Was my childhood routine weird?

[Mumof2inDevon]

Ive had some therapy recently about the struggles I have around parenting and we have gone through what happened in my childhood and how this creates ‘the norm’ on my views around parenting.

My Mum and Dad both worked and I went to my Dads Mums 5 days per week, nursery each morning for a few hours from around age 2, but dropped off and collected by Nanna. She did every school run, every sports day, everything, I was basically my Nannas child Monday to Friday 8am - 6pm.

My Nanna LOVED having me, was very maternal, was a massive ‘spoiler’ I was the only grandchild for 8 years.

Saturday nights I would ask for a ‘sleepover’ with Nanna and Grandad. My Mums perspective was I’d seen them all week but I loved my sleepovers there and we would be up early and go out on the Sunday too.

Therefore it’s reasonable to say I have been VERY disillusioned in what parenting has been like … my family live away, I’ve asked my Husbands mum seemingly endless times if she can have the kids stay over and the answer is always ‘why, what are you doing?’ As if I need to be doing something to have some help. My Nanna would have had me at the drop of a hat so I find it very weird … even my Husband said “well your childhood was just WEIRD” they’re our kids and we have to look after them!

Yet I remember the times with my Nanna being so positive and loving and I feel really sad that my parents, and his parents, don’t seem to want to have them! Even when mine come and stay they don’t want the baby monitors and the early mornings to help out. It’s so weird for me from my perspective can anyone offer any advice. X

I don't know anyone who had a set up like this growing up apart from someone who was adopted by her grandparents. Your grandma was one signature away from being your legal guardian. She acted as one. I saw my grandparents (local) once a week and I'd say that's normal.

This, absolutely.
They had done their parenting, and then they were having to do it all again.
You were obviously loved OP, and that is a good thing, you just can't expect all grandparents to be the same.

We all have different expectations I think based on our own experiences.

DH went to boarding school at 7. Prior to that he was largely brought up by grandparents as both parents had big jobs abroad. That was his normal.

My parents had me at 23 and parented entirely without support. Grandparents lived 10 minutes away but had no input at all. My normal was an obligatory saturday morning visit for an hour sitting on the couch while chatting politely then going grocery shopping.

As a result, 'normal' for DH is fairly remote parenting and thoughts of sending the Dcs away to school (which we did not). My normal was very hands on parenting without any external support at all.

My cousin on the other hand had a single mum who worked all hours making ends meet and she was brought up by her grandparents. Now she has two teens and a time consuming job and her normal is the children live with her mother the entire week until Friday night then with her Friday- Sunday evening. That's her normal.

I’m mid forties now and can still remember the two kids in my class who’s nan’s were very involved (thinking back - one due to mum and dads working patterns, the other due to I think possibly social services), so I think it’s unusual enough to stand out.

It does sound like effectively your nanna was your mother figure - I’m trying to work out when your parents looked after you when you were awake! My parents are amazingly involved and very helpful but I would miss my children if they had them that much. It sounds like you are missing support as your own family live away and that is difficult but I do think your expectations are pretty abnormal. And as for wanting people to take the early mornings…. That sounds a bit entitled tbh! It is very unusual to be able to outsource all early mornings and have kids gone lofs of weekends.

As others have said, I don't think your childhood was 'weird' but definitely unusual. There are close families and grandparents who are very hands on (and some who expect to be) but in general, parents are there to take primary responsibility for their children, especially in the early years.

What you need to change is your expectation that others should be taking on a big role in your own children's lives. Just because it happened in your own experience doesn't mean it's the norm, and just because you and your nan enjoyed the interaction doesn't mean that your child or their grandparents will....or "should".

It's nice if grandparents help out but certainly not a 'right' to be demanded. Some grandparents are too old, too tired or never found great joy in bringing up their own children and certainly don't want to repeat the experience with someone else's. Now you've begun to understand this, work on changing your own expectations so it doesn't bother you all the time, otherwise you will build unnecessary resentment which will spoil the family relationships you do have.

I think your Nana had an unusual amount of energy for her age and little in the way of other interests. For most retired people, these days, it's the opposite. They have limited energy and lots of other things they want to do besides providing child care.

You were very close to your grandmother but not as close to your parents, I wouldn’t be trying the emulate that set up if I’m honest

Exactly.

Someone referred to your grandma as your third parent, OP. But basically she was more of a parent than your parents were.

In today's Western society, parents are the care givers. Most grandmothers are still working anyway. No-one should be expecting their own parents to be parenting their grandchild, just because the generation before, (of their family), did so.

Like PPs think your experience was unusual, and that your wishes now about practical help and childcare from extended family are unrealistic. would focus on how you and your partner do things so that you each get some leisure time - and lie ins if that’s important to you.

Intergenerational support is very normal, despite what you might read on mumsnet, which seems to be nuclear family parenting.

Having said that, it sounds as though your parents hardly parented, so I’m not that surprised they are hands off with their grandchildren.

I was raised by a single mother and my grandparents were wonderful, including my father’s side. We were all very bonded. In turn my mum was brilliant with my DC, very hands on and helped me with school runs and before/after school, so I could work. Her bond with our DC was amazing. I will look forward to taking my turn with any grandchildren we have.

So, you are not unreasonable to hope they will help with the kids. But sadly many won’t.

what was your mum doing whilst you were being cared for by your granny?
the level of involvement from your granny does sound unusual. She sounds lovely.
I don’t think you can expect similar or even close to similar levels of help from grandparents.
im lucky if my kids see their Grand parents twice a year .

It's in the OP, both parents worked.

Interested as to why you queried what mum was doing but not dad?

It's so nice you have such lovely memories of your grandparents but you can't just expect regular childcare unfortunately. I have lots of memories staying with various family members but I have to pay for childcare because we have nobody who can take our son on a regular basis. Thats just life people have to work or want time to travel or don't want to commit to having a small child.

I want to give the parent's perspective here as we have one GP heavily involved with our kids (not anywhere near as much as the OP's nanna but more than the norm now where I am). I am SO grateful for this as I've struggled with parenting. My mental health would be much worse without the support. And I already feel incredibly guilty that I won't be able to do what she does if/when I become a GP myself. I can barely stand the early mornings now, I definitely won't be able for it when I'm in my 60s or 70s. I think the difference is I'm so aware of this and I'm already planning to try to compensate in other ways (eg save up to pay for a night nanny etc). I wonder if it would be helpful to name this with your parents? Just have a talk about how involved your nan was, without accusing them or anything. Your feelings are valid and deserve to be recognised, even if nothing can change.

Your expectations of GPs is too high. What you state you experienced with your GP, and what you are now expecting are actually different.

Your parents were working and that was the main reason your GP helped out (starting from 2yrs?) You seem to be ringing your parents and inlaws and asking them to have a baby overnight just for the sake of it?

When your parents stay with you, you expect them to get up every time the baby wakes and also get up early I'm the morning.

From what I can tell from your post, your GM collected you/dropped off, then as you were old enough to ask, you stayed at the weekend.

The difference is, your GM had a full night's sleep before coming to get you and you were at nursery as well. and this was because both your parents were working. I assume as you were then old enough to ask to sleep over you were sleeping through the night by that point.

Are you currently working? Are you working and how old is your baby?

Do your parents and in-laws still work? This would be a big factor in how much they are willing to help. And yes, it is help, they are not there to raise your children that you decided to have.

I know there's always talk of 'the village's helping to raise children, but unfortunately modern life means that both GPs still have to work. People are starting families at an older age meaning that many GPs are in their 60s/70s when grandchildren arrive, which is a struggle.

As to whether it was usual, what were your friends routines like? Surely in comparison they were not all spending that much time with their GPs? Asking to sleep there at the weekend after being there all week suggests that maybe you didn't really have a strong bond with your own parents.

It’s very unusual. Don’t replicate it, your children are your children. The not great relationship you have with your parents is a result of them not doing enough with you during childhood.

My parents will help me but there’s a limit, and I’m glad about that. They are my children and they’re my responsibility.

It wasn’t weird. What is weird is your expectation to replicate it with different people involved, at a different time/generation.

I know 2 grannies who are overly involved in their grandchildren’s life.
Both are nice people, who are very maternal, but both also have quite a ‘controlling’ aspect of their personality. Not in a bad way. Both of them are basically 3rd parents to their grandkids. They have them constantly and they do it because in their mind, their child needs support… they regularly say things like ‘oh they work so if it wasn’t for me they’d be exhausted’, or ‘poor xxx, they need me there to help because otherwise…’
Now this is not a ‘the parents are struggling’ thing, because they really are not. They work, but are normal parents more than capable of looking after their kids. But they jump at opportunity to off load their kids because the granny is so forceful that they do need help. Honestly, 1 granny constantly tells me how she’s exhausted because although retired she’s got a weekly sleepover, has her grandkid for a full week during any holidays, does daily school pick up, and even takes the kids to any after school activities.

my parents love my kids, they have occasional sleepovers and pick up once a week from school, but I find this level of intense 3rd parenting a ‘martyr’ level of commitment.
it’s odd to me, and I find it odd that you want your oarents/parents in law to be this involved. Your husbands right, they are your kids. You chose to have them. Primary caregiving is your responsibility (even if the i laws are staying at yours for a night).

Same here OP .My Nan effectively raised me to a large extent.Mum worked as Dad was ill ,and died young .My Mum and Stepdad babysat mine evenings or days for an hour or so(I was a SAHM )but they didnt have ON or early mornings! TBH I think our sort of GDP are a bit of a dying breed! If they do an evening or so thats fine .Maybe say to MIL you arent doing anything but would appreciate a break .If she doesnt want to thats her choice though

I had something similar. This was more normal in the old days, grandparents and friends of parents, neighbours getting really involved in raising kids. Families weren't so isolated and insular as they are now.

My mum worked a very demanding job so away from home AT LEAST 7am-6pm every day, also work trips abroad regularly etc. It wouldn't have been possible for her to have a career AND be a mum if this would have been the attitude of people close to her. Well, she could have, by spending ridiculous amounts on nannies, who I don't think were around en masse back in those days.

I loved being with my nan full-time while she was at work and I'm pretty sure she did a much better job than a nursery/nanny ever could have. You just care more if it's your own family. I was very advanced going into year 1 as I got so much 1-2-1 attention with reading, maths, general life skills etc.

Society is just different now. Would people leave the child with their neighbours? Many don't even know their neighbours. Or would a school mum go on holiday with their own DC and DC's best friend for a week or 2? No, absolutely not in this day and age, there's plenty of posts about it being CF here. However, life would be so much easier for women/ parents if there was more of a 'it takes a village' mindset. Starting with not having to book 6 weeks of AL during school holidays as sharing childcare with others is frowned upon.

It’s fair to say your grandparents raised you as parents would and therefore you haven’t experienced a traditional western grandparent relationship. What you experienced with your grandparents you should be trying to emulate yourself as parents (unless there’s a cultural aspect you haven’t shared with us).

Where I live most people have loads of grandparent help to allow parents to work so here your childhood would have been perfectly normal. However I'm not sure why you think your parents will want to do loads with your kids when they didn't even want to parent you?

Although not common, your set up wasn’t weird, and probably occurs far more than people think. In fact, isn’t there an increasing trend today for grandparents to look after grandchildren more whilst their parents work?

You were cared for and loved, so that’s the important thing to remember.

I spent a lot of time with my maternal grandparents growing up. My Nana had me 2 or 3 days per week from when my mum went back to work. I did also go to nursery a couple of full days though. And my aunt was a stay at home mum with two boys of a similar age so we spent a lot of time with her and my cousins.

I think it’s different with my parents because they both still work. My dad is sort of retired but still does a lot of freelance type stuff. My mum works three days per week. I think it’s totally fair that they don’t want to spend all their free time looking after kids. They have still done a lot of childcare for us, but it’s not physically possible for them to do more than they have!