Im driving myself crazy trying to decide

[Mrstumbletap]

I can't decide whether to stay with one, or try for another I'm 34 I can't spend forever deciding. I'm thinking about it more and more frequently and it's driving me crazy as I need to make a decision!

Pros of one child
Life is easy with one
Get my own time (DH does too)
Have time for my career
More comfortable with money
Give all my time to DS
Not close to my sibling, so don't feel sibling guilt

Cons
Child misses out on close relationship/socialising
Caring for elderly parent/s alone - burden
Quiet Christmas
The saying "you regret what you didn't do, not what you did do" keeps looping around and around in my head.
Tiredness of a newborn

How, how, how can you make the decision of sticking with one or doing it all again?! It seems impossible

@Roserposer I feel you! Totally the same boat but I haven't even tried to have another,
My DD is 2.5. I had her when I was 38. I wonder if I should have another but it may be too late although we haven't tried.
Do you have play dates or before Covid - had play dates with friends? Think about that ...you could also be the Mum who hosts the sleepovers as you will have the most energy and time probably
Mums I've met who have two or more always seem knackered - but why don't we all.
I'm still on the fence but the gate might be closed for me now.

Keep smiling you're an awesome mum

Thank you @mumma90. I know the feeling of readiness even though the time was ticking I didn’t feel ready either. I know a few older mums like me they tried as soon as they got their periods back. I think early years so tiring. I was only able to manage my full time job with one child so I don’t think i felt ready to have another one until she was well over 2. Mine was mainly due to career reasons as I started my career a bit late but I always worked hard and had a good income. I was financial ok, but I wanted to carry on doing well after had my lg. I naively thought people have kids until 45 but it seems like I’m already experiencing peri menopause symptoms I don’t think we will have another one. My husband is dead against it as he thinks we are too old.
Yes, we did lots of play dates and after school park visits with friends but due to COVID can’t do much but my daughter seems to get used to the idea of not seeing anyone now as she struggled at the beginning but they adjust to things much easier than us. Yes, I go extra mile to make sure she does lots of activities and sees her friends. My husband complains why everyone always come to our house🤣

@Roserposer.. sorry to hear you had a mc.
As @mumma90 says you're an awesome mum and def no less of one due to having only one..
I'm really lucky that DS has lots of friends who are neighbours so doesn't feel he's missing out. He hasn't had a sleep over yet though. I'm really tired and I've just got him and before Covid when his friends came round I hated it as we've only got a tiny house and they went mental!! That on its own shows me that 2 or more would finish me!!
The thing that really bothers me is the issue of us being older parents and him having to cope alone but if he's anything like my brother he'll be off doing his own thing. My brother leaves all the care of my ageing dad to me. He may as well not exist. But I don't want to be a burden like that to DS.
There are worries about the future how ever many you have I guess.
Wishing you all the best x

@mumma90 and @BooseysMom thank you for your comments.
Most of my friends have 2-3 kids and they all look tired and fed up. Recently I talked two friends who had their seconds but they wish they didn’t actually as they thought their life before they had the second was more manageable. They both said it on the same day which made me appreciate what I have but I still have up and downs. One of the mum actually had IVF in order to have her second one but she said he is here I can’t do anything now, but in all honesty the second one didn’t give her any different feelings than the first one. The society also pressurise us needing to have more children which in some degree is my case as well. She now have the second one but her life is more complicated in terms of managing childcare and trying to be on the top of things. This was really eye opener for me. My other friend also went holiday with her two kids, the older one was playing with the other kids while they were running after the little one. She and her husband said if they only had one child, they would had more time themselves and enjoy their holidays. She also got an aupair to manage the child care cost for two. She has not managed to progress in her career and also feel like her life is all around kids and have no time for their relationship as a result their relationship suffered. She pointed that I should be glad I only have one as I have a good career, more time to myself and peaceful family life. We always I feel like I have easy life indeed and I am able focus on my job as well as my family. My daughter gets all my attention and I can spoil her and she will be financially better off. Yes, we did a lot of play dates and signed up my daughter to lots of activities, she is very social and happy girl. I just feel sorry when she talks about her imaginary siblings but I guess they all play imaginary games regardless they have siblings or not but hard not to feel emotional.
Yes in terms of ageing parents, that usually falls to the one person for various reasons. I think it is difficult to predict future. I wish we stop worrying enjoy the moment. This is when mindfulness comes in handy. All the best too x

@Roserposer thank you for posting this. I got asked quite recently "oh when you having another...you should hurry up you don't want a big age gap". It's like so pre conceived that we all must have another! Get another one NOW!!!

For me... the pros of having one are career, relationship with DH, time as a couple... finance ...DD having private education...

@mumma90 they were the reasons why we didn’t rush to try second as quick as most of my friends. I was quite happy with my choice and let everyone else decide their family size. I had friends pressurised me having another one but I was enjoying me time and also focusing my career. I thought when the right time comes I will have another one. I think I mentioned that we tried for a second but unfortunately ended up in miscarriage. We didn’t try after that as I don’t know whether I wanted another one at that time either. A year later we tried but I never fell pregnant. Maybe we were meant to be triangle family. I also spoke to my sister today. She had her second one after 9 years due to secondary infertility, she also adviced me that I should enjoy my beautiful life and don’t ever dare to have a second one🤣 my other sister has 3 kids and she told me one of the happiest friends she has are the ones single child mums. I am definitely coming to terms with my decision of having one and done. Good to know you can also see the benefits. I think our children will thrive and be happy individuals x

@Roserposer interested to hear you story mine Is similar and I suspect we will remain a family of 3 although we are still trying. If it did happen we would have a very large age gap so I would be interested to hear why your sister who had her second with a big age gap says you should stick with one?

@afmissing my sister gave up having the second one and was planning to do other things and then she got pregnant unexpectedly. I think she wanted to have the second one for her son as she only decided to have second one as her son wanted a sibling when he was around 4-5 I think, but they now argue all the time and have different needs she just feels torn apart and not able to satisfy their needs. It is really hard I guess that’s why we didn’t rush even though the time was ticking. In my case it is a bit late now. I’m 42 and my husband is not keen having another one as he likes things tidy and doesn’t like chaos. It suits him better not having another one. For me I’m not sure what I wanted never really have a thought about how many kids I wanted but I knew my limit was maximum 2. As I don’t like chaos either. I also worked as a nanny for years I was done looking after kids. I wanted to have kids as soon as we married. After I had my daughter, I don’t think I was in a rush to have another one but thought it will be nice to have one some point. Since I only started my proper career after many years of nannying I was enjoying my job I wanted so long and finally made after many months of searching for job. I thought I had a good balance of career and having one child. We then tried second, fell pregnant but pregnancy was not viable we then didn’t try again as my husband didn’t want us to go through turmoil of miscarriage. Once I was ready again we tried but never fell pregnant. I think I’m in peri menopause anyways. I sometimes feel like if I was younger probably it would have been different but looking at families with multiple kids they also have issues such as money or their marriage suffer as their husband walk out on them as they could not deal with another child or children have issues. We just have to be happy with what we have x

@Lndnmummy thank you so much for your honest response. I'm glad you have found your inner calm now, that is worth so much.

@Sunshinemum12 we have decided to be a family of three.

We got a dog and it seemed to fill a hole in me that has made me feel more complete. With an 8 week old puppy that cries in the night to go out for a wee took me right back to the sleepiness newborn night and made me think "oh my gosh I don't think I could do this again".

I am very lucky though in that I don't feel the guilt of no siblings, as my own sibling relationship isn't great, (I barely talk to my sister, no animosity, just no relationship there at all really, never has been) my best friend is an only and she is lovely, and my favourite aunt and cousin are also onlies and they are lovely people. So the myth that you need a sibling or you will be selfish etc I know is utter tosh.

I am also very lucky in that my son has never asked for a sibling, lots of mums have children asking for siblings and that must pull at the heart strings.

One conversation I had the other day with a friend that has just had her third child made me think something. She was explaining her routine of getting all the kids to bed, her husband puts the oldest down while she feeds the baby, then she goes to the second one and he settles the baby. I said "so you never get a night off the bedtime routine?" She laughed and said "no night off here!" And she will have that routine for years!

Ever since getting the dog I haven't thought once about having a baby, that has really helped. Not the solution for everyone I appreciate!

I love how calm our house is, our son is such a happy lovely, caring boy and I get to give him all my love and attention and I love that. It's a balance I can do well.

Can I join you ladies? Its 4am here in the US and I have spent the last hour reading through this post. I am going through such a similar situation- would love to talk with someone who can actually understand it. I am 40 with a 9 year old. I desperately want another one (or so I think) whereas DH is and always has been opposed to it. I keep going back and forth on this- cruelly I also became pregnant last year and had a miscarriage. DD has never asked for another but I have always felt like so many only children she gives us the answers we want to hear. Am I crazy about wanting another one?

@MrsTumbletap Nice to hear you've reached a decision. Also pleased about the puppy! I've recently found this section of the board and I'm frantically trying to decide whether to go for a second one or not, and I have always thought that if I decide against a baby that I would get a puppy or a kitten. It would be the perfect solution for me too... Just need to sort my allergies out! Thanks for the thread - it has been an enlightening read.

@P24VP I don't think you're crazy for wanting another one, but it's not an easy decision is it? Have you discussed it with your DH recently?

I'm going to continue reading this board because I'm in such a state about this. I was always convinced my child would be an only, and my husband and I had an agreement that we would only have the one. HOWEVER, my child is about to turn four and in the last year or so I've gone from "no way!" to "I wouldn't mind another one" to "I really really want one!" to "would it ruin everything if we did have another baby?" The thought of another child is so so exciting but incredibly scary too, and I don't know what to think. Also it really doesn't help that DH doesn't want any more, but the urge is so strong and I'm stuck.

@P24VP welcome😀 I understand how you feel. I think once they get older and become easier the urge for wanting to have another one goes up. I also think after 40 I felt more maternal somehow. I guess my daughter was asking fir a sibling which didn’t help. My husband doesn’t want to have another one, he says we are too old. He also thinks our life is better as a family of 3. I have started doing things I could do without feeling guilty about leaving the the little one behind. I hardly went out day time when my daughter was younger as I felt guilty leaving her behind. She is 5 now, she doesn’t mind me going out and get upset. I see my friends with multiple kids, when I ask them to do things they can’t as either younger sleeps or have tantrums. My daughter gets all my love and attention and we can do anything she asks for. Sometimes she wishes she has someone to play with but we also play together and do things such as baking/art and see friends if we can as Covid makes it harder. Due to my age I accepted being family of 3, and started feeling happy about it.

@BabyPotato if the age is not a concern, maybe give yourself time. I think 5-6 year gap is a nice gap as the older one will be independent enough to do on his own while you can care for the baby. I know the feeling as I didn’t rush to have a second one like my friends did but I was also thinking of my career as I was still enjoying my job. When you have more than one child it is really hard to work. I guess there is always something. Wishing you both good luck!

This post has been great just to know you're not alone about the dilemma of having another. I'm 40 now and I think I might be too late to have another. I don't know anyone who has had a baby post say 42....I might think difficult if I did.

I'm so enjoying being a mum to my DD, 2 years that I'm just divided on having another I just love our time together. I'm a SAHM but work just two mornings a week - just a few hours.....

I worked hard at my career and feel lucky they are supportive to allow me just to work a few hours a week.....

I meet quite a few - pre Covid- people who have decided to have just one ...but then started thinking about having another when the child is around 2.

I've been on the fence about it for a while. I know I have to get on with it if we decide to...

Oh it's just so hard.

@Mrstumbletap thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I'm so happy for you that you were able to come to a decision that was best for you and your family, a dog sounds like the perfect addition! I agree with what you say about siblings, my brother and I are not close and I'm the main carer for my elderly parents so having thought it over in my mind a lot, I don't believe adding a sibling for the sake of the other child is the way to go. Many people have said to me only have another child if you want another child, not a sibling for your current child. Sadly I think our society is programmed to expect people to live out their lives in a certain way and when we don't conform we feel like we are doing the wrong thing, when in fact it's quite the opposite, because we are doing the right thing for us. I struggle with the decision because although at times I feel I'd like another, I'm aware of the fact we have no extended family here and my husband normally works away a lot, I have to be honest with myself and ask, could I raise two kids on my own? Probably....but would I be a happy mum or a constantly stressed mum....??!! I'm thinking the latter......and surely a happy life is better than a stressful one!!! Anyway, sorry I'm rambling now but thank you again for letting us know your decision, delighted for you. Wishing you all the very best x

@Sunshinemum12 I second those thoughts!
A happy life and not a stressed, knackered Mum is far better 😊

@BabyPotato and @Roserposer. Thanks for replying. Yes DH has always been against it but has been supporting my ttc efforts for the last 3 years. I would love to try IVF but don’t know if I should make him go through that. Seems it’s not meant to be but as long as that option is on the table my mind doesn’t rest and it’s continues to be a thorn in my side. The other thing is my DD is now almost 10. Is it even worth it at this point? We have no immediate family around us. DD has friends but no cousins only us. I so wish I had been trying like this 7 years ago instead of now.

Grr, three times I came here to post a long message but it always disappeared. Now I'm armed with my laptop and feeling strong! Haha.

Thank you @Roserposer. I think you're right about work. I struggled with work and nursery runs with just one child, and I can imagine having two (in different schools) would make it so much more difficult, esp. without a car!

Unfortunately time is not really on my side here because I'm almost 36 and feel that if we were to have another one we should get on with it. It's so difficult when my husband is not really on board with this, so I feel a bit trapped here. I guess we will just have to keep talking because this thing is not going to go away on its own.

@mumma90 I'm the same. I could totally continue being a SAHM for years to come. I haven't been working very much since the pandemic started (WFH on some projects), so I have mostly looked after our child. It has been so wonderful that I just want to do it forever.

@mumma90 yes I think it is difficult to have a baby after 42. I would say 40 is hit and miss. I know lots of people had kids at 40, I fell pregnant easily at 40 but miscarried at week 12, I guess my eggs were not good quality and it was not meant to be. I had no desire to have a baby before that. What can I do, it is what it is! My daughter loves having all the attention and we are super close, I love it in that sense as I was not very close to my mum and I am still not as there were too many of us. If I could I would love to have another one as my pregnancy was very easy and she was a good baby when she was little only when they are getting older they are hard work but I know after 40 looking after toddler will be very though and my husband is not too keen on children in general. Everything leans on me and I do work full time ( this is my choice as I enjoy working) I found it hard to balance family life and work. I guess you can do both with one child but with two kids your kids, family and marriage suffers. I know from the families around me. One of my friend who had two kids one after the other, now complains all her life is around kids they get no time as a couple as a result they are having problems as a couple, we don’t have that problem as we have a good balance. I go out for a run, my husband dies his exercise while enjoying our life as a family. I started seeing silver linings rather than getting upset about something I don’t have! This really really helps me.
@Mrstumbletap I thought you decided to try number 2, you surprised me. I guess you realised you have a good balance why would you spoil it? I’m happy you have decided at least as not being able to decide plays trick on your mind.
@BabyPotato 36 is not old. I had my daughter at 37, you have plenty of time. If you are planning to SAHM, you should be ok. I had to go into office 4 days a week which was hard as running to nursery for pick up and drop offs was stressful. I then started work 2 days a week from home it made such a difference!
@Sunshinemum12 how old is your little one? I agree with what you are saying. I only started the feeling of wanting more kids once people started questioning me and also seeing everyone else having second ones made me question my choice. I hope you reach a decision as well.
@P24VP if your heart wants another one go for it but be prepared that it will be hard. My sister has 11 and nearly 20 months old she says hard work, I guess pandemic is not helping either.

@Roserposer: yes I work a full time job too but this time around would have no problem chucking it all in case a second one comes along. May I ask, if it’s not too personal does your sister regret having 2 far apart? Or is it logistics of the age gap?

@P24VP in fact, my three sisters all have 9-10 years age gap between their kids as they had their kids at young age while they were trying to sort themselves out financially. One of them faced infertility when she was ready to have another one but took her years to fall pregnant hence there is a bigger gap. I think my sister accepted having a family of 3, her life was simple. She fell pregnant unexpectedly. She doesn’t regret it but advised me not to have second one which I found surprising as she has struggled for years to have her second one. I guess once they are here, the reality hits and struggle starts. These days are only short, once they older, I’m sure she will be glad!

@Roserposer thanks for sharing. I am glad you have found peace with your family. I wish I find it too. My DD is an introvert (and I was the same at her age). With no family closeby I worry about her so much.

@P24VP it took me a while to accept it, I had my days crying and feeling desperate. The time helps. If you think you are ready to have another one, I will say go for it. My husband is not keen on second one so that also helped me with coming to peace as it was not only my decision but I needed to accept his decision as we are in it together as a family. Hope you can make your decision soon. Whatever it is I’m sure you will be fine. I think in life we always look what’s next. We feel like we need to do something else to do. Maybe you are feeling like that now. I certainly did. X

Hi everyone,
I am not far off turning 39 and I have a 5 month old sleeping on me at the moment. I promise to read everyone's comments when she's properly asleep later.

I tried for a long time with my ex, even had 4 rounds of ivf and multiple embryo transfers, it never happened and due to stresses of that and probably our relationship never being solid we split. Fast forward 3 years I met my new partner and after a year together we talked about kids, I was so sure I couldn't conceive but we decided to come off the pill and give it a shot, we got pregnant pretty quick! Much to my disbelief and I'm now holding the most beautiful little girl. My partner is 44.

I'm not deliberating having a 2nd child, I know it would be solely for dd1, for company, for lifelong friendship.
I'm a carer to my parents and it's tough and I'm lucky I have a sibling to help support my ageing parents.
I'd be worried having another at my age of over 40 if we did try and were lucky. My partner has decided no!!! Is he right?!! Am I being silly?!! So confused 🤷‍♀️

@ShiningStarz I think you are not crazy. My DH is 44 too now and he thinks he is too old as well. I just turned 40 and feel we can still make it work. However I understand his concerns: having an old father picking up a kindergartener doesn’t sound appealing. I feel like you that I want another one. It’s a difficult situation. My DH and I have decided one thing though: we plan to not be a burden to our kids in old ages- plan something so that we can be in a care home and have minimum expectations from our kid/s. One or two.