Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Im driving myself crazy trying to decide

175 replies

Mrstumbletap · 17/08/2017 21:43

I can't decide whether to stay with one, or try for another I'm 34 I can't spend forever deciding. I'm thinking about it more and more frequently and it's driving me crazy as I need to make a decision!

Pros of one child
Life is easy with one
Get my own time (DH does too)
Have time for my career
More comfortable with money
Give all my time to DS
Not close to my sibling, so don't feel sibling guilt

Cons
Child misses out on close relationship/socialising
Caring for elderly parent/s alone - burden
Quiet Christmas
The saying "you regret what you didn't do, not what you did do" keeps looping around and around in my head.
Tiredness of a newborn

How, how, how can you make the decision of sticking with one or doing it all again?! It seems impossible

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

fortunatepiggy1 · 24/02/2018 12:56

Hi tumbletap no I was fine with ds. I really wanted it but I suppose now I know how hard it is!!

Usedaname01 · 25/02/2018 15:21

Going through the exact same situation only my DH has decided he wants a second child, I'm still not sure. I have a 3 soon to be 4 year old DD, I'm 27 So I have the time but If I am going to have another child I wouldn't want them to have too much of a drastic age gap. I was set on just having one for a long time but since a friend of mine had her first a couple months ago I kind of miss having a baby around. Especially with my DD starting school in September. but I do like that we can focus on her and her needs

Incywincyteenyweeny · 01/03/2018 17:03

Used I feel similarly. I have 1 ds who is 2.6 and keep thinking I’m going to go for it and ttc. Then chicken out. I am scared of childbirth aswell after ds1 which is another issue.
But, like you I don’t want the gap getting to Big If I do have a second and feel as if I’m going to have dc2 I need to get on with it or make my mind up that I won’t!

FaFoutis · 01/03/2018 17:09

Without any prompting my 13 year old told me today that he hated it when his brother (age 11) was sad and that he would always look after him. It made me very pleased I didn't stop at one child.

Incywincyteenyweeny · 01/03/2018 17:14

Fafoutis that is adorable. I hope my ds is so lovely when he is 13.

FaFoutis · 01/03/2018 17:23

Thanks Incy, they sometimes forget they are 13 and 11 and instinctively hold hands when walking along together. They are lovely boys and always there for each other.
I nearly didn't have any more children after the first one, for the same reasons in the OP's pro & con list. I drank half a bottle to Bailey's to get my courage up to conceive son number 2.

fortunatepiggy1 · 03/03/2018 09:45

That's very cute fafoutis

Greg1108 · 12/03/2018 13:02

In my opinion several children better than only one. Maybe life with one easier but it's also boring. Take it easy and try for another child

Fustyoldcarcass · 15/03/2018 09:54

I'm going through the same thing. What is holding me back more than anything is the expense of having another, and the fact that it impacted my career the first time around too.

To have another child I would need to find another 1k a month for childcare and I can't foresee either OH or myself getting a 12k payrise anytime soon! And we certainly can't make any 'cut backs' like people always suggest. We certainly don't eat out every night of the week and only run one car.

I guess that alone decides it for us! I fear this will be the one thing that I will always look back on with sadness, but I do appreciate that I have one child already and am lucky to have him.

I would say if you can afford it, have another if you are considering it. The tired, crazy stages aren't permanent and you will get through the newborn stage as you did before.

happyguineapig · 16/03/2018 19:40

Fusty if have time to wait you might have more money in the future and can then go for it

I've run out of time I think but I still can't stop thinking about it every day! Part of me thinks I should just be happy with our small but perfectly formed family and move on but another part thinks what if we just try and see what happens...

Original poster

Mrstumbletap · 16/03/2018 22:06

I still don't know. ☹️

OP posts:

happyguineapig · 19/03/2018 09:56

Original poster

Mrstumbletap · 07/04/2018 22:17

Happyguineapig are you any further along with your decision? I think we are going to wait a couple of months* and then go for* it.

Had my brother and SIL and children down to stay over easter and watching DS playing with his cousins made me think I do want another.

Talked about it again with DH (he is very patient with my constant back and forthing) and he said he would be a little bit sad if he had the snip (what we always said he would do down the line) and it was definitely off the cards.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mrstumbletap · 07/04/2018 22:18

Those bold bits are very weird and were not bold when I wrote it, stupid phone!

OP posts:

egdehsdrawkcab · 07/04/2018 22:28

How old is your DS now/what oils age gap be? That would matter a lot to me if I were having your thoughts?

Going from 1-2 is hard, but not as hard from 0-1. Go for it. Your kids will both thank you for it! It's fucking exhausting and there are days I wish I hadn't had any at all, but when DD (aged 2) looked at her DB this morning and announced, 'I love my brother', that's priceless.

happyguineapig · 08/04/2018 17:35

Hi tumbletap no still not decided although I think it's really too late now. I am 41 and ds is 5.5. Part of me wants to just wants to try and see what happens to try and take this decision out of my hands as it's getting me down thinking about it everyday but then I worry about m/c...

theobear · 29/04/2018 16:56

Has anyone else come to a decision yet? My son is now 20 months old and I'm conscious that I was just two months older than he is now when my sibling was born. I can't face doing it again yet but wonder if I ever will.

fortunatepiggy1 · 30/04/2018 11:22

No decision here... sadly!

Lndnmummy · 30/04/2018 19:41

There might never be the right answer. I dithered for years. Now 30 weeks pregnant with number 3, I will be 40 next week and ds is 6. Is it right for us? Time will tell, I’m somewhat banking on the “you will never regret your children” sentiment as I have spent most of this pregnancy in therapy coming to terms about it. Perhaps the ability to NOT make a decision actually IS the decision?

fortunatepiggy1 · 30/04/2018 22:00

Hi lndnmummy wow that's gone quickly .. congrats! I am banking on you saying in a few months time that it's the best thing ever and you can't believe you dithered for so long!

I still make up and unchange my mind on an almost daily basis! Dh is beyond exasperated with me! I am pretty sure that we will try for another even thought it is probably too late as we are too old but if we don't I am not sure I can ever make peace with it...

I think you are right that not making a decision is in fact making a decision as the clock is always ticking but pretending to not make a decision is easier than saying definitely no isn't it?!

Original poster

Mrstumbletap · 21/05/2018 20:48

An update for anyone that is still on this thread, we have decided to just stick with one now. I think we will be a family of three forever.

🔼 a triangle family.

OP posts:

fortunatepiggy1 · 21/05/2018 22:14

Glad you've decided mrstumbletap. I do think making any decision is better than constantly going back and forth which drives you mad. I think we have had the decision made for us as I think I have hit the menopause which makes me a bit sad but I've got to accept that I didn't feel ready any earlier and live with my decision

justanotheruser18 · 22/05/2018 07:32

@Mrstumbletap Yay what a wonderful decision. The happiest triangle. 😍🔼

Original poster

Mrstumbletap · 23/05/2018 18:35

Thank you.

It took us almost trying for a second that made us step back and say why are we doing this? And it’s society, it friends, family and colleagues that make us feel there is something missing, that we are selfish, that we are ruining our son. But we aren’t. We are happy, he is so happy.

If everyone typically had one child and we felt completely normal having one I would never doubt it. But the norm is 2.4 isn’t it?

We are a triangle and I love it, it suits all three of us.

OP posts:

freezerfoodyum · 23/05/2018 18:44

Also trying to decide so no advice but sympathy.

I really don't think it's true that you never regret a baby. It's very taboo to talk about it though.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7