Was my childhood routine weird?

[Mumof2inDevon]

Ive had some therapy recently about the struggles I have around parenting and we have gone through what happened in my childhood and how this creates ‘the norm’ on my views around parenting.

My Mum and Dad both worked and I went to my Dads Mums 5 days per week, nursery each morning for a few hours from around age 2, but dropped off and collected by Nanna. She did every school run, every sports day, everything, I was basically my Nannas child Monday to Friday 8am - 6pm.

My Nanna LOVED having me, was very maternal, was a massive ‘spoiler’ I was the only grandchild for 8 years.

Saturday nights I would ask for a ‘sleepover’ with Nanna and Grandad. My Mums perspective was I’d seen them all week but I loved my sleepovers there and we would be up early and go out on the Sunday too.

Therefore it’s reasonable to say I have been VERY disillusioned in what parenting has been like … my family live away, I’ve asked my Husbands mum seemingly endless times if she can have the kids stay over and the answer is always ‘why, what are you doing?’ As if I need to be doing something to have some help. My Nanna would have had me at the drop of a hat so I find it very weird … even my Husband said “well your childhood was just WEIRD” they’re our kids and we have to look after them!

Yet I remember the times with my Nanna being so positive and loving and I feel really sad that my parents, and his parents, don’t seem to want to have them! Even when mine come and stay they don’t want the baby monitors and the early mornings to help out. It’s so weird for me from my perspective can anyone offer any advice. X

your husband is right, they are your children, your responsibility. Wouldn’t we all like a lie in! This is where you build a parental bond.

its nice to have help but it isn’t an obligation and DH’s parents did all the getting up and raising of him. Why shouldn’t you do the same.

painful as it is, it sounds like your parents didn’t want to put in the effort and let you wonderful Nan and Grandad do it. Don’t make the same mistake, put in the effort yourself but as you MIL has said, she’ll help out if you are trying to go out/away for the weekend every now and then, but they are your children to raise

It was the same for me, only difference is my mum didn't work and I spent most of my time with my grandparents from the age of 6 because my sibling was born and I became the scapegoat, very lonely and unloved at home. With my grandparents I felt happy and loved. I went everywhere with them and I truly believe they adored me like their own.

Now, with my own children, I get no help but - more important than that - my children have nobody they can rely on or feel loved by, except me and their dad. I knew my mother would be useless as a grandparent as she doesn't have a maternal bone in her body (except towards my sibling, seemingly) but my children's paternal grandparents would rather spend time with other grandchildren instead of the ones that came from me.

It is what it is, I used to feel very bitter about having no help. But it's more than that, I want their grandparents to WANT to spend time with them - like mine did. I've accepted it isn't going to happen.

My childhood routine was very much the same. We’d only go home at night perhaps 6pm onwards.

Only that meant we would have to walk to the local pub to meet my parents, sometimes left waiting for hours outside, then go home to an unbelievably dirty house.

my grandmothers was my refuge. For sure.

Their alcoholism and lack of parenting has led to no contact in my adult life.

Your childhood was unusual - parents normally do the majority of actual parenting. It sounds like a wonderful relationship with your Nanna but you didn't spend much time with your parents - most people would not want that for their family.

I suspect because your parents did so little, they don't realise how tiring it is and how helpful it is when gp step up and give support. They probably thought they could have managed fine without it.

As a child, I didn't spend much time with my gp on either side. They were quite old by the time I was born. We did see them a few times a year but they weren't involved and certainly never looked after me. Now I have dc, I want them to have a close relationship with gp and we do see them often, but I have to say they haven't really looked after them much - the odd evening but never a whole day or overnight. They just found it too much / didn't have confidence / didn't want to do it.

I think you just have to accept what your dp are able to offer. There is no point comparing with others / your past.

I'm the opposite in that I was never cared for by anyone other than parents (they were immigrants and had no family in England) and would never expect them to do any child care and nor would they want to. They're happy to see us all as a family but I don't think I could even ask them to watch an under 5 year old for an hour in our own home. Partly due to age & health (approaching 80, unwell). Older children who could quietly entertain themselves for an hour, left with a sandwich that I'd made them...maybe. And only in an emergency.

My friends keep saying how awful it is and what kind of grandparents are they to do NO childcare but I just keep my mouth shut because I think the way their own in laws and parents are treated as free childcare is awful. One example...two days a week (8am-6pm) a couple in their 80s are caring for a toddler and a baby, and making it clear they are struggling and then they are also expected to have the children overnight so the couple "get a break". And it's assumed this will go on until the children are school age and even then they'll be doing most of the before/after school care. One of them fell looking after the children and broke their hip, and the kids were sent back the day after they'd got home from hospital.

Another "only had a baby as mum said she'd retire and do all the child care". Well, sadly, her mother died while she was pregnant and her Dad and Step-Mum weren't happy to then have the grandchild thrust on them and be expected to retire to care for her. This particular colleague goes on and on about it, "it's like they don't even want to be involved in raising her.", "thanks to them not even taking two days each, I can't work fulltime anymore! I can only do 4 days! And that's with me having to PAY for Breakfast and ASC!!!", "I told Dad and Carol that they can pay some of the childcare fees and for half of the holiday club, seeing as it's their grandchild they're refusing to care for!".

My parents attitude is, "we've raised our kids without help, we've done our time." and honestly, I don't see it as unjust, unfair etc. I wouldn't have had kids expecting someone else to raise them and the level of entitlement I sometimes hear and see is insane. It's nice of GPs to offer. But rude and cheeky to expect.

I do think your childhood experience differed from the norm and it would be incredibly entitiled to expect the same committment from your childs GPs.

Your childhood wasn’t weird, it sounds loving and warm. Mine was similar in every respect. Very close knit family and grandparents played a much appreciated close hand in raising grandchildren seven days a week, as well as practical childcare as paid childcare wasn’t an option for my parents. I feel so lucky . But it’s now definitely unusual. It was specific to the era you grew up in.

I’d recommend writing down your memories so one day your children can read them, as society may be even less close knit in years to come - social links seem to be changing rapidly.

My Nanna (mums mum) lived next door and she picked us up from school a lot as my mum worked full time, but nights, so she was able to pick me up Monday and Friday but my Nanna did the rest. My mum was up by 4pm though so it didn’t feel like we spent excessive time next door. I enjoyed sleepovers there too. My mum was very supportive when I had my eldest child when I was still a teen and did a lot of babysitting / childcare. But by the time I had ds2 and dd I lived 250 miles away, so had zero support. I don’t think your childhood was that unusual no.

I think OPs childhood was unusual. It sounds like she was basically raised by grandparents with little or no input from actual parents.

As I child I would stay with my grandparents for a few days every summer but other than that it was always whole family visits.

My children have never stayed with or been looked after by grandparents apart from one day when DH and I had something special on and they reluctantly came to our place to look after DCs for a few hours.

So I wouldn’t say her childhood was weird but definitely not the norm in my experience.

You need to take a look at the time. Your grandmother was of the generation where women didn't work or worked very little so was available to provide round o'clock care for grandchildren. Your parents both were the generation where they had to work to provide and I assume your in the same boat. Your parents I take it are still working or coming into retirement having worked. It's not the same. You also have two dc where as you admit to being the only grandchild for 8 years. Your husband is right you choose to have your dc and it's your responsibility no one else's.

It wasn't "weird" - it was normal for you. It sounds lovely. Hopefully you and the other adults in your family can give your children a lovely childhood that is normal for them. It may not look the same as yours did. Everyone's circumstances are different - people may have different commitments eg work (we're all working for longer now than we did 30 years ago), proximity to extended family, health issues, caring responsibilities, availability and ease of travel, all sorts of things. No two setups are exactly the same but both can be good.

I don’t think your childhood was weird, I know a few friends who spent a lot of time with grandparents. Just because your childhood was different from your husbands doesn’t make it weird!

my gran (mums mum ) was heavily involved in our lives as my mum was widowed when I was 4 so my mum had to go from part time hours to full time hours and my gran and aunts were the childcare. We loved sleepovers with my gran and aunts and that was just part and parcel of our lives,

I just think families lived closer and were more “together” when I was a child in the 80s and 90s.

Your parents sound like my sibling and their partner. Their kids are so sad and detached. One asked for a hug the other day and the parent just said ‘ahh’ (didn’t follow up with the requested hug). They don’t know what their kids eat as grandparents and school always feed them. Very sad. So yes, IMO your upbringing was weird.

When exactly do parents get a rest these days if you are supposed to work, raise your kids, raise your grandkids, keep working and then also look after the elders?

You had crap parents and now you’re expecting them to raise their grandkids? Unlikely

Childhoods vary dramatically due to everyone having different circumstances to deal with however I do think what you experience and see as normal during your own childhood often carries through to the next generation.

My grandparents never looked after me for even an hour. I certainly never got picked up from school by them or stopped overnight at their house. In fact I can’t ever recall being in the company of any of my grandparents alone without my parents in attendance. I think much of this is because my parents didn’t really like their own parents very much.

Fast forward a few decades and now I have a DS my parents and indeed PIL offer absolutely no support whatsoever. The prospect of them offering even an hour of childcare is the stuff of fantasy despite them living locally. Their view is that they managed without assistance so we should too.

Suffice to say we’re not a close family!

I can't recall my, or anyone else's, parents, needing the amount of "rest" and "breaks" from their own children that most modern day parents claim to need, when I was growing up in the 90s/00s.

She isn't.

Your childhood does some quite weird/unusual and I’m someone who had a very close relationship with both sets of grandparents. I never saw them before school but they always picked me up after school for a few hours as well as splitting school holidays 50/50 with my other grandad who we also saw at least twice a week.

Im close with my parents now but they have no where near the same involvement with my kids. Mainly because they are still working

Your nan sounded amazing. She effectively become your parent and actively parented you, as your parents weren't available. I've never experienced anything like that with either grandparent! Most grandparents aren't that involved with grandchildren. I did not have a bond with either grandparent. When they passed on, I was unaffected. You can't force in-laws to be that kind of grandparent. They will only do what they want to. You can be that grandparent, for your own grandchildren in the future.

I hope the therapy goes well so you can enjoy the memories without feeling bad about it. No judgment here. It is what it is.

I didn’t have much to do with my grandparents when I was growing up.

When GPs visit do they spend time with your kids?

They don't have to have overnights or get up early to bond with them!

Not wanting to do that doesn't mean that they don't care.

I think it's odd that you think they need to emulate your GPs.

Your childhood sounds a bit unusual to me but not unheard of. My MIL is a bit like your Nan in that she looks after SIL's kids all the time. It got a bit silly a few years back when they had their own rooms at Nana's house and they would stay for weeks on end. This was when they were maybe 18 months and 8 years. The younger one definitely has attachment issues now and refused her own mum for ages when she was small. SIL has had another baby awhile ago and they all still get shipped off to Nana's multiple times a week and she does the school runs and activities etc. She's very loving with them all, but she is run ragged and she's getting on a bit, and we sometimes worry about how long she can continue. She also has another GC to look after so occasionally she has four kids while the mums are "catching a break".

She doesn't look after ours because I want to look after my own DC. It never occurred to me to get GPs to help with childcare, but that's probably because it wasn't the done thing where I'm from. I had a decent relationship with my GPs but they never babysat us and we weren't particularly close. I am very close to my own parents though, because they were always there for me. I'm sure there is a balance to be struck between the two extremes.

So your grandparents had you until 6pm Monday - Friday, overnight on Saturday and you went out on Sundays?
sounds like your parents were very hands off - I can’t see how you thought they’d be involved grandparents when it seems they hardly parented you?

No not weird at all. That was your family setup and that's fine. I struggled to come to terms with grandparents not giving the same help that they had when I was young. Especially as they were retired. I am determined to make sure I won't be the same with my grandchildren. It's their loss! Your husband probably says it's weird to cover up that he finds it disappointing too. Of course it's normal for grandparents to want to help out!

I think any feelings about it being your turn for help should be directed at your parents not your ILs (assuming your ILs did do most of the care for your DH).

It's interesting you want to see it as a family norm and not just one set of fairly absent parents. It's likely your Nanna didn't get a "turn" of doing no care, she probably looked after your mum herself. Are you worried that if it isn't a family norm, then you'll have to explore the possibility your parents were just not that engaged?

It's great you had a loving, happy childhood, but your desperation for it to be "normal" is odd, when any glance around you (as a child or mum) would show you it isn't. Don't risk your relationship with your ILs on being right about this.