Was my childhood routine weird?

[Mumof2inDevon]

Ive had some therapy recently about the struggles I have around parenting and we have gone through what happened in my childhood and how this creates ‘the norm’ on my views around parenting.

My Mum and Dad both worked and I went to my Dads Mums 5 days per week, nursery each morning for a few hours from around age 2, but dropped off and collected by Nanna. She did every school run, every sports day, everything, I was basically my Nannas child Monday to Friday 8am - 6pm.

My Nanna LOVED having me, was very maternal, was a massive ‘spoiler’ I was the only grandchild for 8 years.

Saturday nights I would ask for a ‘sleepover’ with Nanna and Grandad. My Mums perspective was I’d seen them all week but I loved my sleepovers there and we would be up early and go out on the Sunday too.

Therefore it’s reasonable to say I have been VERY disillusioned in what parenting has been like … my family live away, I’ve asked my Husbands mum seemingly endless times if she can have the kids stay over and the answer is always ‘why, what are you doing?’ As if I need to be doing something to have some help. My Nanna would have had me at the drop of a hat so I find it very weird … even my Husband said “well your childhood was just WEIRD” they’re our kids and we have to look after them!

Yet I remember the times with my Nanna being so positive and loving and I feel really sad that my parents, and his parents, don’t seem to want to have them! Even when mine come and stay they don’t want the baby monitors and the early mornings to help out. It’s so weird for me from my perspective can anyone offer any advice. X

I don’t think either scenario is unusual -

lots of people are raised by grandparents.

But equally, it’s not he job of grandparents to raise kids - they already did that. No harm in asking for help, but you have to accept a ‘no’. (Expecting your parents to take the baby monitors on a visit is pretty bloody cheeky though Op.)

It’s clearly not that unusual, as evidenced by all the posts here. It might not be the norm, but it’s not weird FFS. Your husband is being unkind (to put it mildly).

My mum didn’t work, but my siblings and I definitely stayed at our grandparents’ places during holidays or the odd weekend sleepover from when we were around primary school age. There didn’t need to be a reason for it. It was nice for us kids and our grandparents seemed to like having us around. (There was a lot more free ranging allowed in the 80s, so it’s not like they were constantly supervising us.)

I think it’s a shame OP that your parents got to have their “village to raise a child” but are unwilling to play a part of yours. To be honest my mum is a bit the same. Although she has helped one of my siblings a lot, apparently they “need” the help but the rest of us don’t. 🤔

I will say though, I think YABU to expect your parents and PILs to get up at sparrow’s fart with your kids when they stay over. It was nice for you because your grandfather was an early riser. They’re clearly not.

I don't think it's weird, I had similar with my grandparents. They had me after school and we went for long sleepovers. But I do think it's selfish of the parents in that situation, and it's not surprising that your parents don't want to do the same, given how much childcare (which is unpaid labour) they were willing to ask of your grandmother.

Looking back now, my parents have been very different grandparents than mine were, don't really engage with my kids and definitely would never provide that level of care.

If anything, i look back and wonder just how much my grandmother wanted to provide that level of care, it made it hard for her to travel during school times and she essentially had to be home every single day at 3pm. She also cooked us dinner once a week. We used to eat so much after school too, and I appreciate now how hungry kids are when they get home and just how lucky my parents were to not do that afterschool food provision and planning.

My mother claims that she offered to do so, but I wonder now if she knew just how much my parents would hold her to that offer, for literally years of her life, with not a single week off. They took a lot in retrospect. I'm grateful to my grandmother but I see it different now.

I was similar to you, at my grans 8am to 7pm mon-fri. The house was pretty dysfunctional, my grandad was an alcoholic, my nan was a bit of a toxic person, neither worked, on benefits, uncle would visit and I remember he'd be drunk at times and also kick the dog. I'd be sent there on Sundays too. I was abused at home and have an Ace score of 7.

I don't have a relationship with my parents. I married my husband who doesn't have a great family so we are pretty much on our own.

I've did therapy and we've did marriage therapy aswell, not solely around having no support but that was a big part of it.

I think something that stuck with me from therapy was that it's normal at each stage of our child's life to compare your parenting to how you were parented.

As I'm dealing with preteen stages my own memories are clearer and I compare to what we are doing as parents. I am a good hearted person and have strived to be a good parent and break cycle of abuse. But it's hard when I am dealing with typical grumbles from kids, in the moment I am trying to do the right thing whilst my brain at times simultaneously remembers how I would have suffered if I grumbled at my parents.

My parents didn't want to parent. They pretty much despised me and still do. It's nice that your gran loved you. I never felt that from my gran. I didn't have one sleepover at my grans which my parents resented and I remember them complaining and saying horrible things about my gran because she wouldn't have me overnight. But maybe she didn't want me there as my grandad would have been more drunk by the evening I'm assuming.

Would you like to share what parenting your finding difficult/has led you to therapy? x

Realistically your grandparents life was very different from your parents. My mum and her mum never worked after having children. I went back to teaching after having my boys and were really lucky to have my parents support in looking after them while I was in working but they as older grandparents found it hard (never complained). I think of myself now as a grandparent likely to be 70 + husband 75+ I don’t think we will be able to give as much support however much we want to.

I don’t think that is weird. I got dropped off at my grandmas every morning and she would take me to preschool, and then she would pick me up and I’d go to her place until about 5ish when my dad would pick me up. I also used to love having sleepovers at grandmas and would often go there on the weekends.

Surely you want a good relationship with your child? You can’t cherry pick

just say to them your kids would like to see them

What stood out from your OP for me was the comment about your in laws not wanting the monitor for early morning. I couldn’t ever imagine having people stay and giving the monitor to get up with my DC, in my home. Your expectation seems way off.

your DC have 2 parents, share the lie ins with your DH.

I don't think it was an unusual childhood, I think it was very common in the 80s and 90s. All my friends had really close relationships with their grandparents. I've had regular conversations with them about how different things are these days, grandparents are in general a lot less involved. It is sad, my grandparents were a huge part of my life and I felt privileged to be able to care for them as they aged, as have other friends of mine with their grandparents. I do think children and grandparents are missing out on a lot by having less contact and grandparents not being involved in caring for the child.

It’s unusual in the sense that it’s not how many choose to live. You were very close to your grandmother but not as close to your parents, I wouldn’t be trying the emulate that set up if I’m honest. And would you look to be doing the bulk of child rearing for your GC when your own children are grown?

I think a good bond with grandparents is nice, my DD has a a close bond with her GM and they see each other reguarly. But I don’t give her the monitor and she’s never done the mornings. Those are things we do as parents, I think that’s what forms attachment.

Grandparents might sometimes do a day of childcare or a night of babysitting, and they pop round with toys and treats, but I’ve not known them to do the bulk of child rearing before (unless in very sad circumstances).

I don’t think it’s weird. It’s just different from many people including your husband’s family.

(There are some cultures where grandparents are very close and very involved daily, so it would be strange to call millions of people weird just because they live differently)

My mum is very involved when she stays over and she’s happy to have young DC in the morning so we can sleep a bit longer, does everything, etc so some grandparents do that

It's not weird but it's not "normal" either.

I spent a lot of time with my grandparents and uncles/aunts but because my mum did orr just because they and I wanted to. My mum stayed home til we were both at school so it was only a need for breaks or emergencies.

We're a close family, so there was lots of visiting. But my parents raised me. Your Nanna raised you. You were very attached to her and from the sounds of your updates a bit less attached to your parents because of it. It doesn't sound like you had a bad childhood, just different to most.

For most kids, that attachment is to their parents and it should be that way. Grandparents have done their child rearing and if they want to be involved it's an added bonus.

It's similar for me, my grandmother looked after me several days and overnights a week for my whole childhood, and now she needs care I look after her. Whereas my parents aren't really involved with my child. It's upsetting but in the end it's their loss.

One thing to think about is why you think your parents in particular would want heavy involvement with a child who isn’t theirs, when they didn’t want heavy involvement with their own child.
they didn’t raise their own child, so why would they continue to raising someone else’s?

Millions of people both work and millions of people also raise their kids at the same time. Its understandable you struggle with this, but it’s totally unreasonable to expect it or even want it.

That's great.

My daughters used to sleep one or twice a week at my mums (separately) until they were about 11 and 8. Then they stopped. They are now 14 and 12. My mum is still upset by this. I don't think there is a reason they just can't be bothered when she's 10 min (drive) down the road.

I don’t think it’s weird. This level of inter generational support was the norm for many and was one of the reasons working class women worked when middle class
women were staying home. For generations women in my family worked and childcare was provided by an older or disabled relative who lived with extended family.

Its not a given though, and if it doesn’t work for your parents and in-laws then that’s the end of it.

They both worked though.

Dh is military and I don't work so I'm around for my kids 24/7. Yet we struggle for money. These days both parents have to work to survive.

Your normal sounds so lovely!

I would be expecting your husband to do early morning and baby monitor then taking first of all. Does he do this?

No your childhood wasn’t weird at all.
It sounds lovely in fact because you felt happy, safe, wanted and protected.
Your parents ensured you were well looked after and loved. They wanted you at weekends but as a little one you preferred the excitement of sleeping over with your grand parents because they were good company whenever you were awake, especially in the early mornings.
It sounds as though you felt loved and cherished even though both parents had to work and had to rely on child care a lot. No doubt your mum had no choice but to work to ensure a roof over your heads …..and that sort of childhood, with lots of time away from parents is exactly the norm for most families these days.

However, from what you say, it seems your attachment bond was closer with your grandmother than with your own mother and that to me is unusual. (but not weird)
The attachment bond is normally much stronger between mother and child.
It’s obvioulsy why you are struggling with your parenting and why you are feeling that you and your children are missing out on something.

The most important question to ask is ….do your children feel loved and cherished by you, their parents. If so, their attachment bond to you is strong, and they aren’t missing out on anything and will thrive. And you can be happy you are doing a good job.

You aren’t a morning person any more OP. Is there anything you can do to help yourself with that I wonder. eg.Take it turns to get up early to be with the children so that one can have a proper sleep in, go to bed earlier, encourage your children to invite friends for sleep overs so that this can be reciprocated.

Relationships with grandparents and wider family are important to enrich a child’s life and you were lucky to be very close to yours. But your high expectations that this should be replicated are too much. It’s good that your own parents come to stay but it seems that they and your in-laws have an entirely different perspective and don’t expect to be doing the hard work of child care any more.

You can talk to them about how you feel but in the end I think it’s going to have to be you to make the adjustments. All the best for you all.

@GiantPigeon

I'm sorry that happened. Even with all you went through your replies are kind and dignified unlike a few on here!!!

Definitely not weird and not unusual when I grew up in the 70s. Grandma's didn't work so often quite involved with grandchildren. My grandma had 14 grandchildren and one of them was always in her house and we had lots of sleepovers, wonderful times. I'm the same with my grandchildren, only two of them though. I love helping my girls to make their lives easier.

My MIL is used like that by her sons apart from my DH. We decided to live a bit further and do things on our own and raise our own kids. We only bring the kids there to bond with the grandparents but other than that, we do all caring and raising ourselves I dislike the fact that they most of the time end up watching youtube all day at nans! If she was a bit more of an active nan, taking the kids outdoor and other local activities (I have seen those grandparents and I am jealous) I would be more open to my kids going there more often…