their cousins have emigrated and although they may come home in a few years I can't depend on my dcs having a close relationship with their cousins.

I only knew one only when I was growing up. She was also the only person I knew whose parents were divorced. She hated being an only which will have affected the way I feel about having an only myself.

I don't want to be my child's playmate. I find it easier having 2 after the first few months. They don't only play with each other, they do have other friends. They don't show any signs of becoming bored with each other.

I don't feel any external pressure to have more than one, any more than I feel pressure to have fewer than 3. I didn't want to have at least one of each gender. I think single sex families can work better sometimes.
I didn't feel like a proper family when I only had one although obviously I wouldn't expect everyone else to feel like that. Probably because I knew I hadn't 'finished'. I would have felt like I was doing my first child a disservice to not give him a sibling. Again, I don't expect anyone else to feel the same.

Ahh Fillyjonk (aka "Quality Street person"!!)

I'm quite happy to "spoil for a fight" as you call it with a person who makes the sort of ignorant assumptions and ridiculous generalisations about others that you do. It would be remiss of me not to I feel.

Anyway, this is my thread and I'll jolly well say what I like on it, if that's ok with you.

Priceless comment from ladyjuliafish "I felt I would rather have had more siblings than private school and ponies. I was bitter about this for years". Only on MN do you get people saying they are bitter about private school and ponies

The One Child Families topic was set up for us to discuss issues specific to our small families, offer support for mums who are struggling and for those of us happy with our choice to "celebrate" our families. I think this particular discussion belongs in the parenting section - I certainly don't welcome all these people who are criticising only children, spouting the usual stereotypes etc.

Think I'll flounce to the tearoom ...

i agree, the majority of folk who have posted can't relate to the 'only' child, because they have large families or more than one, so it sort of makes this thread a bit reduntant.
let's have more folk on discussing it who have actually got one child and know what it's like, and if they feel any pressures to conform to have more than one??

I have the one for now, who knows what may happen in the future (v doubtful of conceiving again). I can appreciate why people choose to have more than one. I personally found the sleepless nights a pain, and was glad when DS eventually slept through at 5 mo. It's all very tedious, and people who actually love all the sleepless nights, good for you, but sadly some of us like our sleep too much to go through the whole baby stage various times over. Once was more than enough.

I have felt pressure into having more, not just from family and friends, you see it everywhere you look. on tv, in brochures, magazines. evrything is geared to families who have more than one kid. it's the stereotype of the perfect family, having the two kids.or more.
having one biological child, means you don't have to go through labour a second time, the birth, the sleepless nights, the bottles or breastfeeding, the nappies, the crying, the tantrums.........on and on......

I agree Rebecca.

ahfeckit - there have been people who posted on here who have just one child and would have liked more.

I didn't want more than one becasue of having grown up in a larger family - in fact I don't get on particualry well with my brother (althoguh not in a toxic way). I wanted more than one because of the impact I saw of being on "only" on a friend of mine at Uni.

As it happens, ds will be an only

And FWIW, I haven't felt any pressure from society or firends or fanily to have another one - the desire was all mine. No-one has queried my "choice" to have just one - maybe 'cos I was an older mother in the first place (again, not choice - it just took me a long time to find dh! ).

That doesn't stop me loving ds dearly

I don't believe that all people here are being honest in that they've not even felt the teensiest eensiest bit of pressure from the outside world on influencing their decision on settling/not settling for an only child. I think there are more out there like me (and I consider myself to have a free mind, making my own decisions, waying up the pros and cons carefully etc).

just an afterthought now, but really aren't we all semi-conscious of what others do around us, and the decisions that others make do sort of affect us (though we usually tend not to admit it!).food for thought...

I am influenced by 'society' in the same way that I wear clothes that I like which are 'co-incidentally' relatively fashionable. No matter how much I say that I say I am not influenced by fashion, you can't get around the fact that I am currently wearing a rather nice dress from topshop as opposed to flares and platforms, a crinoline dress or a medieval wenches outfit.
If it was the fashion to have 20 children then I hope that I would not be too influenced by that, but as its subconscious then what do I really know?

clothing and babies are pretty different but i see where you are coming from. I also know that there are alot of couples influenced by their community and if jo blogs and his wife have 2 kids, then it's likely other couples will follow suit rather than having one and one only. Let's face it, how many people do you know in RL that have one child compared to others? where I live there are hardly any one child families at all.

I am an only child. I had a psychiatrist who said that in his opinion, being an only child has contributed to my mental health problems.

I agree with him in part, but it probably depends what kind of parents you have.

ladyjuliafish - Quite. I think these things are largely subconscious and are more to do with conditioning than with overt pressure. As I said before, in the distant days when I was a child, just about all the images that one saw of families depicted two adults and two or more children. So it's not surprising if people of my age grew up thinking that that is a 'normal' family, even if we later chose something different or had the choice made for us by circumstances.

I am a person who has one child out of choicen, not because of any circumstances beyod my control.

I started this thread in this particular section because I genuinely interested in getting a discussion going about why there seems to be such a lack of one child families. As someone here said, I want to celebrate my small family and think small families are great and was just wondering why they don't seem to be that may aroud.

This is not a thread about how you parent children so I don't necessarily agree that it is a thread which should be in the "parenting" section.

I threw a few hypothetical reasons out there to get the discussion going but sadly people seem to have totally misinterpreted what I said. People seem to think that they are all reasons that I personally believe to be responsible for people having more than one child.

They also seem to have jumped on the thread and become very defensive about the reasons why they've decided to have more than one child.

It doesn't bother me removely if people decide to have 1 or 20 children, or any number in between. I'm not trying to say that one is the perfect number of children to have or anything like that. I'm not waving a flag for only having one - it just happens to suit me very nicely and I am fully aware that it wouldn't be for everyone.

So in that regard, I do agree that this thread has become redundant in a way because I never intended for it to turn out to be like that.

I am interested to see that the last few posts have alluded to the fact that there is a degree of social conditioning out there informing why people have more than one child. This is what I was getting out with my hypothetical comment about people not feeling that they can have the "full family expereince" with only one child.

This thread has also been interesting (if not a little shocking) to me to see that there are still myths peddled out there about only children being spoiled brats who can't share, have money lavished on them, don't get to engage with others on any meaningful level and eventually and inevitably turn into dysfunctional adults.

I don't remotely recognise any of this in my only child and hope not to in the future.

Whether or not you turn into a dysfunctional adult is primarily all about how you are parented - not how many of you there were in your family.

If you've got dodgy parents the chances are you'll be fucked up if there are 1 or 10 of you in the family. Good thing about having siblings in that case I suppose is that you'll be in good company and you might qualify for a group therapy discount I suppose .

Oh, and just an afterthought... what about all those people who are fucked up by feeling all their lives that their parents favoured one of their siblings over them?

Gunnerbean - These are just the questions we often discuss in the tea room. Please come and join us any time!

Thanks for the invite, I will.