Dithering about having a second child ( and I dont have the luxury of time to dither!)

[Fortunatepiggy]

Hi ladies

So I am 39 next week, have a gorgeous ds aged 3, who is a delight but has never been a good sleeper which has caused DH and I lots of stress over the last 3 years. Now things are starting to get a bit better and I have started to think about whether we should have another ( most of my friends had their seconds when first was 2) so I am conscious I have left it a bit late and one of the main reasons people have another child is to provide a companion/playmate for their child and I worry that even if I got pregnant tomorrow ( unlikely given age) that DS1 will be 4 before DC2 is born so will they play together anyway?

I am also starting to get my life back a bit. We have no family locally so its been a struggle with lack of sleep and when he is ill ( I work part time in a fairly demanding job) and I can see that if I went back full time when ds1 starts school next year my career could get back on track quite easily.

I am an only child and never felt lonely so don't feel that as an issue although i recognised it was much harder for my parents and they tried hard to ensure I had lots of friends. DH has an older brother who is not close with so doesnt feel strongly about that issue.

I have chatted with DH who isnt too keen on the idea of another as to be honest we have struggled massively so far with our relationship and the constant tiredness and who is more tired/ whose job is more important/ who has had the hardest day crap.

But he says that if I really want another he will agree.

That conversation didnt really help as now I feel that all the pressure is on me to make the decision and I worry:-

that if we are lucky enough to conceive ( and i recognise this decision may already have been made for me and may be academic) that I will not love another child as much as DS
that given my age there might be health issues with the baby
that DS will resent me / new baby and our relationship will change
that we wont have enough money ( we earn ok on paper but never have enough money at the end of the month)
that DH and I wont be able to cope and will end up divorcing ( something we have seriously got close to in the last 3 years)
So everything is leading to a no but i am also worried that I will get to 40 something and regret not having another and it may be too late. Also when I said to DH that it probably should be a no given all of the above and he agreed I felt desperately sad and since then cant stop thinking about it and looking at mums with toddlers and babies and wondering whether that really is the right decision for us.

Anyone else felt like this? I wish I had the luxury of time to see how i felt in a year but Im worried that will be too late

thanks

Just leaving these here for Lndmummy as was thinking about you just now. Hope things are getting easier.

Yes lndnmummy check in and let us know you are ok ...,

Hey all, dh is off next week so I’m looking forward to that. My plan is to spend as much time with ds one as I can. He is doing better which is nice and I hope that School starting will help that even more as he will have his own life and routine then.
I’m ok-ish. Maybe the sertraline has kicked in or the hormones have subsided somewhat but I’m less teary and anxious. Abit numb going through the motions but I’d rather that then horrible intrusive thoughts. Baby is doing well.

Hi there Lndnmummy, I'm glad things are a little bit better and that you have the chance to spend some time with your eldest. Good also to hear that the baby is doing well. I know it doesn't feel like it to you, but you are doing great. Both children doing well and you're feeling ok and putting things into action such as more time together. I think that's brilliant. Keep going xxx

Thanks fortunate. I’m not painting a pretty picture of taking the leap am I? I have probably put all you other ditherers off.
The fog is slowly lifting and I’m starting to get the hang of the newborn bits. We are more relaxed and I even laughed at something today. My ds1 seems pretty much back to his old bouncy cheerful self and has stopped playing up (for the moment at least). I’m finding myself sometimes thinking “I have got this” which is very different from a few weeks ago.
I think it’s more the sertraline then me but I’ll take it.

Great to hear your update lndnmummy!

Just a quick update from me. How I love this gorgeous little baby boy of mine. My heart aches when I look at him and I can’t imagine ever having been without him. The love came and I’m so grateful. I can’t bring myself to read the early posts yet. It feel so raw but I just wanted to update as everyone has been so lovely and supportive. I still miss our simple family of three but my oldest is in Y2 now and have really started to have his own life outside of the home. He adores his little brother too which is heart warming.

That's wonderful! I'm so happy for you

I hope things continue to get better for you.

What a wonderful post lndn mummy I am so happy to hear you are ok. I had my boy after a 9 year gap and it took me time to enjoy my baby too, it's hard after so many years. Now he's the light of my life as yours will be too I'm sure.

Hello
Hope you’re well lndnmummy and fortunate and all others on the thread.

Sorry I have not been able to comment much in recent times. And congratulations lndnmummy and great that you are doing well

So I got pregnant when I was not expecting to last year, and then was working away most of the time. And we welcomed our little girl last week!

My 8 year old is happy and playing a good role. He loves to carry her. However he’s always wanted a sibling though I didn’t think he understood what that meant. But I’m really thankful that he’s getting into it.
It’s different going back to baby days but the joy of holding baby and looking at her beautiful face has been great.

Fortunate how did you decide in the end?

Hi @Graceissufficient congratulations!

It's me fortunatepiggy but I've name changed as I couldn't access my old username for some reason

So pleased for you!

I have decided that I do want another but it's too late now. I could kick myself when I think of how I dithered for so long but hey ho I had good reasons at the time

I am counting my blessings and enjoying my little family but I will always have that pang of regret I should have just gone for it,! Glad it's worked out well for you and you've been lucky. How's you dc taking to being a sibling after so long being an only?

Hello Fortunate

Yes, all well thank you. I’m sorry to hear that you feel it’s too late for you. Is it because you tried or would rather not try, if I may ask please? And yes, sometimes we do have to count our blessings and be thankful.

Yes, going well, thank you. It has been lovely see my older child with the newborn. I have to say I was concerned about how he would react but it’s been great to see how protective and nurturing he’s been. He loves to sing to her and wouldn’t let her cry without lifting her up! That has been a big blessing. He absolutely adores her.

For me the first two weeks post birth were a little tiring, trying to establish breastfeeding and settling into night time feeding. However I’m really enjoying the baby stage more than I imagined, and I think much more relaxed this time around. At a few weeks old now she’s growing so fast! They really do grow fast and people who say that they are only little for a short time are so right. I really can see why some people just have more!

I’m really thankful that I went with it. In terms of entertaining my older child we just do things together for baby and for him. We have been going to a few baby groups to help us get out and about. It’s been a huge blessing.

How are you Lndnmummy? Hope everything is getting better with time and you are keeping well.

Hi Lndnmummy

How are you doing? Your baby is coming up to one year now! How time really flies. I hope you have all settled into your new family and things are getting better all the time.

My little girl is 4 months old now, and I am so glad it happened as it did.

How are you Fortunate? I hope very well. And all the previous posters? xx

Hi, just saw this post, so sorry for late reply. Little one turned one last week! Things are a million times better, both boys are doing really well. I’m in a much better place and we are all doing really well. It has been hard and fraught at times but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I love them both so dearly. My eldest is enjoying his brother more and more, they can play abit now and the little one adores him.
Looking back though, we would have been just as happy as a family of three. Finally more money, more time etc. It’s damn hard to do the baby thing in my 40s I find. We would have a different life for sure. But not a worse one if that makes sense.
How’s everyone?

Great to hear you are both doing well @Graceissufficient and @Lndnmummy

As for me I am coming to terms with not having another child. I think with hindsight I should have just gone for it but we are really happy. I will always wonder "what if"but I comfort myself with the good reasons we had for not having more.

If it did happen ( extremely unlikely now) we would be happy I think but we are enjoying our little triangle family

Really glad that things have worked out so well for you both

Hope other posters are ok too!

Hi

I hope you are well @Lndnmummy and @Graceissufficient

I just wanted to update since my last post. So we finally decided to try and amazingly I got pregnant but sadly ended in emergency surgery for an ectopic at 8 weeks

It's been a very traumatic time and I'm not sure how I feel now

I have lots of questions. Was is fate? Could I try again ( I don't think I could cope going through that again and there is an increased risk)

For the 8 weeks I was pregnant I was very happy though ( but also worried) dh was initially shocked but was starting to come round to the idea ..

It's all very confusing .. on one hand I'm glad I tried because otherwise I think I would have always wondered what if but I also think if I hadn't I would have saved myself a lot of heartache

Lndnmummy I just wanted to thank you for your heartbreakingly honest posts. I’ve just stumbled across this thread as I’m dealing with a similar dilemma and it’s made me accept there is no right or wrong answer, both can have happy outcomes. I am so pleased for you that your family is bringing you such happiness even if it does seem hard sometimes.

Hello iwasfortunate

Just saw your update. I am really sorry to read that. I hope that you are feeling better each day.

I imagine that there are no easy ways following a loss - trying again or deciding not to. It is probably a very personal journey for most people. I hope and pray that you find your peaceful path.

Before I had my baby and since, I have come across many women successfully ttcing and having children in their early 40's, sometimes mid forties. It may not be the scientific ideal, but a lot of people have success stories. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that one just needs to focus on where one is at any given time because it is not always possible for an individual to foresee the future and plan accordingly. The reasons are widely varied, and there is no point in beating oneself up about uncontrollable variables.

I think I'm rambling a bit! But I hope to hear from you again. [Sorry I am not able to add flowers]

Hey everyone, posting an update from me 2 years on. @Mrstumbletap I wrote a long reply but somehow it never posted. So annoying! So a candid answer (in keeping with my previous posts😬). It is great, now. It took us nearly two years to get here with intense and somewhat brutal treatment. My PND was horrendous. But I came out on the other side. I feel conflicted saying “it was definitely the right thing to do” because I don’t want to hurt the feelings of someone who made a different choice. The boys adore eachother and I truly wouldn’t change it for the world. The little one is our light. When all the angst of the first few months lifted their bond began to develop and it has gone from strength to strength. There is a certainty about their bond which is really moving to witness. I’m however convinced that our life would have been just as content as a family of three. Different yes but by no means worse. I do look back not with regret as such but with nostalgia on the days when our lives were calmer, cheaper and when there was more room for me as an individual. I know these days will come back again, but for the time being they are parked and I do miss it. So this brings me to my last point. Above all, and the biggest thing for me is that I found peace and closure. I have spent the best part of 15 years worrying about fertility, ttc, being on the same page as my dh on when and how to have kids etc etc. It occupied me 24/7 for 15 years. I became obsessive. I lived for nothing else but the endless thoughts going round and round in my head. It was exhausting and soul destroying. I feel an inner calm now that I haven’t felt since I was 25. There are no more ifs and buts. I am done. This has had en enormous positive effect on my emotional wellbeing and my marriage. Not having to think about it anymore has given me a relief I just can’t describe. So that would be my advice. Regardless of if you go for it or not. Find closure, make peace. Get help if needed in order to mentally move on. I wish I had not spent all this time in angst and emotional turmoil. Xxx