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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

Original poster

Im driving myself crazy trying to decide

175 replies

Mrstumbletap · 17/08/2017 21:43

I can't decide whether to stay with one, or try for another I'm 34 I can't spend forever deciding. I'm thinking about it more and more frequently and it's driving me crazy as I need to make a decision!

Pros of one child
Life is easy with one
Get my own time (DH does too)
Have time for my career
More comfortable with money
Give all my time to DS
Not close to my sibling, so don't feel sibling guilt

Cons
Child misses out on close relationship/socialising
Caring for elderly parent/s alone - burden
Quiet Christmas
The saying "you regret what you didn't do, not what you did do" keeps looping around and around in my head.
Tiredness of a newborn

How, how, how can you make the decision of sticking with one or doing it all again?! It seems impossible Sad

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fortunatepiggy1 · 06/02/2018 19:48

By not making the decision I meant

BertrandRussell · 06/02/2018 19:51

I think that if possible, children should not be onlies.

gussyfinknottle · 06/02/2018 19:54

I had my first and only at 41. I would have had another but I developed a serious neurological disease - not life limiting, as such, but life altering. I am from a big family as is my dh. You take the hand you are dealt.

Original poster
Mrstumbletap · 07/02/2018 18:20

Fortunatepiggy1 there has been some great advice given to me by mumsnetters, such as:

What if someone told you you could no longer have children. How would you feel?

Being completely selfish, forget what your DH wants, what anyone else thinks. Do you want another child? Do you want to raise another human?

Not sure if that helps but they have meant the most to me in terms of decisions.

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Girlsworld92 · 07/02/2018 18:32

For me it came down to knowing if I didn't try to have a second I would always think 'what if'. We were lucky and we did have another but I wouldn't have explored IVF or adoption if it hadn't happened naturally. I'm sure deep down you must know. Ditch the lists and go with your gut

DollyTots · 07/02/2018 18:47

I don't understand the people who insinuate a person is selfish because they consider their own lifestyles & wellbeing when having children. Isn't that just wise, if not plain common sense? We had one, my DD and decided even before we had her that she would be our only. We'd always dreamed of having a child and also being able to live our own lives in a certain way e.g time to ourselves etc. I've been told that's selfish but this is our lives too. I want to be the best mummy I can be AND the best person I can be. I know I wouldn't with more children. What's wrong with knowing that? So go with your head, what you know to be true. You have one child, you know the reality & that can often be different to how we imagine things in our head.

fortunatepiggy1 · 08/02/2018 19:53

I do think I want another child Mrstumbletap and I would be sad if I was told we couldn't have another.. but I still don't feel ready ..

I think I've just run out of time .. wish we had started earlier then I would have had more time to make a decision

expatmigrant · 08/02/2018 20:17

Never really wanted a second DC as was doing well career wise, happy just the three of us and then got pregnant by accident BUT he was the best accident ever. Love him to bits and DC very close despite the nearly 7 year age gap. Have never regretted having that second baby, but my DH literally skipped to his vasectomy appointment after DS was born.

Original poster
Mrstumbletap · 10/02/2018 17:44

Expatmigrant GrinGrinGrin

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Original poster
Mrstumbletap · 10/02/2018 17:54

But isn’t that a contradiction in itself ? You want another, but don’t feel ready, but feel it’s too late? I think just have another. Wink

I really don’t want to have another baby, I really don’t want to be pregnant, I don’t want the sleepless nights and the boredom and stress.

But I want to have another 3 year old, another 4 year old etc. I want to see my DS being a brother. I want to do it better this time round without constantly doubting how shit I am.

I also just read an article about how the first year after a child is born is one of the most unhappy in a couples marriage. Blimey.

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Original poster
Mrstumbletap · 10/02/2018 17:54

But isn’t that a contradiction in itself ? You want another, but don’t feel ready, but feel it’s too late? I think just have another. Wink

I really don’t want to have another baby, I really don’t want to be pregnant, I don’t want the sleepless nights and the boredom and stress.

But I want to have another 3 year old, another 4 year old etc. I want to see my DS being a brother. I want to do it better this time round without constantly doubting how shit I am.

I also just read an article about how the first year after a child is born is one of the most unhappy in a couples marriage. Blimey.

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Original poster
Mrstumbletap · 10/02/2018 17:55

Sorry it said ‘post unsuccessful’, so I posted again.

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justanotheruser18 · 10/02/2018 19:27

I really don't feel like I want another child. I don't think I should have another child just so that my kid isn't alone, so they have a playmate. If I wanted another child, I should have it for that reason but I'm not sure I want one.

I wonder what the OP decided. I agreed with all your pros and cons.

justanotheruser18 · 10/02/2018 19:39

^^ oh just read the rest of the thread. Glad you reached a decision op.

Original poster
Mrstumbletap · 11/02/2018 10:44

Well I’m still not 100%

I have just been adamant for years we won’t have another, now I’m thinking maybe I just need to suck it up and get over the first bit which I really dislike.

I still have contraception (not the pill) which has to run out. So I will probably chop and change my mind loads, and my DH refuses to discuss it any more as I go back and forth and back and forth and back and forth again. His head is frazzled. So he just said whatever you decide I’m happy with.

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fortunatepiggy1 · 18/02/2018 12:40

I feel more ready now than I've felt in the last 3 years but I think that's because my back is against the wall I'm 41 .. you have plenty of time to make and unmake your mind.. I don't!

Good luck

Original poster
Mrstumbletap · 19/02/2018 21:40

Shall we take the leap together fortunatepiggy1? Smile

Also a thing that bugs me is my DH says why don't we just let fate decide? Because we are not at it like bunnies that's why! If we were having sex every other night it probably would happen. But we both work long hours and we are mid 30s and could miss the 'window' of ovulation so I need to plan and I'm control freak.

Which means the pregnancy vitamins, tracking periods on an app, ovulation sticks etc. There is no 'fate' in that. Fate would just make it not happen.

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littlebillie · 19/02/2018 22:04

I think your reasoning is fine, you have to make a sane reasoned decision which suits your life. You love your dc and really you are making a life long decision for them good luck

littlebillie · 19/02/2018 22:08

I wish we had three now but it wasn't to be.

thestickereconomy · 19/02/2018 22:19

If you can afford it, why not? It depends on what you think you might have to plan for in the long term, e.g. university fees, will you need a bigger house... For us, the advantages of having one (advantages for our DC as well as us) outweigh the advantages of having more, but it all depends on your personal circumstances.

thestickereconomy · 19/02/2018 22:21

"just read an article about how the first year after a child is born is one of the most unhappy in a couples marriage."

LOL, this is so true. But you know what to expect now!

snop · 19/02/2018 22:29

I was in the same situation, was really happy with just one child and got to 34 and was pretty much thinking the same, it's now or never but not really doing anything about it. Then dd aged 9 came home from school upset and said she had been thinking and when me and daddy die she will have nobody And be all alone. I know it's silly but it made me really sad and we started trying, the big gap isn't easy but we are so happy we had another Abd at least they will always have each other .

TittyGolightly · 19/02/2018 22:31

Also, on a practical note, do you work? And if so do you get childcare vouchers? If so, you will continue to get paid these whilst on maternity leave. This was a game changer for us and meant we could have DS (3) in nursery several days per week which was paid for mostly by the childcare vouchers. (A company is not allowed to remove a benefit from you whilst you are on maternity leave).

Sorry, but that isn’t true. The law was clarified a year or so back.

fortunatepiggy1 · 19/02/2018 23:23

Mrstumbletap .. A couple of weeks ago I bought pre natal vitamins got home and promptly hid them in the drawer and got cold feet! Today I bought some ovulation sticks .. and again hid them in the drawer! I am annoying myself with my constant overanalysing and second guessing what I really want so god knows what my poor dh feels like! Buying this stuff is the most constructive step I've taken towards a decision in the last 3 years though!

Original poster
Mrstumbletap · 23/02/2018 20:43

That’s one step ahead of me forunatepiggy1 I googled the conception ones and then when I was in boots with my friend couldn’t bring myself to pick them up and bought headache tablets instead!

But you are getting there, we sound like cautious, careful people. I was very cautious the first time though and got really scared when we were actually trying the first time, did you?

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