Husbands booked a private vasectomy I'm gutted

[DoYouRegret]

We have one DD who will be 3 in June together. I love her so much, she's such a funny little soul. But I just can't imagine never ever being pregnant again, but I might have to get used to it.

I'm only 25, DH 24. But he's managed to find a private surgeon who will give him a vasectomy as he's adamant he doesn't want anymore children.

It really really hurts. When we first got together I was unsure if I wanted children, but DH said he wanted 2 or 3, maybe even 4. I know minds get changed as is obvious because we have DD, but I'm so upset.

I've asked him to put it off for a few years, wait until DD is 8 or 9 so we're sure but he says he's been sure since the day she was born that she'll be his only. He feels his life is complete. DD wasn't planned, and we didn't get married until she was nearly 1. He says as soon as he held her when she was a few minutes old he felt that was him done for fatherhood. For the first 6 months of DDs life I've not wanted another child, but then I changed my mind. DD also wants a sibling, she often asks when she's getting a baby brother I know I can't trust what a 2 year old says though as obvious she doesn't know the reality

I admire his honesty, and I'd never break up our family over it. And the operation is booked and paid for now (his grandparents are giving him the money for it ) but I feel so upset.

His parents didn't want to ever be grandparents and they regularly tell us that, they love DD but they don't help us out childcare wise, never look after her on their own and tell everyone who listen that "they never wanted grandchildren" and "Would be happy to never have another" which I think might be influencing his decision. Obviously they're no obliged to help us out, but I think this is a horrible thing to say.

How do I get over this? And look to the future with only one child?

Also has anyone stayed with a husband/partner who did this and not resented them?

@Aridane

You will now receive an email as I wrote @plusyourcompleteusername

You didnt tag mustang as you missed out the 27.

Chaos
I think it’s the age people have issues with. Not the logic. The nhs wouldn’t perform a vasectomy so young. Same with tube tying/ historectomy.

He is a young adult. Having been his age once upon a time he doesn’t yet understand the implication of his choices at this age imo.

But we’re not talking about fathers who walk away from their children in other circumstances, that is an entirely different (but valid) discussion.

We’re talking about a man who has said that he doesn’t want any more children ever, and is so sure about that fact that he is prepared to undergo permanent sterilisation to ensure that it doesn’t happen, and posters saying that he doesn’t have the right to decide that because it’s not what his partner wants however if she falls pregnant (which is entirely possible given they’ve already had one unplanned pregnancy) then he is still responsible for that child regardless of the fact that he made it very clear prior to conception that he didn’t want more children and was prepared to take the necessary steps to ensure that this didn’t happen.

You cannot compare the two. Posters are constantly being told on here when a man walks away from his financial responsibilities or insists she have a termination that “if he didn’t want children then he should either abstain or have a vasectomy, otherwise he knew that sex could equal pregnancy and therefore should be responsible. Now we have a man who wants to do just that and who is being told that he is selfish and should just let the OP have the implant.

It’s a double standard, pure and simple.

He is a young adult. Having been his age once upon a time he doesn’t yet understand the implication of his choices at this age imo. how patronising though. Fact is, he is an adult. Clearly he understands the implications of having sex are pregnancy and as such he doesn’t want that to happen. And people are quite prepared to state here that he shouldn’t have the choice of responsibility for any children he fathers but he doesn’t have the choice not to father any children if he doesn’t want them.

If he abdicates the responsibility for contraception to his partner then he is responsible and if he didn’t want a baby he should have had a vasectomy/abstained from sex.

Yet if he did either of those things he is being selfish because his partner isn’t done with having her family yet (she doesn’t think.) and he isn’t old enough to decide he doesn’t want any children

Yet his partner is old enough to decide she does want children?

FWIW I do think that if you are sterilised you shouldn’t be entitled to a reversal or IVF on the NHS regardless of where you get it done. But I don’t think that you shouldn’t be entitled to decide that you’re prepared to take permanent steps not to have children....

He absolutely has the right to decide on the vasectomy. You absolutely have the right to find a new partner if your wish for another baby is stronger than your love for what you have.

It seems foolish to not discuss it honestly and openly before an irreversible decision is made. And it is and should be absolutely considered irreversible. It means that, to the best of his knowledge, he would have no more children if he meets a new partner, wins the lottery, you die and he remarries, DD passes away, DD reaches 5/10/18 and you have more time... EVER. (The sperm storage mention up thread is ludicrous and borderline unethical).

If he truly feels that is the case then a vasectomy could be the answer. I would not have been able to stay with DH if he denied me a second child in this way (third / fourth a different matter, but I strongly and viscerally wanted a second baby and would have gone through fertility treatment etc has it not happened naturally. I have nothing against only children - DH and DM are successful and lovely onlies who had great childhoods - but for me personally it was not an option)

My mum was sterilised (on the NHS) when she was 30. She was absolutely adament that she didn’t want any more children My dad offered to be done but she said that if anything had ever happened to her he might want more children with someone else, whereas she knew she didn’t.

Similarly when me and xh agreed to stop trying he said he would be done but again I had the same view as my mum, and as it happens we are no longer together (for different reasons) and he does have children with his current partner whereas for me that ship has sailed.

Also, where should the line be drawn between men and women in terms of age? A woman’s fertility typically declines from around 35 and is more or less non existant by the time she’s 45, so it could be argued that a woman need never be sterilised as time will run out for her eventually anyway or that perhaps she could be sterilised from the age of 30 or so. Whereas men can father children throughout their entire lives so sterilisation at 30 still means another 35 years of no more children, even if they don’t necessarily father children for that long typically.

But at what age should a man be allowed to take responsibility for his own fertility?

Vasectomies are easily reversible these days. I wouldn't worry about it too much now. You have more important things to worry about.

'Vasectomies are easily reversible these days.'

That is by NO means true, it can be very individual as people scar differently and it should always be considered permanent contraception.

EggsonHeads while it is true that 95% of reversals result in motile sperm being produced within a year, the pregnancy rates are just 55% and even lower if the vasectomy was >10 years ago. In my opinion it should be like marriage - the act is reversible, but you shouldn't really enter into the agreement if you're already considering changing your mind.

Thanks expat I agree it should absolutely be considered a permanent procedure with consideration to all the factors listed.

My figures are from BPAS btw.

I stand corrected.

Eggbertnobacon
the sperm storage suggestion upthread is ludicrous and borderline unethical.

Care to explain rather than just being rude?

I didn't feel I was rude, but I do feel those things.

One has a vasectomy to prevent pregnancy permanently. Storing sperm suggests the patient does not want to prevent pregnancy permanently, ergo vasectomy is the wrong course of action and knowingly performing the wrong procedure, against a patient's best interests, is unethical.

Condoms and abstinence from PIV sex are two much better methods for the man to take charge of in this instance. Obviously condoms in conjunction with the pill or coil or whatever, if the partner is in agreement.

www.healthcentre.org.uk/vasectomy/vasectomy-vasovasostomy-cryostoring-sperm.html

Just found out cryostorage of sperm for vasectomy candidates is a thing. I am flabbergasted tbh but obviously there is a market for it...

Sorry I've been at work, Friday is a work day for me! Not a journalist thankfully, just a carer in a home.

I was on the pill but we suspect DD was conceived when I was on antibiotics for something. I've been on the implant since DD was 2 months old, never had a pregnancy scare and I'd be happy to go back on it when it needs replacing in a few months time.

His grandparents are great, have always said children are a blessing even when unplanned, paid for our wedding and adore my DD, but they're in their 80s so suspect this is influencing them. The money is apparently his inheritance so not sure they know what it's being spent on.

DH isn't an only child, but his younger sister is 6 years younger than him, so I suspect they never really wanted children and both DH and SIL where unplanned. MIL was 34 when DH was born and 40 with SIL so not exactly young but not old either.

The "they never wanted grandchildren" and "Would be happy to never have another" where direct quotes. They've never said them in front of DD but I've heard MILs friends say it about her and when my mum asked me jokingly at the wedding when I was having another baby MIL said "Hopefully never" across the room. SIL has also told me that her mum said to her she hopes SIL never has children apparently this was said shortly after DD was born.

DH has felt like this since DD was born, and this has been the ongoing discussion every time contraception gets mentioned (probably once a year or so) since then. Like I said I admire his honesty but I just feel the decision is being taken away from me. No genetic conditions that I'm aware of. DD did have a few issues some of which are ongoing but they should resolve themselves before she's a teenager and they don't really affect her day-to-day, she copes at a private nursery and should start a mainstream school next year. She will definitely be an independent adult.

I'd never break up the family over this as I do believe the person who doesn't want children/more children trumps the one that does. And I do love him, despite everything I do.

He's a great dad, spends 1-1 time with DD, chose her first name and tells me regularly she's the best thing to ever happen to him.

No! No! No!

Write to the doctor and explain why you don't want it to go ahead.

24 is too young to make this drastic decision for both of you.

Is he the dad who didn't want to put the nursery photo of DD up on the wall because a condition she has currently makes her look slightly different by any chance?

I'd never break up the family over this

That's great if it's a compromise you are willing to make; you say you have asked him to delay already, so he may be determined. Is the appointment for the actual procedure or the initial pre-op / counselling? It may yet iron out.

If having just one isn't something you can live with, or it becomes something you can't live with, then it wouldn't be you breaking up the family. It would be a very sad but very real incompatibility.

I wish you well.

Write to the doctor and explain why you don't want it to go ahead. can you imagine the thread the other way around?

“Have been married to my DH for x years, when we got married he wasn’t sure that he wanted children but I knew that I wanted three or four. However, we fell pregnant unexpectedly and when DD was born I suddenly realised that this was it for me and that actually I didn’t want any more children ever. Now DD is four and I adore her but I don’t want any more children, so I have booked to be sterilised privately because the NHS won’t agree. My husband has disagreed with me massively about this because he says he can’t imagine us not having any more. So I have now found out that he has written to my doctor and said that he’s not happy for me to go ahead with the procedure. WWYD?”

Seriously can you imagine the responses?

OP this is by no means against you in this instance but really some of the responses on this thread are shocking beyond belief.

As for his parents, I would just ignore them and any of their comments from now on.

*No! No! No!

Write to the doctor and explain why you don't want it to go ahead.

24 is too young to make this drastic decision for both of you.*

What a load of rubbish. She has no say in what he does to his body, that's his choice alone. He's making the choice not to have any more children after an accidental pregnancy, the OP is free to stay or go so is not being forced into anything.

No ethical doctor would refuse on the basis the current partner didn't agree.

Hello again OP. Saw your update and wanted to apologise about making a comment suggesting you might be a journalist. The situation just seemed so extreme, and the interference of your inlaws so unpleasant that I started to wonder if there had been exaggeration to spark debate. I am sorry that this is your real life and you are going through it and hope that you can talk your husband out of this. All the best.

Aurea's post has to be the most ridiculous one yet.

ChaosNeverRains You,on the other hand,your post makes SO much sense right now.

OP He sounds like a great father and a great DP. But of course as long as he is aware of the consequences of his actions, it is indeed his body,his choice.
I understand you assume his decision might be influenced by his parents but it is still a big decision to take and if he is ready to do it, it means he must have given it a proper thought as well.
And then there is also the very fact that a vasectomy is reversible.
Pls ignore your MIL. I know it's hard as I have a nightmare of MIL as well but I have reached to a point where her words do not matter at all now.

Chaos
No it isn’t patronising. He’s made a unilateral decision without discussing the ramifications as Eggbert cited:

*It seems foolish to not discuss it honestly and openly before an irreversible decision is made.... it means that, to the best of his knowledge, he would have no more children if he meets a new partner, wins the lottery, you die and he remarries, DD passes away, DD reaches 5/10/18 and you have more time... EVER.

I’d add to the list ops probable growing resentment and broodiness, which is likely to become the elephant in the room, ignored, not discussed.

People come on this site to discuss, pool ressources, look at their issues from all different angles. He isn’t prepared to do this. It is a very fair assumption he hasn’t thought this decision through properly and all of the ramifications.

Write to the doctor and explain why you don't want it to go ahead.

LOL NO. Ridiculous suggestion. He is an adult male and he can make his own decisions about his own body.

24 is too young to make this drastic decision for both of you.

He is not making the decision for both of them. He is making the decision for HIM. The OP is free to have more children if she wants. Just not his children.

All you can say is that you respect his decision not to have more children but could he please consider a longer term contraceptive purely because you never know he might change his mind, god forbid something may happen to dd, or even you may die or split up. Ok so he probably won't change his mind and you are ok if he doesn't but please please can he reconsider just in case.

You have to convince him that you won't trick him into fatherhood.