Was my childhood routine weird?

[Mumof2inDevon]

Ive had some therapy recently about the struggles I have around parenting and we have gone through what happened in my childhood and how this creates ‘the norm’ on my views around parenting.

My Mum and Dad both worked and I went to my Dads Mums 5 days per week, nursery each morning for a few hours from around age 2, but dropped off and collected by Nanna. She did every school run, every sports day, everything, I was basically my Nannas child Monday to Friday 8am - 6pm.

My Nanna LOVED having me, was very maternal, was a massive ‘spoiler’ I was the only grandchild for 8 years.

Saturday nights I would ask for a ‘sleepover’ with Nanna and Grandad. My Mums perspective was I’d seen them all week but I loved my sleepovers there and we would be up early and go out on the Sunday too.

Therefore it’s reasonable to say I have been VERY disillusioned in what parenting has been like … my family live away, I’ve asked my Husbands mum seemingly endless times if she can have the kids stay over and the answer is always ‘why, what are you doing?’ As if I need to be doing something to have some help. My Nanna would have had me at the drop of a hat so I find it very weird … even my Husband said “well your childhood was just WEIRD” they’re our kids and we have to look after them!

Yet I remember the times with my Nanna being so positive and loving and I feel really sad that my parents, and his parents, don’t seem to want to have them! Even when mine come and stay they don’t want the baby monitors and the early mornings to help out. It’s so weird for me from my perspective can anyone offer any advice. X

Your normal was that you were raised by someone else. Expecting that level of input from other family members is above and beyond.
Involved grandparenting is a wide spectrum and just because they don't want to do the very high level of childrearing your grandmother did, that doesn't make them wrong.

I don’t think there was anything at all ‘weird’ about your childhood. Lots of children are looked after by grandparents. What’s a bit weird is that you seem to expect your DH’s mother to want to have a similar level of input, and for your parents, when they visit you, to want to take the baby monitors and handle the early mornings. It’s lovely that you got on so well with your grandparents, but I think it’s quite strange you seem to be expecting other people to replicate that dynamic.

We lived in a different country to my parents and ILs, but it would never have occurred to me to think it was their job to handle early mornings when they came to visit. Similarly, it’s pretty usual to assume parents are going out if they ask grandparents to have their children overnight.

It's unusual for grandparents to have that level of involvement.

Your nanna was effectively a third parent.

Many people live a long way from grandparents and so a seeing them a few times a year including at Christmas and maybe a week in the summer is more normal.

Many grandparents are also older - my mum was nursing my dad through cancer for most of my kids childhood.

So yes, it was unusual. I wouldn't say weird.

I completely understand this. I grew up with my Grandma as a really big part of my life. I happened to find some photos this weekend and I'm always next to her at gatherings, she took me away, etc. Parents both worked and she had me a lot in my early years and I think that just cemented our bond. We were incredibly close.

I think modern life and society does impact the roles that relatives played then, now. My DC for example are in childcare - everyone lives further away and still work. It costs, yes, but it's also easier for us. I think it is just reality that things are different in society generally to however many years ago, and that impacts the construct of the village, etc.

I have done quite a lot of work myself to break down the view I had in my head of raising a family, what that might look like and the roles people play in it. It's hard but I would try and get comfortable with how things are, and not have expectations around norms and roles. They're comfortable with it, which does suck, so i have figured i need to too. Xx

I agree with PPs, 'weird' has negative connotations but I think your childhood was unusual and your grandmother was effectively parenting you a hell of a lot. It's great if everyone is happy with this, but I think the vast majority of the population would find this difficult.

You are the mother and father to your child and the default carers. Your DH's parents sound like they're happy to help out if required but don't want to assume parental responsibility for their grandchild. This is totally normal and healthy. It is likely that they raised your DH in a way where unlike your parents, they have already done the vast majority of the grunt work in raising a child and now it's their turn to have a bit of a break and enjoy less responsibility.

I feel like your frustration is probably a bit misdirected to be honest. It is your parents (if anyone) that should be 'paying forward' the work your grandma did for them by looking after your kids more. The issue might be though that your parents might not want to do this, even if they did live closer. They may have been happy with the arrangement with your grandma because they didn't actually like parenting that much.

What's your relationship like with your parents?

Your nana sounds ace, and you were both lucky to have that relationship, but I think it was unusual and so your husband may be technically correct (yet slightly rude) in calling it weird.

I'd have my Grandchildren every day... just for no reason if they wanted to stay..eldest three are now teenagers.. but they just walk round to see me any time.. youngest sleeps over at least once a week.
For last nineteen years I've had at least one just to sleep over for no reason at least once a week.. we both enjoy it.
Can't see the problem.
We are a very close family.

My childhood was the same OP. I felt like I'd lost my mum when my nana died

Your Nana sounds the best mine was the same however my mum was not and considering her own mum helped her I would have loved it to have rubbed off, her grandkids are now adults and she's quite happy for them to give her lifts here and there !

Anyway I think you need to lower your expectations of your Dc grandparents it will only upset you, if you want a break you might need to say you are exhausted but even then they will have reasons not to have the dc, of course they don't have to look after them but it would be nice if they wanted to spend time with them.

Similar here op. I had a couple of accidents in dm's care that should have had her take me to hospital. She didn't. Lack of maternal instincts maybe? Had a bad accident at dgm's and remember her (and dm) taking me in dgm's car. Haven't had much of a relationship with dm as an adult. My dgm died when I was 27. Won't be that gutted when dm's dies... Imo embrace having your dc to yourself and not sharing them with ils...

Ah, this is a common problem OP. It's often disappointing for people who were raised in large part by their grandparents to find that their own parents almost inevitably have no intention of doing the same; they were skipping the full-on parenting, not deferring it.

I have had a very similar experience. I was practically raised by my grandma because my parents worked full time and she did all the childcare. My mum still works, so I wasn’t expecting the same level of support, but she hasn’t helped me with my son at all. I find it very odd that she was willing to accept endless free childcare from her mum, but she doesn’t feel obligated to give me any support whatsoever. If my son ever has children I can’t imagine not wanting to help as much as I could. I guess some people are just selfish. Though it does make me sad that my son likely won’t have the same close relationship with his grandmother as I had with mine. At the moment he barely knows who she is.

What’s their age like and health/energy levels? Could that be impacting their ability to look after young kids?

I had a grandma like yours OP so get where you’re coming from. My parents are abroad; my MIL is helpful but she’s 70 and can’t do nearly as much as she was doing for her first DGC 20 years ago. PIL are also mostly living abroad meaning they don’t see their granddaughter for most of the year, which is their choice and was puzzling for me at first as they chose to move away but it clearly makes them happy and I’ve come to be happy for them too.

Your childhood set up was quite uncommon, your Nanna was your main carer essentially.

It's unreasonable to expect your MIL to be able to or even want to have your DC for frequent or regular overnight stays, just for the sake of it rather than because you need the childcare. Looking after two young children is a lot of hard work for someone who presumably is 60 to 70 plus?

My upbringing was very similar to yours inky it was my DAunt rather than my DGM. I knew it was odd and I honestly could never understand why my DM had us if she never wanted to be around us.

I made the decision to be very present for my DC. Worked PT want was there for almost every event at school.

As my DM hadn't parented us, I was never going to expect her to take an active role in parenting our DC.

Yes I guess if you asked me … what ‘help’ would I like … I’d say the early mornings! I loved the time with my Grandad in the mornings he was always up at 6. All of my parents they’re like me they lie in etc, I just feel like they got tonnes of help so isn’t it my turn now? Like someone else said they were probably avoiding xx

Not that great!! They separated when I was 8, but with both sides I have issues with them and it’s become better in some ways but not in others!

I think quite a few of us find it difficult to adjust to what our family life looks like in contrast to a childhood. Mine was with a huge extended family near by and I don’t have this for my children now as everyone is scattered in the next generation and I moved away from my childhood home. I think you will adjust over time but you’ll have to confront some assumptions.

I think it's very unusual. Your grandma was basically a third parent. It's nice if grandparents are happy to help out, but you shouldn't expect it. They've done their parenting bit, whether it was hands on or you were shipped off elsewhere all week. So it's 'not your turn' to have help. Your husband is right in that they're your children and you should be prepared to look after them, however hard that may be sometimes.
Just as an aside, if/when I have grandchildren I will happily take them for a few hours when needed but there's no way in hell I'll be doing early mornings. I did mine as a parent. I won't be choosing to do it again.

Your childhood was like mine. It's not weird but it's perhaps more traditional, my Grandma brought me up while my (single parent) mum worked, because her Grandma did the same. I loved my grandparents deeply and also chose to spend weekends and school holidays with them when I was allowed. I always thought my children would have the same experience but actually my mum re-married and they emigrated when I was a teenager, leaving me behind. So my parents have never even met my kids in person. It makes me sad too so I know exactly how you feel. I know how much my kids have missed out on. But all I can do is make sure that I will be the same type of Grandma to any grandchildren I have that I was lucky enough to have.

Your upbringing isn't typical and not exactly conducive to having strong parental bonds. We spent a couple of long weekends with grandparents or extended family.

I work full time am divorced I can't imagine not having as much time with my children as possible and no way would I expect to provide the practical 6 day support to potential grand children.

I do think your expectations are skewed a bit. Are you married surely you just alternate tasks to get brief breaks?

Your childhood wasn't weird. Mine was very similar, for a few years it was my grandparents, then we moved and it was my auntie/uncle. That's just what happened back then (I'm 44) and know alot of my childhood friends that were the same. Even with my own kids my family have been very hands on despite living in different countries at times.

Now, it has evolved, and there's very much a perceived opinion that "your entitled" if you dare ask for help.

My kids are teens and my parents, siblings all still jump at the chance to take them for a few days/weeks in the holidays, and it's the same in my wider family. But not on my in laws side 🤷🏼‍♀️ they just didn't "do that".

But he liked to get up at 6! You would be asking someone who likes to get up later- as you do now - to do it for you, that’s quite different.