Husband doesn’t want a second child. Current child desperate for sibling. Heartbroken

[Blipblopblap]

We’ve been together since we were kids and we’re in our 30s now. We have a 3 year old son. We’d always said we would have 2. Current child is very hard work and was a “hard baby” which is why my husband has decided against it. I don’t think he enjoys being a dad as much as he thought but he seems better the older our son gets. Having quality time as a couple is important to him, as it is me, so I do understand his concerns. But it doesn’t stop me feeling devastated. He’d been considering it recently and even asked our son if he’d like a sibling. Now it’s ALL our boy talks about, he asks me every day if there’s a baby in my tummy, and when he draws pictures of his family there’s a baby in it. Can you see why I’m distraught…. He would be the best big brother, he adores babies and always has! I’m gutted for him. And for me. But I don’t think my husband would cope anyway… has anyone else been through this heartache and does it pass?

You really can't think why someone might want a second child?

Weird.

I agree that no one can know whether they'll want more than one child in advance, but the advice given on these threads tends to be "accept it, come to terms with it and shut up about it".

When your life plans have been unilaterally changed by another person's decision (albeit a decision that they're perfectly justified in making), that's a pretty inadequate response.

The OP's husband has changed the game plan. The OP doesn't have to pretend that she's ok with this. That's not the same as pressuring him to have another.

Isn’t it obvious? You hope/assume that the second one will be easier.

That’s not to say it’ll turn out that way, but it’s hardly difficult to understand that sometimes people want to have two children no matter how challenging it was first time around.

But the alternative is either get over it (I acknowledge that sounds harsh, but I mean come to terms with it over a period of time) or end the relationship and hope she meets someone new who also wants a baby, in sufficient time to establish a good relationship suitable to bring a child into, hope that she maintains a good coparenting relationship with her ex, hope the new guy doesn’t already have kids with someone else and hope she gets the mythical successful blended family.

I wouldn’t put my child through a family break up for another child.

Absolutely. Or you assume that it's going to be shit for a few years more, but it will get better eventually and it will be worth it in the end.

We don't tell people who have difficult first pregnancies/births that they shouldn't have another child.

My husband and I had discussed trying to have three children and that seemed to be what we both wanted in the early years of our relationship and marriage. After our second DC, H changed his mind. Was nothing to do with the children themselves- rather it was because my mental health had suffered and we were going into a recession at the time. He said he didn’t want to have any more and I had to respect that. It did impact on our relationship for a good couple of years- I felt resentful; DH felt defensive. I made my peace with it in the end and actually have ended up feeling that two DC is right for us.

But sticking with one and sticking with two aren’t the same thing and in your situation OP, I’d have been devastated and really struggled to accept it and move on. I don’t know if my relationship would have survived. I hope you and your DH can get past it and find a way forward that you can both accept. (I hope he changes his mind really!)

I wouldn’t put my child through a family break up for another child.

But that's a matter of choice and personal preference/outlook on life. In reality, I doubt I could have continued to have a good relationship with my husband in these circumstances. I would have been too resentful. So the family break up would probably have occurred anyway, whether one child or two.

I also wouldn't sacrifice a chance at a second child to stay with a man who was a rubbish dad to our first.

I'm not trying to influence the OP in either direction - all I'm saying is that she is entitled to think about what she values most in her life and "shut up and play nice" is not necessarily the correct answer.

People are entitled to change their mind. None of us really know how we are going to be as parents until the kids are here!

No amount of nieces/nephews/friends kids can prepare you for that. We always wanted three, our first were twins and we decided that was enough.

I wanted a bigger family, dh wanted 2 and we compromised on that until we had our 1st. Which was harder than he thought. Now he only wants 1. In our case it is unlikely we would have another as I lost 3 before the 1 we did have and haven't fallen pregnant since, despite us not using protection. DD is now 5 and occasionally wants a sibling. To be honest it is too late for any sibling conceived now to be much of a playmate for her. My bother has 6nywars between each of his 3 and days out are a nightmare as they only ever suit 1 child and they all hate each other and compete in the house. I have reached a point where I am happy as I am. DD and I go on loads of adventures and have great fun and we have plenty of friends round to keep her amused. It took time to reach acceptance but we are there now. If you don't mention it your 3 year old will soon forget.

It's your husband's choice what he does with his fertility. I would discuss how babies can be different but ultimately it's his choice and he should get the snip if adamant.

Your 3yo has no idea what a sibling really means. Don't be heartbroken. Plenty of upsides about being an only child.

I'd be glass half full and appreciate the child you have.

What your 3 your old supposedly says he wants is irrelevant. And to try tell us he is desperate for a sibling, seriously have some more respect for people would you. We all know that's bs.
You want one. Dh doesn't.
So parkrk it. Maybe when your other one is 5 or 6 or 7 or 10 he might change his mind.
If not, well that's that.
I married dh because I adore him. Not because I wanted to have kids. They were both a blessing and v hard work.
He's only 3. Thers is 5 years between our first 2 because I cld not possible bear the thought of more sleepless nights. After 5 years I had enough strength to know I could cope again.
Having kids is hard and he is dead right to admit it.

Your DS is just using words his dad has given him. You don't have children to give 'gift' of a sibling.

I'm an only child. I would have liked 2, but medically was only able to have 1. I hate seeing threads where only children (whether by choice or otherwise) are seen as a less valid lifestyle than multiples or are to be pitied.

That said, it's up to you if this is a dealbreaker for you. Would you separate for the chance of another child with someone else that might not happen and brings with it challenges of shared custody? Your DH might change his mind, he might not. You need to decide how to move forwards if he doesn't.

It’s not the end of it if it’s not what the OP wants! This would have been a deal breaker for me and I would have ended my marriage without question despite loving my husband very much. The OP’s husband has every right to say he doesn’t want another child but he must accept that if this isn’t what his wife wants, then she may choose to leave.

OP, think really carefully about how you feel. Not how your son feels as that will pass but how you really feel. If you think you can accept this and have no regrets then that’s great. However, if you just accept it to keep him happy yet you yearn for another child, it will eventually poison your relationship as you will become bitter; maybe not straight away but years down the line. Good luck.

I was also an only child and also desperate to have as many kids as possible as a result. After 2 (quite close together) my husband said no more. I knew I was blessed with my two but, if I'm honest, my heart absolutely ached for another. I didn't push the issue as didn't want to force my husband but he did change his mind once the first two were older and we had a bit of a breather from the nappies and sleepless nights. We now have 3. I'd probably have more but that would definitely be pushing it!

If he finds fatherhood hard with his biological child how do you think he will cope with an older adopted child? Anyway as far as I know you can’t adopt a child older than your own children. Older adopted children unfortunately will have a lot of baggage. Some people make amazing adoptive parents but I doubt OP’s H will or would even entertain the idea (not a criticism, I couldn’t do it).

You really can't base any of this on the whims of a three year old - both of you need to get a bit of a grip.

Putting that entirely ... really really entirely ... to one side, there aren't many choices open are there - if one of a couple don't want another.

He may change his mind. Three year olds are hard work and you both appear clueless with the parenting, or at least some aspects, so that's not going to help. By school age things may be easier, you never know.

I'm a bit in the same position. Our DS has been a very hard work baby, but now that we're into the toddler stage and the utter exhaustion is fading, I'm starting to think we could manage another and am getting broody. While DH is still of the mindset that he doesn't want to do something that hard again and thinks that having another, especially if they were as difficult as DS, would be too much.

We've agreed to park the discussion for now because neither of us wants to have another immediately. But what's really helping me to not be resentful is reminding myself that the reason I want another is because I love our little family of 3 so much and feel very happy and fulfilled by our life right now. So if we do have another it will be lovely, but actually our current life is also wonderful the way it is.

One of my acquaintances had a ‘Difficult’ first child. His wife also suffered severe PND that took a good 18mths to get over. He didn’t want a second. She did. The PND didn’t happen with the second, but the 2nd child was just as tricky, if not more so than the first.
He left, emigrated in fact. And as far as I know doesn’t have anything to do with either child (they are adults now) I think now they’d be diagnosed with something, but 20 years ago, they were just naughty kids…parenthood isn’t for everyone.

A three year old doesn’t have much concept of what a sibling would mean, so don’t worry about that!

Although my situation was different to yours in that I was the one trying to change the goal posts (we’d agreed to only have one) I was so hurt at the thought of not being able to have another child and him being the one with all the power. It felt awful.

I was so upset as I was so desperate for another child but he was adamant that it wasn’t something he wanted to embark on. It consumed my thoughts every day and although we had many conversations about it he continued to make it clear he didn’t want another child.

However, one day I was really triggered at work (by something relating to child death) and when DH came home he found me in floods of tears. It led to a huge outpouring including how much I wanted a second baby and why I wanted one, and I think that’s when he first truly realised how much it meant to me.

I think prior to seeing that raw emotion he had put my previous discussions about another baby as being down to me nagging or just semi-clowning around. But this time he could see how deeply distressed I was.

Ultimately we did try for a second baby.

I wouldn’t have left him if he’d said a firm no and we’d never had a second, but I think I would have always resented him.

Its a really shitty position to be in OP 💐

It’s the wrong reason. To have a baby because a child wants a younger sibling/baby in the family. What happens when you have 2/3/4 and they want a younger sibling. My youngest was always on about a baby sibling, no way was I indulging that!

No, not when the first one has been hard work. The second could be as bad or worse. Why the hell would you put yourself through that? Much better to have a peaceful nice life.

Her OH is the sensible one not wanting life to be disrupted even more than it has been. I guess it depends how much she loves her OH as to whether another child is more important than he is

Of course it’s personal choice, just giving my perspective. Yours is different. I personally can’t imagine anything more heartbreaking than the possibility of my DD feeling like she wasn’t enough, that I had to end my and DH’s relationship for someone who didn’t, and might never, exist.

@BelindaBears . The problem I have with people saying they're just giving their opinion is the way that "advice" to the OP is often framed on these types of threads.

"Put it out of your mind"
"Get over it"
"Be content with one"
"You're the one with the problem"
"Stop being "distraught""
"Why isn't your existing child enough for you?"
"Appreciate the child you have"
"Don't break up the family"
"Your husband is the sensible one"

All things said on this thread and common sentiments on threads like this. All designed to minimise the OP's feelings and delegitimise her perfectly rational wish for a second child.

Ok, but at the end of the day all of that is semantics. Yes, it’s a very sad position to be in, but ultimately she has the choice to either get over it or leave him in the hope of having another child - with all the risks and negative outcomes that involves. (Assuming the DH’s position is completely intractable which isn’t entirely clear since he’s doing shit like asking a 3 year old about a sibling.)

Spot. On.

If people could get over their difficult emotions by looking on the bright side, nobody would have any!

Somebody should go into schools and teach this stuff. Just cheer up! Watch mental health problems get slashed in half, overnight!