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One-child families

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Original poster

Husband doesn’t want a second child. Current child desperate for sibling. Heartbroken

141 replies

Blipblopblap · 07/10/2023 23:43

We’ve been together since we were kids and we’re in our 30s now. We have a 3 year old son. We’d always said we would have 2. Current child is very hard work and was a “hard baby” which is why my husband has decided against it. I don’t think he enjoys being a dad as much as he thought but he seems better the older our son gets. Having quality time as a couple is important to him, as it is me, so I do understand his concerns. But it doesn’t stop me feeling devastated. He’d been considering it recently and even asked our son if he’d like a sibling. Now it’s ALL our boy talks about, he asks me every day if there’s a baby in my tummy, and when he draws pictures of his family there’s a baby in it. Can you see why I’m distraught…. He would be the best big brother, he adores babies and always has! I’m gutted for him. And for me. But I don’t think my husband would cope anyway… has anyone else been through this heartache and does it pass?

OP posts:
Mummyof287 · 08/10/2023 00:14

No advice but just want to send empathy, as I would have been heartbroken in your position too.It is very difficult as unless you can change DH's position, its abit of an impossible stumbling block.
Do you have time to wait awhile if he is only recently unsure? See if he feels differently? If he has a problem with the baby stage, could you both consider adopting a child your sons age or older, if the option was there, if the main reason is to give your boy a sibling, or would you really like another 'baby' yourself?
I know personally I was always desperate for two, I was an only child and really didn't like it (know that's not the case for all) so it would have been a deal breaker for me if I was with someone who refused to have another.

What is your relationship like in general?
Does he have unresolved traumas around the birth of your son or anything?

theduchessofspork · 08/10/2023 00:42

This is hard.

Does your husband understand what a big deal this is to you?

Obviously you can’t force him to have a baby, but it needs to be something you talk through so you can both process it.

I wouldn’t worry about your son, it’s just a toddler obsession, he doesn’t understand what having a sibling means.

bluejelly · 08/10/2023 01:06

So sorry that sounds really tough. Although take what your three year old says with a big pinch of salt. They really have not got the maturity to understand what a sibling would be like (and the truth is many children despise their siblings...)

Original poster
Blipblopblap · 08/10/2023 10:28

Adoption wouldn’t be the answer for us. I am an only myself and I want a bigger family, for me
and my son. I feel like he could be persuaded if I really pushed but then I’ll be really worried about him leaving after they’re born if he found it too hard. I don’t feel like there’s really an answer at the moment.

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 08/10/2023 10:37

Him asking a 3 year old if they wanted a sibling was a very silly thing to do. Said 3 year old has now fixated on it by the sound of it, and may well also talk about the (nonexistent) baby in your tummy to others. Which will make it worse for you.

The decision is between you and your partner only, and neither of you can force the other.

I do feel for you, as he has changed the plans seemingly with insufficient discussion.

Quisquam · 08/10/2023 10:39

DS spent years telling me, he wanted a sibling. When he got twin sisters, he was even less happy!

I don’t think young children have any conception of what a younger sibling is going to mean to their life for years!

Smartiepants79 · 08/10/2023 10:47

Your 3 year old thinking he wants a sibling should not be part of this conversation. You’ve no idea what kind of big brother he’ll make. Many 4 year olds do little more than poke their baby siblings and attempt to send them back where they came from. He has no clue what having a baby could mean. They might hate each other.
You need a very serious convert with your DH about how much this matters to you. He might not change his mind but he needs to understand the impact his choice has and how it will affect your relationship in the future. This is not something that is likely your go away any time soon. I would also say that he perhaps ought to give it another couple of years before he makes a complete decision.

TeaAndStrumpets · 08/10/2023 10:49

If you really think he would leave you if you have another baby then he doesn't sound like a decent husband. Has he said he would?

NewDogOwner · 08/10/2023 10:51

If it helps, my only has stopped asking now they are older and have some very close friends. they talk about their closest friends as their sibling from another family. A dog also helped. I know this doesn't help your personal pain, though.

BelindaBears · 08/10/2023 10:52

Your 3 year old is not “desperate” for a sibling, that’s a massive projection on your part. It’s ok to be sad for yourself if it’s not what you wanted, but don’t drag your actual child into an argument about a hypothetical future child who doesn’t exist. I’d be pissed with DH for asking him about it.

BoohooWoohoo · 08/10/2023 10:53

Neither you or your h are unreasonable me to want/not want a child but asking the 3 year old
was a stupid thing to do. 3 year olds can't answer a question like that and shouldn't be a deciding factor with regards to having another child.

Has he said never or not now ?

NewDogOwner · 08/10/2023 10:53

Never have another child as a companion, though. There is no guarantee they will even get on or be the lifelong friends you have pictured. Your baby could also have additional needs and take away your attention from your existing child.

FrenchandSaunders · 08/10/2023 10:55

Adopting an older child when her DH has found fatherhood more tricky than expected would be an absolute disaster!

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/10/2023 11:02

No one should be made to have a child they don’t want.
so that really is the end of it. Try to put it out your mind op.
your son will be fine.

AHelpfulHand · 08/10/2023 11:10

I’m with your dh here. If I had a child that was really hard work, I wouldn’t be having another!

WhateverMate · 08/10/2023 11:16

He should never have brought your child into it, that was low. But this is about you and your husband, not your son.

He might be 'desperate' for a sibling now, next year he'll be desperate for something else.

You may be building up this romantic idea in your head about what a super big brother he'd be, but the truth is you have no way of knowing that.

So try to focus your thoughts and conversations on the two adults involved, not your 3 year old.

FWIW I have 7.5 years between my oldest (very difficult child) and my middle child who turned out to be extremely easy in comparison.

I hope you and your husband can work this out together.

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz12 · 08/10/2023 11:21

What your child says they want is completely irrelevant, because it could be very different if a sibling became a reality

This is a conversation between you and your husband

Goldbar · 08/10/2023 11:24

Yes, no one should be forced to have more children than they want and, yes, your 3yo has very little idea about the reality of having a sibling. At first, it will probably be quite negative as they will have to compete hugely for attention and will lose out on time with you. That doesn't mean they'll dislike the baby though - my 5yo has had to put up with a great deal since DC2 arrived and still adores DC2.

The thing I struggle with is this idea that, if one parent decides they're done with one child, the other parent is simply meant to put up and shut up. I would not have built a life with someone who only wanted one child, because I never wanted to have an only child. Nothing wrong with only children or sticking at one, but it just wasn't in my life plan. Yes, plans change and circumstances change and being able to have a second (or indeed a child at all) is never guaranteed. But if my DH had decided he didn't want any more children after DC1, he would have been changing part of the basis for our relationship and my agreement to share our lives together. I would have felt entitled to be sad and perhaps to reconsider the relationship - I certainly wouldn't have felt it to be my duty to 'put it out of my mind' and never mention it again.

Mylovelygreendress · 08/10/2023 11:45

I can’t believe your DH asked a 3 year old if he wanted a sibling !? What a daft thing to do .

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/10/2023 11:59

@Goldbar

thing is no one can say with 100 percent certainty that they want more than one child. Because they don’t know what it will be like - what kind of child they will have, what kind of parent they will be, how they will experience it, the impact on their relationship with their partner etc etc

so it’s all well and good thinking and saying you want more than one child before you have any but it’s totally meaningless

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/10/2023 12:01

I’m with your dh here. If I had a child that was really hard work, I wouldn’t be having another!”

this op! @Blipblopblap

you said yourself that your child was really hard work - can you really blame him for not wanting another?!

CyberCritical · 08/10/2023 12:09

A 3yr old can't take into consideration any of the factors that need to be thought through when deciding to create a new human being and add them to your family. Frankly it's absolutely ridiculous that you're even considering their opinion on this.

You and your DH are the adults in this situation and need to have a discussion based on housing, finances, emotional capacity, desire to expand your family, the implications on your future.

Isheabastard · 08/10/2023 12:27

My only child used to want a sibling on and off over the years, but now says she loves being an only.

I understand your point and having children is the luck of the draw of how easy or difficult they will be.

If your husband is set on this I can only advise waiting a year or two and perhaps he will change his mind when your son becomes older and easier.

You could also subtly mention all the times when you see positive examples of siblings together.

Saying all that, I’m glad I only had the one.

mydogisthebest · 08/10/2023 12:27

Not sure why you want another child when your existing one was/is hard work. Why not be content with him and the fact that he hopefully is getting easier as he gets older.

Kaill · 08/10/2023 12:27

Firstly you need to tell your 3yo firmly there won’t be a sibling and not to ask about it any more. 3yo don’t have these ideas by themselves, you’re pushing it onto them, and using them as a weapon to try to pressure your DH into something he doesn’t want.

Secondly your DH doesn’t want another child, end of. So you either accept it, or leave and find someone else to have a second child with. It doesn’t matter if you “always said we’d have two”. The reality of having a child is different to the fantasy, and it’s perfectly reasonable to have one and decide you don’t want to repeat the experience.

Honestly, it sounds like you’re the one causing the problem here, by being “distraught” and refusing to accept your DH’s decision about not wanting more kids. Then you’re projecting your own issues onto the 3yo.