Why do you think that so many people just don't consider it an option to have only one child?

[Gunnerbean]

Is it because of social pressure to conform to the "2.4 children" model?

Is it because of pressure from family?

Is it because people don't think that a family with just one child makes a "proper" family and you need more than one to have and enjoy the full "family expereince"?

Is it because people think that they are doing thier first child some awful disservice if they don't give them a sibling or siblings?

Is it because people always want to try to have one child of either sex and to do that you have to have more than just one?

Maybe it's just that people are genetically programmed to have more than one to perpetuate the species?

These days, having just one child makes sense on so many levels. Particularly financially as bringing up children has become such a huge fiancial responsibily expense and so many people want to carry on working to maintain a lifestyle and standard of living for thier family too.

It seems to me that lots of people would like to stop at just one child but that something stops them and it just got me thinking what that is...?

can i just say...(as the youngest of 4) i am probably the most selfish/spoilt/it's all about me/ person i know.......and i know some only children who are the complete opposite...so it's all nonsense.

have as many...few children as you like...as long as they are wanted and loved they'll be fine.

For me, without reading all the thread as I'd like to see if I learn anything/my opinion changes...I didn't want to have only one child as my dad described being an only child as a very lonely childhood. They didn;t seem to do playdates when he was little and he said he hated when it rained as everyone went in and he was on his own. He also said when my gp's died that all his childhood memories had died as he had no one to say 'do you remember when...?' No one to share his parents with anymore. He found organising their funerals impossible so my brothers and I did it. He is also incredibly jealous of the close relationship I have with my brothers and hates it when we know more about each other than he does. He is selfish and only thinks of himslef but then he could have been like that anyway...

My brother recentlt needed help and he asked me and our other brother which my dad could have never done. If my dad annoys me or we have a falling out there is always someone around to mediate who knows us as deeply as we know them.

I have 2 ds's and another on the way and I am glad to have been able (I know I am very lucky as some one child families are not through choice and I appreciate that) to give my children the same opportunity for a sibling relationship that I had. On the flip side dh isn't at all close to his sister's but then that has more to do with MIL and a whole completely different thread.

I didn't want to 'conform' as the op has suggested I just took what our family experience had been in making our decision as to how many children to have.

Also a friend of mine was having difficulty conceiving no 2 and her ds 1 was putting the most amazing emotional pressure for her and her dh to have another. He sat on the sofa one day and sighed and she asked him what was wrong and he said he was tired of waiting for his brother or sister. All his friends had brothers and sisters and he was the only one without.

I don't see anything wrong with only having one child at all, DS is nearly 2 and still extremely demanding with night waking, BFing etc. Part of me desperately wants another child and part of me desperately wants to see the back of all that quite soon for good!

But I do worry about only having one child. I know it sounds stupid and selfish but what if something happened to him? I'd die. An elderly couple across the road lost their only child at the age of 25. Obviously losing a child is horrific no matter how many you have, but if you had another you would have to carry on for them. I've phrased that very badly, no doubt will get leapt on but I know what I mean.

DH and I are also very driven people, I wouldn't like all the weight of expectation on DS alone.

And on the complete flip side of what I said about seeing the back of the baby/toddler years, I would struggle with the idea that that one shot at pregnancy and babyhood was it for me. I didn't really enjoy my first pregnancy (constantly worried I was going to lose him) and I would love to do it all again.

I think it's worth a mention that those of us who have more than the standard 2.4 children (or 1.7 or whatever it is) are also criticised. The announcement that I'm expecting my fourth baby was not met with nearly such elation as my first! There has certainly been a few raised eyebrows and knowing looks (not that I care in the slightest!) I feel that I'm being pretty unselfish - I want a large family primarily for the sake of my children. I don't enjoy pregnancy and we'll have to go without things like a decent car and posh holidays, and I'm still scared of giving birth and not looking forward to the sleepless nights... However, people assume that I don't feel like this because I've chosen to have a larger family.

yes, that's true mersmam..when i announced my 4th some people actually said to me "are you mad"....and meant it.

I would have been quite happy to let dd be an only child. I think only children probably have great childhoods. Masses of parental attention, enough money for great holidays, plenty of socialising with other children at nursery, school, macrame for preschoolers etc. In fact, dd was pretty cheesed off when ds came along and it's taken the best part of a year for her to get used to the idea. Oh the guilt. Only children tend to grow up to be successful, and it's easy enough to see why this is a trend.

However, having an only child would never be my choice because the thought of her as an adult with no siblings was heartbreaking to me. I have three brothers and they are enormously important to me in a way that no friend ever could be. It feels like a safety net - no matter what happens in my life I am on a team. I have people who will fly to my side no matter how wrong I might be. The four of us deal with things together. No, we don't always get on, but that's different. There's unconditional love between siblings, and a bond that is just different to anything else. I want that for my children.

That's very true Alice. I think it must be a terrible burden to an adult only child, especially when parents start to become old and frail. One of my mother's friends who is an only child finds it very hard now her parents are gone that there is no one else but her who remembers things from the past.

It is a shame when siblings don't get on, but as my experience of having 2 brothers is a positive one (and we fought like cat and dog as children, as well as playing nicely, we weren't the Waltons by any stretch) I want DS to have that relationship with someone too.

We have very little extended family. If I stopped at one, at some point in the future he would be the only one of his generation. I would not wish that isolation, as have felt it myself. So if i have two...and they don't get along, at least they will have the knowledge that there is someone else in world to seek out if in need.

It never ceases to amaze me here how people think they have some sort of crystal ball into the future.

Why do they assume that all only children will be lonely when they grow up?

Do they assume that no one who has siblings is ever lonely/unhappy/fucked-up?

Only children are vastly in the minority.

If only children as a group alone were responsible for all the lonely/unhappy/fucked-up basket cases out there then there wouldn't be nearly as many as they are.

Oh, but surely this can't mean that some of those children with siblings haven't turned out to be the perfectly well-balanced paragons of viture that their parents felt sure they would be when they made the huge personal sacrifice of providing them with all those siblings...

Did anyone on this thread suggest that having more than one child was a guarantee that their kids would never be lonely/unhappy/fucked up?

I don't think they did.

You started a thread to ask why people have more than one child and then have a rant when you don't like people's reasons. Very odd behaviour imho.

And it doesn't take a crystal ball to know that if you only have one child and you become old and infirm, that one child is going to have to shoulder the burden alone.

Some DCs are more suited to being only DCs than others and love it. My DS1 hated being an only, and he had to wait a long time for a sibling. People don't always have the good fortune of choice.
I think that georimama has pointed out the main difficulty, when parents become old and frail there is no one to share the care or decision making -or even to have a moan with.

Hmmm I always theoretically wanted more than 1 but had DS at 35 and he was a difficult baby -was completely exhausted with him and at the same time adored him so much couldn't imagine loving another- he is such an interesting funny little character. So after some debate we did have a 2nd more for DS and for DH (1 of 4) than for myself. I'm not close to either of my brothers and they don't speak to each other sadly which makes family gatherings very difficult. DH is very close to his family.
Despite all this now we have DD and although she too has been a difficult refluxy baby now at 5 months she is gorgeous and a hugely important part of our family-it hasn't all been plain sailing but DS (3) after some initial reservations now adores her in fact he wants to marry her along with his other girlfriend he informed me the other morning. Her face lights up when he comes into the room and she's in fits of giggles at everything he does. DH is so much more relaxed and confident with her than he was 1st time round and it just feels more balanced somehow then when there were 3 of us-more like a family. Am (or feel) too old to have any more-also I remember getting through the second stage at DDs birth by promising myself I would never never have to do it again....

LadyG....your post made me

Gunnerbean - I certainly do not expect my children to be 'well balanced paragons of virtue' However, I just think that someone who has a sibling has more of a chance of having someone else who is always going to be there to be there for them through their life than someone who doesn't have a sibling. And I know you speak tongue in cheek, but in fact giving birth and raising children really is a huge personal sacrifice (I can't think of a bigger one other than dying for someone!!)
The fact is that most of us who make this sacrifice do so in the hope that our children will have better lives. Whether you believe that is the case or not, or whether you want to make that sacrifice or not, is up to you - but please do not criticise others for doing so (just as you wouldn't want them to criticise anyone for having only one child).

Im pregnant with my first baby and then I want one more. I'm 24, so my age wouldn't be a problem. DH wants two as well. Perhaps the fact that we both come from large families plays a part, but then maybe it doesn't; I was the youngest of mine, and he's towards the top end, and both our experiences were very different.

I went through the list of reasons of the original poster, and I really didn't find myself relating to any of them, except, to some extent, having one of each sex...which comes with no guarantees of course! I imagine having a daughter or a son have very different aspects to each of them, and I wouldn't want to miss out on the different journey that such amazing relationships take...

When it comes down to it, I think everybody's reasoning/decision-making is so personal and complicated, it can't be categorised in any way.

Yes, I did start this thread but the reasons I put out there in my initial post were just openers I threw out there to open up discussion. They're not necessarily views I hold, I was only hypothesising (sp?).

Of course I realise that there are many and varied reasons why people stick at the family size they do and it's each to their own - totally. That's just the way it should be too. Everyone makes the choices that suit them best.

If I'm honest, I have been quite shocked as this thread has developed,by some of the views that people hold about only children and the generalisations they make about them. I guess my last post was a reaction to that. The person who posted up that ridiculous comment about the Quality Street was so indicative of that.

I am thoroughly respectful of everyones right to have as many, or as few, children as they please but I have been a bit taken aback that so many people seem to quietly harbour the view that only children are somehow to be pitied for missing out in some way.

My DH and I have made the choice to stop at one child. We have not had that choice foisted upon us through infertility or anything else, we made it consciousy and are quite happy and comfortable with our choice. Our family size was our choice and if our son is not happy with it when he's older it will be his choice not to have just one child.

Naturally, I suppose I resent the inference that as a person who consciously made that choice, rather than it being something foised upon me by circumstances beyond my control, I am a selfish person who is not prepared to make a personal sacrifice to ensure that my child is not deprived in some way and may not enjoy the full and enriching life that he might otherwise have as a result.

It takes all sorts of people to make the world go around and if everyone had the same expereiences in life, the world would be a dull place to be. When his time comes, my DS will have just as much to contribute to the world as anyone else. His life will be whatever he makes it. Contrary to what people think, no one knows what the future holds for them, or their children. They can only make assumptions about it, or have hopes and dreams of what it will turn out to be but no one knows...

I never set out in starting this thread to enter into a slanging match with people. My initial post was simply meant to provoke discussion.

Anyway, I'm still uber happy with my small family and totally comforable with the choices I've made. I'm also thrilled that I started a thread on MN that has attracted this many posts

Happy New Year to you all!!!

How did you expect the thread to go? Because you seem to infer a criticism of your choices from other people holding differing opinions, and resent it, yet you are happy to criticise other people's choices and assumptions.

[genuinely bewildered emoticon]

Only children do 'miss out in some way' - they miss out on having siblings! My original point was that if you choose to have an only child I think you should try to provide them with some kind of sibling substitute such as cousins or friends with whom they stay in touch.
Similarly, larger families probably need to make sure that everyone gets some personal space and attention.
I agree that some of the stereotypes are horrible - as an only child myself I certainly resent them! However, I think the way things are going there are actually getting to be more stereotypes against large families than small ones (low incomes, benefit scroungers etc...) - stereotypes in general are not good things!
My own honest answer to the original post is that I chose to have more children simply because I didn't want any of my children to ever be alone in the world - simple as that

Gunnerbean - I loved your first and second posts. I am an only child, and my Mom died when I was 2. My Dad brought me up without any help, and I think he did a great job. My DH and I were blessed with a daughter after 11 years of mariage. I was 41 when she was born, and we had long given up hope of this happening to us. When people ask if we will have another, I joke and say "Well, if it takes another 11 years I'll be in my fifties, and that might be a bit late......." but in reality Himself and I decided not to try for another - we wanted the one we have, and we feel incredibly blessed and lucky to have her. I looked after my Dad when he was old and ill, and I didn't find it a burden at all - it was a privilege to be able to do something small for the man who had done so much for me. DH comes from a family of 8, spread all over the world. We hardly ever see each other, although we're in touch with all of them by e-mail. Two of the brothers don't speak to each other at all, and two of the sisters don't speak to most of the brothers.......! So much for close sibling relationships! I don't think that either DH or I am self-centred or spoilt (of course, that's only my opinion!) I certainly didn't feel any pressure from my father to "achieve". All he ever asked was that I got an education, supported myself in due course, and behaved like a reasonable person. I don't think those are undue pressures, and DH had the same upbringing despite being one of eight. I truly believe that people should be able to have as many children as they want, but I also don't believe there's anything "only" about stopping at one..... (wink)

I'm pregnant with first DC and hope that DH and I will be able to have at least another one... this is mainly because I am very close to my siblings (one brother and one sister) and wouldn't be without them... I was watching 'About a boy' the other day and the little lad on that said something about two not being enough (him and his mum), you need backup - for me my brother and sister are pretty good backup and I want DC to have the same

I may well change my mind however as I haven't yet been through the traumas of childbirth!

cazboldy I'm in Diss, stopped at the shop in LS today on our way to Norwich.

I find this both an interesting and an odd question - would it not be more worthwhile to ask why people want to have children at all?

Georgimama - good point about elderly parents. As one of four (now three ), we all nursed our parents through their last years. That was stressful enough with siblings; to do it alone must be hell.

We were able to keep our parents living in their own home until they finally died in hospital - the idea of putting them in a home was unimaginable and completely contrary to our culture and beliefs. I would want the same for myself when my time comes.