Was my childhood routine weird?

[Mumof2inDevon]

Ive had some therapy recently about the struggles I have around parenting and we have gone through what happened in my childhood and how this creates ‘the norm’ on my views around parenting.

My Mum and Dad both worked and I went to my Dads Mums 5 days per week, nursery each morning for a few hours from around age 2, but dropped off and collected by Nanna. She did every school run, every sports day, everything, I was basically my Nannas child Monday to Friday 8am - 6pm.

My Nanna LOVED having me, was very maternal, was a massive ‘spoiler’ I was the only grandchild for 8 years.

Saturday nights I would ask for a ‘sleepover’ with Nanna and Grandad. My Mums perspective was I’d seen them all week but I loved my sleepovers there and we would be up early and go out on the Sunday too.

Therefore it’s reasonable to say I have been VERY disillusioned in what parenting has been like … my family live away, I’ve asked my Husbands mum seemingly endless times if she can have the kids stay over and the answer is always ‘why, what are you doing?’ As if I need to be doing something to have some help. My Nanna would have had me at the drop of a hat so I find it very weird … even my Husband said “well your childhood was just WEIRD” they’re our kids and we have to look after them!

Yet I remember the times with my Nanna being so positive and loving and I feel really sad that my parents, and his parents, don’t seem to want to have them! Even when mine come and stay they don’t want the baby monitors and the early mornings to help out. It’s so weird for me from my perspective can anyone offer any advice. X

I think it was much more common 25+ years ago for grandmothers to be housewives and therefore available to help out more.
I grew up in the 90s, and although my grandmother didn’t do quite as much as yours did, it was still way more than my own parents would be able to help out with my children as they are both still working full time, and will be for another 10 years.

Women used to be able to retire at 60, around about the time they'd expect to become grandparents. Now they have to work until 67 - that's seven extra years to get tired and ground down, there's a lot of difference between 60 and 67 in terms of health and energy levels. So grandparents often had the time and energy to care for grandchildren, whereas now they are often still working when grandchildren arrive, and by the time they retire they are too knackered to take on childcare again!

I have had therapy for a toxic emotionally neglectful childhood.

I was very close with one grandparent too, without all of my grandparents I have no idea how I would have survived my childhood. We lived with grandparents a few times too as a family so I was then 100% with them and not my siblings and parents.

I then raised my own child 100% alone after having my DC as a teenager. There was no other parent and apart from holidays here and there like show off style grandparents there was no other help. But the difference between you and I was I knew there wouldn’t be. My parents weren’t interested in me as a child I was shipped off all over the place so they certainly were not going to be interested in helping me when I became a parent.

The grandparents you are after for your child are your own grandparent, likewise for me. But the people we actually have are our own parents so they are never going to be able to be that person for us.

So true. It's also tied up with age factors as well as retirement age/whether they worked or not.

My grandmother was a sahm and then became a grandparent in her 50s. She helped raise us and had endless energy. My own mother worked part time until we were at secondary school then flat out, then became a grandmother in her early 60s, pre retirement. She's retired now and has a totally different level of energy when caring for my children in her late 60s to my siblings' in her early 60s. She takes my siblings' children away for five/seven nights on holiday. No way could she do that for mine, as when they're old enough to go, she will be mid 70s. Nor would I expect it mind you.

You sound like u feel u are entitled to loads of childcare from both sets of parents. You aren't. They can say no without them being bad grandparents.
Your upbringing wasn't weird.
But u asking them 'endless times ' is weird. Read the room and stop making the situation awkward.
Pay for childcare if you don't want to look after Ur own kids.

I think it's a compliment because they see you as a functioning and competent parent. The only reason to have a childhood like yours would be if the parent couldn't cope with parenting full time due to mental/physical health reasons etc.

Your nanna sounds like the most lovely person and it sounds like you were loved so much. You were very lucky. Such a shame you get very little support from your parents and ILs now - have a lovely time with your children without their involvement, they will regret it one day.

I think that these things often seem normal and desirable to children, who don't see the particular reasons why their childhoods operated as they did. My mum was the eldest of 11, spent her childhood looking after younger kids. My gran was only 17 years older than her and they were pregnant at the same time twice. By the time she'd finished raising her own kids my gran had had enough and closed up shop - she was NOT in the market for babysitting duties! My poor mum, by then a single parent, never got her payback...

As kids this all seemed quite jolly and amicable to us. I suspect now that it wasn't. In the same way, I wonder if your childhood was less about your family's preferred ways of doing things, and more about everyone struggling to find ways of coping. I understand your disappointment, but hold on to the stability your dc will have at home with two parents, with grandparents an occasional delightful bonus.

It was weird but obviously it's not at all weird to expect grandma's to want to be involved.

I'm the youngest of 4 and my Mum had to go back to work to feed and clothe us. I spent idyllic weeks with my grandparents from the age of 2. I had so much more than my siblings and feel a bit guilty for this. I was dropped to them on Sunday evening and my dad picked me up on Friday evening when he finished work. Summer holidays were magical, I spent all of my time up the mountain or in the outside swimming pool. I went home when I was hungry or bored, which was rare. My Nana was a force of nature, she stood 4'8" and was not afraid of anything. When I went home on a Friday evening she cried like she would never see me again, she was as strong an ox and had a heart of gold. My parents were hands on with my kids but I never took them for granted.

If your parents weren’t very hands on with you, why do you think they’d want to be hands on GP?

I grew up similar to you although raised by a single parent who worked and so my Nan was a huge presence in my life. Plus we lived only doors away from each other.

My IL’s don’t see our DC as often but they live approx 35-40 minutes away and MIL is ill and our kids are a lot plus some extra.

My mum sees them more but can’t have them together on her own because of illness, and the fact that they’re a lot plus extra.

GP do not have to be hands on.
Your Gran sounds amazing like mine was.

Sorry for your situation

Hello OP. I really feel for you. To me it seems there is a real sadness around this situation for you and I can understand why. You were incredibly lucky with your Nana and the close bond you clearly had with her and I almost feel like you are suffering a bereavement on behalf of your children because they are not experiencing the same situation with your parents. I’m assuming your Nana is no longer around? I really hope that therapy helps you. Unfortunately society these days has moved on somewhat and things rarely stay the same. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to indulge in the feelings of loss. I feel this is a process that you need to go through in order to come out the other side , but you need to remember that your children won’t suffer the loss that you feel as they know no different. I hope you’re getting support from your husband around this. I wish you all the best. When I was young, my Nan lived in an annex with us and did the lions share of the childcare and I was very close to her, not on the level that you were with your Nana but I was still very close so I can understand how this makes you feel.

DH has the childhood you describe, his granny lived with them until she passed away and he adored her.
I grew up away from any living grandparents so visits were infrequent. I was regularly farmed out for the summer for weeks long sleepovers at other relatives.
DH's mother always offered to look after DS, and loved spending time with him. He was only little when she died but he has fond memories and missed her terribly - still does tbh. DM has never looked after him. Even when we really needed the help. So I stopped asking her. It's her loss.

The only part of your childhood that sounds a bit odd to me is that your parents allowed a weekly sleepover in addition to the daily care - it meant your parents did no parenting and your grandparents got no time off! So maybe your parents have no clue how hard parenting is. It is very hard to earn enough and grandparent childcare was the norm before daycare.

Both my sets of grandparents were really as involved as they could be (one set an hour away and one an ocean away). Anytime I slept ar either house my parents did get a lie in, thanks to early bird grandads. My dad is the same. Very willing to sneak grand kids away in the morning if we go away together or when the kids do a sleepover.

My MIL confuses me, but I take her as she is after a trying first 3 years. She is very vocal about helping and tells everyone how saintly she is dedicating her life to grandkids. But she doesn’t wake up till 3, 4, 5pm and will ask to babysit and yet doesn’t do dispers 🤷🏻‍♀️. So she can’t babysit. Even helping in the house. With my first I’d ask her to watch the baby while I ran a load of laundry (so 60 seconds) or took a shower (20 min). And she’d say yes and then wander off. So she visits with my kids and tells everyone she helps. It sounds like your in laws just want to visit and that’s fine for their relationship with the kids. Hopefully if they visit they can play with your kids while you shower. If not, that’s it.

All you can do is be a great mum and if you have grandkids be a fantastic grandma and help as much as your kids want you to (they might need to set boundaries - I had to with my parents when they’d been taking my son every Wednesday and then he started T/Th daycare and was too tired for a full day out W.

My kids are more than 10 years younger than my brothers’ and my parents were sad to tell me they wouldn’t be able to do as much for mine. I assured them it was fine. My nieces got weeklong summer “camp” at my parents’ and full weekends, both together. My boys (also wilder) will get a 16hour sleepover max and usually separate. The boys are wild and my parents are older! To me this is just as special.

I spent more time with my grandparents than my mum (divorced parents, saw dad EOW). Mum worked full time st points, with a long commute so after schools and some weekday overnight stays were regular features. Plus Sunday lunch, and all of the school holidays including taking us away for holidays.

I was very close to them and would ask to go even when it wasn't needed for childcare. They massively shaped my early life and I was very lucky to have them. So your childhood doesn't sound weird to me.

My Nanna was at home, and my grandad retired when I was about 4 at age 60.

We had our kids young, and all GP worked full time when our dc were small. My mum liked to have the kids when they were toddlers and lives locally. However as she had got older she finds herself more tired at work and became really restrictive around when she would have them and for how long. We never relied on GP for childcare while we worked so it was all for social family time. We had to accept that times were different with extended working lives and latter retirements. Tbf, i think people are more selfish these days and less interested in the wider extended family or community.