Im driving myself crazy trying to decide

[Mrstumbletap]

I can't decide whether to stay with one, or try for another I'm 34 I can't spend forever deciding. I'm thinking about it more and more frequently and it's driving me crazy as I need to make a decision!

Pros of one child
Life is easy with one
Get my own time (DH does too)
Have time for my career
More comfortable with money
Give all my time to DS
Not close to my sibling, so don't feel sibling guilt

Cons
Child misses out on close relationship/socialising
Caring for elderly parent/s alone - burden
Quiet Christmas
The saying "you regret what you didn't do, not what you did do" keeps looping around and around in my head.
Tiredness of a newborn

How, how, how can you make the decision of sticking with one or doing it all again?! It seems impossible

Yes, yes and yes!! All what you say i echoe. We have no family support locally either and being older does take it out of you. I really resent other mums locally who seem to have grandparents on tap to support. I think you're brave to give yourself a deadline and then decide..i wish i could be so strict with myself as it's really my fault we left it so late to start trying for DS. I was never sure i wanted any and now i think i've def left it too long for DC2. Being 45 is awful ..having the menopause just round the corner and every month i swear AF and my mood swings are getting harder to deal with. One month i flipped at DS for no reason and chucked his half eaten ice cream in the bin!! ..and that was a relatively easy AF starting! I think if i could only have another DC i'd be free of the dreaded AF for 9 months. The doctor who told me they'd get easier after having a baby was a blatant liar or just didn't know what he was on about! I know i'm ovulating ..have all the symptoms. .but not if my eggs are viable. How would you find out? ? I think if its any consolation the worry about if they were disabled is small. Maybe i was just v lucky but with DS my blood test result was low risk. . 80 something... And i was 41 when i had him. Maybe it helps it if you're fit, not overweight, don't drink much, etc. I never took vits anyway!
Anyway thanks for the post and Good luck with whatever you decide ..keep us posted.
Xxx

Bump upthread?? .. last msg for Fortunate. ..

I have agonised over this question for nearly 5 years, same reasoning as you. I just kept putting it off and now I think the delay has made the decision for us.

To be honest I struggle with 1 as he's quite demanding so I have never really hit the period where I felt I could cope with 2. I do however get a lump in my throat watching siblings play together knowing I haven't given that to DS.

Hi booseysmum
Sorry to hijack thread but it's nice to know there are others out there whose clock is ticking and feeling the same. I do feel that if I had my time again I would have tried for ds earlier than 34/35 as it would have given me more time to think about a second! Career takes a massive hit anyway no matter when you have kids so that shouldn't be a factor!

I asked ds today if he would like a brother or sister and he said no because his friends at nursery who had brothers/sisters said they pinched them! Lol!

Xx

Should also add that I'm an only child. Had a v happy childhood... don't recall feeling lonely and v close to parents. I have felt a bit lonely later in life but I think that's because parents are far away and I've moved around lots so not kept close friends and always had to start afresh!

Anyway ds is v sociable and gregarious and I gave absolutely no concern that if we do stick with just him he will be absolutely fine. I do recognise I will need to make more of an effort with his little friends and invite them around for play dates than if he had a sibling close in age but that's fine

Hi Fortunate. .don't worry you didn't hijack! It wasn't even my thread originally! Just so many of us out there feeling the same. I suppose i never thought i'd be on the one child families page. We didn't start ttc until i was 38 as we were in a pretty insecure situation for years and its amazing we stayed together. I never really had a proper career so that didn't matter. I'm an only too and never missed a sibling but i grew up on a farm and dogs were my best friends! ..Although we don't have any now and even that worries me as DS just has me and DH as his best friends. What you say about the importance of them having friends around is a good point. And you asking your ds if he would like a brother or sister to play with is exactly what I've asked! ...Love the reply he gave you. When we were at my friend's and she had her baby there, he couldn't have been less interested! I asked the question you asked and he replied "No i don't want one of those!!" I say why not and he says "cos he'll break all my toys "!
God love 'em!!
Xx

Hi booseysmom

I wonder if our own happy experiences as only children is affecting our reluctance to have another?

if we don't have another we will prob get a dog!

No time for serious life changing discussions yesterday as had friends around for a BBQ.. so nice to have a sunny bank holiday weekend! But I plan to have "The conversation"with dh this weekend to try and work out what he wants and hopefully that will help me. I understand he is happy with one but I need to find out how he really feels about a second.

We have one and love it. Dh is an only and loved it so only ever wanted one. We love how ds just fits so neatly into our life. Life isn't just about crowd control, we have fun all together and can do so much more with just 1. Having a 2:1 ratio has meant it has been easy to take him anywhere with us. We are a really close unit. Dh's and my relationship is also really strong as life is easy and we can give each other so much time. Other people are often more likely to offer to look after 1 then 2, we always have offers. We have the time and finances to concentrate on him and his interests. Compared to people's houses of multiples our house feels so much calmer.
To say you will give them a life long friend and they will never be alone is a daft reason to have another child. You never know how they will get on. They may hate each other and never see each other again once they reach adulthood. You have no guarantees.
We decided to go for a dog instead. He is best mates with our son they even play on the climbing frame together. Dog scrambles up the climbing wall after ds then throws himself down the slide and jumps in his trailer of his tractor for rides around the garden.

Nice to hear Florin. How old is your ds?

He is 5 and I have no yearning for another. My friend bought her child over who is 2 the other day and it made me realise I just don't want to go back to that. Another friend has also recently had a baby and not one bit of me was at all interested in having a newborn. Our ds is now at the age he doesn't need special equipment like pushchair or highchair, he can occupy himself and get himself a drink etc. We can take him out to really nice even Michelin star restaurants and he will behave beautifully and doesn't need a children's menu. Life is pretty easy compared to my friends with more children. Don't get me wrong he is no angel child he certainly has his moments but even if he has one of 'those' days it is so much easier to manage with 2 of you as worst case you can tag team it giving each other a break. The other thing I like is not having to worry about keeping things fair which was always an issue when I was growing up and something I think is impossible to get right. I also love being able to buy him things without having to buy something for another for the sake of it. Whether it's a small toy for being extra good or a magazine to keep him busy or a cute t shirt that's in the sale that I know he would love. He isn't spoilt but I love not having to worry about it. On one side of the family he is the only grandchild too and he revels in it and enjoys being spoilt by them (think miniature solid silver antique dome has been purchased to serve his meals under as he likes the du dah!)
I also like that he is not dragged round older activities for older siblings that aren't suitable for him or equally missing out on experiences that younger siblings can't do. For example he has been able to ride a 2 wheeled bike without stabilizers since he turned 4 and he loves it. We go on great family bike rides which we all love, he has real stamina so can go for 10 miles and still beg for more and no dragging younger siblings along. I adore taking him up to London just him and me and I just let him pick what he wants to do, there is no need to compromise. If he wants to do a particular part of a museum very slowly or twice we do it, it is so easy. We are incredibly close, he is my little side kick. He hasn't missed out on the social side either and is a social butterfly happily making friends wherever he is.

Hi Florin. .Wow! There is nothing i could say which could describe more perfectly the pros of one child! So brilliantly put..i will have to read it to dh as he is taking some convincing atm and keeps getting angry at me going on about it! You describe your relationship with your ds perfectly. .your "little side-kick" ..i love it! I feel exactly the same about my ds who's 4 in Nov. Yes, it wouldn't be the same having to drag round a baby with us and he's def not having one of those he says!!
He has just taken off with his new bike with stabilisers and loves it. It won't be long before the stabilisers can come off. I've asked him if he'd like a dog and he says "no cos they poo everywhere"!! He wants a guineapig. I thought a dog would make a great best friend for him as with your ds. I had dogs as best friends when i was growing up and when my mum asked kids my age round to play i would leave them on their own and go off with my dogs! A little sod i was!!
So after all that i really don't think i am longing for another. Things are much easier now and to go back to all that stress again with another baby at age 45 would be no walk in the park!
Xx

Another thing that's just come to me ...I always feel that i'd give anything to turn back the clock to the year of my pregnancy and even the birth (which wasn't easy by any means) and beyond They were the best years of my whole life and when i ask friends who have just had a second they all say that it's totally different to your first as you're so busy and stressed trying to deal with a newborn as well as your first. And i realise to those out there with more than one it sounds bloody pathetic! But being that much older would def have a big impact and the stress levels would go through the roof. So really to just re-live those early months and years. .me and my baby ...would be amazing
Xx

I didn't decide, I fell pregnant with DD2 accidentally while on the pill and BF-ing around the clock. I'm not sure I'd ever have made the decision to have number 2 (DD1 was/is an awful, awful sleeper).
However... I'm so glad the decision was taken out of my hands. I won't deny the first 6 months were horrific. But it passed. They're 3 and 2 now and such good friends, they entertain each other, my mum has had them for the day today while we had a day out together, they're fun and lovely.

And now i have two little side kicks

The 'little side kick' hits home with me too, my DS is so easy and I can actually have so much fun with him on a day out. I don't think anyone would say having a 6 month old or a 1year old is fun, or would they?! I think you just manage and get on with it, but they can't talk to you or tell you about their funny stories etc they don't have a little character yet.

I wish I could give birth to a 2 year old.......

Ouch !

Did you decide mrs tumbletap?

Sorry to resurrect old thread.. did you decide?
Am in this situation myself ...

Ds was an easy baby and then toddler and then school going child. Life was great. Couldn't decide if we wanted another.

He was nearly 8 when I found out I was pregnant. When the bfp appeared I realised how much I wanted it despite never having made a decision.

Ds2 is 10 months today. A great baby but the most fantastic addition to our family. Logistically it's a bit tougher but well worth it.

Fortunatepiggy1 I think and we are going to try for another.

Ahhhh just typing those words scares me!

But had an honest chat with DH yesterday and said everything. Basically I hate the baby stage I really get no enjoyment out of it, the ruined** body, the tiredness, the relentlessness, feeling I'm not good at this. He came up with some practical solutions like:

•To put the baby into nursery 1 day/morning once a week, so I get to recharge. We are a bit better off financially now so £160 a month to save my sanity will help.

•Formula without the guilt if needs be.

•Go to bed as soon as DH gets home or 7pm ish and sleep, so the night feeds aren't such a killer.

•Dont feel like I have to get dinner on the table for when he gets in and stop trying to be a stepford wife with a hot dinner and clean house, chill out and try to enjoy it more.

Practical things like that actually make me feel so much better, for me it's about management and just getting through the first year/18 months. The toddler bit I love, from potty training onwards I'm sorted and love it. But that first bit aaaahhhh no no no!

What are your pros and cons? What are your fears? Maybe we can help each other.

Mrstumbletap I remember a friend saying to me that going from 1 to 2 kids is much easier than going from none to 1. And it turned out to be true. Every stage, however tedious, you know it will pass. When your first child is born, you think you'll never sleep ever again, but with your second you know that the newborn stage will pass. My DD is now one, and I am very happy that she is no longer a tiny baby, but we have new challenges! She has her own personality and is my little sunbeam. Also I was a lot less anxious and worried 2nd time round. So I enjoyed it much more! You've had the first one as a practice, you'll be fine 2nd time round!
Also, on a practical note, do you work? And if so do you get childcare vouchers? If so, you will continue to get paid these whilst on maternity leave. This was a game changer for us and meant we could have DS (3) in nursery several days per week which was paid for mostly by the childcare vouchers. (A company is not allowed to remove a benefit from you whilst you are on maternity leave). You will also get the extra hours free childcare when your child is 3. (Or they can go to preschool for free the year before they go to school, usually 3 hours per day)
Good luck!

Yes I work, yes I get childcare vouchers! What is this rule? I need to know more!

So I could 'up' my childcare vouchers to £160 a month to cover a nursery fee? But that would come out of the maternity pay? I get rubbish maternity pay so after 2 months I'm on statutory. Can't even remember how much that is £130 a week?

This is what happened at my company: for the first few months mat leave I got paid a salary, and the childcare vouchers came out of that salary. After that, I was on statutory maternity pay, yes something like £130 per week. But the company paid the childcare vouchers direct to the nursery so I still received that benefit. Check with your HR dept to see if this is the case with your work. It makes a big difference when you have child no 2!

The childcare vouchers was in addition to the maternity pay, that's what I meant!

I have honestly not felt ready to try before now. I'm still not 100 percent sure it's the right decision and it may already be too late ( I'm 41) but I think if I don't I will always regret it ( and I have been thinking about it every couple of days for the last few years!)

Will speak to DH and see what he thinks. He is used to me changing and unchanging my mind and as time has gone on has become less and less keen I fear!

Also going to read the only child book by Susan Lambourn and see if that helps me

Had a sudden realisation that I had made the decision but not making the decision ( as one previous poster put it) on the weekend and felt very sad about it ...