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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

Original poster

Husband doesn’t want a second child. Current child desperate for sibling. Heartbroken

141 replies

Blipblopblap · 07/10/2023 23:43

We’ve been together since we were kids and we’re in our 30s now. We have a 3 year old son. We’d always said we would have 2. Current child is very hard work and was a “hard baby” which is why my husband has decided against it. I don’t think he enjoys being a dad as much as he thought but he seems better the older our son gets. Having quality time as a couple is important to him, as it is me, so I do understand his concerns. But it doesn’t stop me feeling devastated. He’d been considering it recently and even asked our son if he’d like a sibling. Now it’s ALL our boy talks about, he asks me every day if there’s a baby in my tummy, and when he draws pictures of his family there’s a baby in it. Can you see why I’m distraught…. He would be the best big brother, he adores babies and always has! I’m gutted for him. And for me. But I don’t think my husband would cope anyway… has anyone else been through this heartache and does it pass?

OP posts:
Softsoftsleep · 08/10/2023 15:03

BelindaBears · 08/10/2023 14:56

Ok, but at the end of the day all of that is semantics. Yes, it’s a very sad position to be in, but ultimately she has the choice to either get over it or leave him in the hope of having another child - with all the risks and negative outcomes that involves. (Assuming the DH’s position is completely intractable which isn’t entirely clear since he’s doing shit like asking a 3 year old about a sibling.)

Show quote history

'Getting over it' is a process which involves working through feelings and coming to a personal acceptance, based on that journey. Not by just burying feelings and pretending everything is ok

BelindaBears · 08/10/2023 15:09

Softsoftsleep · 08/10/2023 15:03

'Getting over it' is a process which involves working through feelings and coming to a personal acceptance, based on that journey. Not by just burying feelings and pretending everything is ok

Show quote history

Yes. I don’t believe I’ve suggested otherwise.

OldLadyChinaCup · 08/10/2023 15:16

@Softsoftsleep,

I think it’s because this has been asked in the One Child Family section. Many posters on here will have one child by choice and will naturally lean towards the idea that one is enough of a blessing for anyone. Feeling that way is perfectly legitimate but it does come with bias in favour of the parent who wants to stop at one. If the OP posted this on the generic Parenting forum, the responses would naturally be more mixed. Those who were naturally ‘one and done’ cannot always fathom the depth of feeling that some people have towards having second or subsequent children. Personally, I felt more driven to have my second than I did my first. It felt very primal to me hence why I know I would have ended my marriage had my husband said no after our first.

Only the OP can decide whether she can reconcile herself to her husband’s way of thinking. But it’s wholly unfair to make any woman feel they’re being unreasonable for feeling so strongly about having more children any more than it’s unreasonable to expect her unwilling husband to consent or to expect people who’d rather remain childless to have any at all. None of these viewpoints are more important or relevant than the others.

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/10/2023 15:17

@Goldbar

but sometimes we don’t get everything we want in life and we do have to just get over it 🤷‍♀️
and OP’s husband does not want to have another kid.
And the one who doesn’t want a child is the one who has the final say. It’s just the way it is.

Goldbar · 08/10/2023 15:25

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/10/2023 15:17

@Goldbar

but sometimes we don’t get everything we want in life and we do have to just get over it 🤷‍♀️
and OP’s husband does not want to have another kid.
And the one who doesn’t want a child is the one who has the final say. It’s just the way it is.

That's true. There are no guarantees in life.

But there's a difference between, for instance, trying to have a second child and being unable to due to secondary infertility and not trying at all because your partner has different life goals to you and you've had to be the one to compromise.

And there is no 'final say' in relationships. That's not how successful relationships work. One partner doesn't get to impose their viewpoint on the other without discussion and understanding, and expect the other partner just to suck it up and the relationship to continue as if nothing had happened.

Original poster
Blipblopblap · 08/10/2023 17:47

Mumsnet really is a lovely place.
I am an only and my personal experience is it’s crap (sorry) so I didn’t want the same for my son.
What I wanted to get out of this post was to hear from people who have been in my situation and to see if their child stopped asking for a sibling and if their feelings improved with time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blipblopblap · 08/10/2023 17:52

@Kaill i didnt ask my son about a sibling my husband did. I’m not manipulating him at all and wouldn’t because I have a feeling he’s never going to get a sibling now so I haven’t mentioned it and won’t. He is surrounded by baby cousins and my friends who have had babies, so that makes him want one too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blipblopblap · 08/10/2023 17:56

@OldLadyChinaCup dammit I nearly did post this in the parenting forum…

OP posts:
MariePaperRoses · 08/10/2023 18:02

Why don't you wait until your child is at school and then have a chat again.

If he's not keen then you have to decide to stay or go.

PosterBoy · 08/10/2023 18:03

Blipblopblap · 08/10/2023 17:47

Mumsnet really is a lovely place.
I am an only and my personal experience is it’s crap (sorry) so I didn’t want the same for my son.
What I wanted to get out of this post was to hear from people who have been in my situation and to see if their child stopped asking for a sibling and if their feelings improved with time.

Yes.

Your child will soon want a puppy/kitten/rabbit instead.
Three year olds want all kind of crap.

The one thing they usually really struggle with is another baby ... a rival for their parents affection. It is a difficult adjustment for many children.

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/10/2023 18:06

Do people really break up from otherwise perfectly happy marriages just to try to have another child??

surely the risk of rebound is high I.e just getting with the first available bloke whether you really love him or not?

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 08/10/2023 18:19

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/10/2023 18:06

Do people really break up from otherwise perfectly happy marriages just to try to have another child??

surely the risk of rebound is high I.e just getting with the first available bloke whether you really love him or not?

I imagine it’s the resentment they feel towards their partner that is what causes the eventual break-up, not the actual desire for a second child itself.

Coyoacan · 08/10/2023 18:19

My only child told me that all her friends resented their siblings

Original poster
Blipblopblap · 08/10/2023 18:27

Doteycat · 08/10/2023 12:53

What your 3 your old supposedly says he wants is irrelevant. And to try tell us he is desperate for a sibling, seriously have some more respect for people would you. We all know that's bs.
You want one. Dh doesn't.
So parkrk it. Maybe when your other one is 5 or 6 or 7 or 10 he might change his mind.
If not, well that's that.
I married dh because I adore him. Not because I wanted to have kids. They were both a blessing and v hard work.
He's only 3. Thers is 5 years between our first 2 because I cld not possible bear the thought of more sleepless nights. After 5 years I had enough strength to know I could cope again.
Having kids is hard and he is dead right to admit it.

@Doteycat well he does appear desperate for one, he plays with dolls, obsessed with his baby cousins, pretends to be a baby, looks in every single pram we pass, tells me stories about how he would look after a sibling and what they would do together when they’re bigger. I’ve in no way engrained this and wouldn’t, by the way. Cos it doesn’t look like it’s ever going to happen. So I guess I’ll just “park it” as you say.
I also married my husband because I love him. Up until we got married I wasnt even sure that I wanted one child. He knew this. Then after some time we decided it was the right time to ttc.

OP posts:
HeadAgainstWall0923 · 08/10/2023 18:29

Coyoacan · 08/10/2023 18:19

My only child told me that all her friends resented their siblings

For every child who says they hate their sibling there will be another one who adores their sibling.

Wanting my first child to have a sibling was a very large part of my desire to have a second baby. Although me and DH had initially agreed to just have one child, when our first child arrived and started growing up I realised I didn’t want him to be an only child because I wanted him to have the same opportunity to have what I had, which is a very special relationship with my sibling that we’ve had since childhood.

My DH however has absolutely no relationship with his brother at all. They are pretty much no contact and DH is very open about how little care he has towards his brother. They’ve never got on since they were children and apparently his brother is a “complete prick” 😂

So yes, a lot of it is probably down to pot luck too!

Thankfully our children utterly adore each other at the moment but I’m well aware that may not last 😬 For now I just take enjoyment from how much they enrich each others lives and we will deal with any future bumps when and if they arise.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 08/10/2023 18:59

As another only with a lonely and difficult childhood, I understand your depth of feeling. I didn't want kids at all but my dh convinced me to try. I agreed only on the principle we'd have at least 2. After dc1 was born I had postpartum psychosis and he changed his mind about a 2nd because he couldn't risk me descending into madness again. I can't quite explain how I felt towards him but it nearly ended our marriage.

I was having therapy for something else at the time and brought up my feelings to my psychologist. Exploring my childhood and its dysfunction helped me to come to terms with the idea of ds being an only as I'd very much overlooked the role of my parents in my unhappy childhood. For me a sibling or siblings wouldnt have fixed my dad's drinking, the violent rows, my mum's abandonment or the lack of stability as we bounced around Europe every few years but because of my childhood, I think I was thinking about raising an only through the eyes of a lonely, scared little girl who desparately wished someone was holding her hand whilst she sat in the shadows listening to the screaming. Although discussing the results of said therapy also made dh change his mind and we went on to have dc2 but if we hadn't that would have been OK too. We are not our parents.

DappledOliveGroves · 08/10/2023 19:12

OP, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. I wouldn’t be able to put up and shut up if my husband had done a U-turn on having a second child. Yes, he’s entitled to not want more but he also needs to realise that this comes with the risk of divorce, a consequential poorer standard of living and having to co-parent.

Ginger1982 · 08/10/2023 19:12

Blipblopblap · 08/10/2023 17:47

Mumsnet really is a lovely place.
I am an only and my personal experience is it’s crap (sorry) so I didn’t want the same for my son.
What I wanted to get out of this post was to hear from people who have been in my situation and to see if their child stopped asking for a sibling and if their feelings improved with time.

Perhaps look at why you think it was crap. Was it something your parents did or didn't do (other than not having more children)? Was it where you lived, or the friends you had? As I said, I too am an only child. My dad died when I was a teenager and it was still a great childhood.

Bonmot57 · 09/10/2023 08:01

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 08/10/2023 13:52

Although my situation was different to yours in that I was the one trying to change the goal posts (we’d agreed to only have one) I was so hurt at the thought of not being able to have another child and him being the one with all the power. It felt awful.

I was so upset as I was so desperate for another child but he was adamant that it wasn’t something he wanted to embark on. It consumed my thoughts every day and although we had many conversations about it he continued to make it clear he didn’t want another child.

However, one day I was really triggered at work (by something relating to child death) and when DH came home he found me in floods of tears. It led to a huge outpouring including how much I wanted a second baby and why I wanted one, and I think that’s when he first truly realised how much it meant to me.

I think prior to seeing that raw emotion he had put my previous discussions about another baby as being down to me nagging or just semi-clowning around. But this time he could see how deeply distressed I was.

Ultimately we did try for a second baby.

I wouldn’t have left him if he’d said a firm no and we’d never had a second, but I think I would have always resented him.

Its a really shitty position to be in OP 💐

Shocking. This post reeks of entitlement and self indulgence. Must have another baby and screw everything else.

Moving the goalposts and applying emotional blackmail to force your DH into having a child he didn’t want? He should have had the integrity to stick to his guns. I certainly hope the OP doesn’t follow this dismal strategy for the sake of her existing child or the hypothetical second child who may be resented by the reluctant parent.

No one is owed or entitled to a second child, but every child deserves to be wanted by both parents and not be used as a band aid baby!

Bonmot57 · 09/10/2023 08:04

DappledOliveGroves · 08/10/2023 19:12

OP, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. I wouldn’t be able to put up and shut up if my husband had done a U-turn on having a second child. Yes, he’s entitled to not want more but he also needs to realise that this comes with the risk of divorce, a consequential poorer standard of living and having to co-parent.

Including a poorer standard of living and disruption for the existing child, who doesn’t seem to warrant any consideration ?

PeggyPiglet · 09/10/2023 08:25

Blipblopblap · 08/10/2023 17:47

Mumsnet really is a lovely place.
I am an only and my personal experience is it’s crap (sorry) so I didn’t want the same for my son.
What I wanted to get out of this post was to hear from people who have been in my situation and to see if their child stopped asking for a sibling and if their feelings improved with time.

Just because you had a bad experience doesn't necessarily mean your son will.

Your child will stop asking. He'll probably also ask for a dog or cat, or the latest Xbox game. Doesn't mean he'll get it right?

I feel for your husband a bit because having children completely changes you. I found parenting far more difficult than I expected. I have a very 'easy' child but I still don't want to go through it all again.
If that's the way he feels, that's the way he feels.

I understand you shouldn't feel like you have to 'get over it' as your feelings are just as valid, but what's the alternative? You have to respect his decision and if you really can't live with it, your only alternative is to separate and hope you'll find someone else to have children with and the baggage that comes with that. It's not like you go to a shop and scan through another man and boom, your child gets a sibling.
Your child then has a different father and has to deal with the baggage that comes with that.

I'm not saying it's easy, but think very hard about this. Trying to convince your DH to want another when he doesn't really want to could be a recipe for disaster down the line, and honestly, having another may not be the cherry on top you're wishing for.

PeggyPiglet · 09/10/2023 08:28

Bonmot57 · 09/10/2023 08:04

Including a poorer standard of living and disruption for the existing child, who doesn’t seem to warrant any consideration ?

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100%, what awful advice.
What happened to proper love and respect for our partners? You're a team!

HangingOver · 09/10/2023 08:32

he asks me every day if there’s a baby in my tummy

Tbf my friends 3 year old asks everyone she meets if they have frogs in their ear.

Goldbar · 09/10/2023 08:42

Bonmot57 · 09/10/2023 08:01

Shocking. This post reeks of entitlement and self indulgence. Must have another baby and screw everything else.

Moving the goalposts and applying emotional blackmail to force your DH into having a child he didn’t want? He should have had the integrity to stick to his guns. I certainly hope the OP doesn’t follow this dismal strategy for the sake of her existing child or the hypothetical second child who may be resented by the reluctant parent.

No one is owed or entitled to a second child, but every child deserves to be wanted by both parents and not be used as a band aid baby!

Show quote history

No one is owed or entitled to keep another person in an unhappy relationship either.

All actions and choices have consequences.

Bonmot57 · 09/10/2023 09:13

Goldbar · 09/10/2023 08:42

No one is owed or entitled to keep another person in an unhappy relationship either.

All actions and choices have consequences.

Show quote history

Quite. They should’ve agreed to disagree and either live with it or separate. While I understand the desire to be a mother I find the idea of ripping apart a marriage and family for an ideal additional number of children hard to fathom.

That type of water-torture emotional blackmail to get her own way is completely out of order.