Husband doesn’t want a second child. Current child desperate for sibling. Heartbroken

[Blipblopblap]

We’ve been together since we were kids and we’re in our 30s now. We have a 3 year old son. We’d always said we would have 2. Current child is very hard work and was a “hard baby” which is why my husband has decided against it. I don’t think he enjoys being a dad as much as he thought but he seems better the older our son gets. Having quality time as a couple is important to him, as it is me, so I do understand his concerns. But it doesn’t stop me feeling devastated. He’d been considering it recently and even asked our son if he’d like a sibling. Now it’s ALL our boy talks about, he asks me every day if there’s a baby in my tummy, and when he draws pictures of his family there’s a baby in it. Can you see why I’m distraught…. He would be the best big brother, he adores babies and always has! I’m gutted for him. And for me. But I don’t think my husband would cope anyway… has anyone else been through this heartache and does it pass?

To be honest people sometimes do need to switch off their feelings and put their children first rather than themselves. Fancy ending an otherwise happy marriage and leaving your child’s father over your “feelings”.

Op you’ve said you don’t think he would cope if you did have another child and that he has found it very difficult. I would focus on this and working together to be confident parents.

I don’t think forcing more children on your partner who you know would struggle would be a smart choice.

your 3 year olds opinion isnt relevent.

A 3 yo should not be involved in your family planning decisions

We’ve managed to keep a child alive for 3 years surely that accounts for something right.… 👀
We ain’t all perfect

I made an error of judgement and in hindsight should have posted this elsewhere but at the time this forum seemed the most fitting and I was aiming to hear from people who have had the same experience as me. It was never meant to be a debate about whether or not to leave my husband, nor a debate about whether having an only is the right thing to do or not. Yes my personal experience of being an only wasn’t great. For balance, I know other only’s that have had the opposite experience and have gone on to have an only themselves. Believe it or not, there are other reasons as to why I want a second child. Sorry if you found my post triggering. But I never once used the words invalid or deprived..

As I said in my original post I wanted to know if anyone has been in the same position as me and if their child stopped asking for a sibling and if the sadness of not having another child ever went away. I wasn’t looking for sympathy I was looking for answers of other people’s personal experiences.

Thanks for the few relevant responses.

You don’t understand? It’s called wanting another child?

As opposed to…shooting anyone down in the one-child family forum who even dares suggest they would like another child?
Nah thanks, whichever “boat” I end up in, mumsnet ain’t for me!

You are afraid to challenge your DHs decision, so you are trying to use the fact your son wants a sibling, not you, to push the argument for having one.

Then hoping DH will say yes.

You are allowed to express your own opinion you know? Especially if it's something really really important to you.

Speak up for yourself.

Why should her DH’s decision be challenged? Why should he be badgered or manipulated into something irreversibly life changing to satisfy the OP’s whims?

If he has made his position clear, then that should be respected. He doesn’t owe her a second child. The wishes of the one who doesn’t want a child trumps the one who does (unless you believe in reproductive coercion).

It’s then up to her to accept that and if she can’t, she will have to leave.

He knows how I feel I haven’t just sat silently.
im taking the wait and see approach.
if we have another, great. If we don’t, I’m not leaving. Just need to find a way to deal with it.

I wouldn't worry about your son. He's little more than a toddler and children, throughout childhood - and often in adulthood - go through stages of wishing they had more or less, or no, siblings. It was unfair of your dh to mention it to him really, but as he is so little he will very easily be distracted if allowed to forget it. However, many people do mention siblings to children a fair amount - even strangers. And they do easily move on from the fixation ime.

It's your own disappointment that is driving your feelings really and that's much harder to deal with. You absolutely cannot push your dh into having a second child, if he doesn't want one. That could potentially lead to issues later down the line.

You do have choices.

If it's really important to you, you can move on from your husband and seek another relationship where a baby will be part of it. You wouldn't be the first, or last, to make that difficult choice.

Or you can try to come to terms with the disappointment. It will be a form of 'grief' in some ways to change your thoughts of your further. But you can work through them and make new dreams for your family's future.

I have an only child. She is now 21y and a perfectly happy, well adjusted young women. Yes. She had phases of wanting a sibling but overall has loved her childhood experience as a single child. She's never been lovely - she is so sociable and friendly, makes friends easily, so it rarely left to her own devices.

We didn't plan it that way so had to get over the disappointment of being unable to have further children. But our live has been so happy as a family of three we now wouldn't change a thing.

A;so need to factor in that your little child, who is currently 'hard work' won't become less hard work with another baby on the scene. Infact, at least in the short term, it could be that he was even harder work with a baby to compete with.

I just don't see how a man who is 'dead set' or adamant let's say, on not having another child would basically tease his 3yr old and his wife by asking the son if he would like a brother or sister?

It sounds to me he's undecided himself.

That it's not having the wife's full attention is the issue "Having quality time as a couple is important to him, as it is me, so I do understand his concerns.".

His concerns are his wife hasn't enough time for him.

He agreed to have two kids before they got married.
He's reneging on that agreement now.

He sounds like a selfish self-serving sort of person.

Utter rubbish.

No one can possibly know what parenting is like or how they will take to it until they have one. Anyone is perfectly entitled not to have any more children than they want or are happy to make the necessary sacrifices for in terms of time, energy or headspace.

That doesn’t make the husband any more ‘selfish’ than a wife who pressures or manipulates him into doing what she wants to get her perfect number of children.

Sorry, heavily edited after I read all your updates about what you wanted from the thread. I experienced similar, OP, and I empathise. I definitely went through a grieving process, and I think it’s ok if that’s how you feel. It’s a big adjustment. You might want to seek out some counselling to talk about how you feel.

I also went through the phase of a 3yo who was obsessed with babies - DC even told nursery I was going to grow a baby in my tummy and they congratulated me! I just had to calmly explain it was what DC wanted but wasn’t what was happening. IME it’s a developmental phase at 3 and DC eventually stopped mentioning it.

Re your question of did it get better? Yes, absolutely. Once DP told me it was a no I started focussing on all the benefits of having an only (financially better off, can be more present with DC, more time for myself, no sibling bickering).

It sounds like it’s not a fully done deal for you (and I’m not sure it is for us either) but, having been through that process, I have now realised that I can be happy with either outcome. I hope the same can happen for you eventually.

@Gemstar3, I genuinely think it’s great for you that you were able to come to terms with it and move on. I know that I would not have been able to do that and would have ended up resenting my DH years down the line. But my view is influenced by growing up with a very close family member who sadly lost their only child when they were a young adult and simply never recovered. Of course this is irrational and the loss of a child is no less if you have one or five but our experiences shape us and it was something that I couldn’t reconcile to.

Only the OP can decide if she can make peace with her husband’s decision and happily move on or whether the yearning will simply drive her insane and cause resentment further down the line. Neither choice is perfect or without recriminations so I wish her luck.