Was my childhood routine weird?

[Mumof2inDevon]

Ive had some therapy recently about the struggles I have around parenting and we have gone through what happened in my childhood and how this creates ‘the norm’ on my views around parenting.

My Mum and Dad both worked and I went to my Dads Mums 5 days per week, nursery each morning for a few hours from around age 2, but dropped off and collected by Nanna. She did every school run, every sports day, everything, I was basically my Nannas child Monday to Friday 8am - 6pm.

My Nanna LOVED having me, was very maternal, was a massive ‘spoiler’ I was the only grandchild for 8 years.

Saturday nights I would ask for a ‘sleepover’ with Nanna and Grandad. My Mums perspective was I’d seen them all week but I loved my sleepovers there and we would be up early and go out on the Sunday too.

Therefore it’s reasonable to say I have been VERY disillusioned in what parenting has been like … my family live away, I’ve asked my Husbands mum seemingly endless times if she can have the kids stay over and the answer is always ‘why, what are you doing?’ As if I need to be doing something to have some help. My Nanna would have had me at the drop of a hat so I find it very weird … even my Husband said “well your childhood was just WEIRD” they’re our kids and we have to look after them!

Yet I remember the times with my Nanna being so positive and loving and I feel really sad that my parents, and his parents, don’t seem to want to have them! Even when mine come and stay they don’t want the baby monitors and the early mornings to help out. It’s so weird for me from my perspective can anyone offer any advice. X

Your parents didn't like parenting so why would they suddenly like it now? I wouldn't be surprised at all to be honest.

I think you may also be recalling how much your grandparents loved it through the somewhat skewed eyes of a child. I'm certain they loved you immensely, and I'm glad they made you feel they always loved having you there. That doesn't mean they actually always enjoyed every minute of having to do most of the work of raising a child (and of course you don't remember when you were youngest and it was most taxing). I also suspect they may have had their own opinion of your parents' parenting, or lack thereof, and perhaps their own views on why it was better all round for you to be with them most of the time (it sounds like home wasn't that stable for you).

As you've discovered through having your own, you can love a child hugely but that doesn't mean you'd always be queuing up to do early mornings with them or take on the responsibility and work of looking after them on a day to day basis. Your grandparents absolutely stepped up and went above and beyond for their own reasons in the situation they found themselves in; you can't just expect that your in-laws, who had nothing to do with this situation, will do the same.

Shut up, my dad was in the navy but we never moved with him. my mum worked 2 jobs. That's just what was done. It wasn't about opting out of parenting. Some of my fondest memories of childhood were summers with my cousins. My relationship with my parents haven't suffered either.

Like I said in my post, this was very much the norm where I grew up in Scotland.

My parents were hugely involved with my brother's children (we lived a long way away), but they were both retired by 65, my mum retired at 60. So many grandparents, sadly, are having to work full time until past the age that their grandchildren need them.

It's nice that you had such a great relationship with your nanna. I don't think it's weird but I also don't think because it was your norm that it should be your expectations.

Our home was a bit different. My nanny used to drop all my uncles and aunties to our house and my mum would do breakfast and packed lunches and take everyone to school. Then she'd pick everyone up and they'd eat at our houe. My nan would come home, eat and take her children home. On the weekend we would go to my nans and look after us. My uncles and aunties are a bit like my siblings.

Yes, sorry OP but the way I see it is that your parents opted out of a lot of the parenting of you, so it would be a surprise if they suddenly wanted to be hands on grandparents.

I don't think it's all that common for grandparents to have grandchildren stay overnight without a significant reason. So if your parents and in-laws don't offer to do this, it doesn't seem surprising to me and I think you just need to accept that's what they prefer. My parents and PILs are local and DS1 stayed overnight with my parents for two nights when I was in hospital having DS2. Other than that they have not stayed overnight with grandparents. In fact DS2 aged nearly 7 has only met one of his grandads twice but that's another story.

I think you have to accept that your parents and PIL just don't want to be that involved in looking after their grandchildren. You're not entitled to expect help from them, it's your job to get up early with your children and take care of them. It's sad that they won't have such a close relationship as you had with your nan but people are different and there's no point in lamenting that things are not how you want them to be. Accepting the reality will make your life easier in the long run.

But you've said that you went to stay on Saturday nights when your mum at least could have been spending quality time with you? It's great that your grandparents stepped up, but there's no way in hell I'd be packing my kids off at the weekend if I had barely seen them all week.

You're confusing me with OP. I never mentioned Saturdays. However in the early 80s my mum done cleaning in mornings and evening pub shifts, the pub ones were clearly not Mon to Fri.

Parents did what they had to do, we weren't living in a world of minimum wage or worktime regulations.

Sorry, thought it was a name change glitch. Your situation is totally different from the OPs then? Of course parents have to do what they have to do, but the OP's post talks about staying with grandparents Saturday night and then a trip on Sunday when her parents were home. Which obviously not the same as yours.

Your expectations of the grandparents' level of involvement are skewed.

It's more normal for parents to have your husband's attitude and approach - you are the primary carers of your children and the children are not shared around unless there's an emergency or a special occasion.

GPs could visit and have good times with your children, but sleeping over would be a big ask, and daily care for years on end would be extraordinary.

Also this.

I think it's lovely that your nana stepped in when your parents couldn't/wouldn't. I also don't think it weird as I see lots of grandparents doing childcare where I am. I'm a little jealous, my parents have never had my children without payment and begging. They prefer for me to be there to parent and parent them too.

For me, it's quite unusual.
I find it strange when people see their grandparents as 2nd mums or dads. Unfortunately I hardly knew my grandparents. One set died when I was young and one set lived very far away.
I do have friends who were/are extremely close to their grandparents, and some grandparents that do a lot of childcare.

It must be hard when you were so close your nanny that DHs parents don't seem to replicate that relationship you associate with grandparents. However, they don't owe this to you.
They have done their child rearing. It may be an unpopular opinion but your children are yours to look after, and you shouldn't expect help.

'Weird' is an unhelpful word, but it's certainly unusual to be looked after so much by your Grandparents.

I'm surprised that you were expecting your parents to be hands-on given how hands-off they were with you when you were little.

The key thing to understand is that everyone is different, you can't be annoyed because all people don't treat being a Grandparent the same as your Nana. Different stokes for different folks.

Also, important to remember that your DH is right; they're your kids. It's nice to have help, of course, but you can't expect it. No-one except you and your DH have a duty of care to your kids.

Many of us have had similar experiences in childhood to you OP. Absolutely amazing memories!

Also much more common in non Western cultures.

Your parents couldn’t be bothered to raise you@Mumof2inDevon, why do you think they’d be interested in raising your children?!

I’m glad you had a positive primary caregiver to replace them but no, this isn’t normal and it is weird to expect your inlaws to want to do it.

My daughter is 5 and we haven’t had a single night off yet. Our families are not local.

I have this currently! My mum is my child's "second parent" (no dad) I'm so so so grateful. She dotes on her and has helped raise her since she was tiny. We are very lucky. She doesn't live in the same town, but looks after her at least two weekends of the month. Their bond is incredible. I hope that I can do this if I ever get the chance to be a granny! She would do anything for my little girl! My mum is in her late 70s, she's more patient than I am. My little girl is very lucky!!! She always says to me why wouldn't she want to enjoy the small amount of time she has with her!!

This is extremely rude and many full time parents treat their kids exactly the same by taking them to nursery then school with wraparound care.

Unless they’re managing to out them n nursery all weekend too, no they don’t

I think Mumsnet is very skewed towards people who have minimal grandparent involvement in their child's life.

In reality, I see lots of children round me spending a lot of time with grandparents - especially before/after school, because parents are working and they're close to their family. In addition, plenty of grandparents enjoy their grandchildren enough to want to spend time with them at weekends doing fun stuff. We're very lucky in having 2 sets of grandparents who regularly ask to have our kids just because they want their company, and have sleepovers etc.

in addition, when they were little our parents would always take them in the morning to give us a lie in, because they knew how exhausted we were from the endless early starts. And also just because they liked it. If I get the opportunity I fully intend to do what I can to both support my children, and develop a special relationship with any future grandchildren.

So no, while your experience is less common I don't think it's at all weird, and I don't think you're wrong to be disappointed that you're not getting the support from your own parents that they had.

Normal is a very wide spectrum. Everything you describe sounds normal to me. Your children’s grandparents are completely within their rights to do as much or as little with your children.

I was the same op.
Parents worked
Grandma took care of us.
Sleep overs sometimes
I loved my gm very much obviously, but felt out of step with my peers , old fashioned, so I was determined to parent my own children myself.
I'd lost my dm at 20 anyway.

My Nan had us all week, and often weekends if we weren't staying with my Dad. She came every day.

My DP was also the same. So I don't find it odd.