Husband doesn’t want a second child. Current child desperate for sibling. Heartbroken

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We’ve been together since we were kids and we’re in our 30s now. We have a 3 year old son. We’d always said we would have 2. Current child is very hard work and was a “hard baby” which is why my husband has decided against it. I don’t think he enjoys being a dad as much as he thought but he seems better the older our son gets. Having quality time as a couple is important to him, as it is me, so I do understand his concerns. But it doesn’t stop me feeling devastated. He’d been considering it recently and even asked our son if he’d like a sibling. Now it’s ALL our boy talks about, he asks me every day if there’s a baby in my tummy, and when he draws pictures of his family there’s a baby in it. Can you see why I’m distraught…. He would be the best big brother, he adores babies and always has! I’m gutted for him. And for me. But I don’t think my husband would cope anyway… has anyone else been through this heartache and does it pass?

It’s really difficult but things may change as your child gets older. You do have a bit of time due to your age-I think you can still reasonably expect to have a successful pregnancy in your late 30s.

Ultimately though if your DH never changes his mind then his decision will win out. I think it would be extremely selfish to break up the family over this as is sometimes suggested. The grass is unlikely to be greener. A 40 year old single mother doesn’t exactly have the pick of the best guys out there to father her fantasy 2nd child.

The thing is, you have no way of knowing if it would have been any different if you’d had a sibling. I’m one of 5, and it was pretty crap!
Buy your 3 year old a new toy and he’ll soon change the subject!

This might be unhelpful OP, but our first was and at times still is hard work. However, we gritted our teeth and had another and the second is much, much, much easier. Life doesn't feel any harder.

I think a lot of the husband hobby threads are where the wife has ground him down to have more kids than he wanted, and he then has then had enough.

Can't blame them if they gets some of the emotional blackmail tactics I have seen on this thread.

It's not selfish to grow apart from your partner in terms of what you want from life.

Leaving a relationship where you're unfulfilled, for whatever reason, is not selfish. No one owes it to their spouse or their children to remain in an unfulfilling relationship.

People can make the decision that they don't want kids, or they don't want any more kids, for themselves and that should be respected. But they cannot make it for their partner. Decisions made on behalf of both partners can't be made unilaterally but need to be the result of dialogue and understanding.

I think there’s more than a grain of truth here.

That said, a lot of men probably cave in despite their misgivings as a matter of expedience. The regret comes when it is too late. My rule of thumb is have a child if you want one, are happy to make the sacrifices required and know that whether it goes well or not, it’s the result of the exercise of free will. Not blackmail slong the lines of “we have another child… or else”, which is surely a recipe for toxic resentment.

A lot of men aren't good fathers to one child, let alone two. I highly doubt there are many men who would win 'father of the year' for their first child who suddenly go awol when the second comes along.

I do disagree with this. I think marriage has elements of duty and to put yourself first in this context is selfish. You aren’t owed happiness all the time. The children ought to come first, especially a 3 year old!
It’s also a bit naive to think that it’s a good idea to make yourself a single parent and that a woman over 35 is going to be deluged with offers from really great guys cos that’s really not the case. OP would struggle to find another good husband I think. (No offence OP, just an age thing)

A bit of a difference being father of the year for a wanted DC1, to being the reluctant, browbeaten and resentful father of an unwanted DC2.

I don't really believe that there are that many men who would fall into this category - a responsible, involved father with one child, and then checked out with two. You might equally say that men become better fathers with two, because they have to step up more. That's equally unlikely in my view. Resources might be spread more thinly with two, but generally either people are good parents or they aren't.

3 year olds don’t understand what having a sibling means. So ignore that. Focus on your own feelings.

Whilst everyone can give their personal viewpoint, ultimately as he’s made his decision, it’s now your decision as to what you do.

I have a child. I love him. I know I have been a good mum but I realised early on that it was a mistake for me to have a child and I would not be having another one. I do regret having a child still and have to work hard not to feel angry at myself for wasting so much of my life on parenting.

It’s incredibly brave of your husband to verbalize that decision because society is very very unaccepting that this is a reality for many and I’m delighted that choosing to be child free in a partnership/married is becoming more and more acceptable.

In your shoes, I’d be interested to know how your husband sees your life in 15 ish years when your child is likely to be independent. What ‘compromises’ does he feels he is making or challenges does he feel being a father which will be lessened when they are an adult.

Then consider if this post-child life is what you want? Presuming you didn’t have your child in your 40s, it’s likely that you will be relatively young when you are back to being just the two of you again. Is this a life you want? Because if not, you need to part ways and see if you can find someone who wants what you want which is essentially, when it boils down to it, a longer period where the role of parent pretty much dictates your life choices.

You don't believe it based on what?

I have seen it happen - couple has a first child, it is hard work but they pull through it. Husband doesn't want to go through it again, but the wife puts massive pressure on him to have another, so they do.

Once they have two small children, one of which the husband didn't want, the resentment starts. That's when things unravel. That's why it is so important to have both partners onboard.

I promise you, if this thread had been, 'my wife doesn't want a 2nd child, but I do, the responses would be very, very different.

For some people, a second child might tip the balance firmly in favour of what they may see as child-centric domestic drudgery. And not everyone relishes a life like that.

Some couples thrive with multiple children but I expect those couples are on the same page. My own experience as a child of a mother desperate for a second and father who grudgingly went along with it, is quite different. He was a better and more involved parent to my older sibling.

@Tinklyheadtilt . We are both speaking from personal observation, aren't we?

I don't believe that there are that many dads out there who are great dads to one child and suddenly turn into rubbish dads to two. I haven't seen it happen. You have apparently, so you believe it - that there are men who are involved responsible family men, but when the second child arrives it's too much so suddenly they're out all weekend cycling. I think that's rubbish, but like you I'm purely extrapolating from my personal experience, which is what human beings do in general.

This

I’ve known several marriages (including that of my parents) fall apart within a couple of years of the arrival of a second. The child is in no way to blame personally but the additional pressure and stress just pushes some parents beyond their limits of time, energy and mental bandwidth. When they’ve been browbeaten or manipulated into that situation, it’s a recipe for toxic resentment.

My 6 year old asks about a sibling occasionally. She likes the idea of it, not so much the reality of babies, if her interactions with her cousin is anything to go by. Sadly for us it just isn't on the cards, our eldest daughter was lost in pregnancy after 11 years of unexplained infertility, she also had a chromosome deletion that meant a lot of tests but was found to be 'just one of those things'. I found my second pregnancy to be very hard, both mentally and physically as I was constantly worried the same thing would happen again, which combined with PTSD and other health complications meant pregnancy was a thoroughly miserable time. We decided not to test our luck any further and drew a line under it not long after DD was born. DH has had the snip. If the subject comes up I simply tell her that daddy has had a special operation and mummy is too old so we can't have anymore babies. Then she asks for a dog.

I am one of two, I get on with my brother, now, I wouldn't change things. I love him very much. My mum is an only and my dad is 1 of 3, both ended up being the primary carers for their parents, mum because there was no one else until I took over due to her ill health and my dad because one brother sadly died and the other is an arse who scarpered the minute he could see that his mother needed more help, leaving all of it to my dad, showed up for his inheritance though.

As you can see there are no guarantees, you should have a second child because you both want one not to give your child a sibling. And if one does not want another then that choice takes precedence. No one should be forced to have a child they don't want.

Plenty of kids are only children and are just fine. Your husband may change his mind, 3 is a pretty full on age, he may find four or five easier and revisit his decision. He may not. Whatever the outcome you have an existing child that must come first.

But I've never said that I think anyone should be manipulated, guilted or browbeaten into having a child or additional children that they don't want.

My only real contribution to this thread has been that no one should be manipulated, guilted or browbeaten into staying in a relationship where their partner no longer shares their life goals, including as regards family size. And there's quite a lot of manipulation, guilting and beowbeating going on in this thread... leaving is described as "selfish", for example.

Well yeah they will go from being a good or great Dad to one that really struggles - having small kids is bloody hard work and if you aren't 100% invested it becomes very bad very quickly.

Having one child still gives parents a bit of free time once they are 2/3/4 as you can tag team it a bit. Once you start getting a bit of that freedom, then a baby arrives that you didn't want and you have zero time to yourself for probably the next 5 years. I can see how it happens.

Yes, however there is a whiff of the ends-justify-the-means in some of the things you say. If a second child turns up, all will the rosy and silly DH (‘father of the year’) will inevitably see the error of his ways and everyone lives happily ever after… From my experiences and observations, IRL it isn’t always that simple.

You might think being an only was crap but try asking what childhood is like for the poor kids forced into 'blended' families so their parents could have more children. Crap doesn't begin to cover it.

@Bonmot57 . I never claimed that a second child would be a "magic bullet" in that way. Some things work out in life, some don't.

What I really object to is people undermining the OP's desire for a second child and making out that, just because her husband doesn't want a second, it's in some way foolish and illegitimate. That she just needs to turn that part of her brain off and get on with being a meek, dutiful wife because he has spoken and decreed there shall be one child only. That she should be grateful and thankful and shut up. That's not how people work.

I was going to say similar.

Leaving a marriage because you're 'unfulfilled' and want a second child is all well and good but you have to find a man first, and presume your first child will be happy living with a half brother or sister who is their step dad's whole universe and they only see their dad every other weekend.

It's just not that simple is it?
But it's ok, you got your second child.

To suggest the DH has haughtily ‘decreed’ no second child is to suggest he is somehow denying someone a child, when there is no moral obligation on him whatsoever to father a child he doesn’t want. He has simply decided he would rather not father another child?

You are suggesting she just casually walk away to please herself which she is of course free to do. But that means separation/divorce, a broken home, everyone starting all over again and DC1 being pushed from pillar to post under a 50/50 joint custody arrangement and potentially a blended stepfamily scenario which may or may not work out.

All of this for some ‘primal’ apparently unstoppable urge? I would call that selfish, yes.

@Bonmot57 . It doesn't matter whether ultimately there is a second child or not though. Sometimes people change in a way that means a previously functioning relationship is over. So it's not "casually walking away to please oneself", it's leaving a failing relationship. Because sometimes people can't switch off their feelings and play happy families as if they are robots.