Im driving myself crazy trying to decide

[Mrstumbletap]

I can't decide whether to stay with one, or try for another I'm 34 I can't spend forever deciding. I'm thinking about it more and more frequently and it's driving me crazy as I need to make a decision!

Pros of one child
Life is easy with one
Get my own time (DH does too)
Have time for my career
More comfortable with money
Give all my time to DS
Not close to my sibling, so don't feel sibling guilt

Cons
Child misses out on close relationship/socialising
Caring for elderly parent/s alone - burden
Quiet Christmas
The saying "you regret what you didn't do, not what you did do" keeps looping around and around in my head.
Tiredness of a newborn

How, how, how can you make the decision of sticking with one or doing it all again?! It seems impossible

I think man are always reluctant. My husband said no after he turned 40. He said he is too old to be father. We do most of the work anyways, I’m not sure why they complain! I would say you both have still good chance of conceiving ladies!

Thanks again @roserposer. I'm enjoying your posts here. It's nice to hear that you have found peace. It's such a difficult and confusing situation to be in! Yes, 36 is certainly not too old and I know people who have had their first babies at 38-40 and it's been ok. I have a bit of a history though (TFMR) which makes me nervy of any factors that might increase the risk of complications. But I feel I'm getting ahead of myself again as we haven't even decided what we're doing...

@P24VP I think mine is an introvert too, as am I and my husband. I'm also concerned about my child being alone in case friends don't happen easily etc. My family don't live nearby so we don't really see many people at all, especially now. Although having said that I have a brother myself and I never see him and rarely speak to him, so I guess siblings having a close bond is not guaranteed. I did love having a brother when I was little though.

@BabyPotato I’m so sorry to hear TFMR. Hope you are ok. I was just thinking how we kept this post going well and supporting each other. I am also in a few Facebook groups. They massively helped me to come to terms. Like you guys I also struggled to decide if I should have another one but when mine was little it was not right time for us for various reasons, mainly career but when we tried to have second one it was too late. Right now I have a good career which I worked so hard to build and good home life. I think it works for us to be family of 3. My problem is I always compare myself with others which my husband pointed out recently. I don’t know why I do this. After talking to my husband and being on a few Facebook groups and these discussion groups I decided to see more of the positives. It can be hard at times but we only live once I don’t want to regret wasting my precious years in sadness. The life is hard as it is right now anyways!
My husband also introvert, I’m not but I used to be. My daughter so not she is so confident and friendly hope she stays like this. Your little ones might change too, as I said I used to be very shy but I’m not shy any more.

@Roserposer thank you for all your interesting comments. Yes it's harder when you are trying at 40 - although a friend of mine recently told me that her cousin had her second at 44 - nearly 45.
I sometimes think of having another but usually when we've slept through the night and had a lovely day 😆

Be interesting to hear what it's like as a family of three. How did - obviously pre Covid - did days go? Play dates? Do you get a sense you generally have more time and space for your one child?

And mums who were only children themselves- how did you find that?

Of course everyone is different and has different experiences but sometimes I think we don't think long term ... that's what sometimes make me think I should try for another - 🥴

@P24VP wev talked about ensuring we aren't a burden when older.. except I'm not sure if that will be the reality. I'm very close to my parents and I would hate to see them in a care facility when with our help (my sibling and I) and care workers we can manage fine and they are happy in their own home. It really depends how your child feels when they are older, if they are happy to not care.

My concern is also what if over the age of 40 there's an increased chance of having a baby requiring additional support. That's more to do with our age and leaving our daughter to care for a sibling let alone us in old age.

Even though I'd like another, I feel very lucky to have one and I nearly had a life with no child and I should feel happy and content that we can be parents to our daughter.

Anyone feel that ensuring their only child is close to their cousins?? Maybe that gives them the support when we are no longer here??

I really am swaying between being happy with one and ttc another!!! 💕

@mumma90 I'm the same! If I've had a good night I feel totally up for having a baby. Then if my child has kept me up at night and woken up too early I get a fleeting thought that maybe it's not for me anymore. But it vanishes after a coffee.

@roserposer Ooh, I'll have to check out some Facebook groups too. Would be good to read more about families of 3. I'm also guilty of comparing myself with others and now that everyone I know are having second/third babies it does feel like one more reason for me to do it, but it's not really a good enough reason.

@shiningstarz I tried to get my child to bond with cousins and it started out quite well as they're all pretty much the same age, but Covid happened so we've not seen anyone for yonks. Hoping to resume cousin play dates soon!

Ahh I'm totally down about this all. This time last year I was so so happy with my only, and now all I can think about is having another one. I feel like I've let myself and my husband down by changing my mind. Obviously my child is still the bee's knees, so it's not that I feel like they're not enough. It's just that they're so great that I want to do it all over again. Sigh.

@Roserposer my DD is almost 1 but I'm almost 37,and DH is 44 so feel if we were to try for another one it would need to be in the next 12 months, thinking of seeking out counseling to help come to a decision because I think it really does mess with your head! And you're right, when others start having second children it does make you think hmm maybe I should too...but I keep telling myself that it's not that simple, everyone has different home lives and what works for some families may not work for others etc) I guess it's the fact that it is such a gamble with no guarantees! In this situation a crystal ball would be nice!

I've spent most of the morning thinking about having another one 🥴
I'm just thinking that the sleepless nights are such a short time.
I survived the first.
I could do it again.
Now got to have the chat with hubby 🙋🏼‍♀️💆‍♂️

@mumma90 great that you are making progress, yes when you have a little one you don’t think about having another one as you are too tired and busy but some people don’t think just her in with it. It is only a few years and you will be fine. I think the ones they have kids one after the other they don’t want to sleepless nights again and do it all same time which makes sense but I never thought that way as back home you get family helping you and people tend space your kids out. I guess it was cultural thing but I don’t have anyone helping me here and I work full time. I was able to just manage it with one child hence I didn’t rush to have another one if I did have another one it meant I needed to stop working which was not something I was happy with it at the time but if you ask me now I don’t mind not working I guess we change over time. If you want another one, definitely go for it. It is only temporary. My daughter is 5 and half and I’m 42, I don’t think I can handle another one. It is so though to do homeschooling, when I think about having another one I say no way I can go through this again, it is hard work. I don’t have much patient to do homework, deal with the dramas/emotions that comes with when they grow. I want to focus on one child and give her the best of me. I’m physically fit and able to do it but mentally I don’t think I’m. I think going through menopause doesn’t help either. Hope your husband comes around to the idea. Not many man are keen on kids as I want a simple life x

@ShiningStarz in term of cousins, yes when they are young it is good for them to bond with their cousins my daughter has lots of cousins but they are mainly abroad do we only have 2 in the UK, she plays with the older one sometimes but they don’t really know what cousins means it is like another friend. When you get older, you never see them. My husband grew up with his cousins and did everything together and he has not seen any of them for years. They never talk. I don’t have anything to do with my cousins as I moved a country. You make your friends and family, I don’t buy into cousins thing that much tbh. This is my opinion people might have different experience of course.
We also had the similar fears about having a child with issues this also held me back trying too as I don’t think I can handle it well and I certainly don’t want to burden my daughter with that.
I moved to another country so I won’t be able to care for my ageing parents, so even you have more than one kid, if they all live different places this doesn’t also solve the problem as you never know who will end up where.
You can’t really plan these things, if you want to have another one just try. I was struggling coming to terms with it. What helped me with was, I actually realised I have much simpler life move and have everything I ever wanted in life, we are free to do most things as we only have one child. While my husband looking after our little girl I go for a run and cook things I like. I think which ever way you go there will be some bumps initially but you adopt to live your decision and you will be fine.
@Sunshinemum12 yes when my daughter was that little and your age I didn’t think having another one so you are actually at the good place to decide now rather than leaving you later. Hope your counselling session helps you, let us know how you get on.
@BabyPotato yes check out the groups I like the one in the uk that called my first, my last, my everything and there are other a few only children groups x

@Roserposer: wow! Looks like our situations are so so similar. I could have written the same exact post. By the way if at our age we do get pregnant there are always options for NPIT and other tests at pregnancy which can reveal issues. Have any of you looked into or thought about it?

Thanks @Roserposer for your reply.
I now have my own partner and he is a amazingly supportive of helping me with my ageing parents, he is great and I really lean on him as he does me. It's just great knowing I can go away on holiday for 2 weeks knowing my brother wil look after my parents needs and I don't have to worry. I don't want my daughter to have these worries! I hope she meets a lovely partner who is very supportive.

Maybe I'm the worrier lol and I should just stop worrying and enjoy what I have !!! When I read what Iv written back, I sound like a crazy lady 😂 oh god!!!

@ShiningStarz haha I'm a worrier too. I'm already worrying about my child's future partners and how my old age is going to look like for my child. I'm a bit premature with these things. Lol.

@Roserposer did you move to another country when you were quite young too? I moved to the UK when I was around 21 and I'm still here. It does mean that my parents and the rest of the family live far far away from me (the pandemic has been horrific as my mum has not been able to see her grandchild for over a year now ) which presents its own challenges, and I also worry about my parents even though they're quite fit and healthy. Well, my mum struggles a bit but it's nothing life limiting thankfully, and I must admit that I feel relieved that she has my older brother looking out for her. I speak to her lots but I feel bad for not being able to do her shopping etc when she's shielding etc.

Been talking to my husband quite a bit recently. It's quite tragic really as he is terrified of another pregnancy, but I did mentally prepare myself that this is what his reaction would be. I guess he's not had much time to think about it at all whereas I've spent months arguing with myself whether this would be a good idea or not. I don't want to pressure him at all so I planned to leave it completely for a bit, but he mentioned it yesterday in passing and he said something that kind of hints that he is thinking about it. That is all I can ask for, so I'm pleased that he is giving it some thought. Not expecting miracles here but at least there is some hope. And if it is a no then at least I have already started looking at the positives of having an only, and preparing for a life as a trio. (But damn the broodiness is real! I used to be a sensible person and now I'm obsessed with babies and being pregnant. Wtf has happened to me?!)

@BabyPotato yes I came here straight after university. I have spent most of my years in the UK. I was initially came here for a year or two but ended up staying which was not what I planned. I have struggled here but I then started putting things in order and got married. I got married late though. I had my daughter just before I turned 37 and juggling career, childcare and family life was though. Also, my husband was not very hands on, I felt like single mother tbh. At the time for me having another one didn’t make sense as I thought it should be joint effort. I only wanted another one in recent years as my daughter got easier, but my husband is was not keen being older parent, he is only 42. We are financially in a good place, we are both working and have a very happy daughter. I used to be sensible and always used my head. When you get older you change, you become more family focused I think. Hope your husband comes around quick. Yes seeing positives helps. This is how I started feeling ok about not having second. I see the positives now, I do get off days I feel bad for my daughter but she has all our attention instead. I’m sure she will be fine. I was one of 8 and never been supported emotionally by my parents, had a quite lonely childhood in fact, I turned out ok, I have always been sensible, try to do well with my study and career. I came here set up a life all by myself, did well for myself. just want her to be happy person when she grows up.
@P24VP wow, it is good to see other people experiencing the similar things and been on the same journey. No, I didn’t look into this. I’m currently experiencing premenopausal symptoms and also my husband was not keen on having second so I am just trying to be grateful for what I have.

@Roserposer I wish you all the best in your journey. It’s true that age makes us family focused. The mind just craves peace and I hope we all get our final sense of contentment no matter what path we choose or gets thrown at us.

@P24VP thank you. Exactly. I was quite happy with us being family of 3 for a while, it never bothered me. After I turned 40 something changed in me but it didn’t happen. Maybe we were meant to be this way. I felt like I deprived my child something she would have enjoyed because of my selfishness but I can’t do anything about how I felt at the time. I’m sure I had valid feelings at the time. Life is such a gamble we just need to learn to be happy. Wishing you happiness and peace at your journey too x

@Sunshinemum12 that is exactly right, let's write it again here for everyone to see!

".....only have another child if you want another child, not a sibling for your current child".

Hello! How's everyone doing? Is anyone else still struggling to decide? I'm still kind of sitting on the fence, although if I'm really honest with myself I think I do really want another one. It's just such a scary thought!

DH has always been one and done, and we have spent the last 4-ish months talking about it (lots of crying from me too. I didn't realise how much this meant to me!) and I think we may be getting somewhere. The last thing I would want to do is pressure him to have a kid if he doesn't want one, but I think we may be able to compromise. I'm quietly hopeful but we're definitely not there yet, so anything can happen. I'm going to give it another couple of months and see where we then are before deciding on anything.

I will say one thing though. I wish I had spoken to DH about this sooner because having these really open, honest conversations has really surprised me. He's been really supportive and genuinely wants to find a solution that works for us both. I'm so impressed by him, and even if he does say no in the end I will not forget how good he has been about it. Note to self: don't bottle it all up, and talk about stuff more!

@BabyPotato that's so good to hear you have been able to talk openly about things

I'm in the same boat and having same conversations with my hubby. Although I was convinced I was one and done a few weeks so - but then I'm pulled back into being undecided.

@mumma90 It's so frustrating isn't it? I keep going from being desperate for another one to getting cold feet. Why is this so difficult?! How does your DH feel about it all?

Just so it happens after I wrote my last post my DH has come to me and said he will have another one with me if that is what I want. But he said we will have to buy a new house and get our lives sorted first. I did think he might say yes eventually because he knows this is important to me, but I'm still surprised. And obviously terrified. Looks like I have to find a new house then...

@BabyPotato sounds like your DH has come around to the idea 😊

I think making a decision is so difficult because we know it goes fast but also its very exhausting at the same time 🤷🏻‍♀️
And when you get a bit of me time back when your little one starts to sleep through - you think "am I mad to go back to the start?"

Anyway I've not made a firm decision yet to stick with one but time is against me at 42 so will have to decide in the next week (!!) or month or so...

My DH says having another might put us back financially and he doesn't want to go back to sleepless nights again - but that he was up in the night breastfeeding!! - but in the other hand isn't totally against it.

Anyway convinced their other half otherwise ? Anyway shall see how we go in next few weeks 😊

Hi everyone, I posted a while back and we were undecided (partner more so than me). Well I'm now pregnant, 11 weeks and awaiting the first scan. I'm 39 so I am nervous and I think until the scan and we know all is ok it will be hard to relax and enjoy the pregnancy. Why didn't I start having kids 10 years ago!! 🙈
I hope you all get what it is you want and have supporting partners to help make that decision.

Good luck with everything @ShiningStarz hope all is going well

I want another one. You're right though, life with one is so easy. Mine’s 6 now and time with her is just a dream. We have a laugh and I have time to do lots of things with her.

Still, I want another baby and so does my husband, so does our daughter.

I don’t want to have to give up work, which I probably would at least for a bit.

We're trying for another because it's like you say, I feel I'd regret not having my second child. I want them.

Life with a newborn for me was relatively easy, I did not work and devoted all my time just to the baby and responding to her needs. I wasn't sleep deprived or stressed. And this time I'd have a lot more help and be in a much better position.

I'm leaving it up to the universe.

Thanks you @MrsTumbletap almost 19 weeks now.

@latriciamcneal I hope everything works out for you. It's lovely having 1 and for that 1 little person to be the centre of your world. However I look forward to having 2. I look forward to the newborn stage again!!