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One-child families

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Original poster

Husband doesn’t want a second child. Current child desperate for sibling. Heartbroken

141 replies

Blipblopblap · 07/10/2023 23:43

We’ve been together since we were kids and we’re in our 30s now. We have a 3 year old son. We’d always said we would have 2. Current child is very hard work and was a “hard baby” which is why my husband has decided against it. I don’t think he enjoys being a dad as much as he thought but he seems better the older our son gets. Having quality time as a couple is important to him, as it is me, so I do understand his concerns. But it doesn’t stop me feeling devastated. He’d been considering it recently and even asked our son if he’d like a sibling. Now it’s ALL our boy talks about, he asks me every day if there’s a baby in my tummy, and when he draws pictures of his family there’s a baby in it. Can you see why I’m distraught…. He would be the best big brother, he adores babies and always has! I’m gutted for him. And for me. But I don’t think my husband would cope anyway… has anyone else been through this heartache and does it pass?

OP posts:
itsmyp4rty · 09/10/2023 09:19

I desperately wanted a sibling when I was little, it's a big part of the reason my mum had another.

I've regretted it every single day since. We have never, ever got on.

A child has no real idea what having a sibling is going to be like, their idea will be very, very different from the reality. Please don't feel you need to have another child for your son.

Goldbar · 09/10/2023 09:22

@Bonmot57 . For some people, it's not "emotional blackmail", it's just how they feel. They're not trying to blackmail anyone, the relationship just doesn't work for them anymore if the goalposts are changed on such a fundamental matter.

It's not "ripping apart" a functioning marriage so much as exiting a failing one at that point.

Bonmot57 · 09/10/2023 09:31

Goldbar · 09/10/2023 09:22

@Bonmot57 . For some people, it's not "emotional blackmail", it's just how they feel. They're not trying to blackmail anyone, the relationship just doesn't work for them anymore if the goalposts are changed on such a fundamental matter.

It's not "ripping apart" a functioning marriage so much as exiting a failing one at that point.

As I said, they should have separated if the poster who admits she was the one who moved the goalposts could not live with it.

I was a second child in this scenario and felt resented as a child by the reluctant parent (I ended up going NC) so I do have skin in the game. I am in the one and done camp for this reason and would only agree to a second if I unreservedly 100% want a second. I made this clear during wedding preparation classes and would take a dim view of someone trying to manipulate me into more children than I want or am happy to make the necessary sacrifices for.

Fizbosshoes · 09/10/2023 09:31

Your 3 year old likes the idea of a sibling without knowing what it will be like (in the same way Your DH liked the idea of 2 children without knowing what having 1 child was like)

I can't believe anyone has suggested adoption. Children in care and available for adoption often have extremely complex backgrounds and needs, and are not some "older sibling" that would slot into your family bypassing the baby stage. (I think - but not 100% sure - than in the case of parents with biological children, often the adopted child should be younger than bio children)

molotovcupcakes · 09/10/2023 09:37

No one is owed or entitled to a second child, but every child deserves to be wanted by both parents and not be used as a band aid baby!

I think the phrase 'band aid baby' is used more to have a baby to 'save a marriage' which is not going very well which is not the case here.
I always remember that my mum said when she told my dad that she was pregnant with my younger sister he hit the car steering wheel in anger and they had a huge row. He's in his 80's now and parents divorced in their 50's, my sister looks after him alot and they are very close, he's very proud of her.

Insheerpanic · 09/10/2023 09:39

I've got 2 my first was extremely hard work we thought the second couldn't be any worse.. my god we were wrong! I wanted 2 regardless but my second has broken my mental health and we both wanted 2. Very difficult situation but needs to be made between you and your husband.. if you don't you will resent him but if you do he may resent you.. 3 is still young too maybe your husband will change his mind once yours is abit older or in school

Jellycats4life · 09/10/2023 09:40

I can't believe anyone has suggested adoption. Children in care and available for adoption often have extremely complex backgrounds and needs, and are not some "older sibling" that would slot into your family bypassing the baby stage

I agree. “Just adopt” is always thrown around on MN in the most glib, thoughtless way.

BHRK · 09/10/2023 09:43

I wouldn’t have been able to stay in my marriage if my DH only wanted one child - so strong was my desire for another. I’d also have been willing to let DH walk if he didn’t like it after the second was born.
but that’s me
only you can decide where this goes. All children are “hard work” but also the loves of our lives.
But yes, the wants of your 3yo shouldn’t be taken into account. He’s 3

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/10/2023 09:46

I really can’t uunderstand “distraught”. Focus on your healthy, happy child.

If it really is that important to you though, you have to consider your two options.

Bonmot57 · 09/10/2023 09:47

Insheerpanic · 09/10/2023 09:39

I've got 2 my first was extremely hard work we thought the second couldn't be any worse.. my god we were wrong! I wanted 2 regardless but my second has broken my mental health and we both wanted 2. Very difficult situation but needs to be made between you and your husband.. if you don't you will resent him but if you do he may resent you.. 3 is still young too maybe your husband will change his mind once yours is abit older or in school

Or worse, the husband who is pressured into it resents both her and the second child.

crumblingschools · 09/10/2023 09:58

@Blipblopblap interesting that you weren’t sure that you wanted children when you were first with your partner, so posters saying it isn’t fair of the husband to change their mind, the OP changed her mind too

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 09/10/2023 10:01

Bonmot57 · 09/10/2023 08:01

Shocking. This post reeks of entitlement and self indulgence. Must have another baby and screw everything else.

Moving the goalposts and applying emotional blackmail to force your DH into having a child he didn’t want? He should have had the integrity to stick to his guns. I certainly hope the OP doesn’t follow this dismal strategy for the sake of her existing child or the hypothetical second child who may be resented by the reluctant parent.

No one is owed or entitled to a second child, but every child deserves to be wanted by both parents and not be used as a band aid baby!

Show quote history

Don’t be so dramatic. Of course he was happy to try for a second child following that conversation.

There was never any “I MUST have a baby and screw everything else” tone to any of our conversations we’d had about having a second child.

Yes, in most cases like the OP’s the woman is expected to just accept it, shut up and discard her own feelings but in reality that’s not how good relationships work. Huge life changing decisions have to be made together and that comes from having open discussions with each other and really listening to your partner, hearing their words and understanding their points of view and understanding why they feel the way they do.

My husband had his reasons for not wanting to try for another baby and I had my reasons for wanting to try. We knew it was fine to have opposing feelings and we never made each other feel bad about it.

If during any of our conversations my DH had expressed any signs that the idea of a second baby was very traumatic and upsetting for him then of course I would never have expected him to change his mind or try and steer him down my path regardless. And I would have accepted that.

When we’d had the conversation after the incident at work involving a child dying I really opened up to my husband which later resulted in him telling me that he was happy for us to try again as he didn’t feel his initial reasons for not wanting to try outweighed my reasons for wanting another baby. When I talk about “outweighing” I don’t mean that in terms of it being a competition between us as to whose reasons were more worthy, but in the sense that he felt his reasons no longer justified the eradication of how strongly I felt.

If despite me opening up to him after that incident at work he was still adamant that he didn’t want another baby then I would have had to accept it.

I would never have wanted to try again if I genuinely thought it was a decision my husband would later regret, or if I thought it was a decision he was making only to pacify me. I imagine that’s the case with most women as no woman would want to have a baby with her partner/DH in the knowledge that it would be an unwanted baby on his side.

It was about two weeks after our honest conversation that DH told me he was happy to try for a second baby and I was shocked as I hadn’t thought his original stance was something that he would change, but he said that after having had a few weeks to reflect on everything we’d talked about he’d realised that having a second baby would actually be a positive thing for our family. Like I said, I was surprised, but I was so happy that it was a journey we were going to embark upon together and one we were excited about in the same way we were excited when we were trying to conceive our first baby.

However, about 12-18 months after the birth of our second baby I started having thoughts about having a third baby but when I mentioned to my husband how I was feeling he very quickly booked an appointment with his GP to see about having a vasectomy!

CasaAmarela · 09/10/2023 10:11

Your 3 year old thinking he wants a sibling should not be part of this conversation.

This. My 5 year old DD is obsessed with babies and is always asking for a sibling. I told her we'd have less money and she'd have to share her toys and listen to a baby crying 😂

Bonmot57 · 09/10/2023 10:17

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 09/10/2023 10:01

Don’t be so dramatic. Of course he was happy to try for a second child following that conversation.

There was never any “I MUST have a baby and screw everything else” tone to any of our conversations we’d had about having a second child.

Yes, in most cases like the OP’s the woman is expected to just accept it, shut up and discard her own feelings but in reality that’s not how good relationships work. Huge life changing decisions have to be made together and that comes from having open discussions with each other and really listening to your partner, hearing their words and understanding their points of view and understanding why they feel the way they do.

My husband had his reasons for not wanting to try for another baby and I had my reasons for wanting to try. We knew it was fine to have opposing feelings and we never made each other feel bad about it.

If during any of our conversations my DH had expressed any signs that the idea of a second baby was very traumatic and upsetting for him then of course I would never have expected him to change his mind or try and steer him down my path regardless. And I would have accepted that.

When we’d had the conversation after the incident at work involving a child dying I really opened up to my husband which later resulted in him telling me that he was happy for us to try again as he didn’t feel his initial reasons for not wanting to try outweighed my reasons for wanting another baby. When I talk about “outweighing” I don’t mean that in terms of it being a competition between us as to whose reasons were more worthy, but in the sense that he felt his reasons no longer justified the eradication of how strongly I felt.

If despite me opening up to him after that incident at work he was still adamant that he didn’t want another baby then I would have had to accept it.

I would never have wanted to try again if I genuinely thought it was a decision my husband would later regret, or if I thought it was a decision he was making only to pacify me. I imagine that’s the case with most women as no woman would want to have a baby with her partner/DH in the knowledge that it would be an unwanted baby on his side.

It was about two weeks after our honest conversation that DH told me he was happy to try for a second baby and I was shocked as I hadn’t thought his original stance was something that he would change, but he said that after having had a few weeks to reflect on everything we’d talked about he’d realised that having a second baby would actually be a positive thing for our family. Like I said, I was surprised, but I was so happy that it was a journey we were going to embark upon together and one we were excited about in the same way we were excited when we were trying to conceive our first baby.

However, about 12-18 months after the birth of our second baby I started having thoughts about having a third baby but when I mentioned to my husband how I was feeling he very quickly booked an appointment with his GP to see about having a vasectomy!

Show quote history

Well, only you know him best and I guess you got what you wanted in the end.

But, didn’t you say in your first post that you would have resented him if he had maintained what was clearly a firm stance held since before you had number 1? He may then have felt you would directly or indirectly made his life unpleasant if he didn’t give in to your wishes. It all seems rather manipulative and by putting the idea out there, others may adopt similar tactics.

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 09/10/2023 10:25

Bonmot57 · 09/10/2023 10:17

Well, only you know him best and I guess you got what you wanted in the end.

But, didn’t you say in your first post that you would have resented him if he had maintained what was clearly a firm stance held since before you had number 1? He may then have felt you would directly or indirectly made his life unpleasant if he didn’t give in to your wishes. It all seems rather manipulative and by putting the idea out there, others may adopt similar tactics.

Show quote history

Yes I probably would have resented him, I would never have left him though. Like I said, we accepted we each had our reasons for how we felt, so I was never angry about him feeling differently about having a second baby I would have found it hard to have only had one without any amount of resentment at all.

I would like to think my resentment wouldn't have shown but that would be very naive of me and I don’t think many marriages could survive an undercurrent of resentment from either party.

Thankfully that’s all hypothetical though and he will quite happily say now that having a second baby was the best thing we ever did ❤️

AardvarkUmbrella · 09/10/2023 10:33

My 4 year old asks for a sibling. I tell her mummy is too old to have another and we are happy with one child. She was also a high needs baby who became a high needs child - we realised this is because she is probably autistic/ ADHD.

I think my daughter asks for a sibling because she is lonely and wants another child to play with. Being autistic makes it hard for her to make friends and the guilt I feel is enormous. But I also know that with a large age gap it is unlikely she would have the kind of play she desires with a sibling.

Retrospectively, maybe I should have had another when she was younger/ I was younger. I didn't know she would be autistic - I thought if I worked hard enough I could facilitate friendships so she would not be lonely.

Jackienory · 09/10/2023 10:35

Bonmot57 · 09/10/2023 10:17

Well, only you know him best and I guess you got what you wanted in the end.

But, didn’t you say in your first post that you would have resented him if he had maintained what was clearly a firm stance held since before you had number 1? He may then have felt you would directly or indirectly made his life unpleasant if he didn’t give in to your wishes. It all seems rather manipulative and by putting the idea out there, others may adopt similar tactics.

Show quote history

I'd agree with that.

mydogisthebest · 09/10/2023 10:55

BHRK · 09/10/2023 09:43

I wouldn’t have been able to stay in my marriage if my DH only wanted one child - so strong was my desire for another. I’d also have been willing to let DH walk if he didn’t like it after the second was born.
but that’s me
only you can decide where this goes. All children are “hard work” but also the loves of our lives.
But yes, the wants of your 3yo shouldn’t be taken into account. He’s 3

You can't love your DH very much if you would end your marriage because he didn't want a second.

So so sad that so many women think children are far more important than a happy loving relationship.

Bonmot57 · 09/10/2023 11:06

mydogisthebest · 09/10/2023 10:55

You can't love your DH very much if you would end your marriage because he didn't want a second.

So so sad that so many women think children are far more important than a happy loving relationship.

Show quote history

This. It’s a very messed up marriage where having children are the sole priority way over and above the relationship and/or the dignity of the person you are supposed to love.

A reluctant spouse shouldn’t be reduced to an incubator or sperm donor just to satisfy the whims of the other. For all the talk of ‘primal’ urges, would you accept that explanation from your DH is he had some ‘primal’ urge to sow his wild oats?

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 09/10/2023 12:00

So so sad that so many women think children are far more important than a happy loving relationship.

I think this feeds into the issue that has been skirted around in this thread. My childhood was such that I had no idea of what a happy loving relationship should look like. My parents claimed that theirs was happy and loving but there was blood, hospital visits, suicide attempts, screaming rows, periods where they wouldn't speak to each other and my mother frequently walked out leaving me as well.

Therapy helped me a lot but for those with a similar childhood or worse, I can see the attraction in focusing on children than a happy loving relationship. I knew I could be a good mother but I'm still figuring out how to be a "good" wife despite the fact that dh and I have been together almost 24 years (more than half our lives).

Tinklyheadtilt · 09/10/2023 12:24

Honestly, some of the posters here - if both partners are not onboard then unfortunately there shouldn't be any more kids.

When I hear stuff like 'I wanted to give them a sibling', 'I'd leave if he didn't agree to it' its so so poor. Incredibly selfish behaviour.

Agreeing something before you get married and have kids and the actual reality of having a small child, are very very different things. You can't blame him if he changes his mind on that.

Honestly, some of the selfishness on this thread is staggering.

Tinklyheadtilt · 09/10/2023 12:25

Bonmot57 · 09/10/2023 11:06

This. It’s a very messed up marriage where having children are the sole priority way over and above the relationship and/or the dignity of the person you are supposed to love.

A reluctant spouse shouldn’t be reduced to an incubator or sperm donor just to satisfy the whims of the other. For all the talk of ‘primal’ urges, would you accept that explanation from your DH is he had some ‘primal’ urge to sow his wild oats?

Show quote history

This is spot on. Learn from this desperate kid poppers.

BelindaBears · 09/10/2023 12:29

Blipblopblap · 08/10/2023 17:47

Mumsnet really is a lovely place.
I am an only and my personal experience is it’s crap (sorry) so I didn’t want the same for my son.
What I wanted to get out of this post was to hear from people who have been in my situation and to see if their child stopped asking for a sibling and if their feelings improved with time.

A lovely place, yes, where posters come on to a forum about one parent families to tell us that they’re “heartbroken” that they might end up stuck with the shitty invalid families that we’ve chosen or have through circumstance; and that their preschool child is being “deprived” by being in a situation our own children are in through our choice or circumstance?

You got more sympathy than you deserve, to be frank.

BelindaBears · 09/10/2023 12:31

Tinklyheadtilt · 09/10/2023 12:24

Honestly, some of the posters here - if both partners are not onboard then unfortunately there shouldn't be any more kids.

When I hear stuff like 'I wanted to give them a sibling', 'I'd leave if he didn't agree to it' its so so poor. Incredibly selfish behaviour.

Agreeing something before you get married and have kids and the actual reality of having a small child, are very very different things. You can't blame him if he changes his mind on that.

Honestly, some of the selfishness on this thread is staggering.

It’s immature, and some of these are the same posters who’ll be back on the step-parenting forums in years to come bemoaning the fact that their “blended” families have gone to shit and made their first born children deeply unhappy. Hope it’s worth it for that second baby!

Abouttimemum · 09/10/2023 12:39

My 4yo only DS has a ‘baby’ that sleeps in a crib next to his bed, such is his apparent desire for a sibling. He isn’t getting one, which he knows of course.

Please don’t base life decisions on the whim of a tiny child. Your DS will be fine on his own.

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