Im driving myself crazy trying to decide

[Mrstumbletap]

I can't decide whether to stay with one, or try for another I'm 34 I can't spend forever deciding. I'm thinking about it more and more frequently and it's driving me crazy as I need to make a decision!

Pros of one child
Life is easy with one
Get my own time (DH does too)
Have time for my career
More comfortable with money
Give all my time to DS
Not close to my sibling, so don't feel sibling guilt

Cons
Child misses out on close relationship/socialising
Caring for elderly parent/s alone - burden
Quiet Christmas
The saying "you regret what you didn't do, not what you did do" keeps looping around and around in my head.
Tiredness of a newborn

How, how, how can you make the decision of sticking with one or doing it all again?! It seems impossible

We tried recently mrstumbletap as you know I've been dithering and driving myself mad over this for years and finally thought as I couldn't stop thinking about it that we should just go for it. I was late immediately and thought how could this be when I'm probably too old now anyway. I spent a good few days thinking I am definitely pregnant and adjusting and thinking about how my life would change. I felt quite happy about the idea. DH seemed to be quite happy about the idea too. Anyway did a PT and it was negative .. and my immediate reaction was not disappointment but relief .. Very confusing! So now I have got cold feet again and disappointed in myself! I think you are right there is so much expectation to want another child that if you don't you feel like some kind of freak! I am very happy with our lot but there will always be this niggle.. I think I just have to recognise that and live with it... I have tried counselling but not much help. I think I am now hitting the peri menopause ( hence random periods and that will probably help me draw a line under it and realise it is too late .. but I think it's ok to feel sad about it... it's the realisation that what you thought you wanted isn't what you want or what society expects you to want isn't what you want. X

Freezerfood you are right ...
*
Lndnmummy how you getting on? Not long* now!!

Hi,
No not long now 34 weeks. It is frightening and I spend most of my time being emotional that ds will need to share me. Time will tell if this is the right call for us.

I'm sure your ds will be fine! Have you found out new baby's sex?

Yes another boy!! That’s one thing I’m really excited about

Great news lndnmummy!

Great news Lndnmummy, if I were to have another I would want another boy. Glad you were able to make a decision.

Fortunatepiggy1 I hope you can find some comfort in your decision. I am sure more now than ever that 1 child is the right one for us.
I have also found groups on Facebook that have helped helped a lot, you can find them called:
One and done - by choice
My first, my last, my everything and another one I can't remember.

And at a recent wedding I was speaking to another mum that is one and done and it was so nice to have that in common.

I will be a good mum to one or a very average (at best) or very stressed mum (at worst) to two. My son deserves a happy mum.

'I will be a good mum to one or a very average (at best) or very stressed mum (at worst) to two. My son deserves a happy mum'

Exactly this.

I like this thread. I was surprised you stoped at 1 mrsT - it sounded like you were going to go for it! We are stopping at 1. I do feel sad about the siblings thing (I was an only child till age 11, it was a bit lonely) but as others have said really feel the cost is too high and I don't just mean financial.

Mrstumbletap thanks for the Facebook group recommendations

Sorry to get this thread going again. But after over a year of thinking yes we are one and done. I think we might go for number 2, I don't even know why. Well I do, but I don't.

That record of 'maybe having another' just keeps bloody playing in my head and I can't stop it.

There will be a gap of 7 years if we got pregnant this year, I'm nearly 37, but I have been thinking about again the last couple of months.

Is anyone else dithering and getting older every year?

@Fortunatepiggy do you still come on this topic? @Lndnmummy you were pregnant last time we chatted, you may not come on this topic now, if you do how is it with 2??

Was anyone else undecided? Did you decide?

Just read the thread OP, but I think if you keep coming back to it just have another one and be done. DH can have the snip and you can never think of it again!

Just think - if you’d got pregnant when you’d started the thread you’d have your 2 year old by now!

I have 2, it is hard work but my oldest is 4 and so much easier now. She. The youngest is 34 in anticipating an easy ride watching them play together

DH is an only, and though he remembers his childhood fondly, he says that watching the DC makes him realise how lonely he was. He also has only his ageing parents now, when they are gone he will have no one who remembers his childhood. His mum is an only child and when her parents dies she found the sudden end to want family memories or history very hard.

Just do it, get through the first 2 years then enjoy! (I’m also not a baby person, I can’t tell you the relief that it’s all nearly done!)

*when the youngest is 4

You are right @AlexanderHalexander I wish I had just done it two years ago, I would have my 2 year and be through the thick of it. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I don't think there is a right answer. If you'd like another child but not another baby, the first couple of years will be tough. But in 10 years you will have a 10 year old, etc. Only you can decide if you are willing to go through it again. For me, I knew I would always regret not having another even though there are advantages to one. That thought got me through the dark moments.

DH is done at 2, but in occasional moments of madness (I need a lot of sleep, I HATE the sleepless nights) I try and convince him to have another by saying: In 10 years, who would you like sat around the dinner table for Christmas dinner? So, OP, in 10 years time, who would you like sat around the dinner table? If it's just you, DH and DS, then you have your answer. IF it's you, DH, DS and a 10 year old son/daughter, then give it a go.

The early years are shit, but they are so short in the space of a lifetime.

Just checking in, hi everyone. I’m finally starting to breathe again my little one turned 2 in July. I hate the baby years. My hormones are awful, PND, reflux. Never again. Dh and I high fived that we managed to get through the first two years.

@Lndnmummy so lovely to hear from you again! Well done for getting through the first few years, we found them really really hard. From 4 onwards it's so easy and enjoyable but the first few ouch!

How do you feel now you have two? Do you think sticking with one would have been fine? Easier? But glad you did have two? Would really love to know your honest thoughts on it all, as someone that couldn't decide then did have another.

@Mrstumbletap I'm in exactly the same situation as you! I'm really undecided about having another child & it's driving me nuts too 😕

@Mrstumbletap I wrote a long reply but somehow it never posted. So annoying! So a candid answer (in keeping with my previous posts😬). It is great, now. It took us nearly two years to get here with intense and somewhat brutal treatment. My PND was horrendous. But I came out on the other side. I feel conflicted saying “it was definitely the right thing to do” because I don’t want to hurt the feelings of someone who made a different choice. The boys adore eachother and I truly wouldn’t change it for the world. The little one is our light. When all the angst of the first few months lifted their bond began to develop and it has gone from strength to strength. There is a certainty about their bond which is really moving to witness. I’m however convinced that our life would have been just as content as a family of three. Different yes but by no means worse. I do look back not with regret as such but with nostalgia on the days when our lives were calmer, cheaper and when there was more room for me as an individual. I know these days will come back again, but for the time being they are parked and I do miss it. So this brings me to my last point. Above all, and the biggest thing for me is that I found peace and closure. I have spent the best part of 15 years worrying about fertility, ttc, being on the same page as my dh on when and how to have kids etc etc. It occupied me 24/7 for 15 years. I became obsessive. I lived for nothing else but the endless thoughts going round and round in my head. It was exhausting and soul destroying. I feel an inner calm now that I haven’t felt since I was 25. There are no more ifs and buts. I am done. This has had en enormous positive effect on my emotional wellbeing and my marriage. Not having to think about it anymore has given me a relief I just can’t describe. So that would be my advice. Regardless of if you go for it or not. Find closure, make peace. Get help if needed in order to mentally move on. I wish I had not spent all this time in angst and emotional turmoil. Xxx

Happy new year all! @Mrstumbletap have been reading this post with interest as in the same boat... Would love to know what you decided if you don't mind?

I'm 24 and an only child. Growing up it didn't really bother, I enjoyed my own company and was always around a lot of people. However, growing up is when it started to get to me. Knowing ill never have my own neices and nephews (I know I still may not have had, even if I had siblings) and then having no help or support when my parents get older and start depending more on me (I know this may come across selfish but I really don't mean it be). Also now, id appreciate having a sibling a lot more, just for general companionship. My mam always says now that it's her biggest regret not having anymore after me.

I've also just had my DS beginning of November, and even though I thought I didnt really want children before falling pregnant with him, I will definitely be trying for another round about next year. (He totally changed my thoughts about wanting children, hes my absolute world)

But its totally up to you and your partner whether you have another DC, don't let people guilt you about not wanting another, its your decision, your circumstances and more importantly, nothing to do with anyone else! X

I'm in the same boat. I keep coming back to it again and again. My DD is now 2.5 years and I think I would like to try for another but I'm 40 now and it might be too late...

I have been reading this thread. I found interesting. It has given me comfort that I was not the only one who was indecisive. I always wanted 2, but I was in no rush to have the second one. Im 42 so I don’t think I will be having another one. I didn’t get much help from my husband with my daughter when she was little. I felt like I was single parent at times. He has very busy job and I also work full time. He does help with housework and very organised which helps a lot. We got married late and had my daughter just before I turned 37. I started my career at 35 so I was really enjoying my career when I had my daughter. I wanted to progress and do well. I was focusing on my career and trying to raise my daughter. These were the only things that mattered to me at the time. My friends kept having babies and I never envied them. I thought when I’m ready I will try again. My main concern was my career as I didn’t want it to be affected ( but I realised now whatever age/stage you are once you have kids it affects your career anyways) Once she was 2 and half we decided to try for second and I fell pregnant instantly, but sadly I miscarried around 10 week. My husband didn’t feel ready to try again and then he said he didn’t want to go through the trauma of miscarriage again. I gave up trying to persuade him and in the end I thought I was happy with one. Instead I focussed on my job again and found a really flexible job with much better salary. As soon as I started my new job, I felt something was missing again and wanted to try for second but it never happened. After trying two years I feel sad I am not able to give my daughter sibling. She is really happy little girl but I just feel sad watching her play on her own. She is 5 and half now. I’m 42. I know our life is much easier with one but I just can’t help with the negative feelings and blaming myself about not trying sooner. Has anyone also felt happy about having one and then realised that they actually wanted 2. For me the main reason was my career but I wish I didn’t prioritise my career over child as I regret my decision. The lockdown doesn’t help either as everyone around me seems to having their third or fourth. My husband is really happy with our triangle family but I’m not. Hope someone here can help me to feel and think differently. I joined one one done groups which helps me with my feelings too. Thank you ladies x

Has anyone also felt happy about having one and then realised that they actually wanted 2

@Roserposer
Yes! I did! But having kind of tried for another and it never happened, we now are trying to accept having one. It has its advantages though. At my age another would send me over the edge! When I'm really hormonal its hell cos I can't stop obsessing over it. Other times I feel glad we only have one.
I've also joined one and done but there are two groups, one for those who are embracing it and have no regrets and the other for those for whom it was not by choice. I can't remember which one I joined though!
Good luck

@BooseysMom I was just reading the other thread you were talking to CC81. Nice to hear you are in a great place now. I thought I was fertile despite my age as I fell pregnant twice instantly but sadly I miscarried the second. It is weird I didn’t feel so sad at the time I don’t know why. It hit me harder when I experienced the infertility in the last two years. I am well over 42 and everyone around me has 2-3 kids. I feel less mum I don’t know why? I do have days where I try to focus on our beautiful life as triangle family and feel happy but as soon as I go out and seeing everyone having multiple kids make me feel odd one out and gives me weird feelings. I know I should not compare myself to others as every family different and have different dynamics. I am also trying to remind myself life is too short to worry about things and enjoy what we have as the years will go pass and I might regret not fully enjoying my years with my daughter. At the end of the day once the kids leave all you have is you and your partner. It will be eventually us two again. They will have their own families and lives. I should enjoy the life as it is I don’t think I can change things but I can learn to live with what I have and try to enjoy it rather than always thinking about what I don’t have and feeling regretful. Thank you for the reply. Yes I joined the similar groups too. Also one thing about me I was the eldest one of the 8 kids. I’m not sure if it was too many of us or my upbringing I didn’t enjoy having a big family and can’t say I’m really close to my siblings. We all get along fine but we are not best friends. I always envied smaller close-nit families. Life weird is not it?